Need Advice - Dangerous Situation

Parents Forum
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<p>I don't post often, but find this board of parents very helpful in difficult situations. Briefly, DD is in 2nd year at large OOS university, off campus with 2 roommates (A & B). Police were called to their apartment to intervene with an attempted assault and suicide by roommate A. DD and roommate B are safe in another location and will not return to apartment due to possible continued violence by A. Roommate A was taken to local hospital for psych eval, released to a family member, and is still in the area (but lives out of state). No charges were filed, but there will no longer be any contact between them.</p>

<p>DD has spoken to a crisis counselor at school, and they are aware of the situation. Dean of Students has been advised. Any advice to give DD if the student remains at school? They had many mutual friends, it is a very tragic and sad situation, for everyone involved. </p>

<p>Thank you in advance for your response.</p>

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<p>Is it possible in your D’s state to have an order of protection without pressing charges? Basically it would be telling the roommate that they can not be withing a certain number of feet or charges will be filed.</p>

<p>I think your D should go where she wants to go and do what she wants to do, though she needs to be smart about it. Maybe she shouldn’t go alone, maybe she should have a friend call or text every coupld of hours to make sure she is safe, or text a friend to say she arrived at her destination safely.</p>

<p>I bet the campus police or health department can give her some safety tips so that your D can still live her life, being smart without being scared.</p>

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<p>Was the attack a personal one or one more of wrong place wrong time? I ask as itmwould give a sense of further danger. If roommate went after d for some perceived issue than I would be more worried then if it was crazy behavior and d was in the way if that makes sense.</p>

<p>Was the roommate a male or female? And does d feel like it was personal or roommate would have gone after anyone?</p>

<p>This is not to ignore or deny the scariness of the whole thing, but might determine next steps.</p>

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<p>And was assualt first or suicide attempt? You don’t need to answer here but inwoild want to know as it would help make it clear how much potential danger d might be in. Not that I would have my daughter get anywhere near the roommate again, but itmwould give us some idea aboutnhow vigilant we would need to be.</p>

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<p>I would not be comfortable withthe aggressor at the school. I guess if it was isolated and not some deep grudge. Can they get together with party to talk about it? I just dont trust people anymore.</p>

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<p>Yes, a type of “restraining order” can be filed, but only on school grounds, which is better than nothing.</p>

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<p>Judgment call needed here and only you can make it. My friend, some years ago, withdrew here daughter because of a serious situation involving the D’s roommate’s boyfriend who threated both girls in the altercation and he and buddies started stalking the girls. The school was across the country, and it was a stress that my friend and her husband did not want to deal with. Very traumatic,expensive and stressful but they did not want to risk any serious problem and they did gain peace of mind. The college was not helpful, could not offer any real assurances, at all. But that is pretty much expected. What does one do when someone who has shown he can be violent and is on the loose in the vicinity of your daughter and has directly threatened her is a factor?</p>

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<p>Can your D get emergency housing on campus and file for a restraining order on campus? It isn’t a perfect solution but better than no protection at all.</p>

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<p>Why can DD not get an order of protection in the local courts, good for area? Have they informed landlord, possibly landlord could revoke tenancy of problem person? Does DD have another place to live? What is Dean of Students recommending? Can you talk to him/her?</p>

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<p>she must not return to that apartment or have contact with the student.</p>

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<p>restraining order is good, but maybe not enough. Unfortunately some people are not mentally well or criminal, and if stalking or other dangerous behavior continues, I think the safest thing would be to leave the area. I also wonder if at a large campus, a relocation unknown to the perpetrator could be be enough. Depending on whether the person knows where your D has class or other commitments.</p>

<p>I went to a large school, and when housing arrangements changed from year to year, you might not ever see some of the people again because they had different majors, activities etc.</p>

<p>So sorry for you and your D.</p>

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<p>Is the school going to help your D find other living arrangements? Restraining orders only go so far but it’s still a good idea to have one. They generally prompt a quicker response from the police. Are weapons a concern or was the assault with her fists?</p>

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<p>restraining order is good, but maybe not enough. Unfortunately some people are not mentally well or criminal, and if stalking or other dangerous behavior continues, I think the safest thing would be to leave the area. I also wonder if at a large campus, a relocation unknown to the perpetrator could be be enough. Depending on whether the person knows where your D has class or other commitments.</p>

