<p>My S biggest complaints freshman year - the freshman dorms are located at the top of a very steep hill - although this certainly helped avoid the “freshman 10”. And the machines were always broken in the laundry room. Most of the time there were 2 working washers & dryers for a building with over 200 kids.</p>
<p>LasMa,</p>
<p>Transferring at spring may not provide the change (new friends) she needs. She may need to wait until next fall when she can then participate in some of the “ice-breakers” that many schools provide during the days before classes begin for new students.</p>
<p>In the meantime, can your D just change dorms/roommates? Is there a dorm on campus that has more of a “group suite” style (my kids each have 3 suitemates - so more opportunities for friendships).</p>
<p>Also, if she carefully selects a class or two next semester that will likely provide new friends, that might help. Certain classes seem to be great sources for friendships - such as ones that have a lot of classroom discussion or other classroom activities.</p>
<p>A school’s rec center can also be a source for friends. Working out at the gym or relaxing afterwards by the gym’s juice bar can be another source of friends. My kids have met new friends while studying by themselves in the campus Starbucks.</p>
<p>poetgrl said this:
stringkeymom interpreted as:
</p>
<p>I think the interpretation is completely off. My read on what poetgrl wrote - drinking is all around college campus, doesn’t mean you need to drink, but if you expect to be at a campus where there is absolutely no alcoho/drugs then you are not going to find one to meet your needs. No where in poetgrl’s post did I read that a kid needs to drink or party in order to go to college.</p>
<p>There is a time and place for different discussions. There are more drinking thread than I care to participate. We all have our own style of parenting, and the last thing we need is to have someone come on to lecture us on “what we don’t know.” I think most of us do know, and I for one know what my kids are capable of doing.</p>
<p>“44% of students attending 4-year colleges drink alcohol at the binge level or greater”</p>
<p>And the other 46% have parents on collegeconfindential.com!</p>
<p>Mummom, you are never going to convince some of these people that their kids COULD be binging!</p>
<p>Okay, I’m not gong to post about the drinking thing after this post, but the truth is that there is alcohol on most college campuses. Most of us are at a keyboard AT HOME. We have given our kids our wisdom and our love and we have sent them off to school. They are not here with us, anymore.</p>
<p>I know my D does not drink, but moderate drinking does not bother her, which was my original point on this thread, before I was told that this could not possibly be true, that any kid who does not drink until they are puking must be miserable. I really dislike being told that I don’t know what is happening in my daughter’s life but someone else “is keeping it real.”</p>
<p>I’ve worked with adolescents and thier families for a very long time, now, and I can tell you that there are a lot of issues kids face and drinking is only one of them. I’m really not in the mood to go into a long list, but suffice it to say that a college campus far from home is not the right environment for every kid, and the assumption that the environment should change to “suit” the outlier kids who hate it or can’t fit in when hundreds to thousands graduate each year and go on to live very productive lives is just not realistic.</p>
<p>It is like moving to Tokyo and complaining that everyone speaks Japanese. It’s not reasonable.</p>
<p>As for Stringmonkey’s post…which misrepresented what I said…if there is too much out of control drinking on and around college campuses that is the responsiblity of the schools and the administrations of the schools and not the parents who are frequently in another state or town. You’re there, you deal with it, would be my response.</p>
<p>In the end, if you can’t trust your child to handle themselves when they are away from home, then they are not yet ready to go away. I think what most of us are saying is taht we know our kids. It is offense to act as if you know our kids better than we do. My daughter wants to go dancing and go to the parties and have a good time a couple of times a week. Given that she gets up at 6 am every morning and calls me when she does, I’m pretty sure I know where she is. </p>
<p>Again, good luck to all of you.</p>
<p>Whoa. While I too felt Strongmonkey’s post misunderstood Poetgrl’s post, I have to admit I was a little freaked over the vomit drinking. Eek doesn’t cover it.</p>
<p>As my H has said… At this point in our son’s life, we cannot (nor should we) know everything he is doing. And you can bet some of that is scary as a parent. The only litmus we will have for his success (or lack thereof) are his grades. We can only hope with a little prayer thrown in, that he is making good decisions for the most part. My concern would be if there were absolutely no other choices on campus for a social life beyond drinking, especially so on a small isolated campus. That does not seem even remotely close to the truth where he is.</p>
<p>“And the other 46% have parents on collegeconfidential.com!”</p>
<p>Toledo, your math isn’t so good (should have been 56%), but that is hysterical. My mom was SURE I didn’t drink also! :-)</p>
<p>RE complaint of junk email. Son says his is reaching epic proportions and to the degree that they are warned about H1N1, it has gotten to the point where he no longer attunes to the message! Over saturation for sure, but at the same time worries me that he may no longer be paying attention.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Ummm, sorry but that wasn’t your original point in this thread or if it was, you surely didn’t articulate it well. And no one told you that its not possible that your D went to parties and didn’t drink. What was said was some folks apparantly have blinders on if they believe their child goes to a party and just has a few drinks while everyone else is getting hammered. Its more than likely that there child has engaged it at least occassional binge drinking as well.</p>
