What do you think of my essay topic for the uc personal statement??

<p>It's for Prompt #1:
Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Well..I already finished writing my essay for this prompt. I rewrote my essay twice and I'm going to rewrite it again in a different topic. My world would be my family, but I'm just writing it totally different from before(a different situation).</p>

<p>This is going to be hard for me to say because it's really personal
that nobody else knows except for my family.
I just want to share with you guys because I need to know if this topic will
be a good response to the prompt. </p>

<p>Okay..here it goes:
Well during this recent summer...on the beginning of July..
My mom got abused by my father(he punch her about 10 times in her eyes, hit her in the arms, legs and it had bruses everywhere...her eyes was about to pop out! It was purple and a big bruse around her eyes) then after that my mom said she will call 911 and she did. My dad ran out really fast and hide somewhere, the police caught him and put him in jail for a week. My mom could have press charges on him to stay longer in jail maybe a year or two, but she didn't because of her children. After that incident, we were terribly sad and angry at what my dad done to her. Ever since my dad got out of jail, they were separated. Now, its extremely hard for us without a parent because now its all on my mom to pay for everything-the bills, college tuition, etc. My twin sister and I are only 17, my two brothers are 16 and 11. So, it's really a major obstacle that we have to face. We have to depend on ourselves on almost everything because my mom cannot do everything for all four of us and most importantly we cannot stress her out anymore she already has.
Now, our family has a much lower income than before because my dad never support us anymore. </p>

<p>Well, I guess that's the whole story.
Would this be a good topic to write about for the UC Personal statement?
It is a huge obstacle that I personally faced and had to overcome it.
After my parents separated, our family did lived a happier life and this
obstacle does shape my dreams and aspirations because I am much more
determined to not face the same struggle that my mom faced and to do
whatever it takes to succeed in school.
I had to really try hard to overcome this incident and just move on with
my life and I will not let it stop me from accomplishing my goals in life. </p>

<p>After all, this is a "PERSONAL" Statement...the topic I'm trying to write about is
VERY, VERY, VERY Personal to me because it's a tragic incident that I would always
keep it a secret from other people. Now, I'm kinda over it, but I will always remember
what my dad has done to my mom for the rest of my life!</p>

<p>there are many grammatical mistakes, mostly tense issues in your essay. but i think the biggest problem is that you forgot to address the second part of the prompt which asks for you to tell them how this has shaped your dreams and aspirations. what you have written, here, leaves me knowing very little, or maybe nothing, about you. try to bring it back to something about yourself and how overcoming this has influenced your goals/aspirations today.</p>

<p>No!!!!
This is NOT an Essay!! It's only a story I am telling you of what happen which is my topic of the essay! Didn't you read the WHOLE Description? If you did, then you should know its just a TOPIC. I even said it up there! gosh....-.-</p>

<p>whoa there. lol i did read what you had to say, but it wasn't very clear what you were asking us to read. i'm sorry for my misunderstanding.</p>

<p>oh okay..I'm sorry then.
But, obviously my topic is going to be about my mom being physically abused by my father and how it affect me and my future. I'm just telling you the story so you will know. It is not an essay..I just barely started writing it.</p>

<p>in that case, the topic is fine for the personal statement. i don't see anything wrong with it, assuming that you'll make the focus of the essay on yourself in the end.</p>

<p>okay thanks...</p>

<p>Anybody want to answer??? =/ c'mon! ;d</p>

<p>yes it will work, if u make the central focus of the essay on yourself, and describe how your parents influenced YOUR behavior and future.</p>