<p>When I stroll through the CC Parents forums I see alot of parents who know a lot about the different college programs and the future market and mention how well their child is doing-- with a lot of their kids sounding pretty confident in their career selections.</p>
<p>As a first generation immigrant whose parents have no real knowledge of any industries/markets, I wonder if I am at a serious disadvantage. I'm guessing those with informed parents can have more guidance and parental connections, but just out of curiosity how much of your child(ren)'s success do you attribute through your influence?</p>
<p>I was a first generation immigrant. I attributed many of my success in life to my father. I got my personal values through my parents. They didn’t help me with the college process and certainly couldn’t help me with my career, but over the years it is my work ethic (some luck) which has moved me ahead.</p>
<p>With my own kids, hopefully we are passing on some of our core values. They are graduating with no debt, and they have a lot more connections that they could tap into, which I didn’t have. My older daughter had some good internships within her career interest through our friends. She landed her first job by herself, but her previous internships and her educational background did help her launch. </p>
<p>D1 is under a lot of pressure to perform at her job now, working 14-16 hours a day. Her inudstry is going through a lot of changes, and a lot of people are going to get weeded out. I hope this is when our core values are going to kick in - not to quit when it gets tough, not to feel entitled, and to succeed in life it takes hard work. </p>
<p>I am able to give more support to D1 than my parents could for me. I coach her on how to navigate the company politics, how to make sure she’ll get paid, and to give her pep talks when she needs it. But at the end of the day, it is she who is making her own decision on what she wants to do, no amount of pushing or coaching is going to help if it’s not what she wants.</p>
<p>My H and I do not take all the credit for our kids’ success or failures. We hope we have provided an environment for our kids while growing up to help them succeed in life, but it is really up to them what they want to do with their lives.</p>
<p>I am also first generation, and had the same experience as oldfort.</p>
<p>I did for my child what my parents did for me: set high standards for her, set expectations that we believed she had the ability to meet, gave her opportunities and expecting her to take full advantage of those opportunities, instilled a love of learning and reading, supported her in every way possible. (Please note that this does not mean we believed that she could do no wrong. She knew when she blew it.) We also gave her a sense of discipline and a work ethic.</p>
<p>Yes, I did research for her on colleges, etc., but she would have flourished without that research. She could have picked a school at random and done well. So I take no credit for that.</p>
<p>Unlike oldfort, though, I know nothing about the industry in which she chooses to work - I wish I did and had contacts that could help! But she knows that we always have her back. If that gives her courage to navigate the world, I’m fine with that.</p>
<p>I grew up in a single-parent minority family where resources, and sometimes food, was scarce. My mother worked two jobs to pay for expenses so there usually wasn’t an adult around. So no college guidance but it gave me a lot of time for me to explore on my own - but it would have been helpful to have guidance.</p>
<p>My son is self-motivated, hard-working and frugal. The character traits can help you considerably even if the college process is rocky. Having a parent that knows the ropes can result in a better choice for college, not missing deadlines, identification of better merit aid or grants, dealing with the logistics of getting there and back and dealing with more mundane things like linens, food, spending cash, finding a local bank, locating medical services, how to deal with a messy roommate, etc.</p>
<p>Parents can help but the drive, organization, determination and character can provide for success despite less parental expertise. Many parents and students come here to get that expertise from other parents - that’s the nice thing about the internet - knowledge that used to be locked in individual minds is freely available - you just have to look, ask and find.</p>
<p>Good genes
Love
Happily married parents
Economic stability
Solidly supportive, loving, but firm parenting
Well educated parents and extended family members
A home in a safe, economically stable neighborhood with excellent public schools
Enough money and time to allow kids to participate in activities and sports outside school
Not enough money to allow kids to expect their every whim would be catered to
Emotional intelligence
College tuition room and board paid for without loans
Guidance to be sure our kids were taking appropriate high school classes and doing well in them</p>
<p>We provided some road trips to visit colleges (no trips via planes) and secretarial help when they were working on college applications (as in, “Don’t forget, XYZ application is due in two weeks.”) </p>
