<p>ps…Jena, great news on your phone call today. Sounds like your son just wants to mull things over a bit, glad he’ll have the time to do that!</p>
<p>Well you set yourself up for all of this I’m afraid. First of all, your DS should be able to deal with all this himself. You should not be responding for him. If he’s bright enough to study engineering or any freshmen course, he should certainly be able to pick a college and respond to one of them.<br>
Also, why are you and he sending in money to schools he is uncertain he wants to attend? I mean come on. Once they accept you, there is a time frame that you have to respond, what’s up with accepting asap and then potentially losing this money?
What’s wrong with your son? You have coddled him and made him feel like he’s a king and now he’s acting like a brat. If I were you I’d sit him down and let him know that you are done with his antics. Have him pick a school, accept, send in the money himself when he’s ready and if he misses his deadlines, only warn him 24 hrs in advance.<br>
Let him grow up and stop treating him like he’s 8</p>
<p>I am still shaking my head. None of my kids acted like this and I’ve sent three off to college. They were all a little different but extremely grateful for the opportunity and applied to plenty of colleges as well.</p>
<p>Wow, fullmom, that is a bit harsh of you. Hope the three like to come home too! Have to say I think it’s off the mark to say that if he’s bright enough to study engineering then… My son will also be in engineering, has been admitted to two honors programs already, one with scholarship; and he is not an adult yet. Being bright doesn’t mean that these kids are ready for the full emotional impact of everything this endeavor entails. I do not coddle, nor do I helicopter; but I cut him some slack. Yes, we all grew up (most of us) differently. I worked (long hours) from the age of 12 and put myself through college working full time and did it in four years. I take offense to your comment about helping a child means they are being treated like they are 8. They are young adults with emotions and feelings and hopes and dreams, not robots.</p>
<p>sorry if it sounds harsh. And trust me, my kids, nor I, were perfect. Didn’t want to be. But just because her post sounds typical (which I think is pretty sad when you get right down to it) doesn’t mean it’s good for anyone.<br>
When my kids went off to college they called me about kids like this. They’re smart and perfectly capable but rather than muddle through and figure things out, they’re the first to call home and ask what they should do. And they’re hopeful that mom/dad will figure it out.<br>
All I’m suggesting is to have a frank discussion with her son and have him handle as much is as humanly possible. It’s so much better for her son in the long run.<br>
My kids were doing their laundry, cleaning their rooms, learning to cook, handling their money and bank accounts, working, playing sports and being silly and crazy at every given chance.
I’ll bet anything that the mom’s intentions are terrific and she’s super caught up in the excitement of it all. I would bet that part of her sons problem stems from feeling 1/2 like a adult (that he’ll soon be expected to be at college) and 1/2 like a kid trying to grow up and his mom would do him a world of good to let him take over, albeit minus missing deadlines.</p>
<p>For the record, my kids do like to come home, but at this age (and again I think it’s normal) they’d rather be with friends off at school or at their apt now that they are out and working.<br>
And it was a bit bumpy when we had to cut the apron strings but they did end up growing because of it and now make really good choices it seems.
