This question isn’t 100% related to college financing, but I can’t exactly talk about these issues with anyone I know personally and would love to get some feedback/hear what others think about the issue. Right off the bat, I should say that I know what I’m going to say will probably sound entitled/spoiled. I know that my parents have no obligation to support me financially as I am no longer a child, know that they took care of me and tried to ensure that I had everything I needed going into adulthood, and know that I am very lucky to not be struggling financially. That being said, I’m curious if others have been in a similar situation/have some advice for dealing with parents who are very well off but also incredibly frugal.
My parents make upwards of 300k a year and also have SIGNIFICANT assets. That said, you’d never guess it if you met them. They drive cars 15+ year old cars, buy used clothes, and rarely travel or go out to eat. They neglect their own medical problems because they don’t want to spend more money on healthcare, which I think is utterly illogical. It’s not that my parents don’t spend much on me or my siblings, it’s that they also don’t spend much on themselves either. They complain about and discuss money incessantly. I appreciate my parents’ frugality, but I also think they’re taking things to an extreme.
Thankfully, my college is being funded by a relative who passed away. I have just enough to get through the next four years of school and pay for health insurance. After that, I’ll be on my own with essentially $0 in the bank. Although my parents are not paying for my education, they claim that they are by nature of the relationship (I wouldn’t know the relative if it weren’t for them). I was very lucky and can’t complain about not being able to afford college. That said, I’m encountering challenges when trying to pay for things like housing and necessities. They do give me $1600 a year, which pays for the bare minimum of things I need on campus. My parents are nontransparent when it comes to support, which makes things very difficult to plan. One day they encourage me to take an unpaid internship (don’t waste time working a retail job, do something productive!) and offer a bit of money for food, then the next day they’re rescinding offers of financial support and railing about how much of a financial burden I have been. If I knew that I didn’t have their support at all, things might be easier, because I could plan. However, this back and forth and lack of clarity is really frustrating. I’m not eligible for work study at school, don’t go to school in an area with easy to access local employment (no car), and am simultaneously encouraged to do things that will require extra funds and then unable to do them.
Bottom line: Do I have any right to feel frustrated? Has anyone else with wealthy parents dealt with this? Am I utterly spoiled for expecting more support? I know that I’m lucky, it’s just very odd to be around lots of friends in college whose less well-off parents provide more significant support. I feel a bit bitter at times, and I hate not being able to do things like eat off campus with my peers. I’m shocked to learn that other parents pay for things like airfare and clothing – to my parents, this would be inappropriate for an adult child. I wish my parents would enjoy their money, too. I don’t understand this mindset – why have money if you won’t use it to make life a bit less grim?
I understand that you don’t qualify for work study… but are there other on-campus part time jobs that might allow you to have a steady stream of a little extra spending money ?
Thanks for the reply! All on-campus jobs at my school are guaranteed to those who are on financial aid. Remaining jobs are then offered to full-pay students. Also, because of certain conditions that come with my merit scholarship, I’m restricted to 3 hours a week - I can make about $140 a month.
You can feel frustrated, but that’s not going to help your situation. Assume you won’t have their help and work with that assumption.
Get a job. Save that money. Or heck, use it to eat out with your friends. Splurging now and again is OK.
I know what it’s like to be frustrated. The difference between us is that my parents couldn’t support me and yours won’t support you. Either way, the outcome is the same: we have to rely on ourselves.
I’m definitely going to get a job once I’m back on campus, even if it means busing to the neighboring town. I think I need to just accept that my parents view their responsibility differently and think that it’s up to the kid to take on expenses after they’ve left the house.
My other question is as follows: Is there any way for me to qualify as an independent? The money from the relative is in a private account and my parents aren’t paying the school at all. They are giving me the $1600 as mentioned.
The reason your parents have significant assets is because they are so fiscally frugal. That’s their choice. You finishing with $0 in the bank, but also $0 debt is a gift most college kids don’t get.
WHen they advise you to take an unpaid internship, you just have to explain to them that you must work to pay for your expenses. Show them a budget with your rent, food, incidentals, and yes, even a pizza on it. You need to find a job even if it babysitting or dog sitting. Most schools have some jobs that aren’t work study, even if they are at small businesses just off campus (walk or bike distance).
I’m not sure I see the issue here. Your college is FULLY funded it sounds like. So…get yourself a job, and save some of your own money.
Many…MANY college students graduate with no money in the bank AND college loans to pay off as well.
You need to start counting your blessings instead of wishing for more.