<p>The process of college admissions has changed so much in the 30+ years since we parents were applying that we had as much to learn as our kids did when they started thinking about college. Our high school did a good job of providing several big parent/kid information sessions about it, but there was a big learning curve for us.</p>
<p>There are a lot of things you can give your child to help them succeed but it still comes down to the motivation of that child and their desire to do well. Our oldest did not take the path we envisioned for him and he is going to have a harder time making a go of things, however, he likes what he is doing and is doing well enough for his needs so I guess we can’t ask for more than that. He never really liked school and is much happier now that he is done and in the workforce. As parents though, it’s hard to see such a bright kid not go further in his education to enhance his opportunities. </p>
<p>Same thing with DD’s sport. She is a natural, she doesn’t have the internal motivation for her sport to perform at the top level but her talent in the sport would allow her to reach that if she wanted. She is still being recruited to play and she wants to play in college, just not have it BE college for her. Again, it’s hard to see that talent go by the wayside, but, it’s not what SHE wants and we have to keep telling ourselves that.</p>
<p>I grew up in a small town in the midwest. Forty years ago, when my siblings and I were in HS we KNEW that we would go to college and graduate because my parents had been telling us that all of our lives. They expected it of us and we all did. We were all good students, but looking at many of my classmates I can say that my parents expectations made a huge difference for us.</p>
<p>With my own kids, H and I have done the same. We have always made education a priority and have let our kids know it. With our oldest, there was not much encouragement/help at her school (at least not for her), so I made it my business to learn what was needed and to help her. But honestly the real hard work involved was on her part.</p>
<p>FallGirl–DD’s best friend lives down the street from us, goes to the same school as DD, takes most of the same classes, is in several of the same activities, etc., however, her parents are really not involved in her college process at all. In middle school and up to freshman year, she just figured she would go to community college and get an AA and while there isn’t anything wrong with that, she just didn’t know what was out there to explore anything else. We have just included her in much of our planning, taken her on some campus visits, helped her with course selection for high school, etc. She spends most afternoons over her doing homework, etc. She now wants to go to a 4 year school and is thinking about a career in medicine. I think all kids need someone in their life to show them the possibilities, but again, if the child doesn’t step up to the plate after that, you can only do so much.</p>
<p>When we were growing up, not going to college just was not an option, however, our parents did nothing to help with the selection process. I wish they had been more involved but they were not. I liked the school I attended, however, hindsight, I probably should have done some tours, etc. I just didn’t know that tours were an option because no one told me. I don’t think they were as common then though.</p>
<p>The saying: You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink comes to me with this topic.</p>
<p>I also subscribe to the 50/50 theory of nature versus nurture. People are 50% of who they are inside and 50% of what they get exposed to. </p>
<p>I think parents can offer tremendous guidance, education, opportunities etc but all of this has to resonate with the child. In one kid, seeing parents that are very driven could impress them to also be driven or push them the other way to not want to be like their parents at all.</p>
<p>My son is definitely a mix of my DH and I but he also has a couple of qualities that are not either of us so it must be just who he is inside.</p>
<p>I live in a town where 92% of hs graduates go to 4 year colleges. I work in a town where the graduation rate is less than 50% and less than 20% go on to any post HS grad options and most are certifications or cc.<br>
Having been born into our family gave my kids all the advantages.</p>
<p>I agree with this 100%. Our kids graduated in majors that <em>I</em> would not have been able to study. DD does have a degree in her father’s field of work. DS has bachelors/masters in areas that neither of us were experts in. Their successes will be based on their own hard work. We hope we have given them the core values they will need to be successful, kind and compassionate adults. So far we think we have succeeded.</p>
<p>I know this girl whose parents are immigrants, divorced and illiterate (not only in English but in their own native language). She is going to college in Georgia on a full tuition, merit scholarship. She’s been awarded scholarships to study abroad, invited to some pretty prestigious professional conferences. I am not sure how she figures all these things out on her own. I am mightily impressed by her. Point is, you can make it on your own. Many do.</p>
<p>jvtDad–does she though? Does she have a great high school counselor or maybe a teacher that has been helping her in the process. For ANY child often all it takes to “make it” are 2 simple words…“help me”.</p>
