According to the experts, these gifts don’t seem to be mandatory and they do seem to be regional.
I entertain many students and do not expect a gift. Most are on limited budgets. A thank you note always impresses me, but I don’t think my kids send real notes anymore. They thank hosts by email as do most of their peers. But, in that case, there really is no excuse for not emailing the next day. imho and lol, because I’m still giving my gown up kids advice on this, or trying to. I am sure there are sites that say thank you notes aren’t mandatory. This I am pretty sure of, it never hurts. Just keep it short and simple. Examples are available on-line.
Guests our age always bring wine to dinner. Lately it’s occurred to me it may have something to do with the fact they usually drink better wine than we do and want to help the meal out.
I used to think the traditional manners my parents and grandparents taught me were pretty essential for social interactions. Then my kids had so many friends in college, and now in the workplace, from non-western backgrounds, that I think at least in some circles, most of what I was taught is really out the window. These days I am not at all sure anything is really expected with regards to table manners. If someone eats like I do, I just think “wow, interesting, wonder where she/he is from”
I raised my girls to be comfortable under any social environment - from formal dinner to casual barbecue. This would include what to wear, what bring and how to interact with people. If they are invited to a more formal sit down dinner, they should ask the host before bringing any food. It is not a good idea to bring cut flowers to dinner parties sometimes because it maybe extra work for the host to have to find a vase and arrange flowers when he/she is busy preparing the meal.
First of all, I doubt many hosts consider it an obligation for their guests to bring wine. Secondly, if you are a “teetotaler,” I imagine any host who knows that would certainly never expect it of you, particularly if you have a religious or philosophical objection to alcohol.
I’ve had people bring me a candle or potpourri, chocolates or other dessert, and on a few occasions, a cute set of cocktail napkins with amusing sayings on them, or themes of DH’s or my alma mater. These were all gratefully received, and I have never felt ill used because the guest didn’t bring wine instead, or anything at all for that matter.
Both of my D’s turned 21 during their junior year, so they could bring wine if they were willing to part with the money. If they had been invited to a prof’s house for dinner, I would have encouraged them either to bring a small gift, or at minimum, write a sincerely worded thank you card after the fact. Any student can write a few words of thanks to their host, no matter their financial situation.
D2 loves to cook, so she often has dinner parties for her gang of friends. She has a nice grill and perfect house/yard for hosting, so this is usually where everyone gravitates. No one would come to a dinner party at her house without bringing something. They are college kids and know that no one there has an unlimited budget for entertaining. Many will bring their own meat or arrange in advance to bring something else. Anyone who wants to drink alcohol knows it is BYOB. It is a group effort, but of course, they have all generated these rules on their own rather than having them imposed.
The point is friendship and fellowship. If everyone is considerate, I think it usually works out.
As a person who grew up in a simple household and went on to a lot of very different places and things, my first rule was “When in Rome…”.
The second guidance principle is to always be curious about the origins of the traditions. That way, at least you have the information to decide if it’s something you eventually want to promote or resist.
Oh brother. Go away for a day and look what happens.
Since I brought up the wine I feel a need to clarify.
My point was- if you are underage, do not bring liquor to a professor’s home. Period. Even if you’ve read on 10 etiquette sites that you should bring wine to a dinner party. My point was that 19 year olds (even those who have no trouble buying wine or anything else, despite being underage) should not do so on behalf of, or in front of, a “grownup” such as a professor.
I would just note that somebody who hasn’t grown up with a lot of social cues might sometimes overdo things, as opposed to underdoing them. For example, he might wear a three-piece suit to an afternoon interview at Starbucks. A kid from a more well-to-do family probably wouldn’t do this.
I do recall having dinner as a Freshman at a professor’s home on campus. Wine was poured for all. Present were the Dean of Students, the Residential Housing Director and my RA.
Of course, those were the old days. And, the professor was German.
When I was in college, the legal drinking age was 18. There was a beer/wine bar in the student union. Yes, times have changed. I would never encourage an under age student to bring wine as a host gift.
There is a material difference between a professor pouring wine for a student and a student BRINGING wine.
I leave the legalities to others to parse. But the expectation (which is what is implied by bringing) that a professor will serve underage students in his or her home is what is the faux pas here.
And JustOne- when I was in college, the drinking age was 18.
For the purposes of my story, the legal drinking age has always been 21. Although, I suppose if the professor was an ordained minister, one could always claim it was a religious ceremony.
I live in the south where it is quite common for people to bring hostess gifts. I think we had more food and drink after our last party than when it started.
But I would not really exoect students to bring any kind of gift if they were invited to a professor’s house.
That would actually be a bit endearing, although I would make a show of removing my own coat and asking if he was comfortable so if he sweated I’d know it was from the questions and not the suit.
The wine? If you don’t bring wine, bring some chocolates. Or you can bring a dessert of some sort, like cookies. But IMHO, if you are invited somewhere, and you are assumedly “poor” (because all students are “poor”), no one would expect you to bring anything.
Back to mentoring:
Mentoring does not mean training someone to join the 1%, all it means is either a peer (same age more or less) mentor or an adult mentor. A peer mentor who is a junior or senior for a freshman entering college would help the freshman navigate the campus and the paperwork (online work now?), and realize the opportunities that are out there and how to take advantage of them. SES would not matter too much, because even rich kids need to figure out how to deal with college.
An adult mentor would be in lieu of parents or a teacher or minister who could help the student with personal/family issues. Someone who came from or was in the same SES could help, or someone in a higher SES might be able to pull more strings. One case is when someone is a counselor and is assigned to a teen, and the teen is done with the mandatory counseling, and the counselor still stays involved as a mentor.
The value of a mentor instead of counseling is a more informal setting, where there is not a set of strict guidelines. What a student might need at a particular time can be addressed, and there are not “treatment goals” other than just making life a bit easier and benefits a bit more accessible.
Being part of the Greek system helped me and my spouse in terms of mentoring. We both had to borrow money or clothing on occasion. Interesting thing, one girl in our sorority lived in the suburbs about 30 minutes away, and one day her dad picked up her and four of us and we went “shopping” in her closet for formal dresses. It didn’t feel that weird because there were four of us and we knew we were a range of SES (I was middle class again by that point). We were just thankful she was opening up her home for us. We of course hung out and got some food and chatted for a long time too.
'Course, free condoms was part of the “mentoring support” of the Greek system, kind of worrisome for parents but the alternative would be more worrisome…
Wow this thread has meandered all over the place. Not sure how the hostess gift somehow morphed into minors bringing alcohol to an event. No one meant or intended that. Wine may have been given as an example of what an adult brings to another adult’s home when invited for dinner, but its just an example. Others bring flowers or bakery items or a small serving piece like a bowl or plate or whatever, or, yes some bring something from their garden (I had a friend bring us rosemary from her garden. It smelled wonderful.) Some folks seem to be a little rigidly thinking about this. The idea is to do something thoughtful. If you are a good baker, bring something from your oven. If you don’t drink, and especially if the host/hostess doesn’t drink, it might not be expected or appropriate to bring wine. That said, just because one doesn’t drink doesn’t mean they don’t bring wine as a gift. As was said above, someone on the wine store can help with a selection. And as for:
Thats actually completely backwards. Most folks with wine cellars keep good stuff. Might be reasonably priced, might be a bit pricey. And if properly cellared it may be there for quite some time, and the value may increase. I always check on line to see the current value/availability of a wine I may bring from our cellar, and have caught myself almost bringing some that have become quite $$$$$!!