Rules for a college student that commutes/on vacation

Parent Cafe
1

<p>*Key points:
-Age: 17
-Senior in High School- and I work my TAIL off.
-Parents are Haitian immigrants- already tags them as overprotective and sometimes irrational, but what immigrant parent isn't? (Just a joke, please do not take offense).</p>

<p>So, I'm mentally preparing myself to the possibility of attending my safety: a CUNY school (mainly commuter schools), because the financial aspect of a residential college isn't looking too good right now, despite merit aid received by some EA-accepted schools. Maybe I'm just being a Debbie Downer, because this CSS Profile is stressing me out.</p>

<p>My parents are overprotective (as stated above), and are very iffy and against me going somewhere without adult supervision. "It's for your safety." is the constant reply. </p>

<p>They advise me to go to a CUNY for undergrad because it's cheaper, closer to home, safer, good biology program at the CUNY I would attend if accepted. And they told me that it would be easier to save up for medical school and from there I can go away. But at this moment, I can only see myself attending SUNY Downstate Medical Center (a good medical school, but it's close to home). </p>

<p>Also, they say I can have the luxury of taking classes that start late in the day. What they don't realize is that there may be a possibility of me arriving home late, like around 9-11 PM, and they don't even like me walking my dog around the block when it's dark out. So that logic goes out the window. </p>

<p>And I quote: "People won't bother a girl that has a backpack and looks like she's coming home from school at night, but they will steal your dog when you walk him late!"- My mother. I won't be offended if you laugh, because I definitely did when I told my best friend what she said.</p>

<p>Since, my parents have such an iffy attitude when I want to hang out with friends during free time, I don't think that this attitude will let up during college. My parent's friends' three college daughters are proof of that.</p>

<p>So now down to the real question(s): Do any of you parents have rules for your college students if they commute or come home during breaks? Any suggestions I can bring to the table to let my parents loosen the reins? Do you let your children do as they please? Do they have curfews? Are they allowed to make time for social, work, etc. outside of school?</p>

<p>I apologize for the length of this question. Thank You.</p>

2

<p>Am not a parent, but am going to recount from my own college experiences.
Background:
I started college as a 17 year old and am a son of two Chinese-immigrant parents. </p>

<p>There were no rules whenever I came home on vacation from college…certainly nothing like curfew or regulating what friends I hang out with. In short, I was allowed to use my free time as a pleased so long as I didn’t flunk out of college and wake up my parents when I arrived home late. </p>

<p>It helped that back in their home country, college students were given the same treatment and expectations accorded to mature adults. Restrictions like what you described were regarded by my parents as mainly appropriate for children and adolescents…not college-aged young adults.</p>

3

<p>OP, these are good questions. Every family is different, and I’m not going to presume to tell you what is right for yours. But I’ll tell you a few things we’ve worked out with our college-age daughter.</p>

<p>First, we try to remember that she is growing and maturing all the time. Rules that were appropriate a year ago may need to be re-evaluated. She always wants more freedom than we want her to have – this is very natural. But when something needs to be changed, we sit down and talk it out with her, and usually reach some kind of compromise: more than what we want, less than what she wants. </p>

<p>The way she approaches us is really important. She’s required to demonstrate that she understands the possible problems or dangers of loosened restrictions, and how she will deal with them. She needs to be very mature and reasonable when she asks for more freedom; whining, begging, accusing, poorly thought-out arguments – these are all reasons for us to believe that she’s not mature enough for the privileges she’s asking for. When she’s adult and logical, willing to listen to us, and willing to accept less than everything she wants – we are more likely to change the rules a bit.</p>

<p>Another thing: she needs to remember that when she’s living with us (on break or during the summer, in her case), she’s not a free agent. There are other people in the house, and she needs to be considerate of our opinions and feelings. Curfew is a great example. Last summer, she wanted to be able to stay out as late as she wanted, and she correctly pointed out that when she’s at school, we’d never even know. But the fact is, when she’s home, we DO know. We lie awake waiting for her, and worry ourselves sick if she’s not home by what we think is a reasonable time. When we explained that to her, she understood (didn’t necessarily like it, but understood), and we agreed on a compromise curfew. She was responsible and respectful with the curfew last summer, and we’ll probably remove it altogether next summer if she asks.</p>

