I just had to ask how to cope with children leaving home and living far away, specifically a plane ride away. My daughter will be attending Princeton next fall, but we live right near St. Louis, MO. I’m very worried about the distance. She says she will be fine, but I KNOW THE TRUTH! Who will do her laundry? Who will wake her up in the morning? Those are a couple of ESSENTIAL things that I’m not sure she can do on her own. I’m just very worried about my firstborn leaving. Any advice on coping with this???
Have her start those things now. You have 8 months to practice her getting herself up for school, doing her laundry on weekends or the summer. She will be fine if you will let her be. Start now.
My son would need a forklift to get out of the bed in the morning. Never did a load of laundry in his life. He’s doing just fine his freshman year. It’s actually WHY we wanted him out on his own - sink or swim! if she got into Princeton, she is more than capable of waking herself up and doing her laundry! It’s harder for you! She will be great!
Agree with the pp- start today- retire from laundry duty. Her hamper might overflow, but she will figure it out. Buy her a shirt folder- best thing I bought my girls. Make her set alarms and get up- find a loud one or one that shakes a bed. I’m a stay at home mom and my husband works from home- we find it has disadvantages when it comes to our kids being independent because one of us is always home, I often have to step away and stop myself from “helping”. She will figure it out if YOU let her.
I totally understand your trepidation. I sent my one and only 1000 miles away and she is book smart not street smart. I had to tell myself that if she is brave enough to go I have to be brave enough to allow it. If you haven’t already, take her to a laundromat and teach her about doing laundry away from home. Stop getting her up, she has an alarm on her phone. She will allow you to mother her as long as you are willing because it is easier. She is more than capable.
I wasn’t sure about her navigating airports by herself as we are road trippers and she had only been on one flight before in her life. She figured it out. Last Christmas her flights were canceled due to weather and she figured it out. We didn’t even go to help her move out of the dorm last year. She got a storage unit with some acquaintances, used the zipcar and got it done. She is an introvert with anxiety. None of these things has been easy for her but she has risen to the occasion over and over. I’m sure your daughter will be the same.
To help myself I have followed every college Instagram I can find, sometimes I find her pictured at a school event. I have followed the local paper on FB and the local National Weather Service site. Freshman year I even checked the daily menu from the cafeteria
By going to Princeton she is living her dream. Be open and supportive and she will keep you a part of this dream, you will know more about Princeton than you ever thought possible. The more you worry the more she will worry. Have faith in all the good parenting you have done
My kids went on international service trips when they were 15. They needed to do their laundry on that trip so I taught them. I was OFF laundry duty for them from then on. It worked fine. You’ve got several months to get her taking care of her own needs. So RIGHT NOW have her start using her phone or an alarm clock (they still make those, right?) to get up in the morning. If she sleeps through it, it’s going to be on her to deal with the consequences.
And seriously, even if your kid was an hour away instead of a plane ride, you wouldn’t be doing her laundry or driving over to wake her up, right?
My next door neighbor told each of her kids when they turned ten “If you can figure out how to work the video games and VCR’s, you can figure out a washing machine”. And retired from laundry at that point.
Obviously, you need to update this for today’s technology, but seriously- a washing machine is easier than downloading an App.
Make a list of everything you’re nervous about- and then step back and tell her that you are there to troubleshoot but not to do. If she is a HS senior and has not been making her own dentist appointments, eye doctor appointments, doing laundry, and cooking simple meals for the family you’ve got a great opportunity to start right now.
And waking herself up? The first time she misses something she cares about is the LAST time she’ll forget to set her alarm! One of my kids slept through some thing his friends were doing on a Sunday… just slept through it. Then realized that we do not live in a hotel with wake up service and turndown service. Boom. Problem solved.
If you are THAT worried, don’t let your kid go to college far away from home.
I’d put these worries right out of my head. Your kid will figure out how to use the washing machines at her college. If she was smart enough to get accepted to Princeton, she is smart enough to learn to set some alarm, and get where she needs to be on time.
In the meantime, I agree with others…start having her do these things herself…at home. Show her your washer and dryer, and show her how to use them. Then stop doing her laundry. Period.
Ask her to set her own alarm in the morning. Stop waking her up yourself.
She has seven months or so to learn these life skills.
She says she will be fine, but I KNOW THE TRUTH! Who will do her laundry? Who will wake her up in the morning? <<
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Is this serious? She will do her own laundry by using the washing machines and dryers conveniently available in every dorm. And she will wake up by using her smartphone alarm clock. She can even back it up with a 2nd alarm clock. I figured this stuff out and I’m an idiot. If she’s smart enough to get into Princeton, she’s smart enough to figure it out.
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Those are a couple of ESSENTIAL things that I’m not sure she can do on her own. <<
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Well, if that’s true then maybe she has no business being at Princeton.
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Any advice on coping with this??? <<
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Stop seeing her as a helpless baby, start seeing her as a capable young woman with the chops to get into one of the most selective universities in the world, learn to trust her intelligence and capabilities, and stop inventing ridiculous things to worry about.
Ask her what practical things she might like to learn before she leaves to prepare for college life.
If she doesn’t have any ideas, you might suggest laundry, checking account/debit card, dealing with doctors and pharmacies, and using alarm clocks to get up in the morning. (Hint: Have a second one on the other side of the room. You can’t turn that one off without getting out of bed. Once you’re out of bed, the problem is basically solved.)
But she may have other ideas. When I went off to college, I was more concerned about figuring out and navigating mass transit to get home (which involved a bus and a train) than I was about alarm clocks or laundry. Different students have different concerns.
She can also look up how to do laundry on her phone if she gets stuck with an unfamiliar machine at college. Or ask someone else doing laundry. But yes. Start now.
Some schools actually have laundry services students can subscribe to, but any kid smart enough to get into Princeton is smart enough to figure out how to do their laundry. The sad part is she’s probably going to ask Google, not you for help!
Perhaps you could rent an apartment nearby and act as her personal butler/valet? Attachment parenting is a thing. I hear in China many parents go to college with their kids and have a hard time leaving, maybe Princeton would be open to that?
Why ‘tents of love’ are popping up in Chinese colleges - CNN
Teach her how to have a meeting with an adult authority figure (Dean, Adviser, Head of housing, Director of Nutrition if she’s got allergies, etc.) and then roll play.
Teach her how to handle an array of “crises”- lost phone, lost contact lenses, class schedule comes out and she’s got two labs taking place at the same time, she wakes up in the middle of the night with a scratchy throat, tries to take $40 out of the ATM but the screen says she’s out of money (even though she knows she’s not… but the deposit she made earlier in the day hasn’t cleared yet).
Once you’ve got a bunch of these under her belt you will worry less!
@Pattimother23 your progeny also applied to VA tech, Roanoke College and Western Carolina, all some distance from St Louis. Did you not have concerns about her coping initially, before she applied to so many far away school? How did you justify those choices in applications if you are concerned about her ability to be self sufficent? You must have had some confidence in her ability to succeed.
I am confident that she, like most kids, will figure it out. If not she can transfer home and attend college locally, right?
Agree with the advice above. But also remember in today’s world you will always be just one phone call/FaceTime/Skype away and I’m sure you will be available when advice/instruction/reassurance is needed.
