<p>Here's the scenario...girl and her bff apply for an off campus apartment and are accepted but into an apartment with 4 singles and they're paired with 2 other girls they did not previously know. The girls are all friendly with one another and they choose to spend time together, etc. One night one of the girls attempts suicide by drinking excessively, taking a bottle of pills (don't know what type) and cuts herself. The other 3 girls discover this, call girl's mother (in another state), try to help girl and, ultimately, call 911. Girl is taken to hospital and mom arrives the next day. </p>
<p>Mom somehow gets the daughter discharged the next day (in our state, I believe there's a mandatory 72 hour hold for a suicide attempt so I was really surprised by this) and brings her back to the apartment. Mom is now telling the other three girls that they're responsible for watching her D, keeping her safe, watching over her, etc. She's telling the girls that their apartment must now be alcohol-free (girls are seniors--21+). Along with many other kids, the 4 have plans to go on a spring break trip that is likely to be what we all think these trips are like...mom then indicated that D is still going (because she doesn't want to "punish" her D) but that the 3 girls are responsible for watching out for her, making sure she doesn't drink, etc.</p>
<p>Trying to assess all of this...of course the girls do not have responsibility for making sure this girl is safe, doesn't drink, etc. I'm wondering if schools tend to have policies around students who have had a suicide attempt (although the apartment is off campus). Of course I feel terrible that this roommate is so unhappy and clearly has some demons that she needs to deal with but I'm concerned for the other 3 girls who are overwhelmed at the thought of this responsibility that they are to make sure the girl is safe.</p>
<p>The mother is very strong-willed and, I'm hearing, irrational so she's not hearing the girls in their efforts to share that, while they care very much for her D, they can not be responsible for her. </p>
<p>Anyone have any experience with this type of scenario?</p>
<p>That parent needs a serious reality check, and the girl needs professional psychological treatment. Laying that kind of responsibility on roommates is completely irrational and out of line. Roommates should be friends and should certainly care for one another, but this is not an “I’m sick, could you pick up some NyQuil at CVS for me?” situation, this is a life-threatening mental health crisis that requires professional assessment and care.</p>
<p>Since the mother is involved, I would call up the mother to let her know that she needs to be responsible for her own kid and encourage her to bring her kid home for treatment. If she is not willing to do that then I would move my kid out.</p>
<p>Sounds like the mother has more than a little lawyer in her. The other students don’t need the riggors of being a nurse maid not while trying to excel in college. Anyway they need to move or get the suicidal roomate to move.</p>
<p>If the mother signed the daughter out of the hospital (particularly if it was early and against medical advice), she is legally responsible for her. She should take the daughter home with her. The roommates should contact whatever counseling services are offered by the school, and ask for their advice. Since they called 911, there is a record of the event, they can simply make sure the college knows about it. If she is a danger to herself, the counseling department can take the necessary steps to have her committed for an evaluation, and can make her return to classes contingent upon that evaluation.</p>
<p>As for spring break, I would change plans - I would not go on a trip with this girl. Either they go without her, or cancel the trip. Plan a different trip, and don’t include her in the planning process.</p>
<p>I agree with Oldfort’s response. If the mom thinks that the kids are watching her daughter, I think she does need to hear from another mom that this is not happening and not a responsibility that she should expect from them. What happens if they all happen to be out at night and the girl tries it again? Is she going to start placing blame on them?</p>
<p>I imagine that if your daughter and this girl are friends, your daughter may want to help out, but making demands the way the mom is is really not rational. I imagine that the mom is very worried, but expecting any roommates to have this responsibility is really too much. She needs to check in with her daughter.</p>
<p>In terms of stuff like the no alcohol rule, I really don’t think she has the right to impose that either. They could all decide to do it if they want, but ultimately this girl has to be responsible for herself, with a strong (and willingly offered) support network. If she can’t do that, she should spend longer in the hospital or mom should move her back home.</p>
<p>I don’t think this has anything to do with the school, however, unless the school manages the off-campus housing. Just reasonable expectations of roommates.</p>
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[quote[As for spring break, I would change plans - I would not go on a trip with this girl. Either they go without her, or cancel the trip. Plan a different trip, and don’t include her in the planning process.
