<p>This may by a once is lifetime situation but I’m with argbargy.</p>
<p>I get the student is a bit of slacker and immature. For my kids the last place I want to send a kid with those attributes is a place where they can easily be a slacker and succeed (well enough) like a CC or a lower level state school. Frankly, I think this student is a good candidate to throw into the deep end and see if he sinks or swims … as in try to get him to attend the academically rigorous school to which he is accepted … and, in addition, be prepared to deal with some struggling if he flounders some when he starts … so while I would have a GPA requirement to stay at school it would be in the 2.5 range to start and then ratchet up.</p>
<p>On CC we often get threads with parents saying they will only pay big money for kids have earned their way to those schools and to start less mature kids at lower level and less expensive kids. I believe a somewhat contrarian view … those mature motivated kids will do absolutely fine anywhere and spending money for a “better” school is strictly a luxury purchase … however throwing kids who have more potential into the deep end may be what kids them into gear and for these kids the “better” school school may be more than a luxury purchase but an investment is a specific environment to kick start the student. It’s an expensive gamble but for some might have a higher expected success rate than some cheaper options. </p>
<p>(This is not a hypothetical discussion for me … Mom3ToGo and I have had this discussion many times about one of our kids).</p>
<p>Cobrat - why on earth must it always be about you, your family, a cousin, or friend. Could you please for once not hijack a thread. I’m sure the OP would be much appreciative.</p>
<p>I know dozens of kids like the ones you’re describing. However, none of them had the “It’s just good enough” mindset. </p>
<p>I’d agree with this if the OP’s S didn’t have the “just good enough attitude”. </p>
<p>For this to work on him, his attitude needs to be more “I can do better and I’ll prove it!” along with the actions/energy of a kid “on fire” or about to be. </p>
<p>OP’s S doesn’t seem to be there yet according to her description.</p>
<p>“I don’t understand why people suggest community college for a kid who is not ready for college.”</p>
<p>In this case, IMHO, because he’ll be living at home with supervision, there is generally no culture of partying, and it’s less expensive.</p>
<p>If the school is very inexpensive, or the parents wealthy, I can get on board with the “throw him in the deep end” approach. But if $25,000 is a lot of money to a family, as it is for most of us, spending that much on each risky semester is a high-cost experiment. </p>
<p>I also worry whether a kid who was partying (which I take to mean getting drunk) frequently for more than a year, while living in a house where he’s not allowed to drink, can handle the much greater party temptations at virtually any residential college. Living at home and attending a low-cost local public college, whether 2-year or 4-year, makes more sense to me.</p>
<p>Count me in among the chorus of grownups who think a minimum-wage job without other teenagers on staff is a gift from heaven for a kid with no direction. It might be the first step toward Harvard (as it was for me) or just toward a life of honest work and independence.</p>
<p>Blossom, it’s a great quote, and you should take great pride in coming up with it!</p>
<p>What I meant was, I look at this kid, and he reminds me of some of my HS ClassicRocker friends and what became of them. Many sounded just like this kid. Smart, but with the attitude: “why would I do any more than necessary if it’s not something that I want to be doing - I have other interests”. Most of the smart ones - the ones who knew how to do well enough - went to something like SUNY College at younameit, or some CUNY, studied accounting or business or even biology, and then went on to find their way into productive lives as stock brokers, insurance salesmen, chiropractors, etc. </p>
<p>Academics, or work, is not what defines their lives. Nonetheless, they all went to college and most eventually found jobs that let them lead middle class lives. Even the so called lazy ones. College was an enabler. It gave them the freedom yet forced them to take care of themselves and take a little responsibility. </p>
<p>This kid’s SAT score suggests that he is smart enough. I think he will go to college and find a way to do well enough to graduate. He will find a way to get a job that pays the rent and he will find a way to be happy. </p>
<p>Many people in this thread seem to view the OPs son as a total f-up like he’s being portrayed by the OP. I don’t see kids just hanging out anymore because they are under so much stress. He’s someone who’s figured out how to do what he needs to do without sweating and we criticize him. </p>
<p>I think it’s ok to be proud of this kid. I think it’s ok to send him to college without knowing that he’s going to be successful. He’ll probably do well enough.</p>
<p>Of the kids that are not returning to school next week (in my town) a few are exactly like OPs son. They knew they had to go to school, but had no plan and no desire. Classes were missed, grades suffered and now parents and students have more debt than they would have if they had gone to one of our satellite campuses. </p>
<p>I do think that this will require tough love. He needs money for applications? Sell his stuff on ebay from his new hobby. Require him to pick up extra classes at school next semester or get a job as a requirement for his early release.</p>
<p>"For this to work on him, his attitude needs to be more “I can do better and I’ll prove it!” along with the actions/energy of a kid “on fire” or about to be. "</p>
<p>Cobrat I have prayed everyday for a year for that attitude to show up… nobody wants our S to succeed more than I do, but I haven’t seen it and Hanna picked up the party aspect of it. This is a kid who for a year (and continues on a lesser degree) to do what I imagined he would never do… I like the job route personally. He has to get a job before I pay for the applications… Good thing there are a lot of openings in our area for minimum wage jobs.</p>
<p>Some how some way he’s got to want to help himself</p>
<p>Mauiluver I agree that you should tell him what you are comfortable investing in him and he can either take it or leave it. I also think that he needs his own skin in the game. What you are saying makes sense. </p>
<p>I guess maybe its just your harsh judgement of him and your disappointment that’s rubbing me the wrong way. I can only imagine what your son feels, and because some of my friends were like that, I sympathize with your son. I think you’re being overly harsh though.</p>
<p>Hmm… just getting a job before you pay the application fees is still putting you on the hook for a big $ education. I think that is not enough (heck, he could quit the job a month later).</p>
<p>* - why on earth must it always be about you*</p>
<p>Some, especially the young & immature, have a very egocentric world view.
