so… part of the reason I am on CC is that I try not to bring college search up with people I know. But, family and friends ask S18 “where do you want to go?” So hard because he may have a top choice but no idea if he will get in. It’s even more awkward with parents of other students in his class. It is all on our minds but one kid’s target school may be another kid’s safety. How do you answer people like this without being rude? I know many of them mean well - others maybe others not so much.
“I haven’t decided yet” is a nice, polite answer. “I’m working on it” is another. Silence to further questions should end the query. If not, the rudeness factor is with the questioner, not your son. Sounds like a good idea at this time, ie fall, to keep the search private. When spring decisions come (his and schools’) he can state any options if he wishes, or keep quiet until the final decision is a done deal.
When I am asked I usually answer something like, “Not sure yet, but he knows he wants a big school with a lot of spirit” or “She really wants to be in an urban location” or “She’s looking at schools that are strong in the sciences” or whatever it is that caused my kid to come up with his list in the first place. Usually the person will then start suggesting places, and possibly name kids we know who have gone there, which leads the conversation away from my kid specifically and into the realm of colleges in general.
I agree that keeping things vague is just fine…“he is looking at a lot of great schools and we can’t wait to see how things play out” was a favorite of mine.
I joked that some parents in my town should have made up t-shirts with their kids GPA, SAT, and top choice college printed on them because that is all they could talk about. I chose to stay quieter.
Our kids had a uniform response.
“When I decide on where I’m attending college, I will let you all know.”
And they changed the subject or walked away.
We did the same. We clearly said “thanks for asking, we will let you know after May 1 what the choice is.”
And then we smiled…and nodded.
We did not discuss college choices, applications or anything else related in person with family or friends.
Other parents really just want to talk about their own kid’s search. Say something vague and positive, then ask about their little dumpling’s search. Relatives are harder. My well-meaning but ill-informed parents made us crazy. We finally said we weren’t going to talk about it any more, and would let them know what she decided in May.
Our school counseled against these conversations although I admit, I found value in the vague ones. (Especially with parents who had been through this before. I had not found CC yet, so they had good counsel for me, particularly around how things worked at our school.) I usually said something like "it feels like he’s considering every small liberal arts school between Indiana and Maine. We are amazed at how many great schools are out there! "
And then we’d ask how it was going for them, which almost always took the focus of the conversation there.
I would be a bit more specific…"Looking at schools with under 5000 students no more than 200 miles away.’
I tried my best not to divulge anything to anyone, so I used the vagueness strategy: “Definitely in the eastern time zone.”
Thanks for the advice. I like the idea of giving a general answer about the type of school, especially with other parents.
we were given the advice to never answer the question “What’s your top choice?” because if you end up not getting accepted (a pretty good possibility) everyone will feel sorry for you, which is unnecessary. So we would answer that question with “one of the colleges he gets into!”
I have friends who freely mention the far-reach schools that their kids are interested in or post pictures on Facebook from every college visit. Their kids are perfectly well qualified for top-ranked schools, but like most applicants - including my own children - they probably won’t get in. And they may embarrass themselves and make their children feel like failures if they only talk about Ivies or the like and the kids end up at “lesser” schools. Most people who engage me in casual conversation about colleges don’t seem to get that not every smart kid gets into Harvard (an example…my kids aren’t applying there 
). So I don’t want to reveal much about where my children are applying…and yet, I would really like to compare notes and learn from other people’s experiences. Good thing there’s CC.
Remember when people used to ask you what you were going to name your baby?
Use the same techniques of evasion.
Nobody needs to know until the day you send in the deposit to the school your child will actually attend.
You could say, “Oh, isn’t it a lot of work? Do you know about College Confidential? It is like crack for parents of college bound kids!” 
Trouble is that many relatives and close friends will be offended by an obvious vague brush off.
“I’m applying widely but focusing on (some in state public)” works well.
You all must know different people than I do. Vague answers get met with more questions. “What school do you want to go to? What schools have you applied to? Which school was your reach school?” Blah, Blah, Blah…although my son, who is a senior right now, has no problem saying, “community college.” It DOES stop the conversation.
My kid says to answer, “Hogwarts for a post-graduate year.”
It’s hard to criticize someone for respecting the wishes of other family members, especially if those other family members aren’t in the room.
You can take advantage of this as long as both parent and child are willing.
“I’m sorry, but my son/daughter doesn’t want me to talk about the specifics of where he/she is applying.”
“I’m sorry, but my mother/father has asked me not to tell people exactly where I’m applying.”
I actually enjoyed the conversations surrounding where my D and her friends were looking and applying and the whole process in general and I learned a lot from my parent peers (and I hope they did from me as well). In her circle, there were friends who were applying to top tier schools, schools close and far away, ones that were B students, ones that were looking at state schools and the option of staying home and attending community colleges and then ones like us, chasing merit and keeping all options open. There were very few incidents of feelings of competitiveness amongst the parents or students, instead we used each other as sounding boards for both practical information and to share our stressors.
The only problem I had was with D’s bio Dad, stepmother and his “side”. They were all hell-bent on her attending a highly regarded school (she was admitted) that just wasn’t a good social fit or within budget. Apparently, some think there’s a money tree in my backyard lol. Honestly, I think it was more about the prestige, actually I know it was, and I wasn’t biting, not for an additional $23K/year over her actual pick, meaning both student and parent loans.
I go for honesty. First I offer a more vague answer, “We visited a bunch of colleges in the northeastern United States. With the exception of a few larger schools he likes, he mostly likes small liberal arts colleges.” If they ask for examples, then I give a few. If they ask for a favorite, I name a couple, adding, “But those are hard to get into, so it is lucky that he has schools he loves at a variety of selectivity levels.”
Honestly, I am more comfortable being open with friends, family, and my work colleagues than on College Confidential. You never know if an admissions officer or alumni interviewer from a college that may be your child’s fifth favorite where (s)he would be delighted to go if that is how it works out, is scanning College Confidential for some reason and is able to recognize who your child is from your comments. I would never want to jeopardize my son’s admissions chances by making it sound like any given college is not his number one choice. That is why I do not list his complete list on these posts.
Friends, family, colleagues? They care about him personally. There is no harm in their knowing. They are not going to be mean about his not getting in somewhere. And even his safer choices are excellent schools that are many people’s reach schools… but that Naviance and the common data sets indicate are very likely for him.
I am careful about using the word safety, because I do recognize that some people may have gone there themselves, their children may go there, or it may be their child’s reach school. And if my son overhears a phone call, I don’t want him to think I see those choices are lesser, as he may indeed go there and I want him to be proud of wherever he goes. If someone asks, “What’s his safety?,” I answer honestly, “He is not applying to any school he would not be thrilled to go to. We believe that he stands a really good chance of getting into {College Y} and {College Z}. Those are great schools, and he would be happy at either.”