<p>By the way, I too was impressed also by the way your son and his roommate worked things out. Most anything can be worked through when both sides are acting in good faith, and they obviously were. </p>
<p>But from my older son’s experience, and that of a niece of mine, I also know how miserable you can be when your roommate is not considerate of your viewpoints and values (intolerance can work both ways, liberal and conservative, religious and non-religious). I’m not saying you should never room with someone that thinks different, but it’s a fact that sometimes things can be worked out, and sometimes they can’t. When you’re at an impasse, it might be nice to know that there are rules you can fall back on (and that too can work both ways).</p>
<p>I don’t think that your son will be able to insist on no overnight guests. It’s something a lot of college students won’t budge on (students in long distance relationships, for example, who wouldn’t want their significant other to have to pay for a hotel). If your school lets you choose roommates, that may e your best bet. Find someone who shares his beliefs and just room with them to start with. If not, and if it is an issue, have him join a catholic organization at school or make some friends at mass and ask if any of them need a roommate. There are always options. Maybe your son will even decide he’s fine with overnight guests or even want one of his own (a girlfriend or maybe a friend visiting from his old high school). You never know!</p>
<p>What happens if the roomie “insists” on exactly the opposite things that the OP wants for her son?
For example, what if the roomie “insists” that he be allowed to have video game gatherings in the room every night after dinner (and being in a single sex dorm won’t solve this one).
What if the roomie “insists” that he wants to study in the room every night, and he is a foreign language major who needs to practice his speaking skills (out loud) every night? This happened to my niece.
What if roomie needs to play guitar every night for an hour as the way he relaxes before getting ready for bed?</p>
<p>Also, a lot of things change over the course of a year.</p>
<p>The OP’s son and roomie may agree on a “no girls in the room policy” at the beginning of the year because neither has a girlfriend and because they are going along with their parents’ wisdom.</p>
<p>Fast forward to November: OP’s son now has a girlfriend, and he would like to spend private time with her in his room. </p>
<p>The overnight guest thing is probably the one thing he can insist on at some schools as many schools have a policy that the roommate must agree to overnight guests. He may well have to be pushy and may not be very popular with his roommate but at many schools he would get his way, on paper at least.</p>
<p>My niece attends a school with the following policy:</p>
<p>Any guest may be asked to leave by a roommate. Such a request must be met with complete and immediate compliance.</p>
<p>This didn’t stop the roommate from sexiling my niece and the 3rd roommate on day 3 of college when she “brought her girlfriend to college.” My niece was going to sleep in the hall?!? until someone took her into their room.</p>
<p>They also had a roommate agreement completed on day 2 of college which prohibited sexiling in part because they are in a triple. The 2 girls didn’t want to make a stink at midnight when they got home to “no room” following an orientation event. They asked the couple to stop/leave but they said no and the RA wasn’t home. Oh and the punishment for not following university rules and the roommate agreement - she was told don’t do that again. Since then they have sex during the day and “just sleep” at night when the girlfriend is in town. Great! If they push to prohibit the girl from sleeping in the room that means that they can never have anyone in the room either and one of the girls wants her sister to be able to stay overnight a few times for special events in the city.</p>
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<p>Disturbed sleep and lack of privacy are two things he should absolutely expect living in a dorm, maybe not every night but often enough. Many dorms are also not great places to study. I don’t know what exactly will disturb his peace of mind but expect in any dorm building you may well find alcohol and drug use, random sex between strangers possibly in bathrooms or lounges, dating couples who regularly spend the night together, loud parties, etc. </p>
<p>Remember if he is in a regular room he will be living in someone else bedroom. Yes it is his bedroom too but he has to share which means compromise. </p>
<p>So good luck. Personally I would really be looking for a school where he can live at home, one that does not require freshman to live in dorms or a single in the dorms.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is any way “insist” can come across as implying any sort of compromise. Roommate contracts are ALL ABOUT compromise. </p>
<p>Since according to the OP some of what her son wants to “insist” on is based in his religious beliefs, then I suggest he find a conservative religious college that comes the closest to his major and take it from there. There ARE schools with curfews, rules against people of the opposite sex being in rooms at all and the like. The ones I am familiar with are HBCU’s but I’m sure there are predominantly white institutions which do as well. </p>
<p>Otherwise OP’s son should do as others have suggested and get a single, no matter how expensive it may be, to preserve his “peace of mind”. Or he can open it…</p>
<p>"Otherwise OP’s son should do as others have suggested and get a single, no matter how expensive it may be, to preserve his “peace of mind”. Or he can open it… "</p>
<p>My son’s mind is as open as anyone’s, thank you. Having an open mind doesn’t mean having no preferences.</p>
<p>“Having an open mind doesn’t mean having no preferences.”</p>
<p>A preference is vastly different from “insisting”. One is something that can be negotiated, the other is a hard line in the sand. In most schools you son can ASK for his “preferences” and negotiate with a roommate to arrive at a COMPROMISE. If he is completely unwilling to do that, i.e. INSIST, than I wouldn’t call what he wants “preferences” but “demands” and an unwillingness to be open to other people’s interests/needs/values.</p>