Remember the " if I see it/ want it/ touched it- it is mine" phase?
It is difficult for them to understand that other people are having different experiences of the same event.
This egocentrism in adolescence however, helps teens find a sense of self apart from when they are with their parents or other family members, but teens who are unsure of themselves need to relate things through their biggest influences, namely their family.
They do this less as they gain more self confidence and experience in handling new situations.</p>
<p>I wonder if the OPs son is really aware of the steps he needs to take to pursue his options?
Some people do better with a little imposed structure.</p>
<p>I’m with 3togo (maybe its a Boston area thing) and somewhat with ClassicRockerDad. My S could be the OP’s S. I mean stats are scary the same and he has sisters that are big overachievers and he has had problems with partying (is down to little to no privileges).</p>
<p>We shake our heads and just don’t get it…at all. We are trying to accept everyone is different…even those with the same blood! He always had the understanding that college would be paid for and we feel we can’t go back on that. He has been accepted to a pretty good public university and we will let him go.</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong - I have big doubts about him getting his act together and doing well. But we have to throw him in the deep end. He is smart and capable and has to mature. I get college will be risky for that but he is worth the risk and yes we are lucky that we can financially give a year a go. He knows our concerns and also that he will not get 4 years to coast…but we will support him for a year and keep letting him know he is capable of much more than he has shown to date.</p>
<p>I suppose that it depends on one’s attitude towards risk, with a substantial amount of money on the line. </p>
<p>I am particularly troubled that he spent his college savings on a hobby.</p>
<p>The thrust of some discussion here is that the kid is really doing well to be doing what he is doing, and that he will do better when he has to.</p>
<p>I don’t know. Someone mentioned UMass-Boston. Well, the six-year graduation rate there is 40%. I would think long and hard about sending a “slacker” to a college where huge numbers do not graduate in six years for whatever reason.</p>
<p>I think the track record here richly deserves some sort of reasonable, parentally-imposed structure, some sort of track record of living up to commitments, rather than turning him loose at college on the theory that a lot of kids straighten out once they are there. Some do, some don’t.</p>
<p>It’s never too late to go to college. I’d rather go to college when I really want to learn to succeed instead of going to college to flunk out with a permanent bad record.</p>
<p>Oh no intparent, he has to get a job before I will pay for the applications, that doesn’t mean his college is all set (if he gets in, all the schools but one are reaches).</p>
<p>Emeraldkity, we’ve not given any structure this year, we left it up to him, I was hoping he would step up…</p>
<p>ClassicRockerDad, I can understand what you are saying, however we have worked very hard to provide for all his academic and extra curricular needs and wants, and we asked very little in return, very little, and yes we are extraordinarily disappointed and this speaks more about the partying and attitude than his overall GPA and SAT.</p>
<p>Thumper, there are a few accounts, but one of the things he was supposed to do was work and save for college last summer. So he did that, then came October when he spent it all, three grand just splurged on his own. So he didn’t save his money, he didn’t get another job and he can’t get merit aid or scholarships. I believe every kid has to have skin in the game otherwise they have no incentive to finish. When they’re looking down at a loan staring back at them or they have to use some of their own money they are more likely to try and finish. I went to college with a lot of kids who didn’t worry one bit, many flunked out or did poorly… I didn’t have that option, but then again “just good enough” couldn’t be good enough.</p>
<p>UMass-Boston is also a commuter school without dorms as of the mid’00s. Everyone I knew who was going there was either commuting from home or had their own apartment. </p>
<p>A common complaint was a lack of a community feeling because of the fact it’s a commuter school and one located in a sketchy part of Boston. Everyone I knew who went there tried to high-tail it out of there once classes were over, especially if they have evening classes or had jobs to go to as there wasn’t much in the surrounding area.</p>
<p>“one of the things he was supposed to do was work and save for college last summer. So he did that, then came October when he spent it all, three grand just splurged on his own.”</p>
<p>I think this is a screaming neon sign that this kid is not mature enough for the next level of responsibility. He needs to start small and prove himself. If he cares enough to sell his guitar/turntables/whatever, then you’ll know he actually wants to go to college. Till then, I would use extreme caution before investing thousands in tuition and potentially helping him create a permanent record of bad grades.</p>
<p>“Everyone I knew who went there tried to high-tail it out of there once classes were over”</p>
<p>Exactly. Sounds just right for this kid. I’m a huge believer in the residential experience if kids want to take advantage of it. But if it’s just an excuse to get wasted without your mom around, you’re better off at home until you get your act together.</p>