Are other parents experiencing this and how have you delt with it? We have a 21 year old Junior who only sees us as a pocket book. It has gotten to the point she will not speak to us unless we give her money. She claims we are unfair and her friends parents are so much nicer to them than we are to her. She will not talk to us for months on end. This last semester she refused to tell us she owed tuition until just before they were going to kick her out of non payment. I had to come up with 3k. Also had to pay her taxes too. We pay her medical, cell phone, car insurance and various bills. But she refuses to visit us or call us, only texting. When she has visited she complains about everything we do, our house and refuses to interact with her siblings. We are thinking of cutting her off financially. Is that too harsh?
She’s 21 and you don’t have to support her financially. If she isn’t being respectful, I would stop the financial support besides tuition (I’d feel obligated to fulfill my commitment there). I do not tolerate disrespect.
Sorry you have to deal with this.
I’d set some clear ground rules for the continued funding of her education. How often you’d like to see her, number of phone calls home per week, direct access to tuition/billing so the school notifies you directly, etc…
I’d then start working on rebuilding the relationship. Sounds like there was a wrong turn at some point. I’d start by telling your young adult that you miss them in your life and want to start over.
Be open to hearing criticism and trying to figure out what your child needs from you.
Similar situation a couple of years ago with our son. He was rude, disrespectful, and was only interested in our financial support. We packed his bags and told him to go. He left with $85 in his checking account and we did not give him another penny. He couch hopped with friends for a few days, but that got old very quickly. He soon realized how good he had it at home and, after 5 days he begged us to let him come home. We did, and have not had a problem with him since. It has been 2 years (he was 19 at that time).
Sometimes the best education one can receive is from the School of Hard Knocks. Nothing like a swift kick of reality to wake up entitled, spoiled brats.
It is impossible to tell what is going on here, from your post. She says you are not nice to her, and you seem to resent paying for a number of things. Not sure what your, or her, financial situation is.
Some of us pay for things like phone and insurance, some don’t. If your kid isn’t working, then it seems reasonable for you to pay. College can be an investment for future earnings, and if she is 21 and a junior, the end of your obligation is near.
Is it possible she didn’t know the tuition due until the end of the semester or did she flat out refuse to tell you? I have access to bills myself because my kids forget to tell me.
I would say that your daughter may feel the resentment that is evident in your message. In fact, you seem to resent the $3k tuition.But I cannot really tell how badly she is behaving.
My kids have all gone through stages where they didn’t see me that much, and then they return at some point. I just kind of let them go, gave them space, and tried to be positive in any contacts we had. Often, the stronger the initial connection, the more space they need in order to feel independent. There was never any correlation between contact and funds provided during college.
Not sure what the disrespect here consists of and I may be missing the point. Sorry if I misunderstood.
If relationships are truly difficult, counseling can always help, either individually or together. Believe, me, that is a very common approach. Good luck!
Do you have any sense at all of what could have caused this breakdown in communication? In the past, did you have difficulties like this or is it completely new?
Ask her what, specifically, you are doing that is unfair and not as nice as her friend’s parents. Are you insisting on a specific major? Did you require her to attend a specific college that she didn’t want to attend in the first place? Did you tell her she can’t have a job that she wanted to have?
At 21, she is old enough to handle certain expenses on her own. For example, state and federal income taxes should have been withheld from her income. Filing a tax return to get any over-payment back is something she can do on her own. If she is a freelancer and doesn’t have taxes withheld, then she should meet with a tax counselor to get advice about handling the quarterly payments, or at least about how much to save out of her income. My kid is in theater, and most of her income was freelance. Early on she learned that 30% of each freelance check had to go to savings so that taxes could be paid.
Money is a surface issue here. If you want a relationship with your daughter over the longer term, you should seek professsional counseling. Preferably as a family, but at least just for yourself to start out.
Wishing you all the best!
Our children go through stages. It is common for them to want to get away and not have anything to do with you. Always be there for them. They will remember. They will be forever grateful.
When she gets married and has children, she will be your best friend. They always come back. The love never goes away.
Wow, sorry you’re going through that. I don’t think I would or could just cut my kids off like that, even though I may feel like it if they treated me like that way and were unappreciative of what I did for them! It is so hard sometimes!