<p>I went to a large school, and when housing arrangements changed from year to year, you might not ever see some of the people again because they had different majors, activities etc.</p>

<p>So sorry for you and your D.</p>

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<p>There are not enough details for any of us to make recommendations, and privacy, I’m sure, is a concern for you. For instance, it is not clear what kind of violence. Breaking a dish is a lot different from picking up a knife. And previous posters are right in making a distinction between a situation in which the D was a personal target, or the room mate’s internal state erupted and his or her friends happened to be there.</p>

<p>Restraining orders can ruin lives. The order would be served by police and the person in question would be required to appear in court. It goes on record and affects everything from employment to training or schooling in certain fields. This could, in some instances, verge on being cruel, if the person is vulnerable and ill, without really having much of an effect on safety.</p>

<p>I am assuming that this room mate was a friend, since the D voluntarily shared an apartment. People with mental illness need friends just as much as anyone, and abandoning someone who has a defined diagnosis such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, and has an episode, may not be necessary. If this is not a disorder such as bipolar, but some sort of emotional disturbance that will continue, then the D can decide for herself whether to continue the relationship, in light of what happened. But I doubt there is any kind of danger.</p>

<p>I am puzzled that the room mate was released. Usually there is a pink slip issue and the person who was violent or suicidal cannot leave for 3 days. Was the room mate in a hospital for 3 days, or for a longer time? Was there an evaluation and treatment? Where is the room mate living?</p>

<p>There is no need for hysterical fears and actions. It is possible that compassion and understanding are needed. If the D was indeed friends with this person before, I don’t see any reason why the friendship should not be resumed.</p>

<p>Again, we do not have details, but I think people need to be careful about making recommendations about restraining orders and such, without knowing more. These kinds of threads often take on a momentum that can be really frightening.</p>

<p>I am hoping the D has someone at the school, or outside of school if appropriate, to talk to. If this was a trauma, it should be talked out, and reasonable guidance on how to process, from someone who knows about these things, would be really helpful.</p>

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<p>Very sorry for your D. I know you must be so worried. Get whatever type of protection orders you can for her safety. But tell her to be very aware of her surroundings.</p>

<p>I hope her roommate gets the help she needs and that this will be just a one time incident…</p>

<p>I would also make sure that any friends in common don’t tell the roommate where she has moved to, just for further safety.</p>

16

<p>Action: ban large capacity magazines like Vogue or Computer Shopper</p>

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<p>^^^^^^^^ someone is having a serious issue and you make this type of comment. Did you really mean to post this here? Seriously wondering…</p>

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<p>Sorry, found my glasses: “proceed” not “process…” And now I see that the daughter does have people at school to talk with, and the administration is aware.</p>

<p>Again, a restraining or protection order has huge destructive potential for the room mate and does not really offer much help to the daughter. And it is not clear that contact has to be severed forever either.</p>

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<p>I’m confused over something. You say “Roommate A … is still in the area (but lives out of state).” Does that mean she is not returning to the apartment? Of course, she has a key and can return.
Speaking of which, read the lease to see if Roommate A can be kicked out of the apartment. If she is kicked out, have the company change the locks.
As for the school, since everyone is of age and the apartment is not owned by the school, they can’t do anything. However, I’m surprised the crisis counselor at the school didn’t give concrete, step-by-step advice.
Can you talk to her family? That might help.
A protective order sounds reasonable.</p>

20

<p>Thank you all for your comments. Just spent weekend with D moving her out of apartment into a safe place. Troubled roommate has already moved out, still not sure if she returned to her home state or is in the area. School is very supportive as this point and we are in a state of cautious optimism that D will get through this and be okay. Hopefully, the remainder of the term will be uneventful. </p>

<p>We will be making short visits every two weeks, just to take her out for lunch or coffee and check-in with how she is doing. She was pretty shaken today when we left the apartment for the last time. We (parents) are walking a fine line between being supportive vs. over-protective, while encouraging her to move ahead with her life even when faced with difficult situations like this one.</p>

<p>Again, it is very hard for everyone involved. Thank you for your thoughts and comments, this board is a godsend in situations like this.</p>