Since your D is 19, the counselor WILL NOT speak to you without her consent. And you should keep in mind that the counselor probably WOULD tell her anything that you share with the counselor (yeah, we learned that the hard way…).
If you go for family counseling…would that perhaps be helpful in getting your kiddo to go?
I wouldn’t pitch it as counseling if your D is already against it. Can you find a support group of other teens dealing with loss? My local hospital has one but I know a couple of kids in town who have gone to a hospital 15 miles away “so I won’t see anyone I know”. I’ve heard these programs are terrific- peer led but with an adult moderator (therapist) to keep things from going off the rails.
Can her Gyn refer someone? Perhaps it will feel less “hogwash” and more medical if a doctor she already knows suggests a colleague. I got my therapist from my Gyn…they had collaborated together (not grief related, I think it was a post-menopausal research project) and it really helped to already have a vote of confidence on the therapists skills, ethics, training, etc. before I even made the first appointment.
My final suggestion- call it “self care”, not therapy or counseling??? Kids love self care it seems- smoothies and massages and facials and listening to sad music or watching cute puppies online. Change of terminology might help her get over the hump to make that first appointment.
At this point I will try anything!!! Thanks for all of the suggestions! And at this point I’m writing my self a prescription for a couple of glasses of wine!!
I’d suggest a counselor experienced in dealing with teens and with grief. The sort of therapists we adults can relate to often just aren’t the right match for her age group. We learned this the hard way. Also agree to call the best local hospice, for a recommendation. They deal with grief all the time. This isn’t some ordinary situation.
I dealt with my own loss 5 years ago and there is no linear path to healing. You can ping pong. And the holidays are particularly tough. (Add to that, all the breaks/holidays/traditions in fall can build up the pressure.) Plus, all the unknowns about next fall, which build in so many seniors.
Sometimes, it helps to look at the emotional need for support same as a medical need for a pro. I wonder if explaining you relied on the gyn when she had that need would help her see the help a counselor can similarly give. She may not want to label herself upset. Or different. Or she may not want to have to explain herself. A lot of her daily energy is probably going to holding herself together about so many things. Counseling can take off some of the pressure.
Sometimes, gently pointing out the stresses you observe in her (eg, college decisons) would help get her to agree. Treating it all as normal.
Best to you.
ALWAYS start by focusing on the emotion! “I love you. I trust you. I want you to do what’s in your best interest. Give yourself as much time as you need to figure this out. College will always be there.”
I agree that you should encourage her to delay whatever decisions she can as time will be healing.
Let her know that you have confidence in her to act in her own best interests and that you will support her however you can. Applaud her for keeping all options open at this time. Give her big hugs!
My daughter lost one of her best friends unexpectedly two months ago. We suggested counseling right away, and she resisted. We have continued to gently broach the subject and generally just say something like, “we love you and are here for you always, but we don’t have any experience in losing a close friend in our teens, so if you want to talk to someone who has experience dealing with something like this, we think that would be a good idea. No long commitment, we can try it out and see how it goes.”
After two months, she has told us she would like to talk to someone.
You might be able to to broach the topic through college decisions, ie, these are big decisions to make right now and it would be great to talk to someone who can help you sort out your feelings on where you will be happiest.
Often the high schools know someone who is experienced in counseling kids–wouldn’t hurt to call them for a name.