Yes, senior year can be screwy, but I would bet there is nothing wrong with her son other than needing some gentle guidance and lots of independence and hopefully a frank discussion about finances before any papers are signed.</p>
<p>Good points, and totally agree with you about giving them the gift of self reliance. Was thinking that five minutes ago while picking up towels from the floor. We were just talking at a dinner party this past weekend about the lessons we learned dealing with flat tires and broken down cars on highways with no cell phones for quick rescues. The first time I called my parents after leaving for college was to tell them what time my train was getting in for Thanksgiving. You do have some good points, I’m going to put those towels back on the floor and he can deal with them when he gets home from practice! Thanks for the nudge…</p>
<p>Kids respond differently to the pressure of moving out and moving on with their lives. When they sound a little crazy and threaten to push you beyond your tollerance level, take a deep breath and envision how peaceful and quiet your house will be next fall; by then, if the kid in question hasn’t figured out how to deal with their own problems they will have only their peers to listen to their ranting and raving. It’s amazing how much maturity can be gained by a semester away from home.</p>
<p>That’s why you have your kids do everything. I am the senior (not a parent, but I was interested in this forum) and I literally did EVERYTHING myself. A lot of kids are spoiled at my school and they have their parents take care of everything. Not the case in my house, and I’m proud of it. Not to say that you aren’t a good parent (I am not saying that at all, anyway, who am I to judge), but you should have had your son take care of everything, because then the only person he could be mad at would be himself: no miscommunication.</p>
<p>Yea fullmom!! I wholeheartedly agree.</p>
<p>okay…true story here. My oldest called once sniffling and carrying on about having to withdraw from her class (to the tune of $2500 lost mind you, that sobered me up real quick and was why she was crying in the first place). Oh she carried on for a few minutes about how unfair the prof was and did he know how much she had studied and did I know how hard that class was and maybe she just wasn’t cut out for her major and blah blah blah blah. I gave her a chance to calm down. I waited till there was space to even get a word in edgewise and then I asked her this:</p>
<p>What does your professor think about all this, you know the guy you went to way back when you first started having problems to get help and advice?</p>
<p>What??? Well, I didn’t go see him, he’s a real jerk mom, and so not interested in whether I pass or not and I just know he wouldn’t help me…</p>
<p>So I told her to go see him, cry on his shoulder if need be and call me back after. </p>
<p>She was shocked that I didn’t feel sorry. But I was licking my wounds that day thinking of that dang money down the drain. </p>
<p>My husband did feel sorry, reminded me that I too dropped a class in college and that she was majoring in a field that was a challenge for her. He was much more sympathetic.</p>
<p>She lived. We survived, she took the class over, get this, flunked it again and finally on the third try she passed. I even think she paid us for the 3rd time and currently works in her field, doing fantastic and is loved by her company. </p>
<p>She grew up, landed hard sometimes, but I learned the hard way that they have to figure it out themselves for the most part. </p>
<p>Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer up your advice, just realize that they’ll act like they aren’t listening, sometimes they really aren’t, and then again they are.</p>
<p>To the original poster. I just know this will all have a happy ending. Would love to know what you think of my take on your situation.</p>
<p>And to breathdeeply, good for you, yes let those towel get picked up and clean by your wonderful athlete!!!</p>
<p>^ahhhhh, but fullmom, do you have stories like this involving sons? Sons are a different breed altogether, less communicative, and that what was the core issue for Jena. That’s why eaglemom was giving advice about how to talk to sons.</p>
<p>Sons are different. But kids are also very different from each other.</p>
<p>I bet this mom knows her son well enough to know he’s not generally a spoiled brat, and that this situation is unusual in some way.</p>
<p>With my own son I’ve had much better luck pointing things out to him gently rather than pulling the “tough love” thing. Just his personality. </p>
<p>One size does not fit all! Not all kids are spoiled, with overprotective parents.</p>
<p>Right. I would not have posted this to get help if this was normal behavior for my son. This is something new and totally out of character. He is a proscrastinator as I said, but he always gets it done even if at the last minute. All 3 of my sons are responsible for doing their own laundry, helping out around the house, helping out their grandmother that lives nearby, etc… They are not spoiled brats. I’m a single parent since 2008 and it’s been hard for all of us - but luckily I was always been the primary breadwinner so we kept our house and our way of life (for the most part). I did not buy my kids are car - we share one car. They all will have to contribute in some way to paying for college even if it’s just student loans. The reason for my post is that my son was suddenly not being himself. He seems confused and apprehensive and yet I could not get him to open up about his feelings. </p>
