<p>My son will be starting college in 2014. He is devoutly Catholic and also not very outgoing. His ideal preference is a school that has separate men's and women's dorms with restricted intersex visiting hours. There are quite a few schools that meet that criteria. However he also plans to major in Linguistics, which is not offered at most of these schools. It tends to be offered only at the larger universities. </p>
<p>For this reason he probably has to give up on separate dorms and restrictive intersex visitation. So the question is, how to go about trying to get the type of living arrangements he will be comfortable with. </p>
<p>He has learned through his research that some (most?) schools have a “Roommate Contract”, which apparently means that roommates have to agree on things like visiting hours and overnight guests. Some schools also have rules saying that overnight guests are not allowed unless the roommate agrees, etc. </p>
<p>My question is, is it going to be possible through the Roommate Contract to forbid overnight, opposite-sex guests at all times, by simply insisting that it be part of the contract? Would he also be able to insist that no opposite-sex guests be allowed after, say, 10:00 p.m.? Or is he going to be expected to compromise on those things if his roommate disagrees?</p>
<p>He doesn't want to be pushy about it, but he also doesn't want to enroll in a college, only to find out later on that he has to put up with situations that disturb his sleep and peace of mind, and interfere with privacy and study time. </p>
<p>I’m not sure at other schools, but for me your roommate does not have to put up with another roommate’s guests, ever. So technically yes he could do that. The roommate probably wouldn’t be too happy about it depending.</p>
<p>In my experience, a roommate agreement is an opportunity for people who are going to live together to express preferences, voice concerns, set limits…make things clear and usually write it all down for future reference. In it’s best light it is based on compromise and mutual respect. A student can never “forbid” another student from doing something. If it’s such a big concern, there are usually opportunities for new admits to fill out of preference questionaire…and if he’s very explicit about what he is and isn’t comfortable with, I’m sure the school will make every effort to try to match him with a roommate that shares those preferences. After the admissions notifications are complete, many schools set up a Class of XXXX or even sometimes a Class of XXXX Roommate finder page where kids sort of “meet” each other and self-select roommates. Thats really the best that you can do…and if that’s not enough, I’d suggest he stick to schools with single sex dorms, request a single, or live off campus.</p>
<p>JoBenny: Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it. Don’t most schools have a policy that you can only have overnight guests with your roommate’s agreement? are you saying that’s not enforceable?</p>
<p>In my experience, most roommates are pretty respectful about things like this… I am not even remotely Catholic and I wouldn’t want to have my beauty sleep disturbed by my roommate bangin’ some dude either. My roommate in the (girls-only) dorms had guys over but waited to do so until she knew I was going to be out / spending the night elsewhere and I never even had to ask.</p>
<p>"are you saying that’s not enforceable? " Two adults living together – No it’s not enforceable beyond common person to person compromise and acknowledgment.</p>
<p>The purpose of a “Roommate Agreement Form” is not so one roommate can lay down their rules of end all, be all. It’s a form based agreement. To come to an agreement, both sides must compromise. Therefore, if your son’s roommate wants to be able to have people stay over and your son doesn’t want anybody over, people will be over, but not of the frequency that both sides would like.</p>
<p>I don’t think a single sex dorm will help much with the overnight guests. Do any of the colleges that have his major offer singles? To me that would be the best choice. There are lots of places other than dorm rooms to study and your son might have to compromise on the “quiet” study time being in the library - or an honors dorm that might have study rooms.</p>
<p>A single is a nice idea but sounds expensive and it’s already going to be a stretch for us (unless he gets some reeeeeeeeally good financial aid). </p>
<p>The places that have single-sex dorms also tend to have more limited visiting hours and some forbid overnight stays by the opposite sex. For example Baylor and Notre Dame. But combining those types of policies with a linguistics major severely limits his available options.</p>
<p>Your son’s roommate might be gay, in which case he’ll have no problem agreeing to all the opposite-sex restrictions but your son might still wind up dealing with overnight guests.</p>
<p>For that reason, I suggest your son drop the gender restrictions and just ask to make rules about guests in general.</p>
<p>Well, he can work out the details when the time comes, I was just trying to get an idea how the roommate contracts work, how much he would be allowed to insist on, etc. Thanks for the suggestion though.</p>
<p>I am not sure what his linquistics interest is, but linquistics is a branch of anthropology. You may look at schools with that program to fulfill his major requirements, but again it depends on what he wants to study in linquistics.</p>
<p>Just playing devil’s advocate here…but your son could also conceivably be the one wishing to have an occasional guest?</p>
<p>Most students work out an arrangement that works for both of them; it’s just that we only hear about those situations where the roomies are in conflict. Respect and good will flowing in both directions generally resolves most situations.</p>
<p>As I have mentioned before, S1 and his roomie started out the year having some conflicts over the conundrum of socializing / studying in the room–they worked out a compromise where they rotated weeks of each of them having “priority” to use the room as they wished (study/have friends over or whatever they chose) and the other person would “work around” for that week, eg. if the person with that week’s priority wanted to study in the room, the other person would socialize in the lounge or someone else’s room; if the person with priority wanted to have friends over to socialize or watch movies or the game or have a study group, the other person would go the library or a study lounge. Any college campus, any dorm, has plenty of places both to socialize and to study. </p>
<p>They agreed guests had to be out by 11 or 12 (whichever?) on class nights.</p>
<p>Roomie and S1 became very good friends and roomie was best man at my son’s wedding.</p>
<p>ahsmuoh, I thought it was a great solution too, and the boys figured it out by themselves because they WANTED to get along. I was so proud of them for doing this on their own, not even involving the RA. They worked out a lot of issues by just talking them out (for example, cleaning the room/cleanliness standards: they met in the room on Friday afternoons after classes to catch up with one another, clean up the room together, and would go to dinner together, generally at Hillel but wherever…i am not sure which was Felix or Oscar, but this worked for them…)</p>
<p>Students and parents alike have to remember the room is “home” to both roommates and that both have a need to “live” in their home. Neither the “serious student” nor the “social butterfly” has more right to use the room than the other, nor should either have to always give in to the other.</p>
<p>I worry when I read a post like the OP’s (although I am not sure whether it is the parent or the student who is having such great worries about this issue so far in advance) where the poster wants to know what they can “insist” on…just the choice of word worries me because it shows a tendency to lack of flexibility and willingness to compromise. And that alone can start a roommate relationship off on the wrong foot.</p>
<p>"…just the choice of word [“insist”] worries me because it shows a tendency to lack of flexibility and willingness to compromise."</p>
<p>That’s a flimsy premise from which to draw such a conclusion. What I’m trying to do is establish the best and worst case scenarios so that my son knows what he will be dealing with. If it’s the case that he can insist on what he wants in the contract, then he doesn’t have to worry about things not working out. On the other hand, if it’s a situation where it may not be the way he wants it, and he’s going to have to compromise (as it apparently is at most schools), then he needs to be aware of that in advance. </p>
<p>Once he’s aware of what the different options are and what the challenges may be, then he is better equipped to decide where he wants to go. There are some advantages to schools with stricter rules, but they also have more limited majors. Most schools with his desired major have more lax social standards. He will have to give something up in either case. He needs to know how things work before he can make that decision.</p>