I’m a long-time lurker but first-time poster. This site helped me get two kids into awesome colleges, and I really appreciate all the information available here. So, here’s the history. DS is in grad school, which we’re paying for, because he got a full ride for undergraduate, and to keep things even with his sister, we felt this was the right thing to do. While he was always reluctant to come home as an undergrad, he does not want to come home at all now, except at Christmas. I can’t help but feel a little hurt by this, because until he went away to school, we were always close.
We are on one coast, and he’s on the other, so it’s a long plane ride, but we’re willing to pay for him to get here and back. He just doesn’t want to. And I have to say that when he’s home, it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be here, because he can be very argumentative and has a tendency to pick on his sister. We had a big blowup last Christmas about his attitude, which wasn’t pretty, but I thought we worked things out.
However, he just informed us that he will not be coming home (as originally planned) between the end of the semester in May and the beginning of his internship in June. Instead he’s going to go visit a friend in Europe (on his own dime), and he’s not planning on coming home again until Christmas. Has anyone else gone through this? If so, how did you handle it? Did it get better as your kid got older? My DH says this is normal – particularly for boys – and we should not “guilt” him into coming home. I agree with this, but it’s really hard not to let my disappointment show over the phone when DS basically lets us know he’d rather be anywhere but home. And, of course, I feel terrible that he doesn’t want to be here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Go visit him instead. My daughter is always too busy to come home (she did go one year from Christmas to Christmas between visits). I go visit her in between her trips home. When I do, I try to make it a vacation for her - we go to museums, shows, and eat well (all my treat).
I did this as a young (female) adult. Honestly, my parents made me a little crazy. Politically we were (and still are) on different planets. Their worldview and mine are not particularly compatible. They also treated me as a bit inferior to my brothers in many ways (girls are worth less in their eyes), so that was a factor as well. I have no idea if those types of things come into play for your son, though. My parents were kind of oblivious to it (so just saying it is possible that you are, too). As my parents got older I drifted back to spending more time, but never moved back. I am dutiful. But not very close. I wish it were otherwise, but this works best for me.
I also had only 2 weeks of vacation a year for my first few years of employment, so that was a factor.
My youngest started a PhD program last fall, and also just told me she might not come home this summer even though I’ll happily pay for the ticket. But she is going on a spring break trip with me next week (and seems pleased about it) and has encouraged me to come to her part of the country for a long weekend. She is planning a canoeing trip with some grad school friends this summer, and might just be unsure how much time off she will be able to take, since it is her first summer in this lab. So I’m not sure how future summers will play out — is she done coming home except Christmas, or is this just her being conservative in her planning time off at the moment?
You might consider going to see him more often. Or planning a few days in a location near hm as a mini vacation? How does he receive that suggestion?
Laying on guilt will only make the relationship worse. If you want him to come visit, you need HIM to WANT to come visit. Sounds like right now visits aren’t very enjoyable for him.
Work long distance to improve the relationship and then make the effort to visit him in a way that’s enjoyable to him. That would be a good start.
Normal for a parent to have these feelings. He’s a grad student which means he’s in his early twenties. Gotta learn to let go and have your own life. You paying for his grad school has no bearing on what he’s expected to do. It’s obvious that he finds it boring just to come home and he would rather hang out with his friends. Be happy that he’s willing to come home for Christmas. Could be worse and he wants to cut off all contact. One of the reasons why I don’t let my kids go to colleges that are farther than a 5 hour drive is because I want them to increase my chances of having a closer relationship with them. I found that when kids go away to colleges that require a plane they tend to develop lives of their own in their new state and it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain that long distance relationship forever.
It sounds pretty normal to me. My son started grad school (PhD) on the opposite coast and he’s been home for winter break, plans to come home between the end of the semester (May) and the start of summer research (beginning of June, working full time). He’s also moving into another house at the end of May and may go camping and visiting friends in neighboring states. His schedule looks tight to me! I leave it up to him as to when he comes home. I pay for all travel…he puts it on a credit card attached to my account.
We’re happy that our 19-year-old daughter is coming home for spring break tonight. We’re trying to make home as welcoming a place as possible. I bought a bowl full of planted flowers to put in her room. I also cleaned her bedroom thoroughly and asked her what I could buy at the grocery store for her. I know she’ll spread her wings soon, but I want her to like coming home.
