<p>Well, we just had a lengthy discussion. He doesn’t know what he wants now, maybe community college is back on the table. I stressed Americorp again or a year off for work. Turns out he did not turn in an important physics assignment today, he was too tired to do it last night and last week was vacation so he shouldn’t have had to do it I’ve come away more saddened… we did speak at length about other options such as a tech. school. Then he tells me everyone is going away (thus he has to go away), that’s when I pointed out a third of those kids will be back because they weren’t prepared. That did seem to resonate. Getting a job however, that did not resonate… apparently he does have just enough to cover the cost of the schools applications, two apparently have free applications.</p>
<p>Sally, I don’t take your words negatively, we would all agree with you in how S is acting. It’s a battle around here, only this is his life, he has to think about it, and I just do not think he’s thought about it at great length… I looked at your link, it looks like Blackburn could be a possible option, but the 4 and 6 year graduation rates were not good at all, so perhaps we need to deal with some of these other issues before unleashing him on a college campus.</p>
<p>Thanks so much to everyone, it made the conversation easier after reading your posts all afternoon. I tried to take away the negative and told him this was about his future. He took it well except the job… but it’s not really an option.</p>
<p>I didn’t read the whole thread, but for some reason OP’s post reminded me of a very charming semi-slacker I knew in college 25+ years ago who came from a wealthy family and whose grandmother was financing his college education.</p>
<p>The money for his education was in a placed in a trust with very specific criteria that he had to meet in order to get each successive payment. The whole thing was administered by a third-party trustee (a banker) with no exceptions. I remember that one of the criteria was that he had to keep a 3.2 GPA. One term, he was in danger of not meeting the 3.2 for a reason that, at the time, seemed to be no fault of the kid’s. I remember saying that his grandmother would surely understand and make an exception to the rules. His reply was that any decisions regarding the money were now out of his grandmother’s hands and it was up to the “evil” banker to make the decisions, and that the banker would NOT deviate from the rules. He managed to meet the requirements every term.</p>
<p>He had a great relationship with his grandmother, who never saw a single report card and effected an unconcerned “hands-off” attitude towards his progress toward his degree. The banker was sent every single grade, receipt for books, meal plan decision, etc., and apparently scrutinized each one with the diligence of Scrooge. The kid loved his grandmother and hated the banker.</p>
<p>I always thought that this was a brilliant solution to managing the education of a kid like the OP’s, where the family dynamics had previously been counterproductive. This is obviously a cost-prohibitive solution for most people, but it was interesting to witness how well it worked. (I have no idea what the specific terms of the trust were, or whether such a thing would be feasible in today’s world.)</p>
<p>I read the whole thread. I think it is a shame that OP’s son couldn’t have performed to his full potential. It is not too late for OP to finally put her foot down, read her son the riot act and actually mean it. My sense is that the son has never taken his parents seriously and that’s why he thought he would be able to go away to college like everyone else. Going to college is a privilege, it is not just another 4 years extension of high school. The discussion OP mentioned in post #101 probably should have happened few years back.</p>
<p>I know about Blackburn. It’s a school that really does try to provide a lot of support for its students. Students there really do have to work, and it makes you or breaks you. It has some students from the Chicago suburbs, but a lot of its students are rural Illinois kids. Many of them (certainly not all) have not really been away from home before and they end up returning home. And for the kids from bigger cities, rural Illinois can lose its lustre. But for the kids who stick it out, the opportunities are great. You should definitely take a look at it; in this particular instance I wouldn’t let the grad rate scare me off from taking a closer look. Definitely not for everyone.</p>
<p>I knew a family that paid for the first semester of tuition. After that they paid for the next semester based on the previous semester’s grades. For every A they paid for the total cost of one course. For every B they paid 50 percent of a course in the next semester. Nothing for C’s or less. The student lived at home and commuted to a large state school urban campus so room and board were provided. I always have thought that was a great way to go about it for some families and students.</p>
<p>Op, Americorps would be a great idea. Or PeaceCorps. Also, there are some programs where you go to foreign countries to teach english…although I’m not sure if they are available to HS grads (as opposed to college grads).</p>
<p>This is kind of an interesting component of this. Clearly the reality has not set in with him yet that he will need to get a job when he graduates from college, and work at it (or something similar) for 45-50 years. If he is resistant to getting a part time job now (when he is off from 1 pm on every day, and clearly not spending that time studying), then he REALLY doesn’t want to think about a job to actually support himself. So… he sees no need to do well in school, since he sort of has no plan to ever work anyway. Maybe he plans to find a rich girlfriend at school who can support him. It can happen, I have a nephew who dated his way through heiresses at his private LAC, and eventually married a girl from a very wealthy family. To be fair, he did work for several years before the marriage. But no one was very surprised when he ended up with a wealthy wife. But the OP probably should not mention this option to her son…</p>
<p>“I don’t understand why people suggest community college for a kid who is not ready for college” - I do. The costs (are much lower, and it can easily be done part time along with a job.</p>
<p>OP- My thoughts are with you. I read the whole thread. What I am struck by is your concern about his ability to go away seems to be much less about the GPA and SAT score, but about his impulse control. I am hoping the partying is more of the alcohol and marajuana type than harder drugs, but from your posts it is hard to tell. </p>
<p>Clearly your son’s maturity, impulse control, and decision making skills are not where they should be. I would personally have no problem sending a kids with your son’s grades/sat scores to college. However, the type of impulsive decision making he has exhibited could result in some scary situations. That would be the reason I would not send him away. </p>
