What does it mean to "love your safety"?

Parents Forum
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<p>Cami215, I sympathize! We are a Catholic family, which you might think would make things easy since there are so many Catholic schools, but the vast majority of the good ones can barely even be called "Catholic in name only..." - instead they appear actively anti-Catholic. And some of the traditional Catholic schools are way, way too small and too limited in resources. Two of my other kids opted for top ten schools and one went to a non-Catholic "Catholic" school, and all of them found their own small groups, places to worship, etc., but my last child is being as careful as your son....</p>

<p>I wish your son well!</p>

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<p>xiggi --
Just a thought re why someone would travel out-of-state, despite the availability of an excellent state university: a desire to encounter greater geographical diversity in the student body. Although the best state schools DO attract out-of-state students, in-state students predominate (e.g. a quick pass through the UT site indicated 80% from Texas). So if a prospective student is looking for a wider range of perspectives, as well as unfamiliar life experiences, world views, etc., in his/her fellow students -- this might rule out a local school.
Of course, if the state university is the only viable financial safety, that's another story.</p>

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<p>My D was never one to follow the traditional route. She never looked at rank when she was looking at schools. So she never looked at her list in terms of reach, match and safety. Even today as a freshman she could not tell you the rank of any of her schools she was considering or even how they rank in relation to each other. She knew more what she didn't want then what she wanted. In the end I didn't 100% agree with all her choices but as she told us it is her life. She ended up in at all but 1(her 1 reach in terms of a certain program) of her schools. They were all mainly ranked in the 40-90 range in US News for universities. I would have liked to her have some reaches in her mix but she was stubborn. In the end it came down to 2 final choices. 1 of them a safety(in my mind) that she only applied to for me. All along she said she wasn't going there. But after going to the admitted students day she liked the school but loved certain programs the school had to offer. In the end it was really difficult for her to turn them down. She ended up deciding to go to a school that she just had some gut instinct that she wanted to attend for a number of years. She to this day could not tell you that they are 40 ranking spaces apart.
Fast forward to Hurricane Katrina. When it became apparent that Tulane wasn't happening she thought about the schools that she had been admitted but hadn't started yet. Her close 2nd choice was starting in 4 days. She hopped on a plane and is there now. She loves the program she is in. She in end has decided to stay put.
I never thought she would attend this safety school and at times I struggle with the thought that she would be loving a liberal arts college.
Sometimes with a closer look a safety can be a real gem. And as much as I had my doubts about the intellect of the student body at the school my D has been impressed with the students she has met and the rigor of her courses. And I have been extremely impressed with the kindness and care of the staff and faculty of this school.</p>

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<p>


Is that really working out "for the best"? Who is carrying the loans? Parents? or student?</p>

<p>As I have noted, in our case the "safety" is basically a choice from about half a dozen UC campuses. Loveable or not, we are talking about schools where she can get a good education and which offer tremendous options and opportunities along the way. I understand the reason my d. would prefer her reach schools -- but the point I am making is that finances are a significant factor. The all-reach vs. "unloveable" safety approach doesn't leave a lot of options in terms of possible merit aid.</p>

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<p>D is responsible for $10k/yr. Summer jobs, work study and some special one-time special scholarships are helping with year 1.</p>

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<p>Im sorry I have not read all of the posts before writing this, but they were getting to be too long winded. I apologize if something like this has already been written. But I figure something like this would add depth to the discussion.</p>

<p>I am a freshman at Brown right now. However come last April, I was moping around expecting to go to WUSTL. I had applied to 7 schools, Princeton, Brown, Yale, Johns Hopkins, Penn, WUSTL, and Emory, and as I excitedly ran to the mail on April 1st, discovered that their decisions, respectively were: rejection, waitlist, rejection, waitlist, waitlist, acceptance, acceptance. I was extremely furious, I had worked so hard to get my 1540 (old score obviously) my 5 750+ SAT IIs, my APs all 4 or 5, and a near A avg at easily arguably the best private school in the nation. I had been a varsity captain for 2 years with my 2 years as captain being the best 2 years in team history, I had worked hard as an editor for my school's newspaper and yearbook, I could go on and on (Btw, I saw the "one man's safety is another man's first choice, so before you slam me for complaining about going to WUSTL or Emory, realize that no matter where your sights are set, it's all relative, and the realization of having to attend a safety is the same whether your safety is in the top 20 or a community college) The idea that I hard worked so hard, been encouraged so much to pursue these schools, and then be told that I would have to settle for the ones I liked the least was heartbreaking to say the least. I had enjoyed my visits to WUSTL and Emory, and had in my mind the clear hierarchy between the two, but obviously in january, it never occured to me that I would <em>actually</em> have to choose between these institutions. No matter how much a safety mimics your top schools, it will always have the sour taste in your mind of being "your safety" which carries the baggage of all the connotations of being a lesser school, in all senses, than what you really want. </p>

