We tended to be pretty restrictive when they kids were little—limited TV, no electronics in their rooms, household responsibilities, family over friends, etc. Once they hit a certain age, though, it really depends on the kid. We said “no” a lot to our son. He pushed the envelope, and we spent a good part of his teenage years establishing boundaries. Our daughter, on the other hand, is both serious and cautious. I find myself encouraging her to take more risks, put herself out there more, have some fun…even break some rules. We don’t say “no” much to her at all, because she says it to herself enough.
In most cases, when I’ve said “no” I wasn’t the only parent. But … I did say no to Dance Moms (the reality TV show). That woman is just horrible and I have no use for her.
UGH…so many times I said no to things that other parents were just fine with. It kept surprising me how permissive some parents were whom I thought were smart people with a good head on their shoulders. Or maybe it’s just a difference in parenting styles…I don’t know.
Sometimes I regretted my interference because it made my kids uncomfortable with their friends and one time my son get teased about it. But overall, my kids did learn that you don’t have to go along with the crowd. That message alone was worth it all.
I was always the mom who said “no” to many things. My D went to a private independent school where there were students of means whose parents made it their purpose in life to let their kids get away with murder. Parties in empty houses while they vacationed in Europe where drinking was rampant. Letting kids wander free at all hours of the night, etc. Luckily my D was somewhat of a nerd and did not really want that life. But we did have many an argument in middle school and high school about something I wouldn’t let her do. I always told her I have plenty of friends and she was not one of them. I am her mother, I love her and will do whatever I see fit to make her life better.
Flash forward. She is now a 21 year old rising senior at Yale. She still goes to school with the privileged class. Funny though, we are best buds now. She has met so many other students who were those kids who were allowed to do anything and whose parents were their “friends”. Ironically, a lot of them don’t have great relationships with their parents. They realize after awhile that someone who did not care where they were at 3:00 in the morning as 15 years old cannot not really care about me. They then hear stories from those kids who had parents who were parents and they have stated to my D that they wish their parents, in hindsight of course, would have cared enough to discipline and PARENT them.
I love my D to death. She is, thankfully, doing very well. I will never regret being her worse nightmare at times, fierce protector and voice of reason when she was growing up. I urge more parents to take heed. These kids are growing up soft and unable to deal with stress and disappointment when they go away to college. I’ve seen it way too much.
Not so much about saying “No”, but some things we did when the kids were young that seemed like common sense to us:
- We tend to hit the diner each Sunday after mass. (Hence, the "Weight Loss Buddy" thread ;) ) When my oldest was young, I found a piece of plastic, roughly shower curtain sized, in a baby store. It sits under the high chair and catches all the things that fall. When we left any restaurant, it came with us and was shaken outside. I'm still amazed every single time I see a high chair surrounded by food.
- We also were very big, once the kids were about 3 or so, on having them place their own orders (within reason)-- look the waitress in the eye, say "Please", and ask for what you want. Then we amended as necessary.
- Somehow, I'm not sure how, it's been ingrained in our kids to let us know where they are. I don't ever remember insisting on it, but somehow it's become family culture. If my daughter is going to the diner (see a theme here??) after work, I'll get a text asking if it's OK. If they're going from there to mini golf, another text. I almost never say no, but I love the fact that the kids let us know where they are and who they're with. And when I do say no, it's respected.
I’m very very lucky in my kids.
OH, one “no” that my kids still tease me about: I wouldn’t let them watch SpongeBob even when all their friends were watching it.
I figured that my kids didn’t need to watch anything taking place in Bikini Bottom. I just assumed that SpongeBob would have more innuendo than they needed.
Somehow they survived anyway.
We call Chuck E Cheese: Chucky Disease! Been there once for a birthday party and that was it, never again.
“Somehow, I’m not sure how, it’s been ingrained in our kids to let us know where they are.”
This is de facto in our house. And, when children watch their parents adhere to this, they learn. I explained one time that we always tell others where we are going (and not just one person because that one person might leave and forget to pass the message). It’s not to micromanage but it’s just a courtesy in case someone needs you. Even in my office, we just tell others when we’re stepping out for a few minutes.
@tutumom2001 I still get “Can I stay over (her best friend’s) house tonight?” And I think “You are 20, you really don’t need to ask but just to inform”…but say “Sure, no problem.”
^^^ This reminds me of my DD (rising college sophomore) - every fall on the first day of school starting when she was in kindergarten I took a photo of her holding a sign with the date and “First Day of” whatever grade/name of school. At some point during elementary school she asked if she’d still have to do the picture when she went to college.
Fast forward to this past fall - she wrote her own sign that had the date/First Day of Freshman Year/name of college, had her roommmate take a picture of her holding it, and texted it to me.
I like that the habit stuck!
I refused to let D1 or D2 go to overseas “language” programs in 8th grade. Each time, the chaperones had to leave a child in the hospital with salmonella or something else infectious, and the parent had to fly to Peru or Guatemala to retrieve their 13/14 year old…
I am always told this and sometimes it is true. In our area, they always stay at someone’s home for prom or go somewhere. I always call the parents to see if they will be there and to see if alcohol will be served etc. The last time I called, I was the ONLY parent who had called and there would be 10 couples (boys and girls) at the homecoming event. According to my kids I am the strictest/meanest mom in our area. I explained that I had a tiara and a sash I would be wearing them in the parade. 
If being strict means I know where my kids are and I get them out of a bad situation, then I will take it as a compliment. In the South there is an expression…nothing good happens after midnight.
@woodlandsmom I always wanted to check if parents would be there but I started being a little more subtle about it…like I would drop my DD off and ask the mom what time I should pick her up. No mom to ask, you don’t get to stay and yes one time I waited 'til a mom came home.
Or after prom I wanted to make sure she was going to her girl friends house and not with her BF so i had her snapchat herself at her friends with her mom in the background…a little less embarrassing for them.
Even as an adult I want to have an idea where my kid is. There is too much going on in the world. So, if she is going out and tells me she is in one part of town, if something happens in another area, I am not panicking. But if she went somewhere else, she could be caught in a bad situation and I not even know to be worried. I did the same in my 50s with my mother. It’s called common courtesy. But it also depends on your relationship. For some, it may be intrusive. For us, it is not.