My kids have a set allowance each month. There are definitely kids at school that spend money like it’s water and have unlimited access. I just tell my kids we don’t live like that end of story. They get it. That doesn’t seem to be the case.
If your daughter wants you to pay for these things then it is time for her to act like a mature, respectable human being. Period. Maybe try setting up a meeting face to face with her to “hash” things out and lay out your expectations. Don’t make put strings attached to the money, but more in the sense of if you want us/me to pay your tuition, then I need to know by x date, not only a few days beforehand. I don’t just have the money sitting there. Come up with a monthly amount or weekly amount you’re giving her and tell her that’s it. If she’s out she’s on her own above that. But tell her you’re sick and tired of her behavior and you’re not an ATM that she can just continue to disrespect and you want a relationship with her. Sometimes kids relate money with love, so you need to be careful. You do not want that to be the basis of your relationship.
If she can’t be amenable to working on some of these things then it may be time for her to learn on her own. She will graduate soon enough and then what does she plan to do?
One other thing - you should absolutely not be paying her taxes. If she had or has a job, she has withholdings and that should cover her taxes. If she didn’t arrange to have enough taken out, that’s on her. Don’t get sucked in by that. She could easily change her W-9 to reduce her withholdings also so I definitely wouldn’t pay her taxes. I pay virtually everything for my kids, but that is one thing I do not pay.
Assuming that she hasn’t experienced some horrendous abuse in your home, it sounds as if you have a child who expects you to foot the bills, but has nothing but disdain for you. But she also has only one more year of college to get through, before she gets her degree. Do you really want to cut her off now, and have her crash and burn, and maybe not get the degree? I’d just give her a ton of space, don’t reach out to her at all. If she calls, brief pleasant conversation and then get off. Don’t let her pick a fight with you. Don’t call her. Keep paying the tuition bills and whatever else is necessary until she’s been graduated - that’s a year and a half more. THEN cut her off. You will have fulfilled your responsibility as a parent, to get her equipped to support herself. Eventually she will want to have contact with you, and will reach out.
Something very wrong happened early on here. My kids don’t expect that I will pay for everything and that they will have all the control. They understand that as long as I am paying, they have to keep me in the loop. You have younger kids? Make it clear to them that as long as you are paying, they have to keep up their part of the bargain, whatever you set that as. I had/have/will have access to all the college accounts until I don’t pay for college - as if I am the student, with their passwords. I only look if I have to, but I don’t have to ask them for access. I’d suggest that you make it very clear to the younger ones that in order to have your continuing financial support past high school, they need to play by your rules.
I hate to say this but I have read some articles and one book (The Boomerang Generation) about how extended the process of growing up has become and how many parents are still supporting kids through their 20’s. Rents are high and many have loans.
COVID has made this worse and it remains to be seen what the next year or two or five brings.
This board always sort of divides according to parenting philosophy. The main thing is to preserve the relationship for the future, even if that means letting go of certain things like frequent visits and calls for a time.
When and how is the daughter supposed to learn how to be self sufficient with this philosophy?
Thank you all for your replies. I didn’t go into detail thinking that I might not get a response. I will say we are a higher income family but she doesn’t drive a new BMW as some of her friends do. She only has a 10+ year old car but it gets her around. She does work and can pay for some of her living expenses. Her friends do work but I think they are more financially supported by their parents.
The disrespect comes when she has to talk to us or her siblings. If she visits she complains that the house isn’t her standard. Food isn’t what she wants. Nothing is good enough for her. She will basically be in the house and not talk to us. She won’t eat with us, sit with us or do family things with us. She expects us to cook and clean up after her and buy what she wants while she is at home. She won’t talk or interact with her siblings to the point her siblings have come crying to us. This is not new and was a problem when she was in HS. We would talk about it and it would improve but slowly the problems would return. When she started college it didn’t take long and the going months not talking to us and only texting for money would start. She is 21 and just a Junior with a few classes to repeat. At her rate it will be at least 2 more years. She is only going part time next semester due to covid and classes being remote. But she refuses to explain how the classes will be paid for. She won’t live at home to reduce expenses either. I’m will to pay for school but the car insurance and cell phone and other living expenses will probably have to be hers. We have made mistakes buying her too many things when she was younger. Both my spouse and I grew up poor so having money to spend on the kids has been a joy but has come at a cost. If we would have known what we know now we would have done it differently. We had thought we had instilled a sense of family first in her but instead got something different, which has only worsen over time. She also refuses to talk to Grandparents or other family members. I didn’t grow up like this nor did my spouse. Yes she is a biological child. We must have done something wrong and no there was no abuse at any time.