<p>I feel like "love your safety" is a nearly impossible goal. As I think some people may be alluding to here, the appropriate phrase is more like "tolerate your safety". Would I have been happy at either WUSTL or Emory, most likely yes, however, when you are going through the process, you never want to admit to yourself that you would have to choose amongst your safeties (at least I certainly didnt. Although I wonder if in retrospect I had the wrong mindset since I was convinced I wouldnt even have to choose among the schools that tied for 2nd on that list)</p>

<p>So if your children along with their counselors and you choose schools that are similar to their reaches, but don't actually say they like them, don't worry, I'm sure they would be happy there even if they don't know it yet.</p>

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<p>Very helpful to hear one hard-working student's personal outcomes and reactions...glad you posted. As a parent of a son still in HS, I have to keep Reality Checks in place no matter how my S manages re personal stats by senior year and your story is quite eye-opening and gives a parent pause to reflect on building reasonable goals and not loading up only on colleges with ridiculous admit rates. (Even Wash U can be quite difficult to predict with students with great records!)
Hope you are having a fabulous experience at Brown with friends and faculty. Let's not ever discount the efforts you made to go for Reaches, though..you did a great job to get yourself where you are today. enjoy what Brown has to offer and thanks for the post</p>

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<p>I~Brown provides good insights. I think this student's experience highlights part of the essential problem with "safeties." It is probably not the schools, themselves, which are or would be a disappointment - if carefully chosen as this student's safeties were. </p>

<p>It is the huge disappointment of having only the "lesser" schools (not lesser in an absolute sense, but lesser in the relative sense) to choose from. The rejection from the most sought after. The rejection from the hardest to attain. This disappointment is real. Getting over this is a separate process from embracing the safety.</p>

<p>Some of us have tried to mitigate this aspect by a change in nomenclature - call it a "sure bet," not a "safety." But that may be a futile effort. Getting into only 1 or 2, of your 8 or 10 or 12 schools, will hurt. But if that is your fate, the Love Thy Safety mantra comes into play so that, once you've licked your wounds, you have a school which is as close a fit with your preferences as possible.</p>

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<p>i applied a large number of schools, and looking back, i wish i hadn't applied to so many...i ultimately wasted a ton of money, time, and energy doing apps for schools that i realized i wouldn't go to even if i got into them...for the op, if your son has no interest in these schools, and, like another poster said, wouldn't go to college if they were the only ones he got into, maybe he really doesn't need to apply there...
maybe the time, energy, and money would be better spent in looking for other safeties that he likes better</p>

<p>but i must also concur that schools seem so different once you've already gotten into them, so your son may very well fall in love with one of his safeties after decisions come out</p>

<p>best of luck! :)</p>

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<p>My D had a couple of State schools as safeties. She surely did not want to attend, but it was a good feeling anyway when the acceptances came in the mail. It kinda offset some of the rejections.</p>

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<p>I think "tolerate your safety" is more realistic than "love thy safety" for many students who populate this board unless the safety is a dramatically good fit in one way or another.</p>

