<p>My son will be starting college in 2014. He is devoutly Catholic and also not very outgoing. His ideal preference is a school that has separate men's and women's dorms with restricted intersex visiting hours. There are quite a few schools that meet that criteria. However he also plans to major in Linguistics, which is not offered at most of these schools. It tends to be offered only at the larger universities. </p>
<p>For this reason he probably has to give up on separate dorms and restrictive intersex visitation. So the question is, how to go about trying to get the type of living arrangements he will be comfortable with. </p>
<p>He has learned through his research that some (most?) schools have a Roommate Contract, which apparently means that roommates have to agree on things like visiting hours and overnight guests. Some schools also have rules saying that overnight guests are not allowed unless the roommate agrees, etc. </p>
<p>My question is, is it going to be possible through the Roommate Contract to forbid overnight, opposite-sex guests at all times, by simply insisting that it be part of the contract? Would he also be able to insist that no opposite-sex guests be allowed after, say, 10:00 p.m.? Or is he going to be expected to compromise on those things if his roommate disagrees?</p>
<p>He doesn't want to be pushy about it, but he also doesn't want to enroll in a college, only to find out later on that he has to put up with situations that disturb his sleep and peace of mind, and interfere with privacy and study time. </p>
If your son is going to use the rationale that late night guests will disturb his sleep and peace of mind, and interfere with privacy and study time, then he can’t focus on just opposite-sex guests. He could end up with a roommate who is gay, or who just likes to have his buddies over late at night for casual get togethers. If he’s not very outgoing, and will become too stressed out over not unusual college experiences (not necessarily the norm, but not unusual), perhaps he should limit his applications to schools that offer single rooms for freshman somewhere in their housing options.</p>
<p>Yes, agree. He is not going to be able to impose all of his desires on a roommate in his housing contract. Some colleges have pretty robust questionnaires they use to match roommates, which could be helpful. However, I really don’t think that is the best criteria to use to pick a college… If he picks a college with a diverse population in order to get the major he wants, he has to be prepared for roommates who actually want to have friends in the room and occasionally have sex in the room! And who may most decidedly not share his Catholic values. A single (or a more open mind) are the only solutions to this I can see.</p>
<p>Was just thinking about this some more, and I think it might be helpful for your son to pop onto CC in some of the College Life forums and read about some of the experiences students have in college so he might have an idea of what goes on. The reason I say this is because late night endeavors (not just partying and sex) are almost universal when it comes to college life. For instance, D1 was in a sorority beginning second semester freshman year. I know there were nights when she wouldn’t even get back to her dorm until midnight or so, then had to start with studying/homework/showering, or whatever she needed to do at that time. Luckily, her roommate was in the same sorority, so they had similar hours, but these were very late night hours that had nothing to do with partying and sex in the room. Likewise, D2 was in an a cappella group beginning freshman year, and had rehearsal two nights a week from 10:30-midnight! So she, too, also had late nights in the room, where I’m sure she wasn’t coming right back and jumping straight into bed to sleep. There are all kinds of late night activities that a roommate might be involved in, in which they have to be up late to squeeze everything in. I’m sure I’m missing out on all kinds of activities that take place late at night, causing a roommate to be coming in late/studying late, etc. Again, if quiet, early nights are that much of a concern, he really needs to do whatever he can to get a single, because just agreeing with someone that you’re not going sexile the other, is not a guarantee that things will be nice and quiet from 10PM on every night.</p>
<p>I agree he should look for a single room. If he tries to ‘insist’ and ‘forbid’ things, I can’t imagine many room mates who would go along with him. There is a lot of disruption of sleep and interference with privacy in sharing a room with someone.</p>
<p>With the exception of a few really religiously conservative colleges ranging from Notre Dame to Bob Jones, not really.</p>
<p>Not only that, most of those proposed demands…especially if they’re insisted upon tend to go over well like a lead balloon with most roommates at more mainstream colleges. </p>
