<p>Well, if when you dropped your child off and moved them into their new school, all the dreams and excitement about that day over the last 2 years just crumbled and blew away with the wind and you left a very sad looking child that said she don't know if she would fit in? Then the next day they called and said the same thing and that they did not like it? What would you do? This is a child that is very smart, motivated, driven, well liked but not a social butterfly (other than very close friends she left behind), loves art, chess, music, science and math but is not your social butterfly. Never had trouble fitting in before....now this? What do you do? I feel so sick....leaving her there like that. Words of wisdom for me?</p>
<p>Don't worry. EVERY kid is new to the school. Sure, some kids will come with established connections, and some kids are naturally quicker at making friends, but in the end everyone at college will find friends. It takes some time. Your child will feel better once she starts talking to the people around her. Encourage her to introduce herself to people (e.g., people in her residence hall) and open up. She will be fine. College isn't like high school. With thousands of diverse people around you it's impossible not to make friends.</p>
<p>Well, I don't think that you can determine how happy she will be in 2 days. She may just feel very nervous, and needs to meet some people with like interests. I will say that I know someone who did not fit into their school that well, last year. The students were mainly from rich families, students attended private prep hs, and he went to a public and was from an upper middle class family. After several months he found some students who became friends, and he told his parents that it would be alright to stay there. His parents felt that he should not stick out anything, and that he should enjoy his experience. The school he was attending was too small for his liking, and too isolated. He transferred to a large city school, and will begin this year. That said, your D may end up being very happy. Two days, IMO, is not enough time to judge too much.</p>
<p>Tell your child that the first few (Orientation) days at college are atypical. They are not representative of college life. In fact, they are more like camp than college. Social butterflies love Orientation. Introverts are appalled.</p>
<p>Orientation does have one useful purpose, though (besides placement tests and paperwork). There is usually some sort of activities fair where every organization on campus (and possibly every organization in the free world) sets up a table and tries to get people to sign up to participate in things. Tell your child that it would be a good idea to put her name on several lists -- especially if there is a chess club or art club or something like that. This will give her an additional opportunity to meet like-minded people. There ARE like-minded people on every campus. It's just that the moths who will eventually be your child's friends are less conspicuous than the butterflies who seem to dominate life right now. It takes a while to find the moths because they are camouflaged. </p>
<p>Things will get better when classes start.</p>
<p>Remind your d. that adjustments take time, and she should try to hold off making judgements at this point. She should focus on picking her courses, getting settled in, and she should join some extra-curricular group(s). With all your daughter's interests, it shouldn't be hard to find some like-minded kids to whom she will connect. Finally, her negative reaction could really just be separation reaction in disguise. Keep in close touch if she seems to want it, and just keep telling yourself not to take this early reaction too seriously. By Thanksgiving, she might well be totally in love with her school.</p>
<p>This reminds me of the rules at a summer camp S attended in 5th grade: the camp does not allow campers to call home during the frist week, nor does it let parents to call or visit the first weekend. This allows campers to focus on the here and now--the camp, the experience, the fellow campers-- and not to give in to homesickness. At the end of 3 weeks, campers generally report having a fabulous time.</p>
<p>At the risk of overgeneralizing, I think almost everyone has moments of regret and homesickness (for home, friends, pets or whatever was left behind) during the first few weeks of college. Some may even take a semester or two to settle in.</p>
<p>Even though my college days were many years ago, I can still remember calling home with my sad tales of loneliness and nervousness. Usually I would hang up and be ready to try again, rejuvenated from the conversation with my family. On the whole, I think college kids want us to listen, sympathize, and offer words of encouragement during these first weeks. A heartfelt "I know you can do this" does more good than we imagine.</p>
<p>Salem, I think DJR4 is exactly right: I suspect EVERY new college student goes through a little bit of this. Some of the incidents may happen immediately, with others, perhaps a week or two or three into it when the newness has worn off. </p>
<p>What seems to differ is the extent to which parents find out about it, and I think your daughter is communicating with you more than some might. </p>
<p>Words of encouragement help a lot; not "big picture" speeches but rather small, supportive statements of positive reinforcement through each call. </p>
<p>Chances are great that her next call (or perhaps the third or fourth one after) your daughter will be excited, bubbling and happy again.</p>
<p>Salem if I remember correctly your DD is at NCSSM, a 2-year math and science high school? Since it is only 2 years and if she is truly unhappy she can return to her local neighborhood high school. However, she should give it some time and see if it works out.</p>
<p>My son too had the opportunity to attend NCSSM and turned it down in favor of his local high school. His non-attendance did not seem to affect his acceptances last fall to MIT, CalTech, Duke, the academies and others.</p>
<p>The advice of other posters is in general sound advice which can be applied to a boarding high school.</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>It takes everyone a while to adjust to a new environment. Many students don't find their niche until second semester. Also, lots of times when students are anxious and concerned, they vent their concerns, and want reassurance. They don't want Mom to act like their fears are real.</p>