<p>My oldest will graduate next year from our suburban HS, in a class where the majority will go on to higher education (I don’t know the percentages, and it really doesn’t matter - she will likely go to a private 4-year college because of what we as parents have “given” her). Middle D will likely do the same, though more likely to end up in a State University.</p>
<p>Youngest attends an elementary in a nearby city, where the dropout rate is similar to what flyaround sees where she works. Many students in the city will not go on to college, though a major effort has been made to allow that to happen. I suspect the percentage of students from her magnet school who go on to college (or become successful in other ways) will be higher than the city in general, because of what their parents have given them. Many of those parents are immigrants, are not college educated themselves, and quite a few are still learning English. This school is dual-language, teaching in both English and Spanish (initially 70% of the students came from primarily Spanish=speaking homes, but now that has reversed). Their parents can’t always help with homework, and may have limited involvement, but they have made it clear they will do what is necessary for their kids. I suspect they may end up more successful than many of the kids graduating from our suburban HS, because the values imparted by their parents are more valuable than many realize. </p>
<p>Think of the bright kids here who have high stats and 4.0 GPA, who don’t end up doing that well in college, because everything was always easy for them, and they never learned “how to learn.” Compare them to the kids with solid 3.0 and ok stats, who flourish in college because they have always worked hard, and already know how to learn.</p>
<p>SteveMA, are you thinking about a bit of a speech by some famous politician not too long ago? J/k. Your point is well taken and could be true. The ability to seek help/guidance/mentoring is a talent worth developing.</p>
<p>CTScoutmom–great point about kids where school is easy for them. Our DS is like that and while he is good about getting his homework done and doesn’t procrastinate (except for writing his college essays :D), he doesn’t really ever “study” for anything. Eventually he will end up in a class that he can’t just cruise through and I don’t know what will happen. Our DD, while still a good student, has to study for tests, etc. Their GPA’s are almost identical, but DD spends time making flash cards, reviewing notes, etc. I don’t think DS has ever taken notes in class. She will probably have an easier go at college, at least to start, than DS, but maybe not…</p>
<p>jvtDad–:D-no, I don’t think so–especially since I’m not sure what you are talking about. I’m just going off years of experience being around high school kids. Yes, the ability to ask for help when needed is a wonderful skill to have.</p>
<p>My mom is an immigrant but my dad is not. Neither went to college. Both barely finished high school (more interested in partying than academics). </p>
<p>Neither have ever really pushed me. All of my motivation is internal. Possibly from wanting to do better for my kids than my parents did for me materialistically. (In hindsight, I realize that my parents did everything they could for me and I want to raise my children the same way- valuing friends, family, and love over materialistic things) However, they always provided their unwavering support, love, and understanding. </p>
<p>They also never hid anything from me. Unlike many kids, I was never protected. I was always exposed to the outside world and its not-so-pleasant parts. But I was also raised to be extremely street smart which is what a lot of my friends lacked when we moved to a more middle class area. </p>
<p>So while they never pushed me, they were the motivation for me to do whatever I wanted. It was actually kind of nice. I never had an expectations so I was able to completely carve out my own path. I also inherited their genes which include a lot of “don’t give a f*” genes and “I’ll do what I want- just try to stop me” genes. As a result, I am extremely independent and headstrong. I don’t take to “no” very well. </p>
<p>I don’t think you’re at a disadvantage. It’s not up to your parents to push you to do something or to forge connections, it’s YOU.</p>
<p>There are all kinds of advantages and all kinds of disadvantages.</p>
<p>I grew up in a privileged family, all advantages, went to Princeton. My family literacy and the resources dedicated to my experience and my education were critical to that outcome. But when I graduated, since nobody in my family had ever needed to look for work in the business world, I had zero support or expertise to rely on.</p>
<p>So, oddly, as a business person now, it is dawning on me that I made my own way.</p>
<p>Privilege giveth and privilege taketh away.</p>
<p>In terms of education, however, yes, you need to locate people who understand the ins and outs of college admissions and college preparation. Luckily, CC exists for those who seek it out. Make friends here. Ask the grownups. We love to help.</p>
J/k. Your point is well taken and could be true. The ability to seek help/guidance/mentoring is a talent worth developing.</p>