<p>BTW: 10 pm is really early for most undergrads…especially considering some courses I knew of even at my traditionally residential LAC ended as late as 9:30 at night.</p>
<p>Incidentally, my post-college roommates in the Boston area recounted interviewing one potential roommate who made similarly restrictive proposals when he proposed a 10 pm curfew due to noise/lifestyle preferences. Considering those roommates were medical residents who could be asked to work really long odd hours, this was regarded even moreso as absurd. Not surprisingly, they rejected that potential roommate and even advised him that he may want to consider finding himself a studio/1 bedroom.</p>
<p>My son just got through NEGOTIATING his roommate agreement and I think “negotiation” is the key term. Although he requested a room with just one roommate, he ended up in a quad, so there were 4 personalities to accomodate. While he got some of the things he wanted, he did not get everything he would have liked. - If your son approaches the process from a standpoint of “insisting” on things that he wants, I don’t think it will go well. (For that matter, living with someone else in general is not going to go very well if he is not willing to compromise some of the things he wants or thinks he needs to have in order to be happy.)</p>
<p>Although we did not have formal roommate agreements when I went to college, I think learning to compromise with others is such an important part of the experience, that I would think twice before jumping into a “single” room. Especially if your son is not outgoing, he could benefit from having a roommate, even if it means having to compromise or work through some of the other issues such as learning to sleep while someone else is up studying.</p>
<p>He could cut down on those issues by doing things like choosing a substance free or single sex dorm - there are all sorts or choices that can be made, at large universities, that will reduce the chances of him having a party atmosphere dorm or a party animal roommate.</p>
<p>Contracts are negotiated. They are not simply imposed on the other person.</p>
<p>Reality is that your son may not want these restrictions himself when he starts college. He may end up in a study group for a class which routinely meets at midnight or will have some group project for a class that involves late nights. Some of the people in the same study group or part of a group project may be of the opposite sex. Or he may become involved in an EC which is co-ed. </p>
<p>MANY colleges do not offer singles to freshmen or only have a limited #. So, if your S will only go to colleges where he is guaranteed a single, this will mean that he will have eliminated a LOT of colleges from consideration.</p>
<p>My 1st thought would be, are these criteria that you would like for your son, or that he has set? I would think that he might be better off in a single as others have suggested. The guidelines you have listed are pretty unrealistic at most colleges. I know that this quarter my son has an 8:30 PM class, and that is not unusual in college. I can’t imagine too many freshman being OK with the rules you have set forth. It sounds like he should look for a college that has an extensive roommate questionnaire so your son can find someone with similar needs. I’m sure there must be someone out there who would be willing to live within those guidelines but the trick is being able to find him. I don’t think it would be fair to get a randomly assigned roommate and expect him to agree to your rules. I know my son has a lot of good friends who are girls- he would not be happy if he could not have them over after 10:00 as that is pretty early in college life!</p>
<p>Many colleges will allow students to request specific people as roommates, so long as both of them make the request.</p>
<p>During the period between acceptance and turning in the housing contract, some students use Facebook or other social media to find compatible roommates. They then request each other. This is not foolproof. You can’t get a comprehensive view of someone from Facebook alone. But it’s better than nothing.</p>
<p>Also, if your son is highly academic, he might want to know that Cornell has an undergraduate linguistics major. Cornell also has a lot of singles for freshmen. But it does not have any single-sex dorms for men. Columbia also has singles for freshmen, but it only has a linguistics concentration, not a major.</p>
<p>Another thought: Your son might want to contact the Muslim or Orthodox Jewish organizations at the college he plans to attend. Most Catholics don’t choose lifestyles as restricted as what he’s looking for, but many Muslims and Orthodox Jews do. He might be able to find a compatible roommate among the young men of those faiths – especially if both of them are interested in learning about the other’s faith and culture.</p>
