<p>Several threads have themes, it seems, of kids who are/were unhappy at their colleges. For some, I guess it remains to be seen whether this is a temporary or permanent funk.</p>
<p>Those of us who are 2010 parents and students will have to narrow down the choices soon enough. I'm wondering if there's a pattern and what we should be looking for when making a final decision. Reasons I can come up with for why the college experience didn't pan out as they thought it would:</p>
<p>1) Chased the money and ignored the issue of "fit."
2) Thought they wanted to move far from home and then got homesick.
3) Unprepared for the rigor of this particular college
4) Bored by lack of rigor at this particular college.
5) Underestimated some aspect of college -- what it would be like to live in a totally different climate/culture, thought they could live in a heavy Greek system and then regretted it, thought they wanted small but soon felt suffocated/thought they wanted big but then felt lost.</p>
<p>Can anyone share their stories about what they would have done differently? Or does someone want to share what they think they did well?</p>
<p>My son felt that the importance of the Greek culture was very under-emphasized by his school (Penn) and that he would consider pledging instead of being obnoxiously anti-Greek if he had to do it again. It all sorted out by soph year, but freshman year he was not happy and felt pledging/rush dominated everything. He also expected more intellectualism from Day 1 (didnāt find it until soph year) and better professors for intro classes. He came from an excellent prep boarding school where almost every teacher was outstanding and there was a lot of philosophical discussions and love of learning.</p>
<p>Iāll bite, my first kid, pre-CC current levels of activity and advice about fit, ignored ALL parental input on schools to which she should apply (and to be fair, we did not fully understand financial safeties until we saw it happen and the rules are different now, so more privates would be safer since they now mostly limit home equity in the formula)</p>
<p>She ended up at her financial safety, her one and only financial safety. She had a couple of more prestigious privates, but they were too pricey. It was a difficult time for other reasons- all the reasons she would not listen in the first place and I think she was embarrassed to end up at a UC when she had more āfancyā options. I think she never gave it a full chance, but also a big UC, a heavy heavy concentration of an ESL ethnic group in her chosen major ( a very tough gunner filled major with crazy curves made her doubt her abilities, too!), a mainly commuter campus (even kids far from home end up living off campus after the first year) and her lack of interest in exploring fit of a safety plus her desire to not be in a small school where 'every body knows your name" like her HS put her in a place that was easy to be lost.</p>
<p>It took her the entire time there to get over the frustrations and find her passion. She did luck into a GE class that she loved, ended up double majoring and now is doing a PhD in her 2nd major, which also uses many skills from her first major.</p>
<p>It was not a pleasant journey, but in hindsight, the only thing we could have done spring of grade 12 was to have her take a year off and reapply and find āherselfā and her fit. I donāt know how we could have forced her to find her fit. </p>
<p>She was also far from where we were living, yet was in the area where she was born and had grandparents & aunts & uncles for support, but it was hard to get home to us.</p>
<p>I think the biggest issue was just that she did not yet know what she really wanted, who she really was, she wanted to be be successful at something, but did know what area she wanted and she floundered a bit emotionally whilst awaiting that discovery!</p>
<p>She transferred from an LAC to a mid-sized U. Her problem (one that I think is relatively common among students who transfer out of small schools) was that she did not understand the predominant social culture at her LAC, and the social fit turned out to be very poor. </p>
<p>My strong advice: Students who are thinking about LACs (and small universities, too ā any school with a population under about 4000) should figure out the schoolās prevailing culture before deciding to attend. Do an overnight visit during an ordinary time ā not during an event designed to court admitted-but-not-committed students. If you fit in, great. Even if you donāt fit in, if you are content to be part of a smaller subculture outside the mainstream, things can work out, too. But know what youāre getting into.</p>
<p>Speaking not of my children but of me, Iād put my freshman year unhappiness in the category of not fitting in with the predominant culture of the school (LAC). It did work out OK and I found people eventually, but I probably would have been happier in a less fratty college.</p>
<p>Hereās another aspect. Overall, I think students who arrive at college with a wide range of experiences living with other people have a much easier time than those who do not. Both of my DDs had been on workcamps, music trips, mission trips, sports camps, etc., before they were college students. One D did American Music Abroad and traipsed over Europe rooming with three other girls on a limited amount of sleep. They were better prepared for living with other people, sharing bathrooms, and quite frankly, being irritated with other people when sharing close quarters and somehow seeing beyond the immediate irritation. Some of those experiences were less than positive, but they only lasted a couple of weeks or less. So while this advice might not apply to you, for our parents with younger kids I would highly recommend having them spend time away from home with other people in perhaps mildly stressful situations.</p>
