<p>Reading all this I feel sorry for you, your husband, and the girlfriend. :(</p>
<p>Here’s my two cents. He’s an adult now; whether he has a mental illness or not, you can’t force him to get help. Personally, I don’t think he has a mental illness; I think he’s just used to not having to face the consequences of his actions because “someone” (his father or his family or his girlfriend) will always swoop in and rescue him. Now he’s angry because the “rules” are changing and he’s no longer getting unlimited $$$ from his “financial lifeline.”</p>
<p>You mentioned the fist through the wall–“who does that?”. Obviously a completely STUPID thing to do, but not uncommon among guys who haven’t grown up yet. Like a two year old throwing a tantrum and banging on the floor. </p>
<p>If you aren’t co-signers on the lease, I wouldn’t pay one penny of the rent. His answer of “no thanks for one month’s rent” is meant to goad you into paying the entire amount, out of guilt. Well, what do you have to feel guilty about? Nothing. This is the son’s own dumb fault. Call his bluff and don’t pay.</p>
<p>As far as where the money went, my guess–and it’s just a guess–is towards alcohol and video games. A lot of video games cost $50 a pop, so you could easily run through several hundred dollars on them very quickly.</p>
<p>I hope today is a smoother day for you and your DH.</p>
<p>I think you have multiple issues here. Your DSS is going to do what he wants. Your DH is going to do what he wants (I don’t mean that quite the way it sounds–but your DSS sure knows what buttons to push). You are trying to make sense of everyone’s behavior, deal with the emotional impact of your DSS’s behavior, and balance the family budget in a way that works for everyone.</p>
<p>I think a family counselor or Al-Anon could be very helpful. Your DH would learn new ways to respond to DSS, and eventually DSS would get either the help he is refusing or the chance to fail/succeed on his own. You would learn new responses to the whole situation. You would get out of the middle.</p>
<p>I like the GF’s response…maybe she can prod DSS into more productive choices. It seems significant the the person with “feet on the ground” in DSS’s life is suggesting that DSS take responsiblity for his own well being (and hers). She has a lot more information about how the rent money was spent (wasted). Something to think about.</p>
<p>emerldk, I too have experience with calling the police regarding suicidal behavior. The reaction of the police (or local sheriff) varies quite a bit depending on where you live and how well trained the officers are. If a credible suicide threat has been made, in many places the police will put a 72 hours psych hold on the person. But in some areas (we have trouble with this in our rural area), they just can’t be bothered. So it depends… it can be a viable option, depending on the location.</p>
<p>Well, it’s been a month since all of you were kind enough to offer advice. </p>
<p>The update is that nothing has really changed. DSS23 did not get the job that he interviewed for, and actually took a week (!) off to go to a friends wedding. DH continues to pay for half the rent, and has spotted him 40 or 50 dollars here and there.</p>
<p>I now believe that DSS23 is not suicidal, but that he uses that threat and the threat of cutting off DH to get what he wants, namely money.</p>
<p>The only thing that has been accomplished is that we did not allow him to petition the college to get back in for this semester, hoping he would miss college and get moving on getting a job and putting together his life. Not happening.</p>
<p>The last time he talked to DH, the conversation shifted from what we expect from him this year to the Playstation that DSS23 wants for Christmas.</p>
<p>I’m about ready to give up on DH cutting the financial cord, because DH just doesn’t want to, end of story. DH says that he would “pay any price” to get DSS23 graduated from college. I strongly feel that DSS23 will never finish college because he doesn’t care.</p>
<p>My next plan is to tell DH that if he refuses to cut off DSS23 then he (DH) needs to get a part time job to cover the money that is being directed to DSS23. I don’t want my resentment over this situation to ruin our marriage.</p>
<p>Thanks for listening everyone. It helps me sort out my feelings when I write it down.</p>
<p>I can’t control what is happening, but I can control how I react to it. </p>
<p>I assert myself when I can. I sent DH this e-mail about the Playstation (I was including DSD18 in this one) :</p>
<p>"I feel like if they don’t get jobs, you still get them Christmas presents, but the presents should be for things they need- gift certificates to Kohls for clothes and shoes, Target or Walmart for food and necessary items, gas cards for gas, etc. Maybe one gift certificate for something fun like a meal out.</p>
<p>I really think buying a Playstation is sending the wrong message. Luxury items are a no- no when you can’t pay the rent. "</p>
<p>He agreed with me on this one. So I am fighting battles when I think I can win.</p>
<p>I agree . . . and not only that, but then he will want to buy new games for his new console. Most Playstation 3 games are $50 each . . . or more.</p>
<p>Thanks for the update, I’ve been thinking about you.</p>
<p>Good job on the luxury Christmas gifts, especially those that create additional costs (ie games). The part time job is not a bad idea…as long as the time commitment is doable.</p>
<p>Over time your DH may change his mind, but it sounds like something needs to happen to correct some of the inbalances in spending until then.</p>
<p>I have the opposite problem – how do I get my mother to STOP sending me money. I’m fairly self-sufficient and we’re not well to do, so I know the money has better uses</p>
<p>You could always just put the money away for a rainy day, give to a pet charity, start an education fund for a young relative, etc. Perhaps that way your mom can still feel the joy of giving but you can put it to what you consider to be better use.</p>
<p>Frenchcoldplay - I had the same issue - my mom sending me money until I was in my mid-twenties and probably making as much as her. I copied her account numbers for her electric company account and her car insurance. Whenever she sent me money, I’d send them a payment, since my mom wouldn’t let me give it back to her directly. After a few times of getting “bills” where she had credits, she figured out what was going on and stopped sending the money to me. We had a conversation and I told her I wanted her to take more vacations or stick it in her retirement accounts. She’s taken a cruise every year since and went to Vegas once.</p>
<p>I’d like to second Mom2M’s advice - contact Al-Anon. Although “internet diagnosis” is unreliable, everything you’ve written suggest substance abuse on the part of DSS. What is also clear is that this isn’t really a financial problem - it’s a family problem. Finances are just how it’s played out.</p>
<p>There are lots of people who have gone through similar struggles with family members. There are tools and advice which can be very helpful in coping with the situation, taking care of yourself and your husband, and formulating a means of responding to DSS’ behavior which doesn’t just reinforce the pattern. You can’t control DSS, but you can learn to control yourselves. </p>
<p>So, Al-Anon - or a similar organization - for you, your husband, and if she’s open to suggestions, DSS’ girlfriend. </p>
<p>“I’d like to second Mom2M’s advice - contact Al-Anon. Although “internet diagnosis” is unreliable, everything you’ve written suggest substance abuse on the part of DSS.”</p>
<p>I appreciate it, but I don’t know. They drink, but not anymore than other college kids I have known. DSS23 has an anger management problem, and an aversion to work, but I really don’t think he has a substance abuse problem. I doubt anyone involved would agree to contact Al-Anon. I’d like for DSS23 to see a therapist or pyschiatrist.</p>
<p>“What is also clear is that this isn’t really a financial problem - it’s a family problem. Finances are just how it’s played out.”</p>
<p>This is definitely true. Little resentments become big ones. I’m trying to figure out how to let my husband come to a realization of what he needs to do about DSS23 on his own, but without breaking the bank and cheating me and the other kids financially.</p>