<p>Freshman D is having roommate problems, part 2. First semester, her roommate was depressed, self mutilating, questioning her own sexuality and aiming to involve D in her issues. D moved in November.</p>
<p>New roommate has a boyfriend who's around all the time, but D was so grateful to be in a better place, she kept quiet about it even though she has to leave the room to change her clothes.</p>
<p>This weekend there was a incident - while roommate was out, D's friends were in room, got rowdy, knocked over roommate's bookcase and didn't put everything back where it originally was. D profusely apologized and took responsibility for the situation, but then, without speaking to D first, roommate called RA and other authorities, saying that she doesn't feel comfortable with my D and wants her to move out. D met with RA, who seems to be indicating that D will in fact have to leave the room.</p>
<p>This seems unreasonable to me. D isn't - or wasn't - wildly unhappy with roommate (she's pretty angry at the moment), but she thinks that if the roommate is upset, the roommate can leave rather than forcing my D to move. D already moved once and found it added a whole other layer of stress and anxiety to a difficult first semester.</p>
<p>H and I volunteered to intervene with the residential dean, but D is saying that she can handle it.</p>
<p>Let your D handle it. She’s a young adult and says she can handle it. Even if she didn’t know what to do next, the best thing would be to help her understand what she can do, not rush in to rescue her.</p>
<p>I know you want the best for your D, and she’s had a rough go of it with the 1st roomate and then the 2nd one and her BF. Painful as this may be to her (and you), think of this as part of the growing process. As the old saying goes, Wisdom comes from experience. Experience comes from making mistakes. If you rush in to set things right (as you see right, BTW), then where is the learning for her?</p>
<p>If there’s anything to talk to your D about, its why she passively allowed her roomate’s BF to be around so much. At most schools they have a discussion at the start of the year where they talk about roomates needing to set rules and boundaries. Some schools even have them sign a roomate contract. Your D was remiss in letting things go so far she needed to leave the room to change. As she’s learning, her roomate is not shy about speaking up when there is something wrong. There are some teachable moments here indeed.</p>
<p>And as to the fairness of who moves, your D is responsible for the behavior of her guests. You have trivialized the situation by choosing to label her roomate as “upset” as if it that’s what this is all about and she is no more entitled to that mood than your D would be. No, its more than that. This wasn’t a random accident like tripping into something. Even if it the toppling was unintended it was not a blameless accident, and IMHO the roomate has a fair complaint. I know you’re close to the situation and its hard to see it from a different perspective, but if the other girl is not responsible for the rowdy behavior and the dorm administrators agree its better they not room together anymore, where is the fairness in having the wronged girl move?</p>
<p>Let your D handle this and figure out which one of them moves out. I also suspect there’s more to the story than kids getting “rowdy” and “knocking over a bookcase” so let your D figure this all out.</p>
<p>I’m inclined to let her manage it, or try, but, as you point out, mikemac, she did allow roommate to have bf constantly there, in spite of not liking the situation and sitting through hours of orientation that dealt extensively with how to address this topic. Which makes me fear that she will approach the resolution of this problem in a similarly passive way.</p>
<p>She isn’t trivializing the messing up of her roommate’s stuff, and bears full responsibility for the issue. She grants that the roommate has a right both to her feelings and to complain. But as far as the roommate knows, this was the first issue they’ve had, since D never said anything about the bf. It’s like a newlywed couple where after two months of marriage, one spouse burns the dinner and the other says, that’s it - divorce!</p>
<p>As you say, there could well be more to the story. She’s 1000 miles from home and I’m feeling the distance.</p>
<p>If you and your D can afford then get a single room. This will help her to focus on her academic work.
