You are making a lot of assumptions about what I know or don’t know. I am related to these people after all. I do know a bit about their lives. You don’t, but I do. I know that they are both employed in very secure well-paying jobs. All I suggested was maybe I would talk to someone (perhaps their mom) and see if there was anything else they also wanted. Their wedding website also seemed half-done, like an afterthought or they got busy and just didn’t want to mess with it any more. So I thought there might be something else that they would like to have but they just didn’t want to fool around with the website anymore.
@Sweetgum you feel pretty strongly about this and I have to respect that. I feel pretty strongly about my opinion based on the information you did share. I’m not going to claim I know what the financial situation is of my family members with good secure jobs unless I’m also monitoring their bills, bank account, retirement fund etc. That’s me.
And I will also say that my post while @'d at you could apply to others on this thread as well - and other wedding threads who have expressed the decision to buy or gift off the registry which is designed to meet the couple’s wants or needs.
Reading all these great ideas, but want to ask a side question.
Preface: Weddings have become so expensive, and in our area, many are “over the top” compared with traditions a generation ago. (And our traditions were probably “over the top” from our parents’). Some examples: I treasure the two photos from my parents’ wedding. I never look at ours, except for one or two framed on a shelf. Now there are videos, pre-wedding photo sessions, etc. Regarding gifts, many longer-term couples today have most everything they need for a household, unlike those starting out very young, directly out of high school. I typically try to choose something from a registry, that the couple might treasure for a longer period (wine glasses, fancy frames, etc.), but for recent weddings it appears so many gifts on a registry are luxury items that might be used only occasionally. I’m assuming that is because they already have most of what they need.
Question: I’ve often thought instead of gift-giving, a great wedding would simply ask guests to bring themselves, and a food or drink item to share, to celebrate, and to enjoy each other’s company? Would that just be seen as too “frugal”? What would you think if invited to such an occasion?
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If we are to believe the many posts here, the parents of the bride and groom split costs on a very extravagant or at least very nice wedding.
For their children in their late 20’s, early 30’s who have professional secure good paying jobs. With houses already set up because they’ve been in their own for a good while.
They don’t need things and probably don’t need help paying for either the wedding or the honeymoon.
But we get invited to the wedding and contemplate either a gift or how much cash we should contribute.
My feeling is do what is comfortable for you. My point earlier was just that I, me personally am wistful for those days where I needed things and getting married seemed much less complicated.
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I’ve been to all sorts of weddings. The one I posted about above is on the family farm. I think it will be a little bit fancy, but not super fancy. I missed one earlier this year due to COVID that was a a pretty fancy destination wedding with everyone flying into a location and staying on-site. I’ve been to hippie-ish weddings at farms where everybody was super casual (jeans, sundresses) and IIRC there were some folks bringing dishes ala potluck. I wouldn’t think twice about the kind of wedding you are suggesting. It’s actually more my speed. I don’t like the super fancy ones.
My daughter is invited to a lot of weddings. She and her boyfriend have good jobs and I know they give nice presents, either off the registry or cash (the idea of a check is beyond them, I’m sure they have a way to transfer cash). That is, of course, on top of the hotel and flight costs, any clothing needed, time off work…Weddings cost them a lot of money and are much different than what I was able to give back when my friends were getting married and I was still in school.
My other daughter was recently in a wedding. It cost a lot for her to be in the wedding and the couple didn’t expect a gift. D had met this friend when they were in the Disney College program, so the gift was a Lenox Mickey and Minnie bride and groom ornament (retail $70, her bargain shopping mom found it for $13 at BBB with a coupon!) and the bride loved it. I hope the bride will remember my D when she uses the ornament. It wasn’t on the registry.
When my parents got married, it was common for men to just shove money in the groom’s pockets. Presents given to the couple (one guy gave them an ironing board, which we still have 65+ years later), but the money was just extra. My parents needed it to pay for their honeymoon but knew they’d get a couple hundred $$ at the reception. My friend’s ‘Great Big Italian NY/NJ Wedding’ was the same. Like something out of the Godfather, she had a silk bag that was stuffed full of cards and money beside her chair all night, but there were still plenty of gifts on the gift table.
I don’t like to give cash. I attended a party and was kind of appalled that the family was judging the amounts given in checks so would rather give a gift.
