Oh of course, I was just commenting that wedding favors are very traditional and have been done forever, like the birthday party favors that just get tossed.
My D has attended 3 weddings where she’s had to fly to Honolulu (from LA) this year so far. She’s attending a 4th wedding in LA and then a 5th in Honolulu in November. Fortunately she has only had to pay airfare because we have space and cars but she’s it sure would add up as even airfare is expensive these days.
All the weddings had about a week of activities including a catamaran ride, sleepover, brunch and more and she wasn’t in any of the wedding parties. Since she has limited stamina she’s had to pick and choose how many of the activities she could participate in and still be healthy enough for the wedding and reception. The November wedding where the groom is my nephew is the only one she and we aren’t invited to any activities surrounding the wedding (not even aware if there are any activities).
@HImom Is a week of activities the typical thing in Hawaii? Not sure I could handle all that either. I was exhausted from just the weekend events for son’s recent wedding. 
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The activities were for the friends of the bride, I believe. D was very careful due to Covid and knowing her limited stamina. Fortunately, as far as we know, only one person at one wedding was positive for Covid and D had no contact with that person or folks around her. It was pretty remarkable since many guests flew in for the weddings and it was expected that there may be more transmission.
One wedding was partly indoors, partly outdoors. We ended up setting outdoors under the stars for most of the reception in very comfy chairs. That was the only wedding and reception we have been to so far, plus we plan to attend my nephew’s in November. We have rented a vrbo for 3 nights.
I think part of the reason behind so may destination events is also because close friends and family are so much more dispersed than in past generations, where most stayed in the same town. For special events, you’d really like those close friends and family to celebrate with you. If you’ve attended college and graduate programs, friends are even more scattered. And all that travelling gets expensive. Zoom weddings are just not the same.
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Not for me - haha! We gave our daughter much less than that and she and her fiancé kicked in another 15-20k of their own money to cover additional things that they wanted (and they paid for the welcome party). They had about 160 people with an open bar, food, band, etc.
Now we did go to her bff’s wedding a few months ago (the one that had the Miami bachelorette & 17 bridesmaids) and her family spent at least a quarter of a million on that wedding - easy.
I just went to a wedding that was a second marriage for a couple who is my age (50s). Tho the wedding was at his family vacation home, it was over the top! I figured since it was second marriage for both (his wife died a few years ago from cancer), it would be low key. Nope! Food, alcohol, catering staff, live band, huge expensive tents, shuttle bus to hotels, one of those trailer restrooms, etc - it obviously cost a fortune. Fortunately for us, we live locally so didn’t cost us anything other than a charity donation in lieu of gift, but the majority of guests came from out of town - both sides of family, majority of their friends. We were one of the few guests who could drive home. It was also a three day event - golf and happy hour Friday, wedding Saturday, brunch on Sunday. We only attended the wedding.
I hadn’t been to a wedding in at least 10-12 years. We have three this year. Two were local, the last one is my niece. It’s in Portland ME in early September. The cheapest hotel room, at a Holiday Inn with the wedding group rate, is still $450/night! We were going to fly but with airfare, now that’s crazy expensive too. Instead I will be driving up with my parents (9 hours). It’s not a fancy wedding and only maybe 50 guests, the majority of whom are traveling from OOT. Only the fiance’s small family is local to Portland.
How much money a family wants to spend on a wedding is up to them. It is not my business or my place to judge. No one is asking me to pay. If I am an invited guest I have the option to attend or not.
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@FallGirl I wasn’t judging the lavish wedding, I just assumed since it was a second wedding, it was going to be more low key since the few people we know who have married more than once have either eloped or just had a small thing with immediate family. We were just surprised as it was not what we anticipated. In fact, we had no idea who else was even invited (he was a college classmate of my husband). Turns out quite of few of his classmates were there for all three days. Had we known, we would have gone to at least one of the other events. We had a blast - no judgment here on what they chose to spend.
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Well, clearly the same is true for any expenditure, whether pricey college, fancy car, expensive handbag-whatever. People spend their own money as they wish. It does change the expected standards when everyone spends for a day like they are Kardashians.
I never cover the plate. I give based on our budget and how close we are to the couple. Also, the problem with giving enough to cover your plate is that weddings can vary in costs. Should the person throwing the cheaper wedding get less? What about the wealthy family where they can throw a huge expensive wedding no problem and don’t need the money or can afford to buy the stuff they registered for if they wanted to?
We went to a wealthy family friend’s daughter’s wedding and they had a fancy welcome dinner. At my nephew’s wedding, the bride and groom and their friends went out for drinks and anyone was welcome to join them, though there was no “host.” One nice thing about the way my nephew and his wife did it was that there is no pressure on the wedding guests to attend and they can drop by and say hi.