<p>How to get more freedoms? Be responsible with the ones you already have, 100% of the time. Since our daughter was very young, she’s always known that she has to earn privileges. When she proves herself trustworthy with the freedom she has, we’re far more likely to listen to her when she wants a little more. </p>

<p>Finally, be patient with them. You’re becoming an adult, but you’re not quite there yet. This is a very difficult transition for parents, you know. It’s been our job to protect you all these years, and believe it or not, there ARE dangers out there that you’re not aware of. Now we have to start letting go. It’s scary for us, and we tend to want to hold on. Give them some time.</p>

4

<p>I commuted for two years and now return on breaks, and will be moving back after graduation until I get married in a year or two. I have a strict curfew, am not allowed out overnight, and have to ask permission before I go out if I am going to be driving. I have to do my own cooking and my own laundry, and I can’t have company. That’s about it. The curfew and having to ask permission to go out thing is kind of a huge pain in the ass at my age, but it’s their house so I don’t complain, I’d be homeless if they didn’t let me live here-- that sucks worse. If my work schedule permits I am going to volunteer to do all the grocery shopping and cooking, we don’t eat until 10pm while my mom is responsible for it. :stuck_out_tongue: I think your best bet is to just go along with it and be patient. I fought hard my first year and a half or so because I was miserable feeling like I was still a high school student, and I am not going to say that really gets any less obnoxious as time passes, but eventually you realize you’re lucky to have a place to stay and it’s a lot more pleasant if you just cooperate. As you show more and more signs of maturity they will probably lighten up some. If med school is your dream you need to keep tight purse strings to make it happen. Debt sucks-- that’s why I’ll have a curfew until I’m 24. :stuck_out_tongue: TRUST ME, you’re getting a sweet deal. Enjoy becoming a doctor.</p>

5

<p>Thank you for the advice, everyone! If any more people have suggestions, please do not hesitate to post. Once again, thank you. :)</p>

6

<p>Rosary, you sound like a great 17 year old!
It is hard to understand this, because you have not been there yet, but parents really, really worry. It is our job. We worry from the time our kids are born, and we never stop. We wish we could, but we can’t. Somehow, it is easier for us to let go of the minute-to-minute worry when our kids are not at home. We never let go of the overall worry. And, the minute-to-minute worry returns as soon as they come back.
Teenagers, on the other hand, are in a developmental stage where they need to prepare for independence. This would be a totally scary proposition, if it weren’t for the huge dose of invincibility that they were somehow given. Teenagers genuinely believe that nothing can happen to them! Good thing - because if they really acknowledged what could happen they would never take any risks and would be paralyzed in their job of growing up.
So, this adds up to a conflict!
I would encourage you to think carefully about what you think are reasonable rules for you to follow if you commute, and then ask your parents if you can make a time to discuss them. Tell them that you are all after the same goals - to have a successful college career, to go to med school, to have a healthy social life and to stay safe. Be prepared to give and take a little on the rules that will accomplish these goals. You may be surprised about how reasonable your parents will be once you explain your point of view. Do not yell or get emotional and it will get you much farther.
Good luck, and keep up the great work!</p>

7

<p>I was a commuting student for 2.5 years (35 years ago if that makes a difference). I definitely had rules. This was before cell phones, so the first year I would tell my parents when I expected to be home and call if I was not going to be home. I also worked sometimes, so might not get home until 10:30 at night or later if I was attending a party or some other social occasion. The parents would not wait up but set an alarm for me that I would turn off when I got home- so they could go to sleep knowing that they would be alerted if I did not get home within a reasonable time of what I had said. By my second year in school I told them approximately when I would be home, as would any resident of the house, but no other restrictions were put on my coming and going (I never spent the night elsewhere unless a pre-arranged visit with a same sex friend.) I was expected to help out around the house, clear dishes, help with dinner if I was there, but no longer had chores (e.g. vacuuming, etc) except for keeping my room clean and doing my own laundry, making my own breakfast and lunch. Now as a parent, I can understand worrying about my daughter in a ditch somewhere so would expect an approximate idea of her return, which is the same expectation I would have for any other long term resident in the home whether an adult or not.</p>