<p>My daughter had acceptances to her #1 and #2 schools. #2 offered a major scholarship, #1 offered (comparatively) very little. The money is seductive to those that receive the big scholarships. She went off to #2. She did not like the predominate culture of the school. She made some good friends and actually attended the first semester of sophomore year and transferred out to her original #1 choice for her second semester of sophomore year. She is extremely happy and engaged at her current school and will graduate this May.</p>
<p>I think she fits under #1 (chased the money, ignored fit), #4 (lack of rigor) and #5 (underestimated some aspect of the collegeās culture).</p>
<p>Both of our kids have gone away every summer for various ballet camps or leadership conference. Sometimes theyāll get a bad roommate or not liking some people they are with. More often than not, they have found ways to over come those problems. It included calling home crying to me a few times. When D1 went off to college, she was in some ways preparing for the worst - noisy dorm, bad food, cold weather also. We tried to anticipate some things that could bother her the most. I bought a Bose noise cancellation earphone for her, it was a life (sleep) saver for her. She likes a lot of fruit and to eat by herself in the morning (not a morning person), so we got her a refridge and had weekly grocery delivered to her, we got fewer meal plan for her. I was the one that insisted on getting her a single to give her a place to retreat.</p>
<p>She thought she wanted to go far from home, but ended up only 3.5 hours from her. At the end, she was happy with the distance. She always insisted on a large school instead of LAC. I think it was the right decision. At a small LAC, itās great if itās the right culture for you, otherwise it could be very lonely or boring. D1 at a large university, as a Junior, already feels it maybe time to move on.</p>
<p>I think, too, it is in part personality dependent. My unhappy one is generally much less able to just ignore annoyances than her sisters. My other two have had unhappy moments, but dealt with them better due to their personalities. Picky girl wanted that āperfect collegeā experience, so had unrealistic expectations and was less flexible in adapting.</p>
<p>Dāfirst school felt apathetic toward the larger world and issues, plus had a high level, out-of-control disfunctional drinking culture. A very bad fit. Transfered to an LAC which spoke to her values and interests, and a more diverse social culture. Loved it and had a great experience.</p>
<p>SāOn leave from a school he naively felt to be all about ālife of mindā and ultimately put off by the pre-professional, big-bucks-oriented mindset that he found to be prevalent.</p>
<p>For me, itās a blend of #2 and #5, and #3/#4 I didnāt chase the money(quite the opposite actually). Unfortunately, the āfitā doesnāt seem right either. I moved 5 hours away from home to a totally new area. I thought I would enjoy living here, but itās uncomfortable. Itās a very different culture even though Iām still in the same state. The campus culture is more focused on drinking/drugs than I thought it would be. In my opinion, itās much too small. There are some campus activities, but the campus feels dead on the weekends. Iām not the most extroverted of people, so perhaps thatās part of the problem as well. Usually my roommates and I find something to do together (staying in for the day, going out to eat, painting). We usually stick together since no oneās found a larger group/goes partying. </p>
<p>In terms of academics, my classes can be either overly challenging, dull, or a combination of the two. My major classes are much better. I think most of my academic unhappiness will worth itself out in time(assuming I can avoid the bad profs and actually get the classes I need). The campus culture is just a way of life, unfortunately. </p>
<p>I think itās important to get as true a feel of a college as possible. In my experience, my college tours/visits werenāt accurate enough. If I could do it again, I would probably choose a larger university in a more urban area.</p>
<p>Catching up on this thread, but had to give a shout-out to workinprogress for that piece of advice. Weāve had each of our sons spend three summers at an extended away camp, and theyāve gotten to experience community baths, private baths, laundry rooms, boring campus food. Iām not worried about the actual living in a dorm aspect at all. Back to reading ā¦</p>
<p>I knew that my school was a questionable fit before I enrolled, but I was reluctant to take out $80k in loans to attend a more prestigious school. At first, things were tolerable-- I found a small group of like-minded friends, and I usually had one or two engaging and challenging classes each semester. I wasnāt happy with the campus atmosphere, but I thrived academically.</p>
<p>Fast forward a few years. Iām now a senior who is pretty unhappy because I feel that Iāve hit a glass ceiling with what I can learn in undergraduate classes, and I just canāt relate to the majority of students on my campus. I TA and am working on an independent research project, but I still have to finish the classes for my second major. They are tedious and repetitive, and I believe I have the highest grade in every class. I just have to get my diploma, and then I can move on to the graduate level in a year or two.</p>