The only other thing that I can attribute this to is some depression and anxiety she has. She refuses to see a Dr about it. She finds school extremely stressful. We have tried to talk about it but then she will quickly shut us out. We know she finds it stressful because of her grades. However the intern jobs she has had have worked out great. But school not so much. We want to talk to her about it but she refuses. To the point she will not come home for Christmas. No we don’t expect straight A’s but no F’s would be good. But things happen in classes and it has only been a couple classes.
Or another possibility is that your child has a mental health disorder, such as Borderline Personality Disorder.
Sounds like some of it is her feeling a sense of entitlement and seeing her friends get what they want when they want. Those kids have no boundaries and will grow up with no sense of fiscal responsibility. I have seen this with some of my own friends my entire life.
My daughters have never felt that I owe them college or to buy the most expensive clothing or car or go on fancy trips but I know they have big eyes for others who do. And it’s not a question of whether I can afford it or not, but some people just flaunt their money and some don’t need to. As I mentioned in my other post, I just tell my kids we don’t live that way. Put them on an allowance which is how they learn to budget. They actually write down what they spend each month to the penny, which I find a little excessive but if that helps them so be it. Your daughter seems to be thumbing her nose at you because of the people she is hanging around with and thinking you’re beneath her. She does need a wake up call but honestly cutting her off is probably not the way to do it.
Letting her see what life is like and how expensive things really are when on her own after graduation, that may do it. Hopefully you aren’t going to be in the position of having to support her when that time comes, or worse having her live at home and treating you all this way.
Sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there. One day she will realize having nice things or money does not make someone happy or better than someone else!
Sounds like you are being more than understanding about grades/repeating courses.
I’m sorry that it’s been so difficult but don’t give up on continuing to set ground rules and try to work on the relationship.
FWIW, I would not tolerate what you are describing. I think often times our kids forget that we are people and have feelings too. They need reminding that we aren’t the bank of mom and dad and that this is a two way relationship.
Her behavior at home is not normal and it may be within your rights to have her see a mental health doctor. Obviously you’d pay for the visit and the visit is private but at least you’d know someone has seen her.
Since it’s been going on for 3 or 4 years, it seems there was a breakdown in communication in her late teens. Perhaps a few sessions of family therapy so you and your other children can cope better, perhaps inviting her at some point down the line?
wrt to “talking”, I’d separate her behavior when she’s at home and her behavior at school. Many teenagers and young adults see “calling” as sort of primitive and send information about their day through text. Texting about needing money isn’t normal, but texting rather than talking is.
What you describe when she’s at home is a whole other ballgame. Perhaps encourage her to find an internship this summer. 
As for your high income: good for you. Hopefully your younger children will benefit from it your daughter, when she has to earn her own money, will likely realize things aren’t as easy as you make it look. Since she works at least she has some sense of what working means.
Nope, no personality disorder. He was just being a brat. He will be the first one to admit that too. He has been perfectly fine for the last two years.
I meant the OP’s child. Is the child just a bit spoiled/entitled? or do they have a personality disorder like Borderline which may fit the bill.
I would say my child is a bit too spoiled. I’m the first to say that is our fault. When we grew up it was a couple toys for Christmas and Birthdays but nothing in-between. As adults we could afford to indulge. Well, look what that got us. We are trying harder with the younger ones. Definitely made mistakes with this first one. Hoping by the time we get to the last one it isn’t this way.
BTW the comment about income is just a reference. And I wouldn’t say we are independently wealthy by any means. Just better off than our parents. That’s all that parents want to see for their kids.
It is not too late to turn things around with the older one. I don’t know that you need to go straight to a financial cut off, but there is time to teach her financial responsibility still. Is she living in an apartment, that you pay for? It doesn’t sound like she is in a dorm if she is part time. It sounds like a deep conversation (several probably) needs to be had, about finances and what you will pay for and what she needs to handle, AND about your relationship and respect…but try not to let her entwine the two so much and hold one over the other (and same for you).