What do I say to my daughter?

Parents Forum
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<p>Even URM, atheletes, legacies, etc. are admitted at higher rates that the un-hooked, most successful applicants are not hooked - - but they do present intangibles in addit to stellar grades/scores. As JRZMom notes, applicants with lesser profiles were never really in the running - - so even if, based solely upon the number of applicants and number of seats, one’s numerical chances of being admitted SEEM no better than purchasing a Mega Millions ticket and hitting the jackpot, that’s just not the case.</p>

<p>OP, I understand that your D is disappointed, but it is our job as parents to help our kids put things in perspective. HYP are not the only schools in the universe and one can certainly lead a happy, productive life w/o a degree from a top school. If this is D’s greatest disappointment, she will have lived a charmed life.</p>

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<p>Wow, the lottery debate is a bit off-topic, isn’t it? She’s talking about coping emotionally and practically with rejection.</p>

<p>Since everything has an element of chance (EVERYTHING), there’s no point blabbing on about whether it’s more like MegaBillions or the Olympics, is there?</p>

<p>Floridalady, I understand that your daughter is committed to going to school in the US and I can understand especially as your husband and you plan to stay there. It would be incredibly hard for her to return to the UK, not to mention, how would she get into those schools without the requisite exams?</p>

<p>However, she might need to take a gap year because she is going to need to pay for this somehow and if she can’t get federal loans–which aren’t the greatest deal in the world in the first place–she really is going to have a hard time even if she goes to one of those huge state universities.</p>

<p>My advice would be to give it some time and know that it will all work out. When you are both feeling more cool-headed, you will need to look at it in a ruthless frame of mind.</p>

<p>First, your daughter’s residence and citizenship. Citizenship and residence cost a lot of money–probably as much as a year at a state school, if I recall correctly. Still, let’s say she’s committed to attending school in the US. If she spent two years at community college getting a 4.0, and basically doing incredible things in the field in which she wants to study, that would not be a waste of time at all. You might be able to pay cash.</p>

<p>Over that period of time, you might be able to go through the residence process with her. Then when she applies to four-year institutions, she would have a better chance at aid as well as a second chance at getting in.</p>

<p>Her other options are pretty hard. Most schools look at international students as sources of money. I am sorry but it’s true. I certainly hope she gets the merit aid she is hoping for but otherwise community college might be her best option for now, with you pressing very, very hard for permanent residence.</p>

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<p>First, sorry your daughter didn’t get into the Ivy League. Neither did mine. And for what it’s worth, the Ivy League is an athletic conference comprising eight private institutions of higher learning in the Northeastern United States. Getting in there does not guarantee anyone’s success in life, nor does not getting in there doom one to failure. A lot of families seem hung up on the idea that an elite education is one’s golden ticket. So not true. The most successful person I know, the creator of SpongeBob Squarepants, went to Humboldt State University in California.
This is a teachable moment. If I were you I would tell my daughter that rejection is an inevitable part of life. She is going to face romantic rejection, employment rejection, promotion rejection. How you deal with rejection is very important. After the tears and disappointment (which, honestly, should not be much in the case of rejection from the Ivy League, because about 95% of applicants are in the same boat) you move on. Very important lesson, well worth the application fees.</p>

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<p>Wow! The anger toward URMs as a consolation to rejection from the most iconic schools in the world, is amazing! What about the URMs that have superior stats, experiences, and other unique and desired qualities? Have you guys read your posts? You know what you sound like, right?</p>

<p>The issue is rejection. Some advice: If you ever PLANNED to be accepted to the most selective schools, I do not care what your stats or color is . . . IT IS SELECTIVE. Meaning, you had less than a 10, 9, 8, 7, 6% chance or less of ever making the grade. We ALL did go over this with our kids, right? Right? Right?</p>

<p>Oh, I forgot to add that DD was rejected by Harvard (and she laughed it off). Feel better?</p>

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<p>I may have posted this already elsewhere, but I completely agree with the notion that it’s our responsibility as parents to help our kids get their heads right about everyone’s slim chances at super selective schools, during the process. Our S, who did very well with his applications last year and is grateful for where he landed, brought his Princeton and Harvard rejection letters out to the barbecue where I was cooking burgers one night and tossed them on the fire. We enjoyed a big laugh together and he never looked back. One of his buddies, who was in the same general ballpark in objective measures, was accepted at Harvard. He’s a really interesting kid - we wished him well.</p>

