@MaineLonghorn I am sorry that happened to your son, but glad he has good parents to help him during his hardships.
Keep going to visit him and there to don’t expect him to carve out too much time. Most grad students and young professionals only have a limited amount of free time and vacation. Find ways to work time into his schedule and don’t make him feel like he needs to entertain you. Husband and I recently visited undergrad son but knew he wouldn’t be spending all weekend with us. We asked him what meals he would be free for and took him out to eat. We attended something he was participating in but were very careful to keep a distance and let him interact with his peers. We meet a few other parents. It’s hard but I think one of the best things you can do to maintain a good relationship is work in quality time even if the quantity is less than you would really like.
We’ll go to our kids and visit and lure them with side trips, plays etc. really nice hotels so we are all having a good time. One thing about your kids getting into great colleges back east is I don’t think they will ever be coming home. They find work there etc.So I’ve come to accept it’s Christmas and then going to see them. I don’t like it but I accept it 
Normal. I grew up in a close family, had a good upbringing, etc. But when I went home for vacations during college and thereafter I felt suffocated. Tried to spend as little time at home as possible. There’s nothing wrong with your son, and there’s nothing wrong with you. He’s a normal young man pursuing his life. It’s like this for now. May not be forever. After I got married and had children I saw my parents a lot. Be grateful that he’s a healthy, successful, independent man. Good job, mom and dad.
And definitely this:
Consider looking at this from your son’s POV… an awesome EUROPEAN vacation with old pal vs back home for a week. Come on, the former is 1000x more exciting. Depending on where you live, it could be a gloomy region, maybe he hated high school, everyone with talent fled after high school, nothing to do, literally nobody he wants to see (outside of family)… all making going back home even more dreadful.
I mean California is like a 10/10 state and you want him to spend his small time off in what he prob sees as a boring depressing place. My parents always tell me I’m only young once… European holiday is a no brainer! sorry
Advice: If you can, plan a long weekend for the family every year in a third location. Three nights, four days. Beach or mountains.
My parents never understood that I was an adult. My 90 year old mom still doesn’t. She tried to dictate my family’s vacation time the entire time the kids were growing up. It got so bad that I even quit phoning because I was always being asked to “explain my choices”.
I tried to be very consciously different with my own kids, expressing interest in their activities, studies and new experiences. More like I would interact with a young co-worker, trying to understand their perspective. Did it work? Who knows. One lives halfway around the world, didn’t return to the US at all last year. I celebrated the decision to work overseas and Skype makes things not so distant. From my perspective there is a close connection, even if not physical.
By the time they are in grad school, many kids have drifted apart from their HS friends or those friends are no longer in your home area. That can make visits home more boring. Just another factor to consider.
I think you can say that you did your job well. Your job as a parent is to give kids the tools they need to launch themselves and to want to go out on their own. Of course, it’s normal to mourn a bit when you do succeed, not because you don’t want your kids to become independent, but because you miss them. So give yourself time to get used to this new normal, but be grateful that it worked out so well for your son!
@MaineLonghorn , I’m so sorry about your son’s illness. As we and other family members deal with MI, I sometimes wonder why some people are endowed by their maker with such gifts when they’ll be limited in their ability to develop and use them. One of life’s puzzling mysteries, I guess.
" . . . he just informed us that he will not be coming home . . . Instead he’s going to go visit a friend . . . and he’s not planning on coming home again until Christmas. Has anyone else gone through this? If so, how did you handle it?"
Netflix - not perfect, but that’s what we did.
I think it’s normal. Especially once undergraduate is done. The fact that you are putting him through grad school confusing things a bit but
As a mom, I totally understand how you feel. My eldest is a senior. We chat several times a week but She’s missed summers home for internships. She spent 6 months in Europe studying abroad (though we did visit her for a couple weeks.) she’s not coming home this spring break and it’s unlikely she will be home after graduation as she’s got good leads on internships and jobs. It makes me sad. We have another child entering college in the fall and our little surprise toddler at home. We just can’t afford to take big trips across the country to visit all the time. I hope the regular communication keeps up but I don’t expect we will see much of her until she’s settled and we move closer!
I don’t think it’s abnormal. That said, if he has the cash lying around to take a trip to Europe, I would start weaning him off the bank of mom and dad to some degree. I don’t think college spending needs to be penny to penny even to be “fair”.
My daughter (college class of 2016) feels no ties to her HS friends. When she came home for Christmas she didn’t even try to get together with any of them. She saw a few people when she was home for Thanksgiving (only because there was a big HS “reunion” at a local bar).
It is a good thing for them to start feeling like a part of the community where they go to school or work instead of the community where they grew up.
Our kids both live far away. Both come home for Christmas and for that we are grateful.
DS has a busy work schedule, and really getting here more often would be a challenge…plus…as noted, he doesn’t really have a lot to do when he comes here. He is self employed…so if he doesn’t work…he doesn’t get paid.
DD is in school…and gets two vacations a year…Christmas, and May…,2weeks each time. And that’s it. She will be here in May…for her wedding (DS will be here too) the; we won’t see her again until Christmas.
We try to visit each kiddo where they live once a year also. This year has been a challenge because of the wedding planning…but we will get back on schedule in the fall.
When we visit our kids…we don’t expect them to spend every minute with us. We do plan at least one special dinner with them, and one outing…which they choose.
Yeah, to be honest, MusakParent, the fact that he’s using his money to take a trip to Europe kinda bugs me, too. Once he graduates, he has no idea what kind of job he’s going to get, how much it will pay, where he will live, etc., so it would definitely be more prudent to bank it rather than spend it.
That’s a good point, @BigWideWorld, but he may be thinking more about another limited resource – time – rather tha money. New employees don’t get much paid time off. If he postponed the trip until he was working, he might not be able to do it at all.
And if he’s visiting a friend in Europe, the only cost may be the airfare.
I think that our role as parents is to help our children be ready to go into the world and do well. @BigWideWorld it sounds like your son is ready to do that. To me this means that you have done your job well. That doesn’t mean that your son is going to have a lot to do nor friends to see if he comes to visit you. At this point you need to let him go and be ready if he wants to come home, but don’t push him to do this.
As @glido said (approximately), for us parents left behind at home, there is Netflix and HBO Now (I can no longer handle the permanent string of advertisements on regular TV, but that is a different issue).
Even when I was older than OP’s son, I grew to resent spending ALL my very limited vacation time traveling home. I only had 2 weeks per year and they had to be taken in 1 week blocks. I started using 3 day weekends etc and taking my weeks elsewhere. Anywhere ‘elsewhere’ although it often included my brother and his family at the beach.
It’s hard to travel coast to coast for 3-4 days, but it can be done. It also helps if there is an event (wedding, birthday, high school reunion) to be a reason to get home at a specific time.
I agree @BigWideWorld . The other thing is it’s hard to really move to a more mature adult child relationship when the kid is still dependent on you for finances mentally for both parties I think. Not that I am at all in favor of setting a tone of “I send you money, you must visit me” but setting a tone of “we’re moving to a more adult relationship now and we’re not going to be part of your day to day finances” for a young adult that is quite independent and earning enough to visit Europe on a whim.