<p>I feel for your situation. It is very hard to counteract this at this stage. I also cannot tell if your son is defiant (ie-you dont know where he is until 6 pm), or if you just do not have rules/expectations in place. If he is defiant that would be another red flag for me that he is not ready. </p>
<p>From reading this he sounds like a good candidate to either commute to school or try community college. I would not send him away at this stage. </p>
<p>My son has some issues with impulse control , maturity, and defiance, which my H and I monitor very closely. Your Physics example could very well have been my son. My son has ADHD. We have a couple years before college starts for him, but we have already talked about commuting to a local college as an option for the first year or so. The next year for him will be critical for him and we believe he can develop all the skills necessary in that time. If he doesn’t I feel like I owe it to him to keep him close for another year before he takes flight. </p>
<p>Back in the day, an 18-year-old could get a job. There are not many jobs out there in this five-year and counting recession. A 1980 is not a bad SAT. He can get in somewhere. The concern is that he will not work hard and may flunk out with a sizeable debt. Have you given him any “reading material” on student loan debt crushing the dreams of twenty somethings?</p>
<p>Trusting him to do the right things has not been successful. If the current discussions with him are unable to bring him around to a credible stance of being significantly more responsible and reliable, family counseling would be worth considering.</p>
<p>Why not send him to prison now because when he flunks out he might rob a liquor store? That’s what this sounds like to me. </p>
<p>No question this kid is lazy. I don’t know the specifics of the partying, but it’s not atypical teen behavior our here in the suburbs. There is nothing I’ve heard here that isn’t typical teen behavior. Sure you want your teen to be atypical, but he isn’t. </p>
<p>1/3 of the students who party don’t flunk out. I don’t know where you got that information. It’s a gross exaggeration. </p>
<p>What we have is a smart kid who has applied his smarts to figuring out how to just get by. How many kids try that and fail. Here is a kid who has successfully done it! Why assume that when he gets to college he will fail. There is no evidence of that. There is evidence that he will rise to the occasion and maybe get Bs with a few Cs. So what. </p>
<p>Plenty of people party plenty and still do fine. Many of them are actually happy, which is the goal that I want for my kids. </p>
<p>B range is GPAs 2.83-3.16. The kid has a B average. He’s the kid next door. What happens if he turns in the physics assignment a day late? The sun will rise tomorrow. </p>
<p>People learn a lot from failing and picking themselves up. This kid isn’t even being given the chance to do that. There is a long way between excellent and failing. He’s being told he’s a failure when he’s not, and being robbed of the opportunity to actually fail.</p>
<p>I think there is a better approach. Let him discover what he’s capable of. If he fails, he fails. He lives with the consequences. It’s hard. He picks himself up. Life goes on.</p>
<p>“My concern is that such an environment may actually reinforce his “just good enough” attitude as there are many other students like that at such schools.”</p>
<p>There may be. Thing is, I don’t believe that the “just good enough” attitude is necessarily the problem. Some people strive for excellence in all things, others have Type B personalities and still get through life just fine. I think the problem is the kid’s perception of his responsibility for himself vs. his parents’ responsibility to take care of him. If he thought that it was his job to house, feed, clothe, educate, and transport himself, and he was doing all those things at a “just good enough” level, I wouldn’t see anything wrong with that.</p>
<p>Perhaps I’m reading too much into the OPs posts. My gut is telling me that the GPA and SAT scores are really the tip of the iceberg. It sounds like this student has given his parents many reasons for feeling uncomfortable with his going away to college at their expense.</p>
<p>Here is my opinion…it’s January. The kid is someplace (parents don’t know where) from 1-6 everyday. I would tell him…get a job for the afternoons…be a busboy or a dryer at a car wash…anything. If he can replenish his college money…which he should give to his parents (less assessment in the need based aid calculation) then they could agree to match it 2-1.</p>
<p>I’m not sure about that because it breeds the sort of complacency and lackadaisical attitude towards school and life which could burn him and his family through flunking/mediocre grades, academic suspensions/expulsions, and/or even having issues holding jobs. </p>
<p>As for this:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>from the OP’s description, he’s nowhere near that point yet. The above points you made are part and parcel of the issue with the “just good enough” attitude. </p>
<p>It’s an attitude which if his personal threshold of what’s “good enough” is not raised substantially in the near future, will result in his flunking out and going through life being known as an unreliable flaky employee/person. </p>
<p>Few people I know of want to work with such folks, even in the creative arts and music world contrary to popular stereotypes. Friends who employ musicians and/or are musicians themselves in various indie bands have countless stories of having had to fire bands/bandmembers for showing up hours late to paying gigs or worse…not show up at all and act as if everything’s all fine in the world the following days/week.</p>
<p>I’m on a different track. What is the hobby that’s so exciting that he spent his summer saving on it? Any possibility of turning that passion into a job and a career? Something that he could hang a college major on and build into a future?</p>
I’ve come away more saddened… we did speak at length about other options such as a tech. school. Then he tells me everyone is going away (thus he has to go away), that’s when I pointed out a third of those kids will be back because they weren’t prepared. That did seem to resonate. Getting a job however, that did not resonate… apparently he does have just enough to cover the cost of the schools applications, two apparently have free applications.</p>
It can happen, I have a nephew who dated his way through heiresses at his private LAC, and eventually married a girl from a very wealthy family. To be fair, he did work for several years before the marriage. But no one was very surprised when he ended up with a wealthy wife. But the OP probably should not mention this option to her son…</p>