<p>My D’s private high school was very competitive but it always was under the surface. Everyone knew everything but it never seemed to be a big deal. I think the kids handled themselves much better than the parents. At graduation, they did not have a Valedictorian or Salutatorian. The class president spoke and the rest of the speeches were voted on by the senior class. The Baccalaureate dinner was where everything was laid out in the open for the first time. Each student went onto the stage while all their awards, scholarships and acceptances were read. It was also in the program. The roar of all of the parents for each student’s accomplishments, no matter how big or small, made me proud. </p>
<p>My D applied to HYPSM and other top schools but she never gave the list out. Not because she was worried about any conflict or drama but because she thought it was no big deal. She would joke about posting all of her rejection letters on the front of her locker. </p>
<p>I guess it is all how you and your D handle it. There have already been some great suggestions. Do what ever you feel comfortable doing. I always use humor.</p>
<p>So true. Around here no one talks, but everyone endlessly speculates. Most of the schools don’t officially rank but everyone, including the colleges, basically knows who’s where. Being in NYC, we had the added layer of legacies, development and the powerful whose kids could knock the top students out of contention at top colleges.</p>
<p>I am so glad it’s over for us. Just smile, demure and tell them nothing.</p>
<p>D and I have been honest about where she’s applying. It seems to work well, because she’s kind of a surprise achiever and so I get the impression people just think she’s delusional about getting into schools of that caliber. Thus, they feel mildly disdainful at her foolishness rather than competitive or jealous. No one has asked class rank to my knowledge, but when her SAT score became somewhat public knowledge (inadvertently) people then asked her “Are you going to be the Val?” She’s probably not, so that was fine and caused no jealousy either.</p>
<p>I am always surprised to read these threads about competitiveness and secrecy surrounding college applications… My kids went to a pretty competitive relatively small public school. They and their friends were pretty open about the whole process - read and commented on essays for each other (even when applying to the same schools), and were generally supportive of each other throughout the year.</p>
<p>As for your response to parents’ inquiries about your daughter’s college list, here’s the strategy I used. When asked about where S was applying, I said something along the lines of “Oh, he’s applying to several of the usual suspects. He has asked me not to talk specifically about his choices. I have to honor his request.” I said it with a smile and no edge at all. I was surprised by how well it worked.</p>
<p>Does anyone honestly believe that the kids don’t know, at least approximately, where each stands? They’re in the same classes. They take the same tests. They see each other’s grades. They text each other SAT scores. They ask about what schools are on the summer tour itinerary. </p>
<p>If it’s at all like what we went through with our son, it will just get worse as the year progresses. Honestly, at one point during son’s senior year I felt like I was in Pride and Prejudice with a couple of Lady Catherine DeBourgh mothers in a high state of pique because their more entitled children were not landing Mr. Darcy as expected.</p>
<p>We had different kids with different personalities and academic profiles, degree of paranoia, etc. but we had a standard party line which worked great. (But our school, neighbors, etc. were much less overt about asking than the OP’s circle).</p>
<p>“Where is he/she applying?” Answer- “oh, we’re looking at Spelman, Howard and a couple of other obvious choices” (we are not African American). “Why is she looking at those types of schools?” Answer- “She’s nearsighted so we don’t think the Air Force Academy will be interested”. End of discussion.</p>
<p>“What is his class rank?” Answer- “we’re still trying to figure out if his college fund has any money left in it. We’ll get back to you after we’re done crunching those numbers”.
End of discussion.</p>
<p>All delivered with a wide-eyed, friendly look. People don’t really want to ambush you- they are just doing a reality check (your kid is in my kid’s calculus class. My kid is applying to Caltech. If your kid thinks that no-name U’s engineering school is a high reach than are we crazy encouraging our kid to apply to Caltech?) That sort of thing.</p>
<p>But I would not discuss my kids stats or choices with anyone besides the GC or a teacher. Would you like it if your kids told their friends that you didn’t get a raise last year, or had cashed in a CD to pay the mortgage this month?</p>
<p>An update: Part of my concern was lack of contact with the guidance department (I work) while seeing others being frequent visitors. The good news: I’ve come to realize how professional our guidance department is. It’s comforting.</p>
<p>When asked for rank just answer “Commodore. Would you like my name and serial number too?”.</p>
<p>It’s so bizarre. When I was a kid I don’t think anybody knew their rank, except the straight A students. But that was over twenty years ago, before all this weighting of GPA made it so complicated.</p>
<p>compass - great news! My advice - you should be the best advocate for your child. Don’t rely exclusively on the resources of the GC. My Ds did ZILCH for her.
CC has been an incredible resource for my kids in their now-completed app process. Keep educating yourself.
