Boy, this is the most judge-y question ever! When I have engaged and said some schools she is interested in, people invariably have weird reactions. The most common, “Oh, those are really hard to get into,” which is somewhat insulting. Or, are they just trying to dig into what her stats are? We are from Louisiana, and people don’t dream very big around here. My lips are sealed from now on – I just have to say, “Oh she’s working that all out.”
Yes, I wouldn’t name the actual schools unless there are some that are safeties.
Well, if you’ve named schools that are hard to get into, how is that judgy? Sounds more like normal smalltalk. I suppose they could also say, “Oh, those are REALLY expensive.” Or, “Those are REALLY far away.”
^Exactly. Regardless of stats, some schools are plain ‘hard to get into’.
They’re probably just interested in what your daughter is thinking of doing next. I don’t see it as judge-y.
I like your answer though I would take the question more at face value. They are probably just curious and their opinion doesn’t matter anyway.
Taken at face value it’s not an insulting comment unless you feel defensive for some reason or something else in the situation puts it in that light. If you do feel like it’s insulting or don’t particularly want to pursue the conversation with that individual, then you can just reply, “Yes, they are.” And smile.
But honestly I would be more inclined to engage in conversation if it seems like people are genuinely curious/interested. “Those are really hard to get into” could just as easily be meant as a compliment to your D for being smart and ambitious.
I agree with the others-if they ARE hard to get into, they’re hard to get into, and the speakers are simply speaking the truth. If they’re far away, they’re far away-again, truth. And it’s also possible that they might think you don’t realize just how hard they are to get into. Every year right here on these forums parents come in all tied in knots because their kid only applied to reaches and got into none.
I have never in real life, run into anyone anything but supportive of our D’s college journey. I suspect that for MOST people everywhere, they’re just making conversation and have a genuine interest in your daughter’s plans.
I think you’re reading more into the response than intended. If your child is applying to schools that have low admissions rates, then well, they are hard to get into. My daughter got a lot of “wow, they’re all so far away”. And they were (closest one was 500 miles away and the next closest was 1000 miles away).
This is kid stuff. Look at the thread “Smile and Nod” Some jaw-dropping doozies in there. Today, someone posted how she was asked why they were wasting money for college for their daughter when she could go to a good secretarial school. Not kidding.
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/926354-just-smile-and-nod-smile-and-nod-p1.html
“My lips are sealed from now on – I just have to say, “Oh she’s working that all out.””
Same here, for my son. It was once suggested to me that the single most important piece of advice regarding the admissions process is NEVER tell anyone in your own high school where you are applying - NEVER. Letting other people in your school know where you are applying changes the game. And if they press you, just lie.
I found this interesting and disturbing, but I guess I’ll play along.
Just keep the talk surface level.
“she is looking at a few out of state schools”
“She wants a small school and is looking at different parts of the country”
Whatever fits without going into details. There is no upside in sharing much IMO.
We kept it vague and chose not to share much. Most people wouldn’t delve too far. If folks got nosy about stats,(there’s always a few that do), I always just said “my kid is pretty private about that stuff” (which they were). I didn’t see it as my information to share as it was their results.
The best deflection if the asker has a student the same age is to turn the question back to them. People like to talk about themselves. I was always amazed how on the sidelines of some athletic competition a parent would share ALL the details and stats of their child without my asking. Just smile and nod. 
In my world, people are judge-y if you’re NOT aiming for elite, private and/or OOS schools… People get almost apologetic when they say XXState U…
Assume good intentions.
I don’t think that the “wow, those are hard to get in to!” responses are even faintly judge-y. Sounds more admiring to me.
Over the years it has struck me that for every person who makes a not perfectly thought out response, there it someone much too ready to take it as a deliberate insult.
Honestly, I can’t recall a single person who said a nasty thing or implied anything negative about my S’s college search or chances or choices. Except my father, who said he was “disappointed” that S was attending Dartmouth.
I share freely with anyone that asks. I often get some insight into schools if the person has any knowledge to pass on.
We never kept vague and nobody around us did. It is kind of norm here that the top kids here are going after the Merit scholarships with the plan of attending the graduate school. So, the vast majority of the top caliber HS kids around here (OH) are going to in-state public colleges, but this is my guesstimate, nothing more.
having just spent the last 3 years dealing with my 2 oldest kids going off to college, this is such a normal question that everyone seems to ask. Partly to make small talk; partly because they have kids who are that same age and are interested and want to talk. I myself have asked that same question out of curiosity, to get ideas, to figure where the kid stands etc.
But; i do realize that if I sense there’s a competitive nature about the questions - eg from parents of kid who’s top in the class - then my answers would be a little more vague. I sure hope i havent been judge-y with my questions and answers! after tonight - its all over though!!!
We always gave the same response:
“no decisions have been made yet. But we will surely let you know hen she matriculates at a college”.
Then we changed the subject to the weather or the kind of toothpaste used.
If the person persisted. I would excuse my self and say I was going to the bathroom.
There is NO need to feel like you need to discuss your kid’s college application process all along the way with ANYONE except your kid and your spouse.
People need to mind their own business.
I have never grasped the logic behind the advice of “don’t tell people where you apply”. I wouldn’t think telling people would cause some one else to rush in and grab your spot (b/c college isn’t 1st come 1st served). Is it because people fear having to report rejection if they have a lot of reach schools? (And Americans are conditioned to admire consistent winners, so ANY rejection can be seen as a fatal flaw) Two years ago my husband was having a chat with a coworker about D’s college options- one of which was Northwestern. He gave some GREAT tips on the applications and admissions process that were super helpful (sort of like a living breathing CC). What’s the harm in telling people- you never know when you may glean some useful information
Part of it is to avoid ramping up the whole process to avoid unnecessary stress on my kids. They don’t need to go through the process living in a fish bowl. They also went to a private school where everyone was an “above average” kid and there was a lot of overlap on lists. Most folks don’t know Penn State from UPenn so what’s the point in discussing it? I have offered to help others but I don’t pry and ask questions just offer help and they can ask questions if they are interested. We did our own research and reading (hello CC!) and had the benefit of somewhat decent college advising. Advice can be given and received about the process without discussing details.
I don’t discuss my career options, salary, my review from my boss, how much I paid for my house, my investment strategy and savings, my marriage or other topics I deem personal with other people. I don’t see the benefit of discussing my kids’ stats and college process with others, especially since its not my personal information but belongs to them. I think everyone has their own comfort level with privacy and personal matters.