<p>Here is my essay from the June SAT. I received a 7.
This is my general writing style. I want to know what I should change structurally or otherwise to make my essays better. I realize I used the wrong there towards the end. Otherwise I can't see anything concrete that I did wrong. Please help me out guys!</p>
<p>SORRY!</p>
<p>Here is my essay haha!</p>
<p>Page 1
[Essay</a> Page 1 picture by blackroseswhitedoves - Photobucket](<a href=“Photo Storage”>Photo Storage)</p>
<p>Page 2
[Essay</a> Page 2 picture by blackroseswhitedoves - Photobucket](<a href=“Photo Storage”>Photo Storage)</p>
<p>What prompt did you have?</p>
<p>oh sorry!! It was:</p>
<p>Some people say you should be content with what you have and accept who you are. But it is possible that too much self-acceptance can turn into self-satisfied lack of ambition. People should always strive to improve themselves and to have more in their lives–friends, things, opportunities. After all, where would we be if great people, both in history and in our own time, did not try to have more and to improve themselves?</p>
<p>Please help!!!</p>
<p>Please answer people. 
Haven’t gotten one answer all day!</p>
<p>Few things</p>
<ul>
<li>Avoid “I” in the first paragraph (use “one” - “too often does one see…”)</li>
<li>Avoid using personal anecdotes as examples (instead use literature or history)</li>
<li>Use more than one example</li>
<li>Fill the entire two pages - elaborate on a point, add details to something, etc.</li>
<li>Throw in a couple of fancy words here and there</li>
</ul>
<p>I probably would’ve given a brief intro on the topic, somehow incorporated the quote into my position on the issue, and ended the first paragraph like “This hypothesis can be seen in both literature and history.”</p>
<p>The second paragraph: I’d begin by introducing the novel I’m using as an example and give a very brief (1-2 sentence) plot summary. I’d then get to how a particular moment or character in the story supports my thesis.</p>
<p>Third paragraph: I’d start by saying "The continuing notion of [thesis] can also be seen in ______ by ______. I’d repeat what I did in paragraph 2.</p>
<p>Fourth paragraph: “This thesis can also be seen in history.” Blah blah blah, support here.</p>
<p>Conclusion: “As demonstrated by these examples from literature and history, [thesis].” Then qualify your statement. Something like "This is not to say that self-ambition cannot assist one in bettering one’s life. However, self-acceptance is, more often than not, the healthier and better option.</p>
<p>Great advice! Thank you so much!!</p>
<p>The problem is, depending on the topic, I am/ am not able to think of literature/ history references.</p>
<p>Also, my friends told me to use personal experience. One of my friends used only one example and it was based on personal experience, and scored an 11.</p>
<p>However, I definitely think your method is safer and better structured. I’m definitely going to practice my essay writing with this in mind.</p>
<p>Thank you again!</p>
<p>No problem.</p>
<p>Think of a bunch of examples beforehand. You can easily make a lot of books/history “fit” the prompt. For this particular one, I thought of</p>
<p>Iliad - Paris being overly ambitious and stealing Menelaus’ wife, which only led to the fall of his city</p>
<p>Hobbit - Smaug being overly greedy, hoarding the treasure for himself, terrorizing the town, but eventually getting slain by men</p>
<p>US History - South wanting to expand slavery farther than it already was, Civil War, Reconstruction</p>
<p>These may not all fit perfectly, but the point is that it will look like you absorbed a lot in your HS classes. 9/10 times I can use the Iliad, some other book, and a bit of US history as support.</p>
<p>nice handwriting, but tbh the essay is a little short. No matter how good it is (and I didn’t read it) the length will be a very important factor in the score.</p>
<p>Here’s an example of a 12
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/631339-12-essay-very-poorly-written-wrong-use-vocabulary.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/631339-12-essay-very-poorly-written-wrong-use-vocabulary.html</a></p>