<p>And sorry, just because a kid is getting good grades or is an honors student doesn’t mean they haven’t engaged in binge drinking. Now none of this is to say you are wrong about your D. Shoot, my own D would prefer to find a college where drinking is not permitted as she does not partake and has no interest in being around those who do. But your D would be more the exception rather than the rule</p>
<p>see post # 41 for my original post.</p>
<p>D has health issues which would end her in an emergency room if she were drinking. Anything. I know what my own child is doing.</p>
<p>I hope you know what your child is doing, as well. I’m sorry you have to be so worried. I am not.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Thank you for your correction, but more than anything, thank you for your candor.</p>
<p>Way to go, CC, for being such a killjoy!</p>
<p>Here I was, feeling happy that DD calls me every day (sometimes twice a day), just to chat between classes, or to tell me about that “A” she made on her last test, or to pass along something her boyfriend said… Here I was, HAPPY that she was sharing this kind of stuff with me and all along I was wrong, wrong, wrong.</p>
<p>I should be WORRIED that she wants to talk to me so much. It must be an indication that she can’t handle things on her own, or that she has no one else in her life to share these things with!</p>
<p>Sheesh. Oh, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t drink, either. (She’s one of those straight-edge kids, almost stridently so.) Why don’t you all go ahead and tell me how THIS is bad, too?!</p>
<p>Nope. I’m sorry to break it to you Scout, but your daughter is clearly a binge drinker, no matter what you might think. 44% are, you know, and your daughter, I have it on good authority is a binge drinker. There are other parents whose children don’t drink, but they know what their kids are doing. YOU, however, do not. Also, I’m sorry you and your daughter are so close. I think it would be much, much healthier if you could not stand each other. THEN she would be able to be independent and truly free. 
Right? “I know what MY kid is doing. You however do NOT know what your kid is doing.” So, listen up! :eek:</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>LOL</p>
<p>I have 2 sons in college. One calls rather frequently, usually when he’s just gotten a grade and he’s walking across campus. Long ago, he got into the habit of not sharing his grades with classmates (to avoid looking “braggy” and to avoid jealous types). So, when he wants to share his good news, he calls his parents. He knows that we’ll just be happy. My other son is a texter. My phone will buzz and there will be his news written in “kid code”. He calls if he has more to say than, “a chem”…LOL </p>
<p>However…I think the way to have boys who communicate with parents is to start very young. My boys have always shared lots of info with me (much to the amazement of other boys’ moms). Throughout their lives, I’ve taken each boy (one on one) out to lunch or on road trip. These quiet “one on one” events have nurtured an environment where each grew up “talking”. LOL Now that they’re older, I find that late night “one on ones” are wonderful for hearing their thoughts, dreams and hopes.</p>
<p>And the defensiveness continues. No one that I am aware of (especially not me) has accused anyone’s child on this thread of binge drinking. Period. If the defensiveness could be cleared away, a productive discussion might ensue. However, I don’t think that is ever going to happen.</p>
<p>It also might be helpful for those parents who know their kids drink, raised them right and then let them go to Make Their Own Decisions, to keep in mind that parents of nondrinkers have done the same. It would be nice if some parents here could respect the Choices of these kids too–as adults–in the same way they do the drinkers. However, too often the spoken or implicit response is that these kids are being “obedient,” tied to apron strings, Forced against their will to live in sub-free dorms, etc. etc. It’s nasty and uncalled for. And defensive. Then there is the tactic of declaring parents who express concern about the campus culture as being “worried to death” that Their kid might drink, and should keep them at home since “this is life,” despite the fact that this was not the concern of posters early on at all: it was the lack of alternatives to drinking on campus. Nasty. If even a supposed adolescent psychologist can’t separate out these issues, how can we expect anything to change. I personally find it very depressing.</p>
<p>I don’t think hoping your kid isnt on the road to alcoholism is akin to wearing blinders. Just saying. I am not cavalier nor do I turn a blind eye. I believe in a little moderation in the judgement on my college kid. He has gotten better grades, more accolades and had better college options than I ever did (during a time when it was a helluva lot easier to get into some of these schools). I am incredibly proud of him, will invest over 200K in his education (minimally) and believe he knows very well how privileged he is to be there. Perhaps this is why he doesn’t complain to me. But honestly, I don’t think guys are bothered by as many things as the girls. Certainly having a dolt for a roommate is painful, but guys can better ignore it. My ex (met him in college) had a roommate who was the most antisocial being I had ever met. He was practically mute and I have no idea what happened to the guy after that first year. My Ex had no real issues in living with the guy. Me? I moved three times (we were on trimesters and I moved every one) my freshman year until I landed in a single on a primarily black women’s floor. It was the best trimester of the year and I remained really good friends with a lot of them throughout my time there. If nothing else, it really taught me that if you know someone in a lot of context, you can forgive them their ignorance (mine).</p>