And NO you can’t qualify as an independent student for college financial,aid purposes now. You are an undergrad, not over 24, not married, not a veteran of the armed forces, not in foster or state care, not the parent of a minor child.
And anyway…if your college is fully paid for, what would you gain by being independent for financial,aid purposes. You don’t NEED financial aid.
ETA: we fully funded tuition, fees,room, board, health insurance for our kids. The KIDS worked to pay for books and discretionary spending…which sounds just like what you need to do. Our kids, however, took the Direct Loan. They graduated with no money in the bank, but both had jobs after graduation.
Oh…and if your parents and you complete a FAFSA, you can get the Direct Loan yourself. You could just do it for your senior year, and you will get $7500 to put on your bank account.
@thumper1 , thank you for your input. As I tried to explain, this is more about FEELING frustrated that my parents don’t see it as their role to provide any support to their children once they hit 18 (because that’s how their parents did it and they feel continued resentment). I don’t want/need more from my parents, I just sometimes find it frustrating socially because people are aware of my parents’ financial situation, and thus expect me to be able to do things that cost money on a regular basis. I do count my blessings and I know that I’m incredibly lucky. If it weren’t for the relative, I’d be taking on co-signed loans or be studying at a different school.
I ended up working an internship with the expectation of help from my parents, but now have to cut into my college fund to pay rent/food because the help was rescinded (I’ve been using my personally earned money, too). I would have much preferred to work a job than be in that situation – but was told by them that it was foolish to pass this opportunity by. I have always wanted to work and be financially independent, but actively discouraged from it. My parents often refuse to help because of how much college costs – not recognizing that they’re not paying the bill. My college is only fully funded because I received nearly full tuition in scholarships. If not, I would be taking out loans co-signed by my parents (which I would ultimately be responsible for). My parents made it very clear that they would not help if the cost was more than my funds, so I chose my school accordingly. I may have been unclear, but I do have a campus job (just restricted hours) and saved money from working odd jobs before college. I do pay for my books, the remaining airfare (the $1600 usually covers most), off campus things, and use most of my personally earned money on prescriptions, doctors visits, and physical therapy. Things like medical expenses aren’t necessarily discretionary spending in my book, and they eat into a lot of my earnings.
I think you have every right to be frustrated. I don’t hear you complaining that you’ve got your tuition paid for, I hear that your parents are changing the rules on you and interfering with your financial planning when you’re trying to be fiscally responsible for yourself.
While I think a lot of students provide their own pizza, entertainment, and clothing money, I think almost any parent who can comfortably afford it helps to cover medical expenses. It’s not your imagination.
That being said, I think you know your options.
Get a job even if it’s off campus (and don’t mention it to your parents or they may think you don’t need the money they’re giving you)
Sit down with your parents and appeal to their frugality AND their vanity. Tell them you want to be like them (or something like that) and that it’s impossible when you can’t plan. Have numbers in front of you – all of your costs and all of the income they know about.
If you think they’ll commit to giving you some extra funds and then won’t see through, think of a nice way to say you need some of it up front or in installments “for budgeting purposes.” This is a really good way to mitigate risk. Even if they eventually develop selective amnesia and decide not to continue paying, they’ve given you some cash, and you’ve lost less if they flake.
In this situation the only thing that you can do is to plan without taking any contributions from your parents into account, knowing that they could be pulled at a moment’s notice. So no more unpaid internships. See anything that they offer to you as a one-time gift and try to find a way to feel grateful for it.
There is nothing wrong with being frugal and living within one’s means. Perhaps they hope to impart this behavior to you through their example and only want you to become self-reliant as an adult. From what you describe, however, they seem unable to enjoy spending their hard-earned savings and second guess all of their spending decisions. I can see how this would be frustrating but maybe there’s some comfort in the fact that soon you will be independent and can chart your own course. In time, maybe you will come to feel some compassion for them.
I don’t understand your vent at all. First you say a dead relative is paying for your college, then you say that your college is funded through scholarships. Your parents are giving you some spending money, but you want more. You do have a job, but apparently don’t make as much as you would like for whooping it up with your friends. Call me confused. You seem to have a pretty good set up going.
My husband and I make a good living, I am sure our kids think we could dump more money on them. I am what I would consider cheap, even though I could spend more than I do, I don’t want to. I grew up with divorced parents and no money for basic necessities. I am sure that is why I am such a cheapskate with the money I have now. Your parents probably have a good reason why they are tight with their money. It looks like you are doing fine, I would just be grateful for the money you have been given or find a way to make a few dollars more.