<p>Think about situations in which you went into new environments. Didn't you have some concerns at first? That's perfectly normal.</p>
<p>Ok, so I'm an adult, but I had the very same sensation back in 1997 when I moved more than 50 miles to a new county, new town, and to a new job. I didn't know anyone, and I felt alone. And I AM a social butterfly.</p>
<p>As I walked into my new office building I felt a hollow feeling in my stomach. I was out of my mind, I thought. I wasn't "qualified" for this job that I had been headhunted for. I certainly didn't fit in to this new town. I was from "the city" not a suburb of single family houses with neat lawns and clean children! I was a retired hippie, not a suburban housewife!</p>
<p>ACK!</p>
<p>Ok, so that was almost 10 years ago. The job is no longer, but it was just about the most successful I had ever been (actually the next job was!). I found true love, my D THRIVED in her new school where she made friends galore, I found other retired hippies, and like-minded citizens, I now live in a single family home, with a lava rock garden and a lovely water fountain that lulls me to sleep at night. I feel safe, and really truly love this place. </p>
<p>The common thread here is that we ALL at one time or another feel like the odd man out. Don't let your own insecurities fuel those that your D may be experiencing at this time.</p>
<p>When I went to college (the first time, 1977) I didn't think I could make it. I'd barely made it out of HS, and you know what? I didn't make it. Then. It took until 2001 until I was ready for college. I just graduated, cum laude, from Chapman University. I am successful and happy.</p>
<p>I will NEVER ask my D "are you sure you can handle this?" She can and she will, and if she doesn't? Oh well. Life will go on. </p>
<p>Just make note, that kids (even the grown up ones) pick up on our cues. If we're nervous and anxious, they will be too. If we show them we believe in their abilities, they will too!</p>
<p>Your D will be fine. By mid-terms she'll be ensconced in school work, and friendships galore.</p>
<p>I promise.</p>
<p>I absolutely love school, but the first semester was difficult at times. Even only being an hour or so away from home, it was a big adjustment, particularly for someone who wasn't an extrovert. All I can say is that it gets easier as the superficial friendships turn into real ones over time. It is also better not to expect school to be the best experience of your life right away. Somehow, high school kids have this assumption (and I would imagine kids going to boarding school are the same way) that you are supposed to feel liberated, adult, and happier than ever before immediately. The truth is, all of my friends had some tough times at the beginning, whether or not they wanted to admit it regularly.</p>
<p>I do have to say, however, that I don't think I would have been ready to live away from home at 16. By college, I was ready. Two years earlier, just thinking about leaving home gave me panic attacks. My friends who went to boarding school loved it, but it isn't for everyone.</p>
<p>My son who is convinced he will hate all the orientation activities (Why does it have to be 5 days!) because he is social, but always hated those contrived things. He was laughing today at a family party though while other "veteran" college students reminised about their first years. Some roommate horror stories were funny now and they reassured him even the "coolest" kids are afraid and the most popular ones in high school are hit the hardest sometimes. Their base is gone and they have to start all over again. My son had his 2 closest friends move his junior year, so he wont have that now, just a hope for new and interesting encounters. Usually in the end, most kids adjust. I plan on being a good ear when needed as my mom was with me.</p>
<p>My D was attended a "selective" 11th grade only program away from her hs during her jr. yr. as well. Although she was not homesick, there were days she was definitely sick of the roommates etc. By the end of the program in June, she didn't want to go back to her regular hs.</p>
<p>I recently graduated from NCSSM and I've got to say, that place provides some amazing opportunities both academic and otherwise (for free, nonetheless!). It just takes some time to adjust to. During my junior year, I was on a hall with over fourty students and it took me over two months to really get to know just everyone I lived with. But they turned out to be some of the greatest/friendliest/smartest/most motivated kids I've ever met.</p>
<p>So to answer your question: Don't do anything, just tell her to hang in there. It's perfectly normal to feel a bit sad and lonely the first few days, but it definitely gets better. With all the unique and quirky kids who attend that school, I would find it hard to believe that your daughter can not find at least a few people on hall or around campus to fit in with.</p>
<p>Heck I went to boarding school as a junior in high school and I felt homesick until Thanksgiving! (and I mean, crying, not eating, etc....)--then after a few days at home at Thanksgiving, everything felt just fine. I'm not saying that your daughter will or will not, ultimately, be fine, but even a fairly long bout of homesickness and feeling like you're not belonging isn't the end of the world.</p>
<p>there is so much build up to going off to college -- i think it is easy for kids to forget that they are embarking on something entirely foreign from anything they have experienced before (no matter how many times they've gone to sleep away camp or other experiences away from home) -- and then they're there and it hits them and it can be quite a shock.</p>
<p>its still very early -- he needs to find his nitch. if he's lucky if may take days, or it may take weeks or longer. my daughter had a friend who was miserable her entire first semester -- now after a year, can't wait to return to her school. hopefully he will keep himself open to meeting people, joining groups where he is likely to meet those with similar interests - no need to be a social butterfly -- just need to find those handful of kids who approach things like he does.</p>
<p>there may be a point at which you will have to deal with the issue of whether there is something seriously wrong - eg, is he depressed, does he have the roommate from hell, is this simply the wrong school for him -- but you aren't at that point yet, and hopefully you won't get there.</p>