<p>I'm wringing my hands and I need some perspective. D is 19, home for spring break, and wanted to go to another town 100 miles away to a St. Pat's celebration. There's a parade and all, but it's really just a big drunk party. She wanted to go with 2 friends who are big partiers. D doesn't drink much. They planned to spend the night at a motel. Anyway, after factoring everything in (bad road conditions, wildness of friends) I told her I did not want her to go. She respected my decision. </p>
<p>Anyway, am I being overprotective? Normally I encourage D to try new things, travel, meet new people, have experiences that will help her ease into adulthood with confidence, but this trip just didn't sit right.</p>
<p>I don’t think you did a thing wrong. You gave your honest opinion about the situation. The real problem comes when they do not want to take your advice and insist on doing what they please. THe question then becomes, what you should do. Should you put your foot down and issue ultimatums and penalties? Should you just acquiesce graciously? Give in begrudgingly and with many warnings? It all depends on the situation. </p>
<p>If my son had wanted to go to Mexico for spring break for instance, I would have kicked up a fit, and certainly would not have spent dime one to help him go there. Just to dangerous in my opinion. However, what can one do at this stage if they go anyways, on their own money and time and arrangements? To be vindictive about it can really be cutting off your nose to spite your face. </p>
<p>Usually when my kids decide to go with what I say, their is a part of them that agrees. They, too , are conflicted and my say just shifts the scales. If they have determined they are going to do something, it would take more than my say so for them to change their minds. Sometimes nothing will change their minds.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have a good relationship/good communication w/your DD. As she is not a “big” partier, she may have welcomed your position as a way for her not to have to go with her friends. I think if we respect our children, they will often mirror back that respect.
Now—Mexico—a whole other kettle of fish. That would not be a negotiable item this year/2009. Reports of kidnappings and beheadings are too frequent and real. There are other places the students can spend Spring Break without having to deal with that!</p>
<p>Even as kids get older, as a mother, you are still allowed to give advice. The situation turns into “I advised her that I didn’t think it was safe for her to go. She respected my advice.”</p>
<p>Some things just don’t “feel” right at the time. And I share with my Ds when I get those feelings. Of course, you have to save your bullets for the big things, so that when you get one of your “feelings”, those feelings are taken seriously.</p>
<p>In light of the fact that she’s too young to drink, I don’t think this should even be an issue. I always tell my kids that there are simply some circumstances under which no good outcome is possible and that those should be avoided at all costs. This is one of those.</p>
<p>Thanks so much. You are all wise. I feel much better. You are absolutely right. When D REALLY wants to do something, she says “I’m doing this Mom.” </p>
<p>And your advice about “advising” as opposed to “deciding” is right on. The truth is that the days of me making decisions for her are long gone.</p>
<p>Mexico? Yikes! I’m so glad I didn’t have to deal with THAT one!</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m glad the other parents felt the same way, and the plans never got off ground. What the heck to do when they are determined to do something that you know is not a good idea?</p>
<p>Once our kids turned 18, given that they are all responsible people, they never had to ask us for permission to go anywhere. I give my opinion, but it’s up to them.</p>
<p>My rule growing up with my parents was if you aren’t home by 11pm don’t come home until the morning, and that never changed. It really was a ploy for me to plan ahead and not get caught drunk somewhere where I would need to drive home. </p>
<p>Just a thought, what if you D was the DD? How would her friends get transported around? I know it sounds like I am advocating that D get used by her friends, but some people just don’t drink and have a great time. Hopefully her friends figure out an alternative and don’t try to drink and drive.</p>
<p>There is also the fact that there will be plenty of other drunk drivers on the road…if the bar down the street from my office is any indication.</p>