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Now, see? I know a couple who is considering doing a potluck for sides and such at their very casual wedding. I’ll do it if that is what is expected, but I won’t like it. I think it’s a hassle to schlep food around, and I hate dealing with the dishes, utensils, etc.
Scale back - do the old-timey thing with just cake, mints, nuts, and punch. Don’t ask me to bring my own food to your wedding reception.
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I agree with you–I enjoy selecting gifts. It seems that for most of the weddings I’ve attended recently, the couple has a honeymoon fund or something like that. I went to two weddings in 2018 (both destination weddings–one in Maine and one in Hawaii). One couple was registered at Crate and Barrel and I bought a gift from there. The other couple wasn’t registered–so I just gave them a check.
When I was in school my roommate went to a potluck wedding reception. Mostly college kids invited but I think the couple could have afforded more and just wanted the potluck in the park. Roommate was specifically asked to bring her chocolate chip cookies.
I’ve been to a few recently where they were ‘Catered by Costco.’ Lots of trays of sandwiches, cakes, munchies. One definitely had no alcohol (Mormon) but I can’t remember if the other had drinks or not. I think it did.
So for those who are in the prefer selecting gifts category - what if you don’t like anything the couple is registered for? I mean, if you don’t like/approve of asking for cash, but you don’t like/approve of their china or silver patterns, what’s the difference between those two situations?
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My husband and I had a fairly typical northeast reception paid for by my parents 26 years ago, we were 28 and one of the first couples in our group to get married. I had my own apartment (tiny) when we started dating right out of college, he had 2 roommates. No college debt, but after we got married we really needed to move out of my apartment (he moved in 6 months before the wedding), so we ended up as caretakers in a historic house to save money for a down payment. Thank goodness for cash wedding gifts! Today so many have debt, starter homes are $400,000, not every couple who has moved out of their parents homes has nice things (most of my stuff was dead aunt).
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Any brides from the South have their wedding gifts displayed in their home? I think this practice has died out, but my childhood friend’s older sister (probably got married in 1972 or 1973) definitely did this.
It was a big deal as to where on the table(s) your gift was displayed. Or if it were displayed if here wasn’t enough room to display all of them. And names of givers were adjacent, so you could see who gave what.
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No “wow” emoticon, but “wow” this sounds awful to me!! Who would be coming at what event to view this display??
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People just dropped by to drop off their own gifts or just to see.
I just texted my very Southern friend whose daughter got married in February, and they did this in their home, so I was mistaken. Some people still do this.
Oh my gosh! I remember this now that your post reminded me!!
My mother would often drive us over to a friend of her’s house and we’d see all the pretty wedding gifts lined up in a living room or “Florida” room. I recall being told to look with my eyes and not my hands. Everything was so pretty and neatly arranged.
And, I’m sure many recall going to a local china private boutiques and seeing all the newly engaged couples and the china m, flatware and crystal patterns they had chosen. Fun experiences growing up but now I see it all very differently. 
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I grew up in the South and definitely remember going to see the gifts back in the 70s. My wedding was in the 80s and we didn’t do this. I also remember how the local jewelry store would create displays of the brides’ china, silver and crystal patterns with the brides name on a place card. I enjoyed seeing what was selected.
For the gift displays at the bride’s parents’ home, there would be tiered tables set up and draped with white tablecloths. All the gifts would be arranged on these tables. I don’t recall seeing the names of the givers but maybe that was done too. And on the day of the wedding, off duty police officers were hired to stay at the house because everyone in town knew what was in that house!
My how times have changed. My son got married a few months ago and I don’t even know what they were given and haven’t thought to ask. I only care that they are finishing up the last of the thank you notes.
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The movie “A Wedding” had a big display of the gifts. I think it was set in Tennessee, about 1974?
In the midwest I went to a couple of brunch after the wedding where the gifts were opened and sort of displayed. Mostly just the wedding party and relatives, at the bride’s mother’ house.
This was done in the Midwest where I grew up in the 1970’s.
I’m likely to offend a few folks here but I think the “bridal shower” tradition should go away. Very few brides these days have not lived on their own (even in a college apartment) or with their fiance. They already have stuff especially if they have been working for awhile.
I think a better idea would be to have a shower for anyone (of any gender) when they leave home and move into their first place.
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