<p>I just think again your S needs to focus on behaviors that impact him and not those that do not. No girls in room seems unreasonable as men and women can be platonic friends without risk of “lovey dovey”. A young woman in the room should not matter if there is not sexual activity involved.</p>
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<p>Emphasis mine. You ask why your son should have to leave his room-- but why should the roommate have to leave his and take his friend elsewhere or feel that he can’t bring girls into his own room just to spend some time together? After all, the roommate pays the same amount for the room as your son will and should be able to invite guests over. Why should your rule trump a roommate’s right of equal access to a shared space? (This is all assuming, of course, that the dorm itself has not established these rules from the outset.)</p>
<p>I think if you find a roommate ahead of time and you both mutually agree to it, it might work, but if your son chooses to prioritize his major above school choice and has a random roommate, I would be very surprised if this contract stood or the roommate agreed to it. I also couldn’t see the RA/administration supporting a strict enforcement of this contract if things change over the course of the semester.</p>
<p>In other places on this forum there are stories from the other side of this equation-- the poor student having to deal with the unreasonable roommate.</p>
<p>Niquii:</p>
<p>“It shouldn’t be difficult to get both roommates to agree with that rule. Having no members of the opposite sex in the room is a different thing in itself; especially, if no romantic interactions are going on.”</p>
<p>I understand it’s a preference that might be somewhat unusual. Thanks as always for your input.</p>
<p>Nellieh:</p>
<p>“I just think again your S needs to focus on behaviors that impact him and not those that do not. No girls in room seems unreasonable as men and women can be platonic friends without risk of “lovey dovey”. A young woman in the room should not matter if there is not sexual activity involved.”</p>
<p>I understand it seems unreasonable to you. I don’t think it is unreasonable. We may just disagree, or I may not be doing a good job of explaining where he’s coming from. Or it may just be a preference, like vanilla over chocolate, that can’t be explained or doesn’t need to be.</p>
<p>Purpleacorn:</p>
<p>“why should the roommate have to leave his and take his friend elsewhere or feel that he can’t bring girls into his own room just to spend some time together? After all, the roommate pays the same amount for the room as your son will and should be able to invite guests over. Why should your rule trump a roommate’s right of equal access to a shared space?”</p>
<p>I understand that the roommate might disagree. Of course. Not everyone feels or thinks the same way. </p>
<p>I have said over and over that this is a preference of my son’s, and not something he will necessarily refuse to compromise on.</p>
<p>takeitallin raised a good point. If your son gets a triple, it will be hard to have visitors in the room due to space restrictions. Also, it’s unlikely that one roommate would expect to have an overnight guest because he would be inconveniencing two people, not one. Also, triples often cost less than doubles, which would help financially.</p>
<p>^assuming a triple would be a regular room that is. (Not saying that you’re wrong but I seen bigger triple/quad than Double so it’s possible.)</p>
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<p>So black and white… wouldn’t it be simpler to just to an all male or strictly religious college if “keeping it simple” is what he wants? Life and relationships with others (including roommates) are not simple. Period. They require communication and compromise. Why should your son get to tell a roommate he can’t have a girlfriend over when your son is gone for a weekend anyway, or has a three hour afternoon lab every Wednesday? Your son isn’t a small child who needs his eyes and ears covered because sex exists and someone around him might want to engage in it. You are now suggesting that your son should be able to force his values on his roommate when your son is not even present.</p>
<p>And regarding the gay roommate issue… so if that happens, would he want a rule that no other boys were to be allowed in the room? Maybe his roommate won’t tell him right away… so your son had better ban all visitors just in case. This is really all very, very silly. I feel sorry for your son’s roommate, whoever it turns out to be. Although I still sort of suspect this is a parent turning themselves into a pretzel (and driving the kid’s college decision) over something that will be easily worked out between roommates once college starts and the parent is not around.</p>
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<p>Hey OP: I was an RA in college and a residential life hall director in grad school, so I have some experience mediating roommate contracts.</p>
<p>I want to say that I completely understand your concern. I don’t think your son is being close-minded and I don’t think you’re being overbearing, not simply from this post anyway. People have values that they want to hold onto, and there’s nothing wrong with that. And most parents are concerned that their children are going to be happy in college but also hold onto the values they held before, if they want.</p>
<p>As far as I understand it, your son would prefer to go to a Catholic or Christian college where the dorms are single-sex and the rules state that there are no overnight guests of the opposite sex and certain restrictions around hours that they can come by. But he’s also open to the idea of going to a school where the residence halls are more open. He’s willing to compromise, it seems, but would <em>prefer</em> to have a men-only space in his room and you and he want to know how much he can “push” his roommates to making that agreement.</p>
<p>Speaking from experience: not much. It really depends on the roommate.</p>