<p>My cousin’s daughter just transferred to a local state school she can commute to. She lived in a dorm for a year and hated it. Hated the noise, the inability to control her room mates, the late hours, the drinking, etc. I think her expectations were similar to your sons wrt to dorm living. At best I think you may want to look into local school he can commute to, or a college that allows freshman a single or a suite where everyone has their room. Even if the room mate signs a restrictive contract like what your son proposes, who is to say the room mate will adhere to it. Yes, your son can seek help from the RA, but then you have a hostile room mate. Good luck with your search.</p>
<p>Perhaps commuting from home would be preferable. OR, you parents can buy a house or condo in the college town. That way you will have 100% control over who rents the other rooms. The criteria can be put in the advertisement for roommates and in the lease. </p>
<p>Maybe (huge maybe) your son will be able to “negotiate” with his roommates but he won’t be able to negotiate with everyone on campus. Sometimes the noise comes from down the hall, or outside on the street. </p>
<p>And (hell is freezing over) I agree with Cobrat about a 10:00 "curfew. In my opinion, it is not realistic to think that any roommate will be able or willing to adhere to this all the time. I had classes that met once weekly for 7-10 p.m. My son’s orchestra rehearsals and concerts very often went later than that. Heck, his part time job was later than that.</p>
<p>I think this student needs to recognize that he will need to compromise to be a good roommate. I mean really…what of others in the room have a “contract” that says 1:00 a.m curfew, or whatever?</p>
<p>This is a college dorm, for heavens sake. The student needs to prioritize…</p>
<p>For most kids it’s a give and take situation…much like sharing a room at home. I think your son needs to think seriously about what is non-negotiatble items and which items can be compromised. My new college freshman and his roommate worked out a “time” during the week that people needed to clear out of the room. My son as all 8 AM classes, his roommate all 10 AM. Little things like this. 10 PM is probably too early, For my son, lacrosse practice doesn’t get out until 9:30 at night four nights a week. If the inter-sex visiting is a deal breaker it will narrow his college list greatly but many colleges have all male dorms and all female dorms. For example even the huge University of Michigan has one female dorm with I think restrictive visiting hours, but I do not know if they have a comparable male dorm - so you’ll have to do some digging and research.</p>
<p>The way you can help is to see what things are deal breakers for him and what things he can negotiate and then craft a wise college application list.</p>
<p>And yes, “forbid” is a formidable word. If his feelings are that strong and he will not waiver, his college application list will be a short one, which isn’t all bad if he’s that rigid…it makes it easier in some ways.</p>
<p>I’ll second Marian’s suggestion of looking into getting a roommate who is Muslim or Orthodox Jewish. Add Mormon to that list. Also, the Facebook suggestion is good. I’ve known several people who found their roommates on their college’s Facebook page for incoming students. They were able to discuss values and priorities before they moved in together.</p>
<p>He and/or his roommate may end up with late night classes, practices, or rehearsals. However, as long as the person comes in quietly and doesn’t bring in anyone else, that shouldn’t be a problem.</p>
<p>I agree that the way to go about this isn’t to “demand” things. </p>
<p>At my institution, visitors in the room aren’t allowed PERIOD unless everyone in the room/suite agrees. And that’s how it should be. You accommodate the roommate who is least comfortable/most uncomfortable in a situation (within reason, of course. I can’t say I don’t want people with blonde hair to ever come over because I don’t like blondes. But I can (and did) say I didn’t want opposite sex visitors overnight (regardless of orientation of my roommates, even if it was a brother/dad/whoever). One of my roommates said she was going to do what she wanted without worrying about anyone else, so I switched dorms (extremely hard to do here)) 10pm is not early for me, but it is for many college students. </p>
<p>My school doesn’t have a roommate contract requirement; they don’t even mention it. They should, it would seriously help. </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Edited to add - I had Muslim and Jewish roommates and they were not like OP’s son in terms of conservativeness at all. I was and and am the most “conservative” of them and my friends, and I do not strictly identify with any religion. It honestly depends on the person. Especially in college, students do things they wouldn’t do at home (besides the “typical” college things, I’ve seen a lot of strictly religious friends become lax with their practice/views once in college).</p>