<p>In discussing the choices our son had through his pre college years (all of them) we frequently talked about having options, in age appropriate ways, of course. This included thinking about how to spend his allowance as a youngster, whether to take that zero hour in high school, etc.</p>
<p>I didn’t encourage him to pursue academic rigor to get into such and such a college. Instead, we talked intrinsic value (where it existed) about having more options because of it. When he was 14 and choosing his HS classes, he sure didn’t know what he might want to pursue in college or where he might want to go (I think he still thought major league soccer might be an option :)). But we did talk about maintaining options.</p>
<p>The options he has had and his habit of longer-term thinking have both served him well so far.</p>
<p>Well, MacArthur attended West Point more than a hundred years ago, so the arrangement dorms inside the campus and hotels or apartments outside but near the campus may not have been the same as it is today. Also, some versions of the story include the detail that she kept an eye on his dorm room window by use of a telescope, which could have allowed her to be a considerable distance away.</p>
<p>Im also in the camp with kids who did not have unlimited financial means, but had parents who devoted their lives to helping them achieve and be happy.</p>
<p>My husband chose to work at a private school when the kids were 8 and 9 to secure free tuition in order that they receive the very best education possible.</p>
<p>I home-schooled during those early elementary school years when the teacher was a disaster. Not every year, just when I realized that one of them was going to sit there all day blank-faced from not being challenged.</p>
<p>We supported their interests even when they veered into the unconventional - my daughter wanted to be a circus performer until she was about 9. This contributed to them both finding their niche early on in very esoteric areas - my daughter’s is biomedical photography and until recently my son’s was linguistic anthropology (he continues to evolve).</p>
<p>I know everyone can’t do this obviously, but my husband and I were both home full-time until they were 7. </p>
<p>We had a household with little to no drama. The kids have never had a cause to act out.</p>
<p>We have never emphasized money as an end goal. Only finding what makes them happy - from schools to friends and now romantic interests.</p>
<p>We have never used our approval as a manipulating tool. I mention this because this is how I was raised. All this accomplished was making me an expert at figuring out what my mother wanted. This was a spectacular failure, lol.</p>
<p>The one thing I feel I didn’t teach them was how happy giving to complete strangers can make you. If we had it to do over we would have made community service a family activity.</p>
<p>Also, what was truly necessary was the raw material we were given when they were born. All we did was help them grow deeper and deeper into that person.</p>
<p>Not giving in to peer pressure against one’s value is hard, especially for a child. Inoculate them against possible peer situations by analysing with them what may happen if they hold on to the value you teach them, and show them ways to handle different situations. </p>
<p>It is fun to work out possible solutions with them! This preemptive approach will give them confidence when a situation occurs. Their trust in you will rise too - “…it happened just as he said…dad is right!..”</p>
<p>It occurs to me as I’m reading all of these posts that what we think we did right may not be what our kids think we did right - only time will tell, I suppose.</p>
<p>re: 206
We had the good fortune to receive an email from our son in the middle of his junior year at college thanking us for the way he was raised. </p>
<p>He had had time to see and hear about other students’ strained and sometimes very unhealthy relationships with their parents. He had had time to think about the opportunities he now has (intellectual, travel, work, etc.) and the diversity he is experiencing; he believes that had we all taken the easier way out by going with the flow in our sometimes-smug little town he would not have had those opportunities. </p>
<p>And, bless his heart, he took the time to share that with us in some detail.</p>
<p>Only time will tell what he makes of his life, but I am grateful for our “kid on the couch” and either his forgetfulness or forgiveness for all the mistakes we made along the way.</p>
<p>Re#201 – Thayer was built in 1926. MacAthur attended West Point from 1898-1903.
His Dad was military…so…maybe that got mom a place somewhere on the post (Or…at the Point.)