<p>Most colleges have a nominal rule in their guide to living/residential life handbook that says if both roommates don’t agree to guests in the space, then the roommates are not allowed to have guests there. I will tell you honestly that this rule is in practice difficult to enforce and different universities vary in how much they are willing to enforce it, depending on the circumstances. Obviously a kid whose girlfriend is basically living in the room, we deal with. But I have had students come to me with unreasonable requests - not unreasonable in and of themselves (as I see no problem with an outright ban on opposite sex guests in the room if everyone agrees) but unreasonable because the student believed that they had veto power on whoever came into the room and that’s NOT the way that rule works, nor was it devised to work that way. In those cases, I typically ended up telling the roommate that they needed to work it out amongst themselves, or I could try to help them change rooms. I’ve seen some people choose to escalate to to my boss, with the same outcome (“I would be happy to help you switch rooms.”)</p>
<p>As for roommate contracts - many schools don’t do them as a matter of course. The schools I worked for did not. They were an option that we could use during roommate mediations. They also were not binding contracts. They were, again, a tool that we could use. So if roommates are having problems, during a mediation we could have them agree to a roommate contract - which would have input from both sides and compromise on certain things. If the roommates had a subsequent conflict, we could use the contract again during a second mediation/discussion to point to people not honoring the contract. But we couldn’t kick people out of their rooms on the basis of roommate contracts. If one roommate repeatedly refused to honor the terms of the contract - but was not violating any university rules - then what we could offer to the offended student was a room change, if we had available rules.</p>
<p>So basically, this is something that he needs to find an amenable roommate for. You may be surprised, though.</p>
<p>May I also recommend my graduate institution for your son? Columbia is of course, a great university; we have a linguistics major and a pretty thriving Christian scene on campus (they have weekly services in our chapel; I hear the music on my way out), tons of Catholic churches in the city…and first-year students almost always get singles if they want one. There is Carman, but most students who are in there wanted to be there. Most juniors and seniors get a single, too. Sophomore year is the only year he will probably have a double, but by then he could meet a like-minded young man.</p>
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<p>Inparent:</p>
<p>“You are now suggesting that your son should be able to force his values on his roommate when your son is not even present.” </p>
<p>I know it’s hard to believe that not all Christians are rigid and narrow and determined to impose their beliefs on people.</p>
<p>“Life and relationships with others (including roommates) are not simple. Period. They require communication and compromise.”</p>
<p>Perhaps you haven’t read the entire thread but I have said ABOUT THIRTY TIMES that this is a PREFERENCE of my son’s and not necessarily something he will refuse to compromise on.</p>
<p>Juillet:</p>
<p>What a great answer, thanks much. I would love to have him go to Columbia but I doubt whether his resume would get him in. </p>
<p>I appreciate you taking the time to give me the benefit of your experience. It’s posts like that which have given me a much clearer idea how things are going to work.</p>
<p>Another “Columbia” may be an option . Unless things have changed recently, I think University of South Carolina has an all male dorm housing option. It has a nice honors college and your son may qualify for some scholarships.</p>
<p>I’ve followed this thread as it’s gone around and around in circles, and I think it might be worthwhile to come back to OP’s original questions:
By definition, a contract is a voluntary agreement between two or more people. Unless all parties concur, there is no contract. On the one hand, no one roommate can “insist” upon anything; on the other, a roommate contract can have any provision at all in it (if legal and within college rules), provided the roommates agree. So the answers to the questions are “no” with respect to insisting and “yes” with respect to compromising. OP’s son can use his best efforts to find a roommate with similar values and then use his best powers of persuasion to negotiate terms he desires. But he may not get the contract terms he wants. There’s really nothing else to say. Perhaps OP’s better question would have been whether her son could successfully negotiate a roommate contract that prohibits women from his room, and the answer to that would be “possible, but unlikely.”</p>
<p>MommaJ:</p>
<p>That sums it up nicely. Thanks.</p>
<p>OP, what schools are on your son’s list as of now?</p>
<p>Boysx3:</p>
<p>Because he’s a National Merit Semifinalist, soon to be (presumably) a Finalist, he can get a full ride at either Mississippi or Kentucky, both of which offer separate men’s and women’s dorms and a linguistics major. So it will most likely be one of them, although he will also apply to a few others just for the heck of it.</p>
<p>Sounds like he has great options in many dimensions … congrats!</p>
<p>Do the men’s dorms at those schools have any particular policies on visitation? </p>
<p>An all male dorm that allows women in the rooms may not solve your son’s situation, although maybe he will be more likely to find a roomie with preferences similar to his. </p>
<p>Back in the day (way back in the day!), there was a single women’s dorm at Illinois-- the first and second floors still permitted unlimited “visitation” whereas the third and fourth floors had no visitation allowed whatsoever. Do either of those schools have similar arrangements?</p>
<p>And congrats on your son’s great scores!</p>
<p>3togo:</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>
<p>Boysx3:</p>
<p>You’re right, there may be some risk of things not working out the way he wants. But Ole Miss apparently has a program where you can try to choose your own roommates, and UKY allows freshmen to have a single dorm room, so he may be able to work out a solution. </p>
<p>I have not heard of the type of visitation arrangements you mentioned at UM or UK. Baylor does have something like that – not a complete prohibition but basically visitation only during daylight hours in one of the dorms or floors – and it’s on his list as well.</p>