Sometimes this kind of frugality comes from bad experiences in the early years. I had relatives like this who lived through the Great Depression. And another who lived through WW2 in Europe. Do you know if your parents had some kind of traumatic experience as children?
I’m somewhat similar myself when it comes to living frugally and I attribute it to our family being in a desperate financial situation when my father left our family with no support.
Now I have a low income so I don’t have much choice, but even when I didn’t I scrimped and saved by going without things other people think are normal. And I am very grateful for that ability. Because of it, I have a house and savings when I see some people I know who have higher incomes and had windfalls besides but made different decisions and are still paying off mortgages and struggling to pay credit card minimums.
I try help my kids have worthwhile opportunities, like paying for camps and giving them some spending money for trips they pay for themselves, even my D who just graduated from college. But I generally did not give her spending money while she was in college, and I generally don’t fund makeup and trips to Dunkin Donuts for my younger kids.
Meanwhile, my mother who is a wonderful, generous person, who never worried about finances, has no savings for retirement. I am very concerned for her since she is past retirement age but working more than ever, to the point of impacting her health. When the time comes, I’ll be the one to take her in because all the other family she’s helped over the years won’t. That’s one reason to appreciate your parents ways of doing things.
Since you were looking for help with dealing with your frustration, I hope these little stories help. I grew up seeing everyone around me having nice stuff and taking trips to Disney, and it was hard sometimes.
Yes, you have a right to feel frustrated from the mixed messages you receive from your parents. But now you know to not trust their message of help so get a job (or additional one) as you’ve planned.
Agree - ok to feel frustrated but its time to grow up and get a more independent mindset. Don’t expect another dime from your parents and be happy that you’ll have no debt. Get a job in a restaurant where you can make great month. Get a job - make money- support yourself and be thankful for what you have. Your parents are obviously using money to try to influence your decisions and you won’t have to worry about that once you are paying your own way. You will feel absolutely fantastic when you can be independent and pay our own way. I really hope you are working a summer job making money - even if its just on weekends (is your internship going on now - is it unpaid?)
Not sure how/why your friends know your parents situation (they don’t act they like they are loaded, according to you) but if they ask - say that your parents are super cheap and give you no money. That is the truth.
Just a thought for your future self - Some day if you have kids going to college, remember how you felt when your parents wouldn’t help you financially, and consider being more supportive.
It looks like part of your frustration right now comes from the unpaid internshipand lost summer income potential. Am I right about that? If so, take a good long look at what you have gained in this internship. Those experiences may well be worth the cash you found that you had to lay out.
As mentioned above, if you and your parents file the FAFSA, you can get the unsubsidized loan maximum. Stick it in the bank for future emergencies and to have a starting-up-life-after-college cushion.
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I don’t think you quite understand me. I don’t deny that I have a good set up or that I’m lucky. The money from the relative is not nearly enough to pay for full tuition at most colleges. In order to not take loans, I chose the school with the best merit aid offer. Having college funded by a relative and receiving scholarships are not mutually exclusive. They (my parents) give me some spending money, most of which is spent on airfare to school and on medical expenses. I don’t “whoop it up” with my friends because of this, instead saving the money from my job to cover medical bills and clothing if needed. I can count on one hand the number of times I went out to eat with friends last semester. I am just frustrated that my parents both encourage me to do things beyond my means, saying they’ll help, and then punish me when I follow through. I guess I’m just spoiled?
My husband is a lot like your parents. He sends mixed signals about paying for college even though it wouldn’t be much of a problem for us to pay it all. I think it stems from him not having gone to college and so not valuing it as much. It drives me crazy too.
Someone else suggested that you act as if you won’t be getting their financial support. That way, when you don’t, you’re prepared, and if you do, you’ve been blessed.
You’re already doing the internship, yes? If you are, and if there are part-time jobs that you can fit in around the internship, get one. I did this. It’s not easy, but if it’s necessary, it’s necessary. The internship is important to do, because it will help you get a job related to your field when you graduate, so you do want to do it, but if you need a second job while you do it, then there you go.
I agree that you should try to get some job once you return to school. Do take the bus to the local town. Walk from place to place and ask about work. Try to get something for about 10-15 hours/week. That’s no so much that it should distrupt your studies overly, but is enough to give you a bit of financial help. If that doesn’t work out, then you can set up your own thing on campus - babysitting professors’ and grad students’ kids, tutoring in your best subject, etc.
Good luck to you but a word of warning–some have suggested getting a loan to “have money in the bank”. Do NOT do this. Keep debt free as much as possible.
Get the extra work hours for extra money, cut corners, save birthday money–whatever. Do not use loans as a “cushion” --they are not.