But I digress…(Sorry!)</p>
<p>elizabethh: Oh, my list was things my children and I have talked about. With my son, we made an agreement when he was 14 to work together as a team for his college goals, and that’s what we did. We’ve often had times when we’ve reflected on the choices we made as a team, and how that affected the outcome. </p>
<p>Especially wrt changing custody, there was another child in the household when I moved them – the daughter of my ex’s girlfriend – and her life has unfolded differently from that of my children. She bounced between home schooling, public and private high schools. She has dabbled in some classes, but has still not gone to college. I think – but I’m not sure – that she has a trust fund that she’ll get access to in a few years, and she’s in a holding mode waiting for that.</p>
<p>Yeah, it was never about “getting into a top college” at our house. It was about challenging yourself and making the most of your abilities and the opportunities were available – good public schools, living in an area with lots of free resources, finding online and IRL folks who had suggestions about activities and programs that kids could pursue at little/no cost, a tent and outdoor cooking gear for family vacations, parents willing to schlep kids to make things happen (and a boss who has four kids and was flexible about that kind of stuff)…</p>
<p>thumper, I don’t think money can make things work, but not having money sure can screw things up. I grew up in a household where there was always tension about money, worries about money, and irresponsible behavior about money. We moved from house to house with alarming frequency because we ran out of money. I never could have gone to any college except a state university because we had no money. My parents divorced, ultimately for many reasons, including of course money.</p>
<p>My kids have grown up, not with a lot of money, but enough to give them security. They have lived in the same house since they were born. They have parents who are still married and love each other, and love them too. </p>
<p>I think that’s what we did right - we gave them a stable, safe place to live, a sense of belonging to a community, and the encouragement to follow their passions.</p>
<p>As Dorothy said, “There’s no place like home!”</p>
<p>Beginning to think that the one thing I did right was be convinced throughout that I was doing everything wrong. Maybe the worst pitfall of parenting is believing you’ve got it figured out.</p>
<p>As a student, i must say that corporal punishment made the difference. While the modern politically correct society forbids “beating” children, a good belting a few times a year can make the difference between suburban white trash and meritocratic new money elites.</p>
<p>Without the beatings i received, I would be hanging out with the white trash spoil kids who live in my neighborhood.</p>
<p>So Jason, how do you explain the parental beatings so many prison inmates experienced in childhood? And I don’t mean all the Ivy-educated white collar “elite” thieves, either.</p>
<p>My son early on had a speech impediment resulting in his taking a few tests. The results indicated he was very intelligent which was a surprise to my wife and I. We encouraged him to play sports, take up an instrument, and try advanced classes. Other parents spent fortunes on sports camps and travel teams. Most of his friends gave up music because it wasn’t cool and their parents wanted them to. I would say we managed our son’s life less than other parents did. We let him make some decisions for himself regardless of the outcome. We didn’t micromanage his life the way some parents did.</p>
<p>He shined in high school earning honors in academics, sports, and music. He had a part-time job and a steady girlfriend. At times I treated him as if he were still 12-years old. I realized I had to take a step back and give him some space. That was hard for me as I had coached him for several years.</p>
<p>He narrowed his choice of colleges down to two. If he took the first school’s offer he would graduate owing nothing, but the school didn’t compare to the second school. He selected the second school knowing he will have loans to pay and we will also have to take loans out. I held my breath for a week because I hoped he would pick this more expensive school. This school seemed a perfect fit for him and I was relieved when he said the same thing.</p>
<p>I think our D started reaching for success at an early age. There was a light hearted approach to her education at the pre school through elementary school years. She always acheived high marks, however I can’t say we pushed her. I think she just liked the big “A” on her paper. In middle school a wonderful thing happened. She became part of a clique of girls who all wanted to be top of the class and my D made sure she was going to be #1. She just paid attention to her teachers and kept a good attitude. She learned early on that if she delivered what she was asked to do she would be successful. A great example was when she was taught how to write an essay for test questions. Not only did she adopt that formula then, but right through HS. The method has never failed her. She did go through the IB program which definitely made her a very good writer and helped her develop a more sophisticated appraoch to writing. But, to this day the great reward is being popular, a captain of a sport, chairperson of a major fund raiser and genuinely liked by teachers and administrators. That drives her.She also loves being the only caucasion suburban girl with a varsity jacket among 100+ selective students in a pre medical program surrounded by the typical Indian/Asian mix (don’t get started on the racial thing, she literally was the only lilly white girl). But man she loves breaking the mold. Think Elle Woods! That’s my girl. Top 5% in her class of 300 with kick a** scores. Yes, she is EA at two top schools and up for 2 Presidential Scholarships at high ranking schools. She’s waiting on a couple of others that compete for top 10 in the country.</p>
<p>I think I contributed by living the work hard play hard mentality. In providing the basics of the ED classes (tumbling, acting, etc) and running her errands while she studied for a big exam. We bought her the most up to date pc’s, blackberry, etc. and provided pocket money. I would never have her work during the school year. She did that all summer. She spent as much time working on a lab project as she did in Bloomingdales. What is she doing this week? Organizing a fund raiser with 5 of the athletic programs for raising money for Haiti.</p>
<p>In two weeks she will be at UCA Nationals competing with the best cheer teams in the country.</p>
<p>this is a prime example of the politically correct wimpy ******** spewed by many “parents” and “educators” in this country nowadays - exactly what Jason was talking about. at the very least this exhibits a lack of due intelligence and critical reasoning skills. so all the prison immates ate McDonald’s food when they were young - should we all avoid that then? and i was beaten by my parents many times when i was young, and yes i’m asian. now i’m at one of the best colleges in the world. how do YOU explain ME?</p>