We all are going to be celebrating the holidays shortly. If your D19 or S19 doesn’t have their next step planned out yet or they are waiting on scores or a decision from a college and they are stressing out over it you should try to quell the questions from relatives before they come up.
It is stressful time for some of our kids and being asked about it over and over can add to the stress. The questions seem innocent enough, but they aren’t helping.
Even just helping your child be prepared for the questions can help. The old standard answer is that it is still early in the process and I am looking at options.
The answer my kid seems to have landed on is “I don’t want to say anything about any particular college I am applying to because I don’t want to jinx myself”. So far it has worked.
Not in the same situation but when I knew some of our friends would ask “where are you applying to” and "where do you want to go to "? I just asked them not to ask the question. They all understood since they have all been there or in the same situation. It does put unneeded stress on the kids.
I happened to be talking to my SIL this past weekend and asked if it was okay to ask nephew about colleges on Thanksgiving. She said he already got in to several rolling admission colleges, his first choice among them. That’s a good place to be. Still glad I cleared it ahead of time, though.
And our answer to “what’s his/her first choice?” was “one of the schools he/she gets into!” I’m not sure even close family knew what schools were on the application list.
Sometimes though you may find out what your child is really thinking by listening to what they tell relatives. They may be really tired of talking about college with parents and may open up to another relative.
^^^ I’d just use “I” instead of “we” and “my” instead of “our” in the sentence above so the student sounds like he/she shows ownership over the process. (understanding that final decisions typically involve parental input)
A couple years ago, DS17 was still writing his UC essays over Thanksgiving and spent almost all his winter break writing essays. Hard to hide how stressful that all was from the relatives, but he wasn’t out and about running into non-relative friends much.
In California the safe answer when you don’t want to say much is that one is applying to “a bunch of UCs and a few privates.”
Interesting. I guess it depends on the kid, so each kid should set his/her own parameters in answering relatives.
Some kids may view the college application stage as an exciting adventure and a big event in their lives that they like to talk about with the people who care about them. Sometimes, as you hear yourself explain your thinking, you even gain clarity on your preferences and priorities.
When you (or your spouse) are pregnant, people ask about the baby. When you’re engaged, people ask about wedding plans. When you get a new job, people ask about that. Why wouldn’t they ask about this big life event, too? There is no malice in the question, just genuine interest in the applicant as a person.
If you are working out your choices of where to apply, you can talk them out. If you know them, you can share them. Evasive answers are more awkward all around, so if you choose to give one, maybe it is best to be honest about why. E.g., “I hope you don’t mind my not talking about it right now, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the process and want to just think about other things today and escape from it all for the day! Hopefully, at (Easter/Passover/other future event), I’ll be able to let everyone know where I’m going!”
Rejections? They happen, especially at competitive colleges. They do not reflect negatively on the applicant, and (hopefully) your relatives are on your side and cheering for you anyway, no matter what happens.
My issue is that there is the perennial question of “top choice.” I don’t think any student applying to selective schools should have a top choice, or even if they do, should not tell others of it. Because then everyone will feel “sorry” for him or her if they don’t get into their “favorite.” MHO.
When my pups were asked especially at Thanksgiving, they’d approach it differently. DS was happy to talk about all the schools he visited and where he was applying.
DD told us she thought it really wasn’t anyone else’s business yet, and she was worried about it. After talking with her I remember telling her that they weren’t being nosy, and even if you don’t think they really care, it is just small talk to them and it is really important to you, you don’t have to tell them anything at all. Don’t be rude or dismissive, approach them as though you were an actress practicing being condescending to someone unimportant like Uncle Leo. I told her “you’re a lot smarter than they are, so just assume they are being more kind than nosey”. She wanted to say NOYB, but she came up with “That’s kind of you to ask, I’m applying to a whole long list of the usual suspects - but nobody gets into most of these - and I am so tired from the application process that I am just glad I have my applications almost done - so thanks for your best wishes” - and glance out the window and add “oh look, a squirrel…” (the dog lovers among us who loved the movie “Up” appreciated this) It got pretty funny as she was clearly just amusing herself looking through the curtains, as a couple of in-laws (not just Uncle Leo) didn’t get the hint that she wasn’t interested in sharing her list of her own internal rankings.
Start with how you feel about it. “It’s been really fun/helpful/confusing to visit schools and think about what might be a good fit for me. I m looking at schools that offer xyz such as … It’s been really stressful getting apps out and with schools being so selective, I am trying not to get my heart set on any particular one.”
Most relatives will keep this about you rather than pry for more. You’ll have set this up to be gracious. No guarantees though!
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