What now?

Hello,

I am going into my sophomore year of college and need serious advice. I hate my campus. My classes are interesting, and I love my professors, it’s the people outside of class that is making me doubt my life choices. I received a 3.8 last year, and it would have been a 4.0 if my school hadn’t have implemented a ± grading scale. I frankly find the academics a joke in comparison to the classes I was taking in high school. There is only a couple hours worth of homework a night, and most of it is not highly academic anyway. I am a member of my school’s honor program, and it helps slightly, but I still don’t feel challenged in my classes, or at least enough to distract from a mess that is the social scene within my major and college.

I have no friends, only people who come to me a day before a test looking for my flashcards and meticulously taken notes. I lost my roommate due to her constant substance abuse, and I find that everywhere I turn promiscuity, alcoholism and recreational use of marijuana are rampant. I do not judge my colleagues for their life choices, but all I can see are the consequences of their actions, and I don’t want any crazy night ruining my chances at grad school, so I stay far away from the parties and the drinking, causing a great divide between my classmates and me.

I am involved in extracurriculars on campus. I am active at the Center; I am treasurer for the a capella club, a member of both the select choirs on campus and work a very prestigious job with the opera theater on campus. (I’m a vocal performance major, so the constant competing against my colleagues doesn’t help, but they all seem to best friends without me) I know there is a binge-drinking culture on every campus, so do I just hate college? I have been dreaming about this place my entire life, and now that I am here it feels like my hell.

I have considered transferring, perhaps to an all-girls school (I went to an all-girls high school and loved it.) Now that it’s summer I am meeting up with all my high school friends, and hearing about how spectacular their years were makes me feel like I am missing out on meeting soul friends. All the charm I saw in my school when I toured here has disappeared without a trace. I am having frequent nightmares about having to return in the fall, but to make matters even more complicated, I love the faculty and staff, have a wonderful scholarship, and have been given incredible opportunities like trips to China and all across Europe and master classes with opera superstars.

I leave to play a lead role in an opera in Italy in 3 weeks. I am already signed on for this upcoming year, and if I meet someone to share the burden with, perhaps I can make it, but my real question is, should I start applying to new colleges? Should I stick it out where I am? I am so torn; please help!

It sounds like you are a little more mature than the other freshmen were, like to do organized school activities (choir, theater). Frankly, I don’t know how you’d have time to socialize more. What is it that you think you are missing?

If it is a fairly large school, you might find more friends if you are going to live in a different dorm/off campus, upperclassmen who are also ‘over’ the parties and freshmen activities. If students ask for your notes, ask for theirs - even if you don’t need them, it may get some conversations going.

I do not think it will be different at another school. Is their a women’s college that would offer you the same music opportunities? It sounds like you are planning a junior year abroad, so that will change things up. If sophomore year isn’t going any better, maybe a spring semester program at another school/abroad would help.

It is hard to understand why you don’t have some satisfying social connections given how active you are with activities, and they are all in music so there should be some intersection of people involved. It is also hard to understand why you are not friends with other singers, as well as many others on campus.

You are not going to like this, perhaps, and this may not be what you expected to hear, but I would suggest looking at yourself some, rather than entirely outside yourself, for the source of your unhappiness. Not that it is not alienating to be surrounded by a party culture when you are serious and don’t partake.

Are you depressed? Did you have trouble leaving home? Are you still enjoying singing?

I have observed that it is possible to reduce competitiveness by one’s own actions and attitudes.

I have also observed that to some extent, it is possible to still hang out with good people who are exploring their new freedoms a little too much at first. In other words, demonizing people and labeling them as promiscuous or alchoholic may not be the most helpful way to go- for you.

If the music education and performance opportunities and teachers are good for you I would stay and try to make it work. If you are lonely, maybe see a counselor to see what you can change, because although every school has its own culture, it is not at all uncommon for freshmen to experiment- and then settle down.

Try to find just a few like minded peers, but stay friendly with those whose lifestyles you are currently judging. Hope you have a great summer!!

what is your major?

If you are at a conservatory, it makes sense that the academics wouldn’t be the best. Conservatories and other arts schools train artists, not scholars. If you want the best of both worlds, you’re better off at a conservatory that is also connected with a liberal arts college, or at a major university with a top notch music program.

I agree with @compmom that your post comes off as judgmental. Even if you never use those labels at school, people can sense when they are being judged. My first thought on reading your post was that you sounded very self-righteous. That won’t win you any friends because no one likes to feel inferior.

To shed your image, why not attend a party? You don’t have to get drunk or behave in an immature way. You can pick up a cup of beer and carry it around all night, or dump it and replace it with water. No one needs to know what you are drinking, but they do need to know that you’re interested in them as human beings. You might find there are other like-minded people there also looking for non-wild friends.

You could also join a religious organization if you are so inclined. Most of these don’t center around partying.

The Newman center is a religious organization.

