DD 19 just lost her dad unexpectedly Friday night

My bf and I was sitting on the couch watching master chef why i got a text from my son-in-law saying that my ex had been found dead in his bed by emergency services. He was morbidly obese so it was not like this was unexpected. We divorced because he refused to do anything about his depression and weight not because i hated him.

We called her and told her to come straight home but before we could get her home her brother had called her as well as the police. She arrived home sobbing.

We had to go and talk to police and the coroner, not what you want any 17 yr old child to go through.

i let her stay home today but our lovely school system treats death the same as a common cold. I can barely focus today my kid has to apply to college’s what can i do for my kid. I feel like crying i can’t imagine how she feels. How do I help her and not ruin her chances for her dream colleges (Truman State).

First off, I’m so sorry for your loss and that your daughter has to deal with this at such a young age.

Take a deep breath and don’t worry about the college stuff right now. Let your daughter take time to mourn. A few missed days of school is not the end of the world. Make sure your daughter’s guidance counselor is aware of the situation and that he/she gets in touch with all your daughter’s teachers.

Get through the funeral first. Help support her emotionally. There is plenty of time to apply to school.

Cyber hugs and prayers!

Talk to the school principal and social workers. We lost my mother in law and her mother 3 days apart a few years ago the first week of school. The school was actually great and we had to travel for the funeral let alone set it up and plan it. They took off the week and went back the following week. Have her teachers post homework online if they don’t already do this. Take to her teachers also. A quick email to them will put everyone on notice. Sorry for your loss.

I experienced such a loss at your daughter’s age.
At any age, it can be difficult to bear and still manage the routine business of daily life.
Nevertheless it can be a relief to keep busy as long as you take everything step-by-step and seek help whenever you need it. Your school policy may be to deliberately encourage kids to resume routines and normal social contact quickly. When I was in that situation, support from my teachers and friends meant a lot to me.

Try to get counseling if at all possible (for your D and yourself too). If she was preparing for Fall 2019 college admissions, there is plenty of time to prepare applications. So you can put that on the back burner for now. But try not to let homework assignments pile up. Talk to her teachers, explain the situation, and ask for extensions if necessary.

I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I also lost my dad before the start of my senior year of HS and it was difficult. I still miss him. I do think it is important to try to take things one step at a time.

Since school has already started, I would notify your D’s guidance counselor as well as all of her teachers of the loss of her father. Let them know she will be out for a number of days (possibly through the end of the week) as arrangements are made and ask for their help and support for your daughter. Be sure they know that while you were divorced, her dad was an important part of her life and this is an unexpected loss.

I would be sure her friend’s know of her dad’s loss and keep them informed of when the funeral and anything else will take place so they can be there for your D.

I think by next week your D should return to school – not just for academics but also to understand that life must continue to move forward. Hopefully she will be surrounded by supportive friends and faculty.

There is still plenty of time to apply to college. That can wait a bit. What you may have to do though after this initial mourning period is to reassess your financial position if her dad had planned to pay all or part of the college expenses. The financial aid forms typically use the prior years financial data so you will have to explore how to let them know of her dad’s death and adjust any aid for the new reality (not sure how to do this).

Last week I lost my 92 yo dad early Tuesday morning, and my S19 barely went to school that day and missed Wed-Fri. I emailed the GC and also all the teachers. They are being accommodating. I am also a bit frightened if he will be able to catch up, and college stuff has been put on temporary hold. In your case ,since it was her dad, she will probably need a bit more time. Its still Aug, get her some good counseling and the school should be accommodating. The GC can probably write something in her recommendation about this and how it may have impacted your D. Meanwhile. Breathe, and just get through the week.

I am so sorry for your loss.Your daughter needs time to grieve and adjust and it’s going to take time. If the school isn’t response, try talking to each teacher. Each of my children has had an illness in the past that has kept them out of school a week and I found each teacher’s response to be different. Some were sticklers for getting the missed work in in a limited amount of time, and others were way more forgiving. It helped set priorities for what needed to be worked on and when (vs all of it needing to be done at the same time).

As for Truman State - if it looks like you are going to have a problems with the application, it’s best to start with a call to an admissions officer. And there’s also the extra box on the Common App that will allow your D to explain what happened.

Great advice - your daughter’s mental health is more important than school at this point. Counseling is mandatory, no matter what she says.

After my kids’ cousin passed away, their schools were helpful, kind, and accommodating.

