What Do You Think This Essay Got?

<p>This is my little sister's essay....she wants to know what it deserves...</p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT: Does fame bring happiness, or are people who are not famous more likely to be happy? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>“The best things in life are free”. This is a common saying and I believe that it’s true. While many teenagers, children, and adults are convinced that fame brings happiness- fame isn’t simply a free gift. In fact, one has to work hard to achieve fame, and I believe that many of those who do happen to achieve fame, are discontent and left unsatisfied. Examples of famous celebrities and sports stars who visibly carry the burden of fame are everywhere- even if the public doesn’t notice. </p>

<pre><code>Joe DiMaggio was an excellent baseball player. He could bat, he could run all the bases, and score homeruns. However, as much as DiMaggio was famous for his outstanding sports accomplishments, the fame took a toll on him later. He was a drinker- he drank to make the pain go away, and his body wasn’t always in terrific shape. In fact, after the first few months of his life, Joe DiMaggio wasn’t always the upbeat and dedicated baseball player he seemed to be. DiMaggio was famous for what he was good at, but it was obvious to the public that later, fame had become a burden he and his health simply couldn’t endure.

Another example of fame (and the terrible burden it provides) is evident in the classic novel, The Great Gatsby. Mr. Gatsby, one of the main characters, is incredibly rich, and one could easily assume- famous. Yet it was seen throughout the book that Gatsby was nowhere close to being satisfied with his life. He believed it was his fame (and attitude) that were the reasons that Gatsby couldn’t have the heart of his long-time love, Daisy. His fame brought him feelings of loneliness and utter dissatisfaction with himself. As a result of this, at the conclusion of this novel, Gatsby didn’t meet an extraordinarily optimistic end- all because of his fame, and partially because of his success that brought Gatsby’s low interpretation of himself.

Lastly, and this is a very common example to teenagers today (as well as most of modern society)- celebrity trauma. Just to name an example of a celebrity who thought the burden of fame was too much to bear- Britney Spears. It was a shock to the media and general public when she took a turn in her career for the worse! She wasn’t a dedicated a singer, she blew off the media, and most unexpectedly of all- she shaved her head. Isn’t it now evident of the immense toll fame takes on individuals? Fame may bring happiness to some people, but many merely see fame as an equivalent to sorrow and dissatisfaction with life.

In conclusion, although fame is one thing modern society greatly yearns for, it is my belief that people who are not famous can already be happy. I’m an example! I am nowhere close to achieving fame, and I keep my spirits because I’m happy just the way I am. It is possible fame can bring happiness, but it is more likely that fame will bring a terrible burden upon our shoulders that -no matter how hard we try- cannot be lifted.
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<p>I'd give it an 8-9.</p>

<p>-Lots of grammar mistakes i.e. run on sentences</p>

<p>-Not a lot of sentence diversity; need to vary sentence structure more</p>

<p>-Examples not developed that well; your telling, but not exactly showing how.</p>

<p>I dunno. Got a 10 on my SAT in June, but haven't looked at SAT since. So don't take my word for it. Just an opinion from what I remember about SAT essays.</p>

<p>Thanks for the reply.</p>

<p>8-10. it could get a 5 because of its length, organized structure, and number of examples, but because it doesn't show much mastery of language it could also get a 4.</p>

<p>All of you should realize that length is all that counts. There's almost a perfect positive correlation between length and scores. Even look through the blue book. The essays that scored a 6 have numerous mistakes and aren't very convincing, but they all have one thing in common: length. All of the essays that got inferior scores were short, but a few of them showed a stronger command of the English language than the "better" ones did. Also, read this. Don't believe me? Read [url=<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/04/education/04education.html?ei=5090&en=94808505ef7bed5a&ex=1272859200&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=all%5Dthis%5B/url"&gt;http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/04/education/04education.html?ei=5090&en=94808505ef7bed5a&ex=1272859200&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=all]this[/url&lt;/a&gt;] article. If you want further proof, PM me and I'll send you the essay I wrote on the October SAT. It was one of the absolute worst things I've ever written, and I got an 11.</p>

<p>That being said, I would give this essay an 11 or a 12.</p>

<p>While length does play a large role in determining the score, it does not determine the final score. Here are some things that are needed to achieve a high score.</p>

<p>-Length (Try to go for a full 2 pages or close to it).</p>

<p>-Clear Organization (Have a clear Thesis, and structured paragraph)</p>

<p>-Smooth Transition (Make sure one paragraph transits to the next smoothly)</p>

<p>-Vocabulary (Spice up your essay with some SAT Vocabulary, but use them correctly).</p>

<p>-2 Examples (Most people should go for 2 examples; no more, no less. 2 examples are more than enough for an essay and usually signifies development and adequate support).</p>

<p>On my May SAT I wrote 2 full pages, but I got a 9. On my June SAT, I wrote 2 pages and had better transition, vocabulary, support, and structure. Got a 10.</p>

<p>length isn't everything. the 12 essays are usually somewhat persuasive and flow smoothly</p>

<p>I'd give an 11 or 12...</p>

<p>I don't think her opening quote makes much sense in the essay. The Joe diMaggio sentence "after the first few months of his life" is missing a word or two. Too many dashes mixed wth commas, for an essay I'd stick with commas. I'd give it somewhere between a 6 and a 8.</p>

<p>Thanks to everyone for reaffirming my beliefs that this essay sucked. For those who gave it a high score purely for length that makes sense because believe it or not this essay actually scored a 10 on the June SAT. Shows how much the essay graders really care about content....</p>

<p>she forgot biggie small :) "more money more problems" I dont like the thesis: the topic asks can people who are not rich and famous be happy? </p>

<p>she said best things in life are free? thats not being rich and famous </p>

<p>Thesis: people who are not rich and famous can be happy cause the simple things in life are free ?</p>

<p>Id talk about the love from my nieces and nephews, friends i have and fishing.</p>

<p>But look at: I mean gatsby has all the money in the world but doesnt find love --yet love is free...</p>

<p>britney --same no love lots of fame and money--every tries to use her...ie kevin-</p>

<p>dimaggio--didn't he drink cause monroe dumped him ?</p>