<p>So which is it? For the former, if he can request a roommate with similar values, he might be able to compromise. If it’s the latter, he’d be better off in a single or commuting from home, or attending a very strict religious school.</p>
<p>When I asked how much my son can “insist” on, I didn’t mean that he expects to have everything his way, or that he is unwilling to compromise, or that he necessarily wants to impose his point of view, etc. I just want him to know what the parameters are that he will be dealing with. Can he get things the way he wants them or not? If not, that’s fine. He’s not going to whine and curse and call down the wrath of God on his roommate. It’s just information to take into account when making his decision. </p>
<p>Thanks again for all the information, I really appreciate it.</p>
<p>filius1–I thought your screen name was in reference to your son.</p>
<p>My experience? With three sons, several nieces/nephews/friends’ kids–unless your son chooses a son with strict rules that are strictly enforced, it’s going to be more about his roommate than the actual choice of school.</p>
<p>He might have more luck getting things the way he (or you) want them if he goes in with a pre-determined room mate.</p>
<p>But, my kids really enjoyed having roomies with vastly different backgrounds, beliefs, and life experiences. Made for the really wonderful, legendary, middle of the night conversations ranging all over the place.</p>
<p>As far as “parameters” we found it useful to explain to my sons that college was going to be a unique environment offering all kinds of new experiences, and that growth comes from experiencing the unfamiliar and taking those risks, especially the risks of getting to know those who are the most different from them. We explained to them they were going to college to get an education–academically and otherwise–and that we wanted them to make the most of every opportunity to learn.</p>
<p>That meant learning to balance their academic success and their success on other fronts as well.</p>
<p>And to learn how to pursue success, doing what was necessary–meaning finding places to study, learning different ways of studying as not one method is appropriate for all classes, learning to get help when it would be beneficial, learning how to advocate for themselves (with professors, advisors, friends, roommates, hall mates…)</p>
<p>Pretty much every dorm has an RA (or an RA supervisor, name of this position varies) on call every night. It may not be the RA on their hall, but there is SOMEONE to go to no matter what at almost every college. I suspect your kid wasn’t listening when they communicated this at orientation or for whatever reason did not want to bring the RA on call into the situation.</p>
<p>Thanks for that. My older son goes to a Catholic college with strict dorm rules and he still had a lot of challenges in learning to deal with being away from home, handling things by himself, making his own decisions, getting to know and understand his roommates, dealing with conflicts, etc. People were loud at all hours of the night, sometimes came in drunk and barfing, etc. Christian colleges are not Shangri-La. </p>
<p>My point being, the visitation/sleepover policies are just a small part of it, and eliminating this one source of conflict is not going to save or protect him from having to grow up and deal with differences and so forth. It’s just a preference that he has, and one which I quite understand. </p>
<p>Everyone has preferences: The Roommate Questionnaires ask people if they prefer living with someone who is a night owl or an early bird; loud or quiet; messy or neat. Why not insist that the neat-freaks learn to live with slobs, or substance-free students live with drunkards? No, those preferences are respected and the school makes an effort to match people up according to those categories. They even have entire “substance-free” dorms in many places. Whereas religious and moral preferences are disregarded. </p>
<p>Well, that’s modern life, what can you do? I just think that my son’s preference is every bit as valid as preferences in these other areas, and there’s nothing wrong with trying to get it if he can.</p>
<p>intparent - Of course my niece knew she could have found an RA on another floor but it was midnight, she was tired and they didn’t really want to make a scene which she felt was going to happen if they pushed the issue at that moment. </p>
<p>The point was that even with university rules and roommate agreements things don’t always go as they should in dorms. Kids don’t always stand up for themselves. Roommates can be mean and vindictive when crossed. RAs and housing departments often make kids try to work it out before a room switch is available. Dorm life is rarely boring!</p>
<p>filius1 - I think the reason the roommate questionnaires don’t ask these things is simply because the definition of neat and messy are fairly easy to identify. Religious and moral mean very different things to different people.</p>
<p>“I think the reason the roommate questionnaires don’t ask these things is simply because the definition of neat and messy are fairly easy to identify. Religious and moral mean very different things to different people.”</p>
<p>Maybe. But my point was that a preference for a “chaste” dorm room is no less valid than a preference for a neat dorm room or a quiet one, etc. If Christian students need to “get over it” and be “open to other viewpoints”, then why shouldn’t the same be required of substance-free students or neat-freak students? If a kid wants a substance-free dorm that wish is respected; but dare to suggest a Christian dorm – or wing, or floor, or even just a room – and all the sudden you’re being closed-minded (witness this thread).</p>
<p>I don’t think it would be legal for a college to place roommates on the basis of religion (i.e., Christian, not Jewish, Muslim or atheist/agnostic). At least not if they get federal aid: it’s in the Constitution. And considering oneself “Christian” doesn’t necessarily indicate a pattern of behavior.</p>
<p>I’d like to see where that is in the Constitution. In any event, my point is that my son’s preference as valid as any other, and it is a behavioral preference. He’s not asking for a Catholic dorm (although that would be great), he just wants restricted intersex visitation and no sex in the dorm.</p>
<p>If that’s all he wants just have him talk to his roommate. A Christian dorm isn’t required. Plus, just because your Christian does not mean you don’t have sex. Don’t place such an emphasis on your son’s roommates religious affiliation.</p>