Hugs to your family.

Thank you all. Our school system gives you 10 misses total for the year. After that you have to have a doctor’s excuse for each on. Death is treated the same as a common cold. So if she misses all the week she only has 5 left for the entire year. They give no lea way. You can only miss 4 classes and exempt out of a semester exam.

I’m worried for her to miss to much as she in in AP and Honor’s classes. I had already emailed her teacher’s, her guidance counselor is a joke. i know college app’s will wait, i just want my kid sane.

A pediatrician or psychiatrist would write a note for your daughter, I’m sure. But I know it’s missing classes that’s the main concern for academics.

Remember, you want to think of your daughter’s long-term well-being. If she has to take a gap year next year, it’s OK!! If it were my daughter, I would tell her to take care of herself, and that I wouldn’t be putting pressure on her to attending college next fall.

That’s actually what we told our middle child. He took a total of 2 and a half gap years and is thriving now.

For Truman State specifically, admissions is rolling, but with a 12/1 deadline for consideration for competitive scholarships: http://www.truman.edu/admission-cost/apply-to-truman/#details-0-0

Truman State bases financial aid on FAFSA: http://www.truman.edu/admission-cost/cost-aid/

Take it one step at a time. If it’s too much for her to apply for college now, she can always start at a community college and transfer.

Our district has a ten day policy too --but if you exceed all they do is call the kid in and talk to them and at some point if this is a truancy or bad parenting issue they can send you to court to explain to a judge. My kid had issues last year and missed three times that amount and nothing happened and her grades were fine.

Ok step back. Loosing a parent unexpectedly is tough. Happened to me, and I was way older than 17. Been a few years and we still haven’t carried out all of her wishes. Getting close though.

I think what your kid does depends on them. For me, it was trying to resume business as usual. That’s what I would encourage. Get back to school as soon as possible. Get back into the routine. She won’t be 100% in school, but even at 80% the normalcy will help. Good luck and sorry for your loss.

Thanks, even my aunt said last night in her times of greatest grief that “do normal things” was her salvation.

Most of her teachers have already responded and said how good of a student she is and that they will watch over her for me in the class room and cut her a bit of slack for the first weeks, but I agree she needs to see her peers and friends.

I know that like me the first day she will be useless. I know I am. I can’t think!

I’ve spent half the day in HR after finding out she lost insurance coverage at midnight the day her dad died…sigh…

Gap year and community college has crossed my mind but I think she will nix the latter as we live in the “Great state of Illinois” LOL. She wants OUT!!! She is headstrong like her parents lol. You just hate to see your child cry…

My condolences to your family. I’m sure your school will be supportive. Although you have enough on your plate, email each of your daughter’s teachers directly. While the guidance counselor SHOULD pass on the message, your teachers may react more kindly if the request to support your daughter comes from you. Ten absences should be sufficient to get your DD through this, but that should be the least of your troubles, since it will be easy to get a doctor to write a note for her.

I wouldn’t be planning on a gap year just yet. If she needs one, fine. If her father would have wanted her to go to college, she might feel better if, in fact, she takes steps in that direction. Take the lead from her, at least for the next week. See how it goes.

My prayers are with your family.

@Kemmomma , I am so sorry for your loss. What an awful shock this must be to your family.

Your daughter’s health comes first. I’d ask each teacher not only for extensions, but also for a reduced workload, because extensions only mean you have extra time to do the work you missed, plus the stuff that will be assigned when she returns to school. Talk to them as human beings, because I’ll bet they will be a lot more merciful than the one size fits all policy your school has.

Your daughter has lost a parent. This is not like losing an aunt or a grandmother, or catching a bad case of the flu. It’s life altering and even after she feels like going to class again, she won’t necessarily be functioning at her highest level. She needs time to grieve and to adjust to this unwelcome change.

You may want to check with the HR department.and ask if your D could qualify for health insurance under COBRA at least as a temporary measure. You would have to pay the company something but it may be a good gap measure.

Don’t forget that she will be eligible for social security until she is 18 or finishes HS.

Yeah, on the health insurance thing, I am not sure you “loose” it automatically. A full months premium has most likely been paid. Not sure they can just “cancel” because of the death. Cobra would be a short term option as would getting her on as dependent coverage. You’ll really need to see what the estate is like – hopefully there is something to provide for her. Obviously stuff mom should handle and keep the kid out of it, imo.