As far as nosy parents/kids are concerned, the college visits are talked about and are therefore obvious to anyone who is listening. Scores and GPAs are nobody’s business. Above advice should be followed - not that it really makes a difference in outcomes but all that talk is can be very ugly.</p>
<p>Oh yet again soooo happy to be out of NYC area and living in Canada! Loved NY but saw the pressure on the wall when it came to preschool (part of another thread). I’m sure I would get swept up in it if we were still there. </p>
<p>Here, a very selective private school but they do so much to keep it low key (offer relatively few APs, strategically limit the course load, no ranking and a policy of not ever even talking about course or exam averages). Students do just fine in placing in top US schools and Ivies too every year, but without all the ‘stuff’ around it. I don’t think I fully appreciated why they did all that until now.</p>
<p>Yes. I do believe it. Our family culture is sort of a fly-under-the-radar with an emphasis on privacy and we really have discouraged interest in other people’s grades. In our family culture, disclosing SAT scores to classmates would be about as odd as disclosing what we all weigh or what’s in our bank accounts. I know which of their friends are generally “smart” and in advanced classes, and what (general) EC’s they have (sports, dance, etc.). The specifics of their friends’ GPA, SAT, accomplishments in EC? Nothing I’d concern myself with in the least. And other, random classmates? Even less so.</p>
<p>Here’s a specific. I just returned from watching my D play her varsity sport. I asked about a friend of D’s who I didn’t see there. D replied that her friend had quit tennis and was now focusing on dance. Oh, okay - I hope she likes it. It’s no concern of mine what type of dance, whether her dancing is through school or elsewhere, whether it’s recreational and she’s one step above ballet for five-year-olds, or whether she’s the top ballerina in the state. Her friend enjoys dance and is happy pursuing it as a hobby / EC – that’s all I need or want to know.</p>
<p>Thankfully, our school is also extremely low key about applications and college choices. It’s a 1-12 private school, and many have been together since before they got here, so there’s a lot of support and a real sense of family camaraderie. We don’t rank, and that helps a lot. There’s a general sense of where you MIGHT be, but because they have the ability to take advanced courses as freshmen, and beginning courses as seniors, it gets very confusing- in a good way. The college counselors do a wonderful job of repeating that mantra ‘there’s a perfect college fit for everyone’ so that everyone believes it and just settles in for a great year. Kids from our school go to the usual top 20, HYP, small LACs and the state schools.</p>
<p>For my school, this is getting absolutely crazy
Our val, sal, and number four are all applying for engineering at Cornell, JHU(biomed), CMU, and Lehigh Number 5 is applying to Cornell and Number 6 is applying to CMU and JHU so they are ALL nebbing at each other’s SAT I’s, ACTS, APs, and SAT IIs. It is very VERY cut throat</p>
<p>Then, me at number 3, is applying to Smith, Scripps, Union, and small LACs…They still ask me my scores, but seem less “worried” about them and geniunely wish me luck with my admissions.</p>
<p>compass- the mother created a “PTO” committee to “help” the guidance counselor??? That IS scary, and I do think it indicates that the mother is willing to go to unusual lengths to maneuver or create an advantage for her daughter. Can’t imagine how a school would allow a current student’s parent such access to a guidance office.</p>
<p>Our GC kept an open wire basket full of stamped outgoing recommendation letters and transcripts, in reach of the seniors who used her unoccupied office for eating lunch. When DD’s reach school kept requesting missing documents supposedly mailed by GC, I did wonder. </p>
<p>My advice concerning your d’s GC application documents: Trust But Verify</p>
<p>When ordering transcripts, pay for an extra one to open, and check the GPA, & test scores. We had a dear of a registrar, however she had a problem with computers and about 2/3 of DD’s transcripts had info missing.</p>
<p>So it seems snobby; so what? Why give so much power about what other people think?
When it comes to college admissions, wherever my kids wind up, I don’t care if their classmates think it’s “snobby” not to go to state flagship, or if they wind being “surprised” that they get in wherever they get in. I am not sure why the opinions of a bunch of people they will likely never see again should be of relevance. Of course they should be nice, friendly and polite to all, but to the original post, they owe no explanation to anyone of their grades, scores, ECs, or college planning process aside from us (parents) and GC as appropriate.</p>
<p>Oh, my gosh … I am so glad I don’t live where some of you live!! D went to an excellent private school, but rank. scores & where students were applying were never the topics of parent conversation. The kids may have discussed them among friends, but it was never in a way other than just chatting. I can honestly say that there was no competition, no jealousy, no back-stabbing. </p>
<p>S is in a public school that actively encourages students in the application process. The staff works to instill a culture of applying early. I have overheard some parents trying to impress others with where their kids are applying, but I haven’t noticed any discussion of the particulars (scores, rank) among parents, nor have I noticed anyone worrying about where anyone else’s kid is applying. The kids share their info openly - my son has seen all the essay questions for UMich not because he has bothered to start his app, but because his classmates showed him while filling out their own apps. ACT scores were openly shared last year because all juniors in our state are required to take the ACT as part of our state exam. When the scores came in, the kids talked about them. Rank? With almost 500 kids in the class, I doubt they have a clue who has what rank!</p>