<p>I have nothing but respect for kids who do not drink, adults, as well, by the way. I happen to be an adult who does not drink. What I see here is a different dynamic, however…“if you spot it, you got it.” In other words, the defensiveness is not only on the part of the parents who know thier kids drink and believe they do so responsibly.</p>
<p>The issue with the binge drinking and out of control behavior is not an issue about parents, however. As parents, we are not there. It is an issue about the schools and the cultures of the schools. Some schools have heavy drinking cultures and others do not. There is a large variance in this, which is why the statistics are somewhat meaningless. The truth is that unless an institution is willing to address the drinking issue, then nothing will get done. It really has nothing to do with the parents. Parents have no say in what goes on in universities and colleges.</p>
<p>If your kid gets sick? Between them and the professor…needs help? They better be able to find it for themselves. Nobody is taking your calls as a parent, or returning your calls, as a parent. You are not the client, even if you are the one paying the bills. The bills will arrive addressed to your child.</p>
<p>If you want to know what is going on in your child’s life, they will actually have to sign forms to allow you to know. It’s not in the hands of the parents. So, my suggestion to anyone who wants to find a lesser drinking culture for thier kids would be to look for schools where this is the case. They do exist, although they aren’t the “elite” schools, who see no reason to change what they are doing with such a high graduation rate. But, places can be found. </p>
<p>The absolute best defense against this kind of thing, though, starts loooong before the kids go to college, back in kindergarten, and by the time kids leave for college, whether they call you all the time, which I see as a great bonus in life, or do not, which others also see as a great bonus, or not, it is not really in your hands, anymore, as a parent. So, it may be less of a matter of defensiveness than simply knowing what we can and cannot control, understanding that the world is not flawlessly safe, and hoping we have instilled at least enough values in our kids to keep them safe until they realize they are not immortal. Unfortunately, kids mostly learn from thier mistakes. We cannot save them from themselves, just love them.</p>
<p>LOL poetgrl: </p>
<p>“Also, I’m sorry you and your daughter are so close. I think it would be much, much healthier if you could not stand each other.”</p>
<p>Been there, done that. I refer to middle school as “those three years of h*ll”. When we WERE talking to each other (which wasn’t often), we were screaming. Turns out that most of it was just your normal teenage-girl-and-her-mother stuff, but it was so painful at the time. Imagine my delight with the current state of affairs when we talk about everything! (Of course, this was before I found out that we are considered … abnormal.)</p>
<p>Well said, Poetgrl. Very well said.</p>
<p>I will add however that at my son’s school they do seem to be trying to address destructive drinking… hard liquor, pregaming, etc. I have to have a little faith that they are at least trying to bring it out of the closet. Addressed in all kinds of ways on these boards, I honestly believe lowering the drinking age to 19 with a graduated system would go a long way to instill some safer drinking habits of students across this country. </p>
<p>As comparison, I look at my oldest daughter who I would say never drank before she went to college. The thing is, and maybe it’s because she was our oldest, she kind of went a little crazy with the freedom thing when she got there. I used to tell her that she could always use me as an excuse to avoid the peer pressure in HS - which she did. Trouble is, she hadn’t really learned how to say “not tonight,” for her own well being. That is one of the things we did very differently with the two younger ones. Son is very good at managing his time. Excellent, in fact. And while there are good points to saying my mother would kill me when in HS, at college Mom isn’t there - as Poetgrl so adequately points out. They have to make choices for their own welfare. I know my son has a “good time” and probably has had a better time some weekends over others. I am pushing for a proof of life text on Sundays - (in addition to the real conversation which has seemed to land on Thursdays). There is really nothing we can do about what his choices are, but he also knows the level of alcoholism in this family and we’ve talked a lot about the approach to drinking. I can only do my best as a parent, and hold my breath just a little.</p>
<p>The bills may be addressed to the child, but it’s doubtful the child is paying them. :)<br>
I disagree with your entire premise: those who control the purse strings Can attempt to change the culture. At my son’s college we were told that student privacy laws are slowly loosening up since the Virginia Tech shooting a couple of years ago. They actually encouraged communication not just between school and parent, but among school, parent and child. They do want to hear from parents. And no, this is not at BYU or an evangelical Christian school, lol. These schools are out there. I think college administrations are slowly wakening up. If they catch on that parents want change, they may work harder to change. However, I’m not sure that many parents really care; judging from this board and in real life, if they express such concern they are quickly labeled negatively.</p>