You like the most important part of your school- the academics (classes and professors). You seem to enjoy being in some activities that suit you. You even have roles in the organizations.

Not all of us fit into the typical college student roles/lifestyles. Don’t worry about it at all. Your undergrad experience is only another three years of your life- do you want to start all over at another school? I doubt an all woman’s (not girls! you are an adult now) college will make the difference socially. Everyone will be familiar with the campus while you will be new.

I made my long term college friends through classes in my major (woman chemistry major eons ago, then medical school). It took getting beyond the freshmen classes. Although I lived in the dorms all four years (beat commuting from my suburban childhood home to the U’s campus) I never was good friends with most of my dorm mates, nor did I want the same dorms my chemistry friends did. We were nonpartying/et al duds. My extrovert side learned to do the introvert activities they preferred because the intellectual satisfaction was there.

Do the people in music dislike you? Or, rather, have you had enough common experiences/classes to get to know them? Despite doing well do you feel satisfied with the courses in your major? Would another school offer BETTER music training? Poster #4 mentioned differences in conservatory and other colleges. Is it time to rethink your major and perhaps opt for a more rigorous academic school (your state flagship?)? Music performance, whether voice or instrumental, is a tough field to continue with after college. What do you see yourself doing once you have your degree? It could be that music is your passion and you do very well in it but that does not mean it will be the profession that pays the bills and keeps you intellectually satisfied for your future.

It is too late for changes for the fall semester. You can continue with your current school and research transfer opportunities. Next fall you should be able to do (free?) aptitude and interest tests to help you figure out a nonmusical plan B, instead of or in addition to your music. Or you may be fully committed to your voice major. Then you need to determine if the current program best suits your needs.

I am a firm believer in coeducation. I was able to do well in male dominated fields and can’t imagine removing men from my classes. You likely are learning a lot about men by being in classes with them- it may be subtle but it is there. Running away to the familiar is not the way to go. Next year you will be past the freshman exploration of freedoms- many will have settled down like you already are.

The big decision is whether you are intellectually satisfied at your current school, not your social life.

The Newman Center may be a performing arts center.

One of my kids cannot drink due to a medical condition. But would hang out with friends while they were drinking, and it was kind of a joke because she would read the NY Times on the couch. She was friendly with everyone but didn’t partake. The social divisions, in general, between those who do and those who don’t is kind of a waste because there are great people on both sides of that particular wall.

The OP refers to the “Center”, not specifying what type. “Newman” is the term used by Catholics for their version of a campus church/center, therefore religious.

I don’t want to reveal anything but there is a Newman Center that is a performing arts center at a certain school, and that seems to fit the OP’s activities better.

She is a vocal performance major, @thumper1

Ok…I’ll weigh in. It’s not all that easy to transfer from College to college as a music performance major.

You might want to ask about this on the music majors section of this forum.

Not saying you need to be drinking or having sex - but there’s a lot of space between ruining your chances at graduate school and alcoholic amateur adult performer. I’m sure there are some kids who are throwing their lives away, but I’m going to guess the vast majority of the ones around you aren’t, and they might not want to associate with someone who views them as the former. I say this as a successful graduate student who engaged in alcohol consumption and sex outside of a relationship who has plenty of successful friends who engaged in both, one, or neither of those activities in college. I also know someone who is in jail for dealing drugs whose pattern started while in college and another who was almost as heavy a user as he was who wound up finally seeking help through rehab and is now a physician in a competitive specialty at a top hospital.

Worst case scenario: you may need to look outside college for friends, but it sounds like outside of what you’re going to do on Friday and Saturday nights that your school is a pretty good fit for you so I wouldn’t take the risk of transferring if I were you.

Start networking and looking for other non-partiers. My kiddo is super negative about partying due in part to a family death related to alcohol. She’s not a complete non-drinker, but she has one drink about four times a year, and stops at one. She found other nondrinkers on her campus by hosting game nights and movie nights at her apartment. Low key, friends hanging out, relaxing, but not partying. Sometimes she and her friends do more cerebral stuff like take in the museums or attend classic concerts, and sometimes they play frisbee golf or watch some show on Netflix that they like. They play board games and cards and go to campus activities and stuff. Maybe you haven’t met the right people, yet? Sometimes it takes time. Try to stay open to new people. If you think you’re becoming depressed, talk to someone. It’s important. Good luck! Also, try a new roommate. Ask for someone who prefers a substance free lifestyle. Be careful of assuming the social climate is going to be different elsewhere. What you’re describing sounds pretty typical. The key is to be persistent in keep looking for kids who are a good fit. You need to work to find them.

One thing that helped my kiddo…was finding a job on campus. She works at a lab with grad students and older PhD’s and post docs. She love her lab family, and has benefited from a ton of good advice and mentoring.

You mentioned alcoholics. People who identify as such tend not to be drinkers. Maybe you could hang out with some people in recovery.