DD19 lost her dad kind of unexpectedly in August this year.
During the application process she wouldn’t even THINK of applying to any schools close to home. Every time I brought it up I literally got my head bit off. (She is in all honor’s and AP Classes with a 30 on her ACT and a perfect score on the reading portion).
She got accepted into all 6 schools she applied to and with nice scholarships. And during Thanksgiving break she decide on which one she wanted to go to and started talking to potential roommates, signed up for orientation etc.
Cue the last week melt down.
According to her someone at school mentioned that they were staying home and going to community college because they couldn’t bear to leave their pets. That got her thinking that she can’t bear to leave because her cats “might” die or her grandfather might die. If she goes to her first choice school (about 5 hours away) she will be lonely and have no one to talk to. (I blame this on her best friend deserting her when she really needed her this year, I could just ugh…girls in high school are so mean)
I tried to get her to apply to some of the state flagship’s that are about 1 1/2 hours away and even that is “too far”. She wouldn’t be able to come home on weekends. She has a car and would be able to.
I got her to promise me not to make any decisions until after the holidays but she went ahead and applied to our local community college. I’m not saying community college is bad as it has it advantages. But when I talk to her about those advantages (taking a class in the summer to lessen her course load - she will have a lot of lab classes) i get this I want my summer.
I’m trying to get her in grief counseling as I know that being afraid to be away because the cat might die or her grandfather is not normal. I’m trying just to let things ride until after the holidays but I am really at a loss on what to do. I know she has had a very traumatic event with her dad dying.
I’m trying to be sympathetic without being a pushover.
Would she consider a gap year? It might be a way for her to stay home for a year and get some counseling but still be able to go to the school that was originally her first choice after a one year delay. If after a year she still wants to go to the local CC it will still be there.
Thanks @MaineLonghorn I hadn’t thought about going to a counselor for me as this was my ex. I’m just stuck moping up everything as his family wiped their hands of it. Probably not a bad idea though! I have someone that I have talked to in the past. I was more worried about her!
Holidays are a super hard time after a major loss. I think you are right on to encourage her to not make any decisions right now since she has plenty of time to do so. Keep all the options open. I agree that going to some bereavement counseling is a good idea too.
I’m very sorry for your family and hope that you will all find some peace.
There is no “right” way to grieve, so I’m not sure I agree that being afraid to be away because the cat might die or her grandfather is not normal.
Grief counselling is a good idea. I had a friend die in college, and it took me 20 years (and another tragedy) to see a grief counselor and deal with my emotions.
She needs to know that her Dad, Grandfather, and even her cat doesn’t want her to put her life on hold for them. They want only what is best for her, and would rejoice at her attending her first choice. Ultimately, she needs to own the decision, as this will help her succeed. With technology, it is easier to keep in touch then when we went to school. Even grandparents can to video calling. She can have a regularly scheduled call with her Grandfather.
Can she take the cat to school? I know two people who have done that
I am so sorry for your daughter’s loss. I lost my father suddenly at the same age and counseling would have been a huge help. It wasn’t as available then. I think the term is “anticipatory grief” and it is a common reaction to the death of a loved one, I believe.
I would be careful about changing any plans in a big way. The reality of going away has obviously hit her and intersected with grief and holidays. A counselor can help her step back a bit once emotions are processed more.
Thumper makes a good point. She does not need to make any rash decisions.
My Dad died in a car accident when I was 11 years old and it took me a year of grieving before I was in a half way normal state.
“I’m trying to get her in grief counseling as I know that being afraid to be away because the cat might die or her grandfather is not normal.”
Sure it is. It is both normal and realistic. And while she may not be telling you this, she is most scared her mom will die. She wants to be close to home. And it would probably be best for her to be close to home. But by the time May rolls around she may feel differently. So, I agree with most of the posts listed. I also believe that community college isn’t necessarily a bad idea for a top student-if that is what will work best for that person for any number of reasons. Community colleges also often have agreements with various colleges that can make entry to some of those very competitive colleges easier (Cornell has such agreements , for example). I would not take the concern about her cat at face value. I’m sure that is part of it-but I’m sure it is more complex than that. She wants to be close to you and to home. Not a bad thing! I also agree about seeking counseling for both, not because there is anything aberrant but because it can be helpful with relatively recent loses and for finding ways to be most helpful to those close to those experiencing the loss.
I agree with what has already been said. My dh died when my kids were young. The 10 year old didn’t want to leave his room for 2 years. If your ex died in the summer, then now is about the time when the shock is wearing off and your D19 is starting to feel her grief.
Let her apply to community college. Don’t take any options off the table. Consider a gap year, but most importantly get her into grief counseling.
I am really humbled by some of the posts here. I lost a parent when I was in my 50’s; it was not unexpected and was after a very long and horrible illness- but I was a basket case for a long time. Counseling helped me a LOT.
Hugs to all of you who have lost parents (and spouses) way too young. And OP- if you can manage it, I’ll bet counseling will help you as well. Divorce is final, and sure, you’ve moved on from an ex, etc. but NOTHING is as painful as the final goodbye. A good counselor can help you understand what your D is experiencing as well.
