When the Dream School Doesn't Happen

Nothing to worry about, he will get in.

Well, what made those 3 his dream schools?
Too late now, but earlier in the process, if that could have been teased out, other schools with those qualities could have been found.

And why does he want to be at a place where everyone is smarter than him? Has he ever been in that situation before?

Write him a letter like in the Bruni article. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/15/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-how-to-survive-the-college-admissions-madness.html

BTW, I would also say that he has nothing to worry about. I can’t say whether he will get in or not but I am confident he has nothing to worry about because his drive and innate qualities will allow him to be successful in life regardless of where he goes to school.

In fact, I would write 2 letters right now:

  1. I’m so happy for you, but I know that your drive and innate qualities would have allowed you to be successful in life regardless of where you went to school.
  2. I feel terrible for you, but I know that your drive and innate qualities will allow you to be successful in life regardless of where you go to school.

On Ivy Day, I would show both (the order would depend on results, of course).

Another thanks for the responses. The two links were remarkable.

To answer some questions above - When moving here 15 years ago we had somewhat of a choice of an all upper middle class school district or one that’s completely diverse across the board. We went with the diverse one and for that reason. Could not have made a better call. Both my son and daughter constantly express their love for our school district. Many of our friends opted for private schools, but there’s a small enclave of academic opportunity at our school where if you select that tract you’re pushed to the limit and beyond.

My son said that he’s going to write a personal letter to every teacher that he’s ever had; from kindergarten on up.
As for being surrounded - He’s sort of surrounded right now, but would like to turn that upside down for college and be surrounded by those that will challenge him. Again, not to brag and his humility forbids me from telling anyone where he applied (which is not easy so I do let it slip when asked), but with perfect test scores and eight 5’s on all eight AP’s in this environment he can’t imagine what will happen in a high-level environment.

One unproductive factor is the expectations of others. He says that everyone will expect him to get into so-and-so, but there definitely was an exciting vibe at 2 of the 3 Ivy Leagues with the 3rd one just being great regardless of vibe. One just “felt like home” and our jaws dislocated out of our faces at one as our jaws collectively dropped walked onto campus for the first time. It was shocking. We just stared at each other and couldn’t speak. And our tour guide didn’t help much because she was AWESOME.

So far I have:

  • already selected by an outstanding school
  • the smartest students are not necessarily at the Ivy Leagues
  • embrace the school that selected you
  • you will bloom where planted
  • you will fearlessly excel
  • your accomplishments will not change based on any Admissions decision
  • your worth as a person will not be diminished or influenced in any way
  • there’s not a single college in the nation that would not be lucky to have you

I think that most kids ARE disappointed, as are their parent and their other advocates, when denied entry to their top school choices, especially when they fit the profile of the top students at that school. The valedictorian of my youngest’s class was denied at HPY. Yes, he was unhappy and disappointed that he did the best he could and despite the absolutely stellar record he achieved, he was rejected at those three schools that he wanted so badly. I doubt anyone could have talked him out of feeling disappointed, nor could anyone have likely talked him out of wanting to have gone to those top schools. It’s just about impossible to escape the hype over the HYP (no pun intended here) It’s in part, for that reason that so many people apply for a seat there, and they can’t take every single qualified applicant. Many rejected applicants just lost the lottery draw. Their ticket was just as good as anyone else’s there. Of course, there are the special tagged applicants…but you can’t really compete against them.

I wasn’t really thrilled with my kids’ school choices, and admittedly didn’t have the greatest opinion on the academic rigor of one kid’s choice, I have to admit. During the years he was there, both DH and I checked out some of the departments where we are knowledgeable about curriculum and how well and advanced it is. There were some amazing kids in there who got out with far greater opportunities than they would have had at HPY and the sky was the limit in terms of access to advanced academic material as that school was a full service university with PHD programs in just about everything. I daresay, not gonna hit the ceiling there in terms of academics and there were some fine minds in the departments. THough it is not a good situation for those going into college academia as a career, the tight market for jobs at universities has allowed most every college to get top academians and researchers in their departments. It was certainly the case at this school.

@OneMoreKid, your son may way win the lottery and get an acceptance from one of his top choices, and then again, may not. He’ll be disappointed. But the mind has only so many gray cells to deal with the present, and the exciting college prep activities that will be heralded with his school choice will likely take up his attention. We are so lucky to be in a country where the colleges have ever so much to offer, and your son is in the enviable position of being able to choose a sleep away college to have 4 years in a magical Wonderland, not quite on his own but away from the home environment. Not always the ideal choice for everyone, but it’s the Holy Grail for graduating high schoolers who are familiar with the rite of passage.

My son ended up at a college that was tops in his program, but nowhere near rated tops overall. It ended up being a wonderful place for him, I suspect even better than his first choice (MIT) which rejected him. It was truly a place I think that tried harder because they are almost no one’s first choice.

Well, @cptofthehouse, you definitely can put a positive spin on any situation. I know very few Americans, and no internationals, who think we are lucky to live in a country with the current college admissions system

Oh yes, the gifted underperformer is a very real phenomenon.