<p>My D has been used by friends as the designated driver. After a while, it gets old. The first half of the party may be fun, but the last half of the party can get pretty sloppy and not a lot of fun for someone who is sober.</p>
<p>good job! My 19 yr old son (wait… I mean my 20 yr old son) recently actually shockingly THANKED me for putting my foot down and not letting him do something that he claimed he wanted to do… later, when it became painfully obvious that what he thought he wanted to do would have been a disaster. :D</p>
<p>18 seems a little young to me, but then I have an 18 year old daughter. I’m not ready for her to go backpacking throughout Europe, a cruise of the Caribbean, a week in Waikiki with just her soon to be graduated from high school friends (with no adult in the picture). And yes, these are all plans that she and her friends have come up with to celebrate graduating from high school.</p>
<p>Whatever happened to just going to Disneyland?!</p>
<p>I have to give credit to DH for making me push my limits in terms of letting go. All three of my kids including DD did trips abroad with just friends before 18, staying in hostels. It’s not that I didn’t lose any sleep, but they have become confident, worldly people and I feel I did what was best in their cases.</p>
<p>He just kept reminding me I was in college at 17 and on a study abroad program at 18. When I remembered how capable I was I could see what they were ready for.</p>
<p>i think its awesome that your daughter respected you opinion at her age:) Be proud that you did a very very good job instilling “plans” for negotiating life.</p>
<p>This one was always a battle for me, My dh my kids dad and i lived together for 3 years before we got married. We were married when they were born, but to me…its soooo hypocritical to expect more from then, than we did. I have always been honest with my kids, pros/cons…family reactions ( very irish/very italian) lol…but I could NOT be talked out of it back then…no planning…nada. My parents and my hubbys’ never finished college…We have tried so hard to give our kids the chance, our own parents were unable to provide,</p>
<p>I haven’t read all the posts, but I say you did your job. She’s only 19. I don’t think you were overprotective. The fact that she accepted your decision – and it sounds like it wasn’t a big clash – probably means that she had doubts as well.</p>
<p>speaking of Mexico…
“Gunmen attacked the police chief of Cancun, a major Mexican beach resort with rising cases of drug gang violence, killing one of his bodyguards but leaving him unharmed, the government said on Friday.”</p>
<p>Some of my son’s friends were there during this event in March. WOW. Thankfully, my s has no money and was not able to join them on this trip. He’s 21 so I don’t think he would ask my permission. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to risk going down there now. </p>
<p>We had situations where we put on foot down on crazy trips/ideas. But that was in high school. Certainly, wouldn’t contribute a penny toward these trips. But I can’t see saying no. Son is talking about Bonaroo (a rock festival in Nashville) this summer…hopefully he’ll have a job and wont’ be able to go. If he doesn’t have a job - not sure how he would fund it. If he does go…I will worry of course - but can’t say no.</p>
<p>If my 18 yr old daughter wanted to go to a huge party and she would be accompanied by friends who liked their substances, I would be concerned and encourage her to do something else.</p>
<p>* talking about Bonaroo (a rock festival in Nashville) this summer…hopefully he’ll have a job and wont’ be able to go. If he doesn’t have a job - not sure how he would fund it. If he does go…I will worry of course - but can’t say no.*</p>
<p>Age old story- never time and money at the same time :(</p>
<p>If she was into music as much as I am, and she was going to Bonnaroo.Coachella or SXSW, depending, and if she was going with friends who were going for the rocknroll not the sex/drugs, I would give my blessing.</p>
<p>( I think Bonnaroo is in the mts of Tenn- 09’ has the Beastie Boys and Al Green )
Of course I don’t know * what she is doing* day to day, she has been in south India since end of February.</p>
My dh my kids dad and i lived together for 3 years before we got married. We were married when they were born, but to me…its soooo hypocritical to expect more from then, than we did. I have always been honest with my kids, pros/cons…family reactions ( very irish/very italian) lol…but I could NOT be talked out of it back then…no planning…nada. My parents and my hubbys’ never finished college…We have tried so hard to give our kids the chance, our own parents were unable to provide,</p>