<p>My daughter is in a competitive school. This year she will be applying to college and already she's been asked her class rank, what colleges she will apply to, etc. She gave the rank (very high) and has now been seen as a target. She doesn't like my conspiracy theories or fears of parental shenanigans, but I see that with the present economy, a great deal is at stake for her competitors and their parents. Also, there is the jealousy factor.
Daughter is very nice and open. What is the best response? And just what do I say to mothers, who are also looking for information?</p>
<p>Just reread your post and see it’s both kids and moms who are asking the both of you.</p>
<p>I’m a very open person as well, so I understand your dd feeling uncomfortable trying to be evasive. How 'bout: “I’m still working on my list” and changing the subject? About class rank, I’d say “I’m happy with it.”</p>
<p>As a mom (or dad), I’d take the tack of “Dd doesn’t like me to talk about that kinds of stuff so I’m going to respect her wishes.”</p>
<p>As a mom you can just smile and say you don’t know… D should just not give out the info. She can smile, change the subject, say she just doesn’t talk about details like that… She can be vague and say she is in the top 25% and leave it at that… It’s no one’s business but hers.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine my daughters, their friends or adults asking class rank, etc. How gauche. </p>
<p>My daughter told people when they asked, oh, schools on the east coast. That’s it. If someone had been rude enough to ask her scores or rank, she would have blown them off.</p>
<p>Your daughter needs to have a prepared answer, and she doesn’t have to be all cagey and polite. Just say, I prefer not to talk about my numbers.</p>
<p>As for you and the mothers, just say, I prefer not to share my daughter’s personal information. She doesn’t so I won’t.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, she spilled the beans last year. (She’s 3rd). This means that 2, 4, 5, and 6, etc. are really checking in, and I anticipate this fall there will be a lot of pointed quizzing. I’m not sure she’s cagey enough for this. (I lack the same skill). The lore at our school is that HYP, etc only take “every other year”, so even junior parents are interested! My stomach tightens at the thought of this negative interest.</p>
<p>If she has already spilt the beans, when people ask where she is applying, can she say, Oh, my first choiice is Balnk U and name her safety? But make certain to be straight with GC.</p>
<p>The choice about how much to say belongs to your daughter and, to a lesser degree, to you. It’s easy to feel pressured by someone into providing more information than you’d like to give (especially when your d is, as you say, “very nice and open”) - just don’t do it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your/your daughter’s personal affairs.</p>
<p>You can look for a nice response, make it humorous, etc., if you wish. But you can also be very direct and simply say, “That’s not an open topic of conversation.” Or you could do what Miss Manners recommends in all situations involving a nosey acquaintance - “Why do you want to know?” (Or maybe it’s “How could you ask such a personal question?”)</p>
<p>All that said, I do think it sounds a bit paranoid to interpret these questions as meaning that your d “has now been seen as a target.” What has she been targeted for? Do you mean that other students will be trying to surpass her in grades, standardized tests, or ECs? That kind of competition is nothing new as students enter their senior year. You mention “parental shenanigans” - do you fear that other parents may try to discredit your d or somehow make her look bad, in order to make their own children look better? There’s not a lot that another parent can do to take away a student’s legitimate accomplishments. Though I have known a couple of psychos in my day who never missed an opportunity to badmouth any kid who surpassed their own. Guess what? Never amounted to much.</p>
<p>Your daughter needs to be a bit cagey here, and learn that its not rude to not want to share personal information. </p>
<p>All she needs to say when people ask what schoiols is </p>
<p>“I am still working on my list!!” “I am still working on my list” Its no ones business and now is when your daughter needs to learn its okay to think that way.</p>
<p>And mom, do what I did, if someone asked my ANYTHING about my daughters college plans, I said</p>
<p>“Oh, I don’t talk about that. The kids are dealing with so much already, they don[t need us parents getting into their business, so I don’t ask, don’t tell”. It hints that they shouldn’t be asking.</p>
<p>Your daughter’s school sounds really fun!! Don’t get sucked into the urban myths regarding admissions there. Just focus on your daughter, her application, having a good balanced list of schools, not jsut the ivyies and “top” lacs. Its an odd admissions process and so much is out of your control, just focus on what you can control.</p>
<p>Even if she spilled the beans, she can still try to maintain some privacy. Tell her not to share if she is applying ED or EA, except with GC and teachers for recs. Tell her that if she just keeps not answering busy buddies questions, they will stop asking.</p>
<p>She can say " I’m sure my rank has no effect on your s’s or d’s chances at getting into their dream college. Good luck to them." Then run away.</p>
<p>I never understood what the big deal was about telling other kids your stats. While in high school, I think there might have been, at most, 3 occasions where it came up in everyday conversation(and I was one of the super competitive kids applying to top rankings school). It isn’t as if we are reporting back to our parents about all the data we find out about other kids’ ‘stats’. </p>
<p>I understand that there are a very, very, very small minority of over involved parents that obsess about such things, but such obsession is hardly shared by kids.</p>
<p>to the mom’s, say " how much do you weigh?"</p>
<p>joking</p>
<p>…and can I just say, dear lord this process can affect some people in all the wrong ways. What a great teaching moment for you to teach her tact. Good Luck!</p>
<p>I love you college-confidential people. You are funny and wise (ethernet friends)! Thanks for the advice. I suppose I’m uneasy because the one who has really targeted daughter for info, has a mother who “created” a PTO committee to “help” the guidance department. Her role has never been explained except it is clear that she wants close proximity to guidance counsellors. The father is also over-involved. Some friends (with already graduated kids) advise that now is the time to “disappear”, to lay low.</p>
<p>I have never met DD’s guidance counsellor and I feel that I’ve not schmoozed according to community standards.</p>
<p>I don’t college outcomes will be affected very much by this kind of general noisiness. Kind of the nature of the beast at college admission time.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t go to the conspiracy theory place (although I do know of isolated cases where this happened.)</p>
<p>We found that in the pinch the kids really supported each other and began rooting for each other. The parents? Um, that was a different story.</p>
<p>A mother of a young lady who worked for us a few years back told me out straight that daughter was #1 in the class…no I didn’t ask and don’t think I would ever ask that.