8

<p>I have a specific comment about the curfew. I don’t know about other parents, but what concerns me is not the specific time my kid gets home, but uncertainty. Rather than a set curfew, my preference is for him to tell me when he expects to get home, and to call me (BEFORE that time) if it’s going to be later. If he follow that simple approach, then I don’t get mad, although I might not be happy.</p>

9

<p>We didn’t have any commuter students, but 3 who came home for vacations when late-night activities were an issue. It was silly to have any “curfew” at such a responsible age. On the other hand, each one objected the first time, freshman year first-vacation, to our request that we “hear from them” once at 1 a.m. with phonecall if they were out beyond that. We gained understanding when we told them this was not a curfew. Rather, it was the same adult courtesy we took with each other as spouses. When we travel, we call. When one of us is abnormally late, we call. It’s just adult household consideration and we were treating them like adults. We don’t come and go like ships in the night. </p>

<p>As we explained to each of them, we just needed to know after 1 a.m. that they were safe; and if they cared to share it, where they were and what their estimated time of arrival was for the rest of the night, even if it was 4 a.m. Then we could fall asleep and be ready for our own work the next day. Believe it or not, 1 a.m. is our regular, parental bedtime; point is, we have responsibilities also and need to sleep without excess worry. We also keep phones bedside for frail elderly parents, so we’re there for emergencies. This is not a curfew. We did have curfews through high school, although by senior year we got pretty lax about it because they clearly were behaving responsibly in so many ways. </p>

<p>Perhaps you can initiate a mature conversation with them, if you do end up at CUNY, about how you can ease their minds without having the requireD of “curfew” which really isn’t age-appropriate for a college student, I feel. Listen to their concerns about street safety and see what you can do to adapt to what sounds sensible in NYC. LOL about the backpack v. dog analysis; I appreciate your sense of humor there! </p>

<p>Adults also try out a system for 2 weeks and then promise to have a discussion to all evaluate it and tweak/adjust any procedures that aren’t working well for someone. That’s mature, and done in workplaces. Sometimes it’s hard to implement a new system that works ideally for all. But if you all promise to discuss it in 2 weeks together, that may keep from having a big night-time fight the first time someone is unhappy with a changed system. Instead you say, “oh, tonight didn’t go so well for us; we’ll talk about that tomorrow (or in a week…) and adjust that aspect.” And if they get bonkers with you, you also say, “okay, goodnight, that’ll be something to discuss at our discussion.” Never fight at 4 a.m., it’s exhausting for students and adults alike.</p>

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<p>Another thing to remember: Freedom isn’t all-or-nothing. Take it in small steps. Don’t ask for NO curfew at first; that is unreasonable IMO. Ask for an extra half-hour, and tell your parents that if you prove untrustworthy, you’ll go back to the old curfew. And then make doggone sure that you follow their rules to the letter. If the new curfew is 11:30, DO NOT walk in the door at 11:32 (in fact, arriving 5 minutes early will really impress them). If they ask you to call them every hour on the hour, make SURE that you do it. Show them you respect their rules and their concerns. After you’ve shown you can be trusted a few times, they’ll begin to relax a little.</p>

11

<p>Just thought of one more. :)</p>

<p>Never, and I mean NEVER, use the argument “Everyone else gets to…” That’s pretty much an automatic “No” in our house.</p>

12

<p>I discontinued curfew for D junior year of high school, when she had her own car and usually took it out in the evenings. Instead, she was required to text me when she changed locations, before leaving one place and after arriving at another. That way, I knew that she made it safely to each destination and knew she was not on the road broken down or whatever. There were times when she decided to stay over at a friend’s and she texted me, always to make sure it really was okay…with me it was never about what time as much as where she was. Now that she is in college, she follows the same rule with home and I can go to sleep knowing that she will keep me informed without me having to know all the details…ps she is particularly mature, not a drinker, and I realize this would not work for everyone.</p>