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<p>^^^ Kudos to your family! Not only should we, as parents, make certain that our children know how competitive these schools are, we should also be showing them how to handle disappointment grasciously.</p>

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<p>Amen, Amen, and Amen!</p>

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<p>Yes, nyc. and aagdad. (But, yours is at Davidson? Arguably one of the truly “best” educations you can get.)…</p>

<p>I sometimes wonder if we, as a generation of parents, working so darn hard to make sure our kids never felt the sting of rejection haven’t set them up for some super disappointments in life.</p>

<p>I sometimes think they are stunned by the cold water out there. “Whaaaat? You mean not everyone loves me like my mother? But, I thought if I was just ‘myself’ they would Looove me.” I’m as guilty of this as the next parent in my own way. </p>

<p>So, yeah, for most of these kids, I think, this is the first real rejection, and it hurts, and it is our job to shrug it off and model for them the absolute FACT that it is not a big deal, that this is just the start of growing up. “This is it, kiddo. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. AND I’m so sorry that it hurts.” Next.</p>

<p>So much of how our kids react to these things are the same as the way they reacted when they were little and fell down. Remember how they would look over at you to decide if they were supposed to be hurt or not? Hmmm, mom doesn’t seem to upset, guess I"m not too hurt to get back on the slide.</p>

<p>JMO</p>

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<p>A lot of people get more than four rejections. She should be happy that she got into honors programs in FL - if she is not happy, she should apply to the Barrett Honors College at Arizona State. Tell her that she did not work hard for the colleges, she worked hard for herself. She should be proud and happy.</p>

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<p>A few days later and we’re already moving on. Lots of hugs, ice cream etc. She has had a lot to deal with in her life and this is one more hurdle which she will clear. I think applying to the Ivy Leagues was more in response to our financial situation than any huge desire in being accepted by an Ivy League school. Once the FA letters have been received we will see where we are. Even if it means borrowing from a family member we will make something work.</p>

<p>Don’t want to bore everyone with our visa issues but we are here on an E2 Investors Treaty visa which has several requirements and restrictions. Those mostly affecting my D are that she ages out of our visa at 21 (must then change to F1 to continue her studies), cannot take a gap year as she must be in full time education or leave the country, she has no SSN# so can’t work or take out loans and she doesn’t qualify for FAFSA and most of the scholarships out there. Not complaining about this, just laying it out there for others to understand.</p>

<p>Like all parents on here we want to do the best we can for her and she certainly deserves it (IMO) : )</p>

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<p>poetgirl’s wisdom for the ages:</p>

<p>“This is it, kiddo. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. AND I’m so sorry that it hurts.” Next.</p>

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<p>“Yes, nyc. and aagdad. (But, yours is at Davidson? Arguably one of the truly “best” educations you can get.)…”</p>

<p>Agreed - and as I have said we are truly grateful he has this opportunity. I just think for some families (and I understand this is not descriptive of the OP) there is just so much emphasis from an early age on the Ivies or “equivalents,” that amazing alternatives available to high-achieving, but perhaps not quite stratospheric, students are overlooked or underappreciated.</p>

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<p>Yes, it does seem to be highlighted during this DDAy week, each year! It’s a crazy dream, as crazy as becoming a professional dancer or athlete. Some will work for it and “make it,” and some will not. I really do believe, as Florida has demonstrated, the kids willl move on at about the same pace as the parents. </p>

<p>Good luck to your daughter Florida. I’m sure the added pressure of the visa situation is a lot. I hope you are able to relax and enjoy the weekend at least a little.</p>

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<p>Forgot to add that there is no way to go from our E2 to a green card. Only option for us to get a green card is to enter the Diversity Lottery which we do every year as my H is Irish.</p>

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<p>Floridalady, how’s she doing?</p>

<p>ETA: Oops, didn’t see #70. I’m glad to hear she’s bouncing back.</p>

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<p>I didn’t realize the E2 didn’t have a direct route to permanent residency. What a headache for your family! Here in the DC area we have a lot of students with A, G, and J visas, and I’ve run into a few with L and R as well. Each of these has its own set of rules which also affects their residency status. You truly have my sympathy!</p>