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<p>Since the mom’s the once forcing all of this, can somebody have a conversation with her about why it might not be a good idea for her daughter to go on a trip like that and maybe a supportive stay with her family would be good for her right now?</p>
<p>I think somebody very assertive needs to talk to the mom.</p>
<p>This might be one of the few situations in which I’d get personally involved in my D’s business. As in calling the mother and telling her in no uncertain terms that my D is NOT responsible for hers. I might also encourage my D to move, since this sounds like a toxic situation which probably isn’t going to get better.</p>
<p>Thanks for the quick responses…these girls have just a few months left of school so, while it’s easy to think ‘just move’, really it’s not. First, there’s probably no housing to be had and, second, these girls love where they live (great apt, across the street from campus, etc.)…actually, a third point is that there’s a signed lease so, even if a place could be found, it’d result in double rent. No, moving is not an option.</p>
<p>One parent has already called the dad…other parents have offered to call and are waiting for daughters to decide. So many issues, including the fact that all these girls are 21.</p>
<p>I agree that mom should be taking D home for the help she clearly needs. At this point, it does not appear that that’s the scenario that’s going to be occurring.</p>
<p>Having the girls call the school’s counseling office is a great idea and I’ll pass that along.</p>
<p>Not one to usually get involved in my kids’ affairs but this crossed so many lines. I would call the mother and inform her that my daughter is not taking on these roles she wants and I would have the other girls do the same. If the mom does not remove the daughter, I would move my daughter out. Although the suicide attempt took place in an off campus apartment, I would make the the school aware of the situation to protect your daughter in case this woman accuses them of doing nothing.</p>
<p>If it was my D, I’d tell Her to write a letter to the mom, stating that while she cares for her D, she cannot/will not be responsible for her D’s actions. She is not family; she is not an employee. Maybe get the other girls to write too. </p>
<p>I’m sure the mom is acting emotionally/irrationally right now, but sheesh, can’t imagine walking into other adults living situation and dictating how their new lifestyle will be.<br>
And she thinks her D should go on a spring break trip?? Really? wow.</p>
<p>All the suggestions so far say the same thing, take no responsibility for this suicidal person and send her away- to a home where she clearly won’t get the help she needs. These are not adolescents living together, this is a group of adult women who are ostensibly all friends. How about taking the initiative to accompany this young woman to a counselor who can help her find the therapy she needs? Is it such a huge imposition to do your drinking outside of the apartment for the few months that remain of school? The grudge appears to be against the obnoxious mother, but we don’t know much about the young woman. Compassion is more important in a situation like this than " responsibility ".</p>
<p>Yes, compassion is important. But the reality is, a person who is ill should not be left in the responsibility of roommates. They have no authority to in any way make things better for this young woman–it’s really just setting them up for failure and guilt. they can’t make her better by not having alcohol in the apartment. They can’t make her better by taking charge of her life. Perhaps a very close friend might have some weight here, but the OP’s daughter and her bff sound like they are more like acquaintances who share the same apartment and sometimes do stuff together.</p>
<p>Clearly to me, what’s needed is the aid of family and professionals; it’s simply not fair or safe to put that responsibility on acquaintances (even, or especially, if, they share an apartment.)</p>
<p>^^^^Compassion and support is one thing. Taking on “responsibility” for this young woman is another thing entirely. One can have compassion for this young lady, they could certainly offer support in the form of accompanying her to a counselor’s office, but they are not qualified to manage a suicidal person’s life, which is essentially what the mother is requiring them to do. It’s not simply a matter of cleaning the house out of alcohol. Are they also to all buy safes to put their medicines in, or get rid of knives in favor of plastic ware? Remove belts or sashes or anything that she could use to hang herself? </p>
<p>A college environment is no place for a suicidal, depressed young woman. Her family needs to take her out of school and get the priorities straight. Her LIFE and SAFETY is at risk. Finishing the semester should be the LEAST of their concerns!</p>
<p>That’s helpful, and that’s being a good friend, but it sounds like the mother in this situation is demanding a lot more that. I lived with my best friend who was mentally ill for two years. In that time, she attempted suicide and experienced suicidal feelings frequently, had to take a mental health leave from school, had to take a medical leave from school due to other chronic illness, spent time in the hospital for mental health issues. This friend was like a sister to me. I did everything I could to be supportive because in my mind that’s what friends do. I’d make her food, help her out with laundry, be there if she needed to talk, be in the hospital every day that she was there. I wouldn’t say I took responsibility for her, though, and I think she would have been angry if I tried to do that.</p>