On the kids smarter than he is, etc… it’s been alluded to above. When you get a class full of super smart kids, they’ve all become used to being top of the class, often for their entire school careers to date. But they can’t all be top of the class anymore. Most of them, by definition, will be average in their new class. Someone will be bottom. Some kids find the adjustment from always being called a superstar to just average - even if it’s average in a class of the smartest kids in the country - a really difficult adjustment. A lot of the advice has been to your “what if he doesn’t get in” question. I’m just adding, be aware of what may also happen if he does get in, once the excitement of the admission is over and the hard work starts.

Best of luck for decision day!

BTW, I’m curious, did the OP visit a range of schools?

Roycroft- who do YOU talk to?

I have cousins in several countries in Europe-- all of whom would give a limb to have even one of their kids go to college in the US. The D who is gifted in math but has some LD’s in other areas- who was told to take a vo-tech course in bookkeeping (in the US, she’d be an engineer or urban planner by now). The S who didn’t do well on the matriculation exam for HS (but is clearly a solid and in some ways stellar student) who is a pharmacist assistant after a two year certificate course. The rest of the world is filled with students who in the US would be college bound- and would do well in college and headed off to discover new drugs, invent new materials for prosthesis, or at least be in professional careers… but who get tracked into non-academic programs in HS based on ONE test.

Yeah, they think we are lucky. LD’s? Don’t exist elsewhere, or at least the school systems pretend they don’t. Kid struggles in some areas but is off the charts brilliant in others? Good luck getting that kid into a university. Parents are poor-- yeah, college might be free or cheap, but since your kid can’t get in to one of the elite HS’s which track to university, good luck accessing free college. Even military service won’t get your kid a college education once they get out.

Our school is 25% international. Another 25% are US citizens who have spent at least 3 years abroad. None of them report the problems you cite, @blossom. A fair number of US citizens at our school also attend college abroad, with excellent results. Students with learning disabilities can have problems in any system, including the US. And succeeding in a US college is hardly a guarantee of a professional career-half of recent grads are underemployed in jobs not requiring a degree. Plus they often have loans to service. There may be some 3rd world countries which envy our system, but most developed countries do quite nicely with their higher ed.

I guess the tens of thousands of applications to US colleges by foreign students is a fluke? They are too dumb to know that their own country’s educational system is superior?

Yes - visited a massive number of schools. Went to maybe every school (slight exaggeration, but not entirely) from Boston to North Carolina with our daughter and he almost always tagged along and then many more recently as well; starting the summer before the Junior year.
I’m not the one going, but I actually think that the one that’s known for Engineering (but for some reason not ranked that high even though remarkably impressive) is the best choice. Then, everyone says that it doesn’t matter so he responded with, “If it doesn’t matter then might as well go to an Ivy League school.” Did narrow those down to 3 and a lot of sensible thought went into a total of 7 applications.

And then if he knew that I was posting this on here there’d be trouble beyond comprehension so please not a word.
Thanks.

Of course not,@blossom. They either were unable to be admitted to their home institutions, or seek and are willing to pay heavily for the prestige brand and college experience of US colleges, or are hoping they may be lucky enough to be heavily funded by an American college. Doesn’t mean their higher ed system is inadequate in anyway. In any event, this is off topic.

On the off-chance that the “OUTSTANDING” option is your (or another state’s) flagship or top public, read this column in today’s New York Times:

“Let’s Hear It for State U.: Sometimes the best school isn’t the “elite” college at the top of the national rankings. It’s the public university just down the road.”

https://nyti.ms/2YltpIn

@OneMoreKid If he didn’t get in, it would sting bad. Not only because, these are his dream schools but because he is truly qualified and yet got bulldozed for some under or over privileged quota applicant.

However, he’ll get over it and live his life well. He did everything right and gave it his best short so he should stay proud. Life is unfair, none of us can control output, just our own input.

Not true. @Riversider

These schools clearly state they can fill their classes two to three times over with well qualified candidates…not just “quota applicants”.

I think this student has a good chance of acceptance. Understand that most of these schools do not consider scores on AP tests in the admission process…at all. Some don’t even award AP credit anymore.

He had a strong application…but so do most of the applicants to these colleges that accept less than 10% of applicants. In the 90% of rejections, there are plenty of extremely well qualified applicants.

@Riversider “because he is truly qualified and yet got bulldozed for some under or over privileged quota applicant.”

So without having read OPs son’s LoRs, essays, ECs or those of other students…you have concluded that anything short of an acceptance means the applicant is a victim?

Wow so you conclude that at a school with a 6% acceptance rate the rich kid or URM kid “bulldozed” him, versus some other really smart kid?

OP Telling your son he is a victim and incapable of influencing the outcomes in his life would be in my opinion the absolute worst message possible. Your son has achieved and will continue to achieve great things independent of what college he attends. His capacity to learn, succeed, innovate, lead remain entirely in his hands. The venue won’t define or limit him, he controls his destiny.

Looking to blame others, throwing his hands in the air and yelling “the system is rigged”, or just giving up is beneath his achievements to date. I hope he gets exactly what he wants on Thursday, but more importantly hope that when he faces disappointment he proves to be resilient and bearing a sense of empowerment.

@roycroftmom, our experiences differ. I wasn’t born or raised in this country and those I know from my overseas experiences, do envy our system. That could well be the glasses through which I see things, however, and other viewpoints are certainly valuable.

I certainly will agree that improvements can be made in our system. A lot of inherent flaws.