It’s time for the kid to grow up and deal with people but she does not have to cope with everything at the same time.</p>
<p>Something sounds off to me here, too; if the issue is just that the bookcase was knocked over and items not put back properly, I can’t understand why the RA would seem to be indicating that your d will have to leave the room.</p>
<p>My kids often had me on a “need to know” basis when they were younger. I eventually realized that the first version of a story I heard tended to be, um, incomplete. So I would suggest proceeding with the thought that you probably don’t have all the relevant details here. If there hasn’t been serious property damage, or behavior that is out of line with drug/alcohol rules, I would expect the RA and others higher up in the residence life department to mediate roommate conflicts and not require a student to move for a minor offense. </p>
<p>Have you checked the school’s website for the policies on roommate conflicts? That would give you a framework for talking to your d as she manages this. I agree that she should take the lead here, but I’d want her to reassure me that the behavior in question was indeed minor.</p>
<p>I’m sorry. It’s rough with the roommate situations. Really, it gets better when everyone has his/her own room later on. You can never get the full story on any of these things. It is entirely possible that the roommate wanted your DD out from the onset and was waiting for a reason to make the move, so that she has the room to herself. The problem is when something happens, it doesn’t matter if the one who is accused as a list of issues that s/he has been keeping quiet about. It’s only what is involved with the incident at hand.</p>
<p>I find it difficult to believe that a school would so quickly move a roommate on a matter like that. They must have a lot of rooming options. At a lot of school it takes a death threat practically to get moved or a room mate moved.</p>
<p>What would you say if you were to intervene on her behalf? Based on the story, i can’t see any angle which changes the outcome. She crossed a line and has to move. While inconvenient, does she really want to live with someone who obviously doesn’t want to live with her?</p>
<p>The only thing I would do is to get your kid a single. Sharing a room with a total stranger doesn’t teach anyone anything. No one has to ever do that again later on in life. Even if it is going to cost more, I would suck it up and just pay for it. It is a waste of your tuition money to let this roommate issue have an effect on your kid’s education.</p>
<p>Just by looking at the title, I knew my response would be “stay out of it.”</p>
<p>Having read it, I stand by that. The D says she can handle it. There’s no reason you can’t be a willing listener, but this is a good low-stakes opportunity to practice biting your tongue (get used to it!) and letting her do the hard work of becoming an independent adult. If the situation grows into something more serious, then you can always step in…but frankly, it doesn’t seem as if this roommate is much of a “keeper” anyway.</p>
<p>It might be possible to get her a single, but it depends on availability. I’m not certain about it. If it were possible and she wanted it, I’d pay for it. </p>
<p>If I were to intervene, I guess I would say that forcing her to move seems like a last step, not a first one - this is the first incident not the fourth. Since D says that she takes responsibility and won’t let it happen again, she should be given the opportunity to make good on her words.</p>
<p>I agree about not wanting to be in a room with someone who doesn’t want you - why subject yourself to that?! But she says she likes her dorm and her floor and that there’s nothing available in proximity to people that she knows. Moving feels more traumatic than staying to her.</p>
<p>I pretty much always fall on the “stay out of it” side of this question, or any other, get involved or stay out of it type of questions. That said, I agree with oldfort, and I think that if you can get your daughter a single, you should. There is no other situation in her future in which she will be forced to live with someone she barely even knows. I don’t think of this as a useful “skill set.” </p>
<p>Beth roommate wants girl out hoping no one will move in and bf can basically move in. She worked the system very well. And op daughter is this girls second roommate as well. Wonder what happened to her first.</p>
<p>And leaving room to change. Why was d soooo passive?</p>
<p>Yes, seahorse. This is what D thinks - roommate had a double room to herself from mid-October until almost the end of November, liked it that way and wants it that way again. But, as cpt says, it doesn’t matter that D had legitimate grievances earlier. The incident at hand is what’s under discussion. I’m feeling hopeful that she’ll be able to work it out herself.</p>
<p>The incident at hand may be more serious than you realize. Perhaps it was something that could warrant disciplinary action, not just a room change, but the RA is being nice by making it just a room change.</p>
<p>If you were to intervene to try to get the other girl to be the one who has to move, the RA might be forced into a position where she would have to do something more than what she’s doing now.</p>
<p>I’d say to stay out of this incident, but have a conversation about how being passive isn’t the best way to interact or solve social conflicts. If anything, they can compound such conflicts once it comes to a head as seen here with your D’s roommate.</p>
<p>Moreover, she is responsible for the behavior of her guests and their effects…including with roommate’s items. </p>
<p>I’d be furious if my stuff was even touched, much less knocked over or damaged by careless guests of a room/housemate. This BS is one reason why I never lend out my books* or originals of CD/DVD media* even to my closest friends or family. </p>
<ul>
<li>Dad ended up being lied to by a family friend after he lent out a couple of valuable books from the family collection. After two years of lying/stalling, it was finally returned with some serious damage. I lend out burned copies so if they become damaged, destroyed, or soaked in sesame oil by some idiot as happened with a friend…I don’t feel too put out.<br></li>
</ul>
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<p>Not sure about that. Unless one is privileged to have a high-paying entry-level job and/or living in an area where housing is extremely cheap with many vacancies, many fresh graduates and young professionals have to find roommates…even among strangers. Friends may not be working in the same area and sometimes, close friends may not turn out to be compatible roommates for whatever reason. </p>
<p>This is especially common in expensive cities with high rents and low vacancies like NYC…especially Manhattan and parts of Brooklyn and Queens. Not to mention that you get much more space for your money if you rent larger apartments and many recent graduates do find they have issues from living alone or with roommates who aren’t around much due to extremely heavy work schedules* or the like. </p>
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<li>I had 3 medical resident roommates whom I would be lucky to see more frequently than once every 2-3 weeks due to their long workweeks and ever-changing schedules. In my case, however, it worked out great as it meant I had a large 3.5 bedroom apartment mostly to myself during the times I am home from work/weekend.</li>
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