<p>What if the girls are trying to be really good friends and tell the roommate to let them know any time she starts to feel like hurting herself. What if that turns into her waking them up every night or them skipping class to stay with her? What if she kills herself anyway when none of them are around? How guilty would they all feel since she is “their” responsibility and they left her alone. And my impression from reading the original post is that they are friendly roommates, but not good friends. </p>
<p>I don’t think anyone is saying that these girls shouldn’t care and shouldn’t do what they can to help this girl out, but they cannot be responsible for her mental health. That’s a really unfair burden to place on someone. I’ve heard of marriages being destroyed because one partner was chronically mentally ill and the relationship couldn’t survive the constant strain of those dynamics for years. And those are people who love each other and have decided to marry each other.</p>
<p>Good to look at the girl’s perspective, momsquad. At this moment, she won’t speak with the other 3 girls as she resents them for having called 911. Of course, who knows if she would have even woken up the next morning had they not…I’m sure the girls would be happy to aid the girl in making an appointment with a counselor, perhaps walking with her to the first appointment, etc. who knows if she’ll be amenable? </p>
<p>In terms of the ‘no alcohol’, that’s really a descriptor of the larger situation. I don’t know that the girls would really be all that resistant to this one piece if that were all that it was. One girl was having a birthday party next week that she has now cancelled.</p>
<p>I’m just curious to know more about the young woman. We know the demands of her mother and that she supposedly got drunk and tried to hurt herself. Has she been depressed and fragile from day 1, or did her fianc</p>
<p>I would bring my child home for treatment. What the heck?
And no, these roomies to be are NOT responsible for her. How dare that woman lay this on them! What nerve.</p>
<p>Of course they’re not responsible. Even if they wanted to be responsible, how could they possibly keep this girl from drinking or doing something if she wants to do it?</p>
<p>They can choose to support her by not drinking in the apt., (and personally, I would think that would not be so hard to do), but there is a difference between supporting a person, helping a person, and being responsible for that person’s actions. </p>
<p>And why on earth would the mom send a kid that she doesn’t want drinking on a spring break trip? That is nuts.</p>
<p>I’m guessing that mom doesn’t/can’t deal with the idea that her daughter made a suicide attempt, not able to come to terms with the idea of that, so not getting her daughter the help she needs. Probably in denial.</p>
<p>It is possible to be a friend or a family member and be in over your head. You can care so much, but not necessarily be able to help someone over this hurdle. To me, the room-mate’s mother displays a startling lack of concern about this behavior on the part of her daughter, perhaps due to ignorance, denial or her own problems. The fact that the roomie is angry at the others for calling 911 is not a good predictor for her seeking or continuing with appropriate professional help. </p>
<p>I would encourage my daughter to go to the college’s counseling services or perhaps even a trusted dean to seek guidance. It is still not clear to me if this apt. is off-campus, but they may find campus staff input useful. It may be important to be direct with the family (telling them that you are concerned and aware of your limitations: the apartment set-up is no substitute for the expertise required to address the situation). I think this will be quite complicated with the room-mate feeling betrayed, the mother not comprehending why her daughter’s friends “won’t help”, etc. This is why I think informing counseling staff could be relevant. They may have background info on this student that will allow them to connect the dots and maybe even be pro-active with her. Some campuses may have procedures post-suicide attempt/self destructive behavior that emphasizes appropriate help as a pre-requisite to returning to classes. This would help get the weight of the situation off the room-mates. Of course, they will not share info with room-mates, but should be willing to hear their concerns. Being pro-active now may help to avert further problems, getting this student help sooner rather than later, and hopefully, making things smoother for all. </p>
<p>Best to everyone. This stuff is serious and very hard.</p>
<p>I’d put it all in writing, signed by all the roommates:</p>
<p>We are so sorry for your _<strong><em>'s illness [yes, illness, let’s call a spade a spade], but we have to advise you that under no circumstances can we be responsible for her health and well-being, nor can we revise our social plans and living arrangements to conform to your desires. While we wish only the best for </em></strong> , we are neither medical professionals nor counselors, merely roommates with our own lives to lead. It is our belief that ____ should be brought home for needed treatment. To be completely clear–if ____ remains in the apartment, it will be entirely at her own risk. We also believe that it would not be appropriate for her travel with us at this fragile time in her life and must rescind our offer to vacation with her.</p>
<p>People like this woman only understand clear and unambiguous messages. She can’t be allowed to bully these girls.</p>