<p>I guess I learned to make do; I couldnāt afford to pass up the scholarship package. I have a few close friends with similar interests. Iām taking a graduate class next semester, even though the professor warned me that I will probably have a stronger background than the other students. Also, I decided to pick up a third language for the heck of it-- if Iām going to be bored, I might as well be bored and trilingual. When I visited campus, the scholarship committee told us that we could create our own academic experience through research, TAing, etc., while still fitting into the campus culture. I suppose thatās true to an extent, but it also leads to a very isolating experience when one ends up on a different academic level than the other students. My university has given me a lot of academic support, but I doubt I would go back to my school if I could do it again.</p>
<p>Thanks, everyone, for the responses. Itās on my mind because today ds is making his second visit to a far-away LAC in a remote area. When he saw it last summer, it was love at first sight. I wonder how much to point out the cons. Just today his first flight got so delayed that he would miss his connection, and I had to tell him how to get moved to another flight, blah blah blah. He wonders why he couldnāt get a direct flight ā uh, that costs more money, thatās why not. If he think he still LOVES this school and the moneyās there, then do I let him go, even if Iām not sure itās the best alternative? Thatās rhetorical, but thatās why Iāve been thinking about the issue.</p>
<p>From what Iāve been able to see on other threads, NONE of the situations cited by the OP is the most common cause of unhappiness.</p>
<p>Instead, itās āI havenāt made any friends. Iām lonely here, and I have nothing to do on Friday and Saturday nights.ā</p>
<p>Perhaps this is an issue that families should think of more when planning for college.</p>
<p>For example, students often say (and parents tend to agree) that they will hold off on joining extracurricular activities or getting an on-campus job until after the first semester, so that they can see what the academic workload is like before making other commitments. But perhaps this is the wrong advice. ECs and jobs offer opportunities to meet people ā an important plus for students who donāt happen to āclickā with the other students who live near them in the dorm.</p>
<p>Similarly, students are often reluctant to attend colleges where many people from their high school are going ā and parents often agree. But maybe knowing several people on campus is a good idea. Each of you will meet people, and you already know each other. You could have a circle of acquaintances, at least, before youāre done unpacking.</p>
<p>This might also be a good thing for high school seniors to ask older siblings and friends about. What did they do when they first arrived at college to meet people and make friends? What strategies worked and what didnāt?</p>
<p>Good point, marian. I think part of my no. 5 was meant to speak to that ā if everyone is Greek and you donāt want to be, then maybe you didnāt realize just how much that campus is run by the Greeks.</p>
<p>Ds is in at his safety, and several other kids he knows may end up there. I asked him whether heād want to room with someone he knows or take his chances with a stranger. He was really torn about that. I get the sense he wants to branch out, but that built-in safety net looks mighty attractive.</p>
<p>One of the things I really like about a couple of the LACs heās looking at is that they have freshmen orientation trips run by upperclassmen before most of the students are on campus. Seems like a great way to find some of your people.</p>
<p>D is very happy in large part because she left high school behind. Not that she doesnāt miss her very close friends, but because she has made an effort to seek out new friends and find new experiences. She knew going in as the only student from her H.S attending her college that she would need to do that. Interestingly her 3 best friends also chose schools where they were the only ones or one of a very few from their H.S. and they are all happy, too.</p>
<p>Some of the most unhappy students I know are those who attended colleges with a large number of their H.S. classmates. They seem less motivated to meet new people and end up feeling like a group of little fish in a big pond. I have had a number of parents of these students tell me that their child misses high school terribly and that they are not happy.</p>
<p>It does seem odd that the students who attended with friends are not as happy, doesnāt it?
Not at all what I expected, but I am going by what her classmates parents are telling me.</p>
<p>It can be more of a safety net if they donāt room together. Each of them would likely be in a different dorm, where he might make friends with his dorm neighbors. And any friendships made in the dorm would likely include the high school friend, too, especially if they spend a good deal of time together. Think of it as doubling the opportunity to meet compatible people.</p>
<p>My daughter and a close high school friend ended up at the same college. They did not live in the same dorm as freshmen. As it happened, my daughter did not āclickā with any of her dorm neighbors, but her friend did. My daughter was easily absorbed into the group of friends that formed in the other girlās dorm, and most of these people are still friends now, two years later.</p>
and I think she was embarrassed to end up at a UC when she had more āfancyā options. I think she never gave it a full chance, but also a big UC, a heavy heavy concentration of an ESL ethnic group in her chosen major ( a very tough gunner filled major with crazy curves made her doubt her abilities, too!), a mainly commuter campus (even kids far from home end up living off campus after the first year) and her lack of interest in exploring fit of a safety plus her desire to not be in a small school where 'every body knows your name" like her HS put her in a place that was easy to be lost.</p>