I think a lot of the reason weddings are so lavish is ego and wanting to keep up with the Joneses. People don’t HAVE to have a lavish wedding. If they want to and can afford, by all means do it. Not worth going into debt for a wedding!
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Sorry. I was referencing another poster’s comments.
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Everyone does not pay for all or even some of these.
There have always been people who have more or just spend more or spend more on different things. I stay in my own lane.
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My niece and nephew (28 and 26) and my girls (26 and 25) have been in a lot of weddings, and now they are coming fast and furious. They’ve all kind of had it with destination weddings and week long events, bachelor parties in Mexico, renting tuxes and buying dresses. They’ve recently learned the word ‘NO’ when asked to be in a wedding.
Except d’s boyfriend agreed to be in a wedding in the dominican republic next year. The room, on the discount rate, is $600/nt. It is an Indian wedding so there are 3 days of events just for the wedding. They were going to make it their vacation but now don’t think they can afford to stay a week.
My sister (with the kids listed above) told our 16 year old nephews “If someone asks you to be in a wedding RUN the other way. Tell them you’ll be out of town, tell them you can’t!”
Nephew’s girlfriend is pretty wealthy. Her sister got married during covid so basically had a small family wedding but with at least 50 people there, then a year later had the big big blow out wedding. There were weekends for bachelorette parties and showers they had to attend (out of town). Now another sister is getting married and it is again a big wedding. GF and nephew said no, they won’t be doing that. They are just sick of spending all their vacation and money going to weddings.
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Thought of this thread when I saw this:
$5,000 drink served on the Disney Wish (newest Disney cruise ship). Includes a visit to the Skywalker Ranch in California.
Many people would have no interest. Could not afford. But some do and can.
I’m with FallGirl on this one. I’m not going to judge how someone spends his/her money. If people decide to spend their money on pricey weddings, so be it. As my late father-in-law used to say–“whatever floats your boat!”
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We attended a wedding where they didn’t have a registry and asked for no wrapped gifts, but the groom was in the military and the couple was moving to Japan a few days after the wedding. Most people just gave money. In their case it was for convenience…not wanting to move a bunch of stuff overseas.
My D has been in two about to be 3 weddings over the last 5 or so years…one she had to fly to. One was a two hour drive away. The one she’ll be in this fall, is local so no hotel to pay for. None of them of have been multi-day affairs and the bachelorette parties have all been low-key. For the wedding she’s going to be in this fall, the bride is paying for the bridesmaid dresses. For the other two, the brides paid for hair and makeup. She hasn’t had to do big over the top bachelorette parties or go to huge destination weddings…maybe it depends on the friend group?
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I haven’t read this whole thread, so I apologize if this has been covered re “pay your plate”. For anyone who attended a down-sized (small) covid wedding that was followed by a larger re-wedding or reception at a later safer time, did you give a gift if attending both celebrations?
Context: my niece had to cancel her large wedding for covid in May 2021; she scaled it back to immediate family and wedding party only because her mom (my SIL) had cancer. Unfortunately my SIL passed a few months before the wedding, and due to vaccines becoming available my niece invited H, D and I at the last minute to attend the wedding. The ceremony and reception had all the trappings of a large wedding including dj and dancing - for 30 people. After a year living in another part of the country for the groom’s medical residency, they are back in the area and having a full-on wedding reception/party (no ceremony) for probably 150 people, which we will attend. I gave the couple a nice (but not overly lavish) cash gift for the original wedding. So what to do now? Another gift feels like we are “paying for our plate”. But we ARE attending two celebrations at their expense. Thoughts???
H and I chipped in for one of the weddings that D was in, since it was a close friend and H and I were invited, but we couldn’t attend. And we’d probably help with the cost if it was a relative’s wedding or H and I were also going, etc. Otherwise, my kids have to pay for the costs of attending/being in a wedding on their own. If they can’t afford it, tough. That’s life. Luckily, my kids are good at budgeting and saving up for what they want to do.
One of D’s friends got engaged and had planned a nice, big, but not huge wedding, but it was cancelled due to COVID. They had a small ceremony in their backyard with immediate family only and other people could watch via Zoom. When it was safer to do so, they had a vow renewal and reception about a year and a half later, my daughter was one of the bridesmaids at the vow renewal. They had a registry all set up when the wedding got cancelled originally, so they kept it set up for the vow renewal. We gave them something right after they had their Zoom ceremony. That said, for the vow renewal, they made sure to mention that gifts were NOT required and everyone’s presence was a gift…
So I guess it depends on the couple?
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That’s a really good question. I suppose I would think if you attend the other wedding too, you need to give another gift. If you had to travel the first time, I might reconsider attendance at the second party