What do you think of my personal statement?

<p>Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow?</p>

<p>As I fed my uncle’s clamorous roosters I could not help but think to myself: they need love too. As I tried to fathom the frustration of these majestic birds, I couldn’t help but notice that they require patience and opportunities in order to achieve their full potential; like me. I have faced situations similar to the weather beaten, caged, and lonely but beautiful creature.</p>

<p>As a Mexican American I was stuck between identifying with either culture, like a caged animal, this caused me great dissatisfaction in my earlier years of high school; however, I realized I don’t need to fit in. I struggled with substance abuse as a young Hispanic teen in order to feel accepted by today’s teen “social standards” but I slowly started to isolate myself from negative influences. This was easier said than done; after a while I began to feel like an outcast. “Beaner!”, “Loner!”, and “Whitewashed” were a few of the common labels that were given to me. I began to feel confused and disdained. This infuriated me to the point that I wanted to break the racial stereotype of being an uneducated, dependent, juvenile delinquent.</p>

<p>As I took on my path towards challenging myself academically and athletically in order to keep myself from the temptations of social negatives, I was beaten down by numerous people. I was continued to be bullied for my religious pertinence, my lack of assertiveness towards others (that Latino males are “supposed” to have), and my disability of being partially deaf. Despite all odds, I kept going. I have been rained on every step of the way, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel: a better future.</p>

<p>I drove myself to not care what people said, thought, or heard of me. I want to go to college, I want to be successful on a whole different spectrum, and I want to help those around me. That is why I am aiming for the medical field, where I can attend to others and feel satisfied with my work. I especially want to attend to teenagers and children that come from disadvantaged backgrounds that are more exposed to social negatives such as drugs, violence, and gang affiliation.</p>

<p>Although I feel like there is no way out at times, I always find a way to make it motivate me to do better. That is why patience will always lead to greatness when it refers to me. Loneliness comes and goes but the true supporters are always there. I started out a confused animals but ended up a sprouting tree.</p>

<p>Does it sound like I'm complaining?</p>

<p>Am I off track?</p>

<p>Does it sound cliché?</p>

<p>Any advice and suggestions will be greatly appreciated</p>

<p>You aren’t off-track, and I don’t think it sounds like you’re complaining. I do think the rooster / “sprouting tree” metaphor is a little awkward and cliched. Instead, you can creatively open your essay with more information about the bullying / sense of not fitting in. Also, you’re emphasizing “patience” and the “light at the end of the tunnel,” but you should elaborate on the <em>action</em> you’ve taken to deal with shaping your own identity. If you’ve done any pre-med things, mentored younger children, done anything related to your race or culture, or done anything regarding disability awareness, those would be especially good to mention. </p>

<p><a href=“Posting Essays and other Sensitive Information - College Essays - College Confidential Forums”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/255610-posting-essays-and-other-sensitive-information.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>-it’s probably a bad idea to mention substance abuse in a college essay
-you REALLY need to revise this, so many clunky run on sentences. Read it out loud for flow
-colleges want you to be straight up. your rooster-feeding metaphor is pointless</p>

<p>I don’t mind the rooster anecdote but it could be written more effectively. PM me and I can help you with this. </p>

<p>thanks for the input!!</p>

<p>The idea’s are good. I would focus more on maybe falling into drugs and then how you overcame them and helped over people over come drugs too; colleges like reading that kind of stuff. Basically switch your focus to how all that bad stuff you can use as fuel to help others.</p>

<p>The first paragraph attracts attention and one feels like reading on. But then the story changes and the rooster/your identity metaphor really doesn’t work. It’s too forced. You never come back to the rooster thing anyway, so there is no main thread so to speak that runs through the whole essay.</p>

<p>Two bits of advice if I may:</p>

<p>Tell a story. Don’t list your concerns, worries, struggles, victories. Tell a story and have these ideas show through. It will sound super repetitive but there is truth in the advice: show don’t tell.</p>

<p>Make yourself likeable to the person who reads your essay. Make them want to have you in their incoming freshman class. </p>

<p>The rhetoric makes you seem disingenuous. Make your personality show through your essay.</p>

<p>If you think posting your essay online is a good idea, you might not have the intellect needed for college.</p>

<p>Dude, I don’t need your negativity. @ch1746</p>

<p>@ricardo707: When you post your essay on-line for all to see, any applicant can steal a phrase, a sentence, a paragraph or the central idea and submit it to colleges as their own work. </p>

<p>Admissions Offices now run essays through large data-based software programs like turnitin.com checking for plagiarism. If any part of your essay is copied by another student and you both happen to apply to colleges that use turnitin.com, your essay will be “red flagged.” As an Admissions Officer won’t know which student copied from who, they will in all likelihood, reject you.</p>

<p>As a result, NONE of what you posted – no matter how wonderful your essay – is usable. </p>

<p>So, chalk this one up as a life lesson. You need to write another completely new essay and the next time offer to Private Message someone with your essay who has been through the college process already. Do not post it on line – that’s why College Confidential has warnings about doing so.</p>

<p>See: <a href=“http://turnitin.com/en_us/features/originalitycheck/content”>http://turnitin.com/en_us/features/originalitycheck/content&lt;/a&gt;

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<p>Also see: <a href=“When college applicants plagiarize, Turnitin can spot them”>http://articles.latimes.com/2012/jan/29/local/la-me-plagiarism-20120129&lt;/a&gt;

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<p>thank you for clearing that up for me :slight_smile: @gibby</p>