You cannot expect a 17 or 18 year old to just move on after the death of a parent. The fact that she wants to stay closer to home is a good thing. I am sure she realizes that she will not have the same support system far away and if I was you I would consider myself fortunate that my daughter loves me enough to want to stay nearby. She has her entire life ahead of her and if she is bright, she will do fine after working through her pain.
I would definitely make grief counseling a must for her. Contact your local Hospice and they can direct you to a bereavement group for teens. This could be helpful for her. Also, I agree with some of the others and it is PERFECTLY NORMAL to think the cat might die or her grandfather too because they will and now that she knows more about these feelings they are probably causing her anxiety.
Please keep in mind that grief comes in waves that ebb & flow, and the holidays are always a stressful time. Your daughter is expressing her real feelings in the now … but in a week or a month you can expect her to change her mind again.
It’s good that she applied to the community college because she now has that option to fall back on.
When my daughter was a high school, at some point in the process, she expressed distress over leaving her boyfriend.
I think the best thing you can do is be supportive – don’t argue or debate – and just stick to the plan that final decisions will be made at the appropriate time in the spring. I think it’s quite likely that she will bounce back after the first of the year, especially as she sees more of her classmates getting excited about their own college application process – or when she starts receiving a fresh round of communications from the colleges which have accepted her. Do encourage her to attend accepted students events in the spring – the fear of being lonely and having no one to talk to at a college that is 5 hours away is understandable, but unlikely – she’ll make new friends there and be surrounded by same age peers — so of course there will be plenty of people around.
But as others have already said – what your daughter is saying is only a proxy for the true root of her anxieties. She needs time to process all of her emotions - not just those tied to the loss of her father, but also the normal feelings are tied with the big step of moving away from home to attend a new college.
I lost a parent when I was 20, and thought I was doing fairly well until about six months later, when I began to shut down. I was having trouble concentrating, trouble staying on task, and trouble completing anything that required multiple steps – like the things you need for school.
I was MUCH better about two years after. Therapy helped a lot. So did taking a short break from college.
FWIW, one of our kids did community college. She lived at home and worked and kept herself very busy with classes, and student government. It was a very good experience for her. She transferred to our in-state flagship junior year.
There are many paths. Good mental health trumps all.
We did talk a little more last night. She is so against counseling that I’m not sure how to get her in it. I do think she needs a “safe space” that isn’t mom to talk through what she is feeling. Not sure how to get her there as she is stubborn just like her dad was …sigh… She thinks I’m making to big a deal out of this.
It never occurred to me that she might be having anxiety about me passing away suddenly. Her dad’s death while he was younger was not totally unexpected (he was morbidly obese and had become a shut in). I do understand her fear about her grandfather as he is not in good health.
I would let her take her cat if I thought the cat would adjust but this cat wouldn’t (very skittish took forever to adjust to our new home).
Thankfully her dad provided for her in his death, so she can apply late to any of our in state schools and not have to worry about scholarships. I’m so grateful to him for that!
I agree I’m not going to let her turn down her top to picks until May 1st just in case she changes her mind. The other 4 yes she can decline them but not her top two picks.
I so appreciate everyone that has replied and all of your stories give me hope and things to watch for with her.
I am sorry for your daughter’s loss, and yours. One thing I might add is maybe you could hedge your bets, as in make deposits to both near and far schools, so she has time to make up her mind, and maybe takes some of the stress off when she does make a decision.
One of my kids needed extra assurance that therapy was private. She didn’t immediately trust that the therapist wouldn’t talk to the parents.
One thing that helped was explaining how the insurance worked and encouraging her to take charge of her own health care. She started making her own dental, eye, & wellness exams with a provider of her choosing.
Of course, we also mentioned that therapy, psychiatrist, etc were available to her.
Not ideal to be 100% out of the loop, but if it gets her to help, so be it.
Also, I made some impulsive decisions during my period of grief over my mother’s death. In hindsight, I was overwhelmed with uncomfortable & difficult to bear emotions — which pushed me to conclude I needed to “get out” or “change my path”.
It’s my opinion that the grief & loss & fear was the problem, and I would have been well served to seek out the help of a therapist sooner. But, I was resistant. Back in the day, I think there was more stigma attached to therapy & now, it’s fairly normal for kids from a certain class to be in therapy.
Due to some “girl” problems she has had an ob/gyn for years. I haven’t went back with her for several years. Only one time did she ask me to go back when she was having trouble find an acceptable solution and needed “mom’s backup”.
Other than that I go to her appointments because they require it for someone under 18. But she makes the appointments, register’s herself etc. I sit in the waiting room and read. So I think she knows it all stay’s private.
The battle that I am fighting comes from her dad’s family (grrr). She heard for years and years from her dad and his mother that counseling is just “hog wash” and because of that attitude it ultimately contributed to her dad’s death as he would never seek out the counseling he needed to deal with his food addiction. She knows from me that I don’t believe in that and she has seen me be in counseling during a really stressful time at work.
We do have a housing deposit down at her first choice school so she has that option and she has applied to community college. The one instate school that she likes has rolling admission so If she ups and changes her mind in say February we can go for that I think safely.
I do feel better that even if she does community college things will work out ok and maybe even better for her in the long run as I can keep an eye one her in case of a “delayed” reaction.