<p>I did tell him that he again has a choice between FSU and UF since the FSU honors thing was back on the table. I told him that he has until the end of April to decide. He smiled for the first time in weeks.</p>
<p>I appreciate all of the advice most of you have given.</p>
<p>Sounds like too much pressure, with acceptances streaming in in Feb. an visits set up same month. Let things simmer. Plan visits next month, or on admitted students’ weekends. </p>
<p>Congrats to you and son</p>
<p>Jena…I started a post but thought you would get mostly supportive ideas but fullmom kinda blew me away with that attitude.</p>
<p>My S was also very even tempered, wonderfully self sufficient, great student…pretty laid back until April of senior year. From our point of view he had great choices–all good–big scholarship at local U and other good programs and acceptance into an expensive top 10 program. All were good, all had pros and cons but none were bad choices so we didn’t see any reason to stress. </p>
<p>We were (we thought) not putting pressure on him but a week before decision time S went through complete breakdown. Our son became a completely different person…a total freak as deadline approached …literally wandered the streets and stayed up for days…grumpy would be an understatement…he seemed unable to articulate what was bothering him but he lashed out at us verbally (unheard of!). we encouraged him to make pro/con lists, talk to friends and teachers, even flip a coin…but he went ballistic even though he knew he was being nuts…H finally cornered him with a large glass of wine and got him to confess that the issue was guilt–how to turn down the full scholarship and go for the more expensive option at the school with the best combination for him…he was ashamed that he wanted to go to the expensive, top 10 school…H and I definitely had a bias for the scholarship option but S’s reasons for the expensive one made a lot of sense…so we worked it out…we are lending him some money for the expensive option and he got some scholarship money and he is working at school…He made the choice that we would not help him for grad school if he took the expensive option and he is at peace with that. .the point was that he calmed down just by telling us what the issue was and we had no idea that he was suffering so much from the pressure since he never seemed t he up tight kind before. College choice was his first major life decision involving thousands of dollars and 4 years of his short life and he wasn’t ready for it…it has worked out wonderfully, but I hope he has learned that he needs to share his burdens and worries with someone… Best of luck with your son…he may go through another bad patch as deadline looms and since it is out of character it is easier to be understanding and supportive rather than “tough love”…</p>
<p>Thank you for your story. The question of money could also be at play here. He was offered a nice scholarship at FSU. Thus far, he has not been offered anything at UF accept his admittance. I told him a while ago, that if he chooses UF, it would mean that he would have to take out student loans to cover the difference because I only have so much money to contribute and that is not changing any time soon. Maybe he is feeling the pinch of being responsible for some of the cost. I have laid it out for him about the student loan limits and how they are paid back (time frame, monthly amount) so maybe that is waying heavy on his mind.</p>
<p>Thanks again!</p>
<p>Jena,</p>
<p>I know you aren’t asking for college advice but I can’t help myself. It is his choice, I know, I know, but I’m going to say it anyway. </p>
<p>When he is sleeping whisper in his ear … </p>
<p>FSU
FSU
FSU</p>
<p>Just trust me on this one.</p>
<p>Since I am from the Northeast and only a transplant to Florida, I was shocked how much peer pressure there is in this state to attend UF. I really did not know the difference between FSU and UF until a couple years ago. I was thrilled when he got accepted info FSU honors with a nice scholarship and then he got a really low housing priority number which would almost guarantee his first choice in dorms. From what I have read, the FSU campus is more compact and easier to navigate. That is where I would prefer that he go but it’s not up to me. I guess at his high school, there is a lot of pressure for kids to go to UF if they have to stay instate as I simply cannot afford the cost of sending him to a school out of state, even with a partial scholarship. I have two other kids to worry about.</p>
<p>Well I feel bad now. Especially since I assumed lots. Sorry about that. Won’t be so quick to assume and will ask more quesitons next time.</p>
<p>Who knows what was up with my response, maybe I was a little cranky? However, if the situation was as I imagined I’d still be inclined to stick with my position. </p>
<p>But it’s obvious now that it isn’t.</p>
<p>If I can add one thing…as is you’d even listen now right? But in case.</p>
<p>Pick the school that offers the most money. Engineering programs vary, I have lots of experience with this, but in the end they are all going to produce someone who’s accredited and then he can work in his chosen field with less debt which always is a good thing.</p>
<p>It’s ok fullmom, I understand how my post could have been interpreted differently from my intended meaning. No worries.</p>
<p>As for picking a school - I will let him decide. He’s been given the necessary information to make an informed decision. If it’s so important to go to UF because of peer pressure, he will have to live with being in debt (more debt) than if he chooses FSU.</p>