I remember a habit I had developed that was rustled some feathers: when recounting what was going on at school, I’d say stuff like: “yeah, after the event we went home and hung out for a while”.
My mom hearing my use of the word “home” for a place other than her house was jarring to her. My advice for freshman parents: don’t be offended – it’s meant to correctly convey my dorm room – my temporary home. My real home will be with you until I officially establish my own home.
Great discussion here!
I have followed the advice that my mother gave me: if college kids have a great time when they are at home, they want to come home for holidays, summers, and whenever they can. I expect my son to be courteous, to check in, to come to major family events (his siblings’ shows, Thanksgiving dinner, extended family dinner), and certainly not to drink and drive. He has always helped out around the house without being asked, but I do not think I would push this on a short vacation (during the summer, yes) although his room is always an abysmal mess. He also makes it a point to attend our family meals. I always do his laundry because (truth be told) I enjoy it.
Besides this, I make sure he has a good time by helping him participate in activities he enjoys and see people he wants to see. We also welcome his friends and gf with open arms. My parents did all of this. My in-laws didn’t and still don’t. Guess who we wanted to visit?
@T26E4 - we already had the “home” discussion! I brought it up when she went to visit closer family for fall break (a long weekend). I said “I bet you’re glad to get home to your bed” and she laughed and said she was…which made me So happy because all we want for our kids is to love where they are, right? If her dorm feels like home to her, well that’s what I always wanted.
At the same time, it’s a little scary that her definition of “home” is changing from where I live to where she lives. At some point in the next few years, where i live will become a place to visit me (and her brother, and in the town she grew up in) and where she lives will be her home (unless the basement thing, but I doubt it with her).
Interesting transitional time we are all in…
^I’m with you… my oldest is a freshman too. Although she came home twice and we’ve visited to see her cheer at football games – this will be the first somewhat extended stay (she needs to go back on Sat to cheer at a basketball game).
I think she’ll be mostly sleeping and in her PJs 24/7.
DS always sleeps a lot when he comes home. Also he spends time with his HS friends. Usually they end up staying up all night at one of the houses. Sometimes it’s here but if not he will call by 10 pm or so if he won’t be coming home for the night so I won’t worry. We don’t really have him do much work around the house if he is only here for a couple days. For example he may load/unload the dishwasher or do his own laundry but we wouldn’t ask him to mow the lawn.
Also I think it is somewhat of a shock when they realize that life at home goes on without them…So yes somethings are slightly different than they were when he was here…and he has to adjust to our new normal.
Be prepared for some adjustment issues on the part of college newbie and others. My friend summed it up when she said that when her older daughter left, the rest of the family felt like a piece was missing. Gradually they readjusted and the pieces fit differently, and when she came home she didn’t fit as smoothly. Be prepared that all of you will need to be extra patient. Most of my friends noted that their kids swore more…we have a younger child, so have to gently remind her that she needs to “code switch” when she is not with her college friends. Be prepared for some irritation and anxiety about liking the routine of school where she is independent, or not wanting to go back because home is so comfortable. Can go either eay…usually both on the same break!!
On all those points in the original post, I just talked to her, told her what we expected
It was fine if she wanted to catch up with friends, as long as she let us know when and we had a few nights of family dinner with her; we expected the same curfew bit; and she was to participate in family chores. She was fine with it. In fact, I think she liked seeing that we still wanted her a big part of our family.
Agree it can be good to “cosset when she seems to be looking for it, and wave her off when she goes to see old friends.” I asked if there was anything special she wanted to do, thought she might like a pedi or something. Surprisingly, it was a Dad thing, they used to go for random drives. Sweet.
The real surprise was the second Thanksgiving, when we started to see the impact of her particular education experience.
Enjoy!
Expect your daughter to sleep a lot. Kids, when they come home from college, generally do.
As for eating with the family, be honest with her. Tell her dinner is still at 7 p.m., and you hope that she will join the rest of the family. If she cannot, could she just call so you are not waiting for her. As for doing some chores, I still ask my two sons to help around the house. If you are working, ask if you left her a note of something that needed to be done, could she help out and do it. My sons clean out the dishwasher and reload it, toss in a load of laundry or clean a bathroom. They know I am not asking much. Rather, it is one fewer thing I have to do when I walk in the house late in the afternoon. Just the other day, we celebrated an early Thanksgiving with my older son, who is in his second year of law school. His dad left him a note about putting the turkey in the oven. He did it, or no dinner.
thanks for all of this advice, folks! It’s turned a bit more into a tapestry (positive spin!) as D is going to bring home 2 international students who can’t travel home for the short break…so our 18 for Thanksgiving has turned into 21 and it should be quite a weekend!
That’s lovely @SouthernHope! I am sure you will enjoy having them and they will appreciate your hospitality!