<p>Thanks for posting your experience, IWBB.</p>

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<p>I don't know how relevant this is, but I am in the situation where I can't stand my safety school. It's not that I did a poor job picking safety schools (I had 2, one I would have liked to attend) but the most safe school simply had to be there and was the only school I could attend. Take a careful look into financial safety schools becasue that is the one I had to end up attending. Despite being accepted to most of my reaches (top 20 LACs) who covered 100% of aid, when it came down to decision day, my parents told me they would pay $600 of their $18,000 EFC every year. Needless to say I have to attend a third tier university while living with my parents in order to go to school without graduating with over $70,000 in loans. The point of this is that you may hate a safety but have no other viable option. There is still hope. Do everything you can and try to make the best of any situation. If anyone has experienced my type of situation, I can say that it is not the best feeling when students with fewer ECs, lower grades and lower SAT scores are attending much better schools than I am becasue their parents are doctors. But remember, it is always possible to transfer after attending your safety becasue you can't pay or were not accepted to your first choice. It is very hard to love to go somewhere that you never wanted to attend, but there is a positive in any situation.</p>

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<p>lookin4aschool - I am very sorry that your parents didn't tell you from the outset how much they were willing to contribute - it was unfair to you, because if you had known you might have at least been able to look at some alternative schools that perhaps would have offered good merit aid, even full tuition scholarships. Those schools would not have offered the prestige of the top 20 LAC's, but they may have at least offered a better fit. Part of the admonition to "love thy safety" is to pick a school that you know you will be comfortable attending, even if it is far from being your dream school.</p>

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<p>If you are just "tolerating" your safeties, you probably haven't spent enough time looking for good ones. If a student has the stats to be a semi-competitive candidate at an elite school, there are another 2000+ colleges that would fall into the safety category for that student. Many of those will be financial safeties, too.</p>

<p>I don't know how to prevent the "fell in love with one school" syndrome, but there are really lots of colleges that are likely to be a great fit for any given student.</p>

<p>If you find yourself with a safety that you don't like, ask yourself what you like about your top choice schools (other than pure prestige) that your safety lacks, and then look for a new safety that has what the first one was missing. If the difference IS mainly prestige, then you need to do some thinking about priorities...</p>

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<p>Most things involving my son, including the college application process, tend to be difficult. However, we are very fortunate that he came up with a safety that is exciting to him and to us. He has applied ED to a highly selective school where he is an athletic recruit. We hope that works out for him. If it doesn't, there are other applications either in or ready to go. There is an acceptance to Indiana (with some money) in hand. HOWEVER, it is University of Georgia that is the safety he loves. He hasn't visited, but has done a lot of research on the academic programs and the social life, and he believes he could be very happy there. He would be a welcome non-scholarship walk-on in his sport. It doesn't have many of the things which led to the choice of his ED school, but it has a number of other things that are really neat- including nice weather, big-time sports and a good honors program. He has a list of schools that includes Chicago, Tufts, Williams, Davidson, U of Texas (our state school) and Colgate, but the school we will most regret saying goodbye to will be Georgia.</p>

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<p>I feel for both of the above posters. I did suggest both WUSTL and Emory to my S, thinking of them more as 'matches'. (The state U's honors program was the only safety for S). I've only heard good news about those schools. If one was interested in med school, being outstanding in either one could help in admissions. The poster could possibly have grown to enjoy either school, but always feel he was short-changed.
Its been said so many times that it is a cliche. Everyone should know what parents are willing to finance, and then plan accordingly.</p>

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<p>im probably the epitome of loving my safety... my two safety schools are my top two choices</p>

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<p>I think the sentiments expressed by several of the students above is typical for many. That is why I started a similar thread last year...I felt that the concept of "love thy safety" was something that parents on this forum were working very hard to promote because it could fend off disappointment and heartache, but I wasn't sure that most kids, if truth be told, really would feel this way. While some seem to truly embrace their so-called safety, it often seems to be human nature to want that which is most difficult to attain. I think that the best approach for parents is two pronged: support the student who wants to reach and is willing to risk, while at the same time help him/her select safer bets that will be as good a fit as possible. And communicate a really positive take on those safe bets--point out their assets and be genuinly interested in those schools. And then, let your kid be real about his/her feelings: if s/he still expects to be disappointed with the safety, so be it...you'll cross that bridge when you come to it. And, if it turns out that the safety is where your child ends up, in the vast majority of cases, the student not only adapts but thrives.</p>

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<p>Having seen older kids of friends wind up with <em>one</em> choice only, I was determined that my D have 3 safeties so that at least she could "pick" something.</p>

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<p>I have 1 absolute safety and 2 more that are safe enough to be called safeties. I like having options, even if my safeites are my options, like SBmom insisted for her D.</p>