My parents would occasionally lure me with a fabulous vacation (relatively, we weren’t rich by any means) and let me bring a friend along. I think that helped maintain our relationship. We were never strained but I really liked my life and taking time out to go back home to the boring rural hinterlands was a kind of a burden, no matter how much I loved them.
^^ I get her favorite cereal, yogurt and tea bags and put fresh flowers in a vase on my 19 year old DD’s bedside table whenever she comes home, too, @MaineLonghorn. Great minds think alike!
I know this must be painful for you, but try to remember that you did your job well. He is stretching his wings and flying - which is the optimal result of good parenting. He is now an adult and he is on his way to creating his own adult life.
My mother made the mistake of trying to guilt-trip me every chance she got when I was a young adult. I was a bad daughter for not wanting to move closer to home. I was a bad daughter for spending vacation time with friends instead of family. Etc. If she had let go and allowed me to be the young adult I was instead of always seeing me as a young teen, then maybe we’d have a decent relationship today. So I know it is likely very difficult, but realize you have done your job and your son deserves to live his life on his own terms. If you are supportive and not holding on too tightly, then he WILL come back to you after a while. The relationship will be different though - you will be two adults, and he will expect to be treated as such. As it should be.
Agree. When ours were in college, and now that they’re out, we decided to make visits home as pleasant as possible, make sure their time here was what they considered enjoyable. A lot of kids rock and roll their way through this stage of “emerging young adulthood.” I know I did. We kept to some family rules and standards, but made ourselves pretty loose about overall expectations. Same applies if you visit them.
The thing is, mine aren’t even as far away as OP’s or others. We ask for part of one major holiday, Thanksgiving or Christmas. The rest is at will. We text, talk, etc, more regularly. A little respect goes a long way. I know they feel it.
Also, when I was in college, I was the kid who never went home…both my parents have passed away and I still feel badly about those years…i’m not even sure why i didn’t want to…its weird.
^?? I think speculating like this is not helpful. He’s in his early 20s and doesn’t want to come home often. It’s normal!! He’s not trying to break his parents’ hearts.
He’s an adult. I know it’s hard for parents to accept that their kids grow up and move on, but that’s the way it is. If you’re lucky.
Lots of good suggestions here, thank you! I think I just need to readjust my expectations, which is difficult, because I always wanted to go home when I was in college. And our daughter likes to come home, too, for which I am very grateful. We always try to make things very welcoming when the kids are home – I ask what they want to do, get their favorite foods, etc., so I think I’m okay there. We are a pretty laid back family, and now that they’re grown, the kids are free to come and go as they please. I purposely don’t schedule a lot of things when they’re home, so they can rest, relax, see friends, etc.
As for visiting him, yes, we have been back there a few times, but he’s usually busy and doesn’t carve out a whole lot of time for us. And I can understand that, because grad school is very demanding. We will probably visit him again during the course of the year, and we are planning a big trip at Christmas (yes, we are blatantly trying to “lure” him home). Glad to hear others have been through this, too. Sounds like it will just take some time to get to a new normal.
I think what’s happening is normal. As young people grow older, they come “home” less and less, and eventually, the place where you live is no longer their “home.”
My kids started cutting back on trips home around the middle of their undergraduate years. Their lives were beginning to be centered elsewhere, and there was little to do at home. I understand that. After college, both of them spent some time in graduate programs (one right away, the other later). But they didn’t come home for breaks, and I didn’t expect them to.
Your son is a college graduate now, living on the other side of the country and pursuing his own life. The place where you live isn’t really his home anymore. I wouldn’t recommend making him feel guilty about that. This is what you raised him for – to be an independent adult.
My son is 31 now, living 3,000 miles away from the place he used to call home. My daughter is 28, living 2,000 miles away (and married). I typically see each of them about once a year, for two or three days. But we talk on the phone every few weeks and send each other e-mails from time to time about random items of interest. I work very hard at maintaining good relationships with both of them because those relationships are now entirely voluntary. They don’t ever have to talk to me again if they don’t want to, and I’m very aware of it.
Is this what I expected life to be like after they grew up? No. Frankly, I expected them to end up geographically closer to home (or at least in the same time zone where I live). And that would have made it easier to maintain family ties. But life takes young people where it takes them, and it’s up to parents to roll with the punches.
I guess we have to agree to disagree. “Heartbreaking” is having your son, a young adult who had a bright future, develop schizophrenia and end up in the psych hospital every so often (his current stay is going on three weeks now). Having your kids spread their wings, go to grad school, and lead rewarding lives, is awesome!