I have asked parents where their kids are looking, out of curiousity , not competition …but then my kids were not in the top three of their classes ;)</p>
<p>“… a mother who “created” a PTO committee to “help” the guidance department …”</p>
<p>In our district it’s well known that winning election to the Board of Education is worth a half-point on your kids’ GPAs and assures good recommendations. Still, what’s that old wheeze about making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear? Weak school system, what can I say?</p>
<p>As for OP’s issue, I guess I agree with mythmom. Things get a little crazy at college admission time, but all the intrigue doesn’t seem to affect admission decisions much. Good luck to your D … and congrats to her on her excellent class rank!</p>
<p>You’re clearly worried and concerned about your daughter, but I’m not sure what you think these competitive parents are going to do? They can hardly write a Harvard essay and tack on “PS Do NOT let Jane Doe into your school, her grades may be good but she is a SECRET CRACK FIEND!” Is there something specific you’re worried about? I just can’t think of anything that would directly involve your daughter unless they stooped to physical violence or mental intimidation, which I would hope they wouldn’t (although I guess it could–look at Tonya Harding!) I’m sure they’ll certainly be pushing their kids into resume padding activities and ECs, but they probably would be anyway . . . </p>
<p>Anyhoo, if you aren’t comfortable sharing your daughter’s rank and colleges, you definitely aren’t obliged to. Just say, “Oh, her list changes from day to day” or “she hasn’t settled on a school yet.”</p>
<p>She and you can say, “We’re trying to keep all the college talk to a minimum this year. It’s crazy enough as it is without people worrying about everyone’s stats.”</p>
<p>Also, the chances that any college will take the #3 from a high school over the #5 is pretty much of a non-issue. After all, there are just fractions of percentage points that separate the top five or ten in most schools. The essays, ECs, letters of rec, and individual qualities of each student come more into play at this high level of academic stats. Do they want more female engineering majors? Will ethnic diversity or a special EC be given the tip?</p>
<p>I’d be more willing to tell the class ranking, but keep the college list private. She can say she’s definitely applying to state flagship and she’s still thinking about the rest.</p>
<p>Let’s be honest. If your high school is at least mid-sized, the difference between #3 and #6 or so isn’t going to get you into or out of any college. </p>
<p>At our school, the Val & Sal speak at graduation, and the top 5% are labelled Honors Graduates. No one knows who is #3, 4 5, etc. The h.s. only releases Val, Sal, top 5%, top10%, and deciles from there on transcripts. I realize that other schools give exact numbers, but my point is that our h.s. asked a bunch of colleges what class rank info they wanted. Their answer was “deciles.” </p>
<p>As to how to answer the other kids and moms, I’d try a sweet smile and a “Why would you want to know that?” If they persist, just say, “I’m (or D’s) doing well, but I’m (she’s) focused on my own grades and not really worried how I compare to my classmates. I’m sure they’re succeeding as well.” Then change the subject.</p>
<p>(And apropos of nothing… my h.s. gave out exact ranks, and indicated the top 5 graduates in the Commencement program and ceremony. I, of course, was number 6. But I’m not bitter… ha ha).</p>
<p>My DS and DD go to a school where the parents are extremely competitive in a manner consistent with the OP. Fortunately, no one had a clue that my DS (2008) grad was as highly ranked as he was - as a jock he was assumed to be too dumb to be highly ranked (stereotypes are alive and well). When the subject came up of where he was applying to school, I said that his list was constantly shifting (true) and that baseball was playing a big role in his choices (also true). Only a few persisted in asking - and I simply told them his matches and safeties - and then added “I hope that he gets in” (also true). </p>
<p>It was fun to hear the parents gossip and talk about who was ranked where - knowing that DS was #1 and no one knew it…</p>
<p>With DD, I anticipate similar parental conversation and plan to handle it the same way - with matches and safeties.</p>