1st post, 2nd kid. Our daughter’s a senior in college, made an easy decision and has become a superstar.
Our son is, not to brag, but academically perfect - on everything including all 5’s on all AP’s (and a lot of them).
He applied to 3 Ivy Leagues (deferred from his ED) and we’re 3 days away from The Big Day.
His backup school is OUTSTANDING (although easy to get into) and he’s already accepted to a great program there, Honors, etc., but wants to get in to one of his big 3 really bad. The terrible part is that, totally not biased at all, truly deserves it to the extreme. Letters of Recommendation off the charts, essays that you can’t believe, accomplishments through the roof and so on.
His main goal, really, is “To be surrounded by students smarter than me.” (him, not me - I’m actually not that smart).
Not to emit negative vibes, but what do you do if things don’t pan out? I feel like they might not.
Thanks.
i’m a high school senior going through this and have been in panic for the entire year. everything is finally coming together for me, after some surprising defers and a rejection. i didn’t believe it would work. i didn’t see anything working. you can’t think “what if it doesn’t work out.” it will, just let it. after a tough anxiety provoking year, i’m slowly starting to see this. don’t speculate about what could be, what couldn’t be… just let it happen! good luck!!
“Not to emit negative vibes, but what do you do if things don’t pan out? I feel like they might not.”
You allow the kid a day or so to mourn, then you gently turn his focus to the outstanding school that has accepted him. Start him on the path to bonding with the place that wants him.
By no means should you ever allow your son to think that by not getting in he has somehow let YOU down.
In any case, if he’s as wonderful as you say (and I have no reason to doubt it), a year from now he will be saying “Harvard who? Yale who? What was I thinking? I LOVE my school!”
I hope things work out for him, I always do for these kids who work so hard and fit the top schools in profile so perfectly. The problem is that there are far more of them than spaces at the most selective schools so many are left without a seat and have to deal with the rejection even though they may be as qualified as any of those accepted. To be surrounded by students smarter than he is, not exactly the goal when he is trying to get into a school that is accepting the top of the top with most students peers in that regard. If there are too many applicants “smarter” than he is, he’s not getting in there without some strong hook. May not even if he is right up there with a strong hook… That’s how selective the HPYMS schools are.
If it doesn’t work,out, he has a great school and a great program right there. Does he have any schools with selectivity in between the Ivies and his easy in school? There usually isn’t a cliff drop off in selectivities in college choices. Schools like Tufts and Emory and WUSL, for instance, are hardly easy admissions choices and have a student body with many kids as smart or smarter than at the ivies.
Even “perfect” kids don’t get accepted to tippy top schools.
You say he has an outstanding other choice…so there you go.
He goes to his “OUTSTANDING” backup school.
Also, super-selective colleges use a lot of seats for applicants with special preferences (“hooks”). Such students may mostly be excellent students by typical standards, but may not necessarily have to attain the superstar levels of achievement that other students are more likely to need to gain admission. So being “surrounded” by smarter other students may be less real than he imagines if he is one of the true superstars.
If it doesn’t work out he will learn that there are people smarter than him everywhere. The idea that the smartest kids are all academically perfect and in the Ivy League comes from youth and inexperience. Adults know there are Plenty of profoundly gifted drop-outs. Many brilliant kids get pulled out to homeschool and often choose different styles of colleges. Some of the highest IQ’s struggle in traditional schooling and aren’t going to be perfect students. If he doesn’t get in it will hurt but he will go elsewhere and likely get lots of attention and opportunity. But don’t borrow trouble. You’ve got a couple days and it could be just what he wants.
Keep in mind there are plenty of “perfect” kids that don’t even have the option of applying to an ivy due to finances and/or not having engaged parents or counselors to guide them. My ACT 99%/4.0 kid didn’t. Someone is filling those high stat honors program at flagships, etc. He will not be alone.
Grieving for a day is good, then it’s time to move on and embrace the school that loves you. Good luck.
@OneMoreKid : Joan Didion’s essay on being denied admission to Stanford: “And of course none of it matters very much at all, none of these early successes, early failures. I wonder if we had better not find some way to let our children know this, some way to extricate our expectations from theirs, some way to let them work through their own rejections and sullen rebellions and interludes with golf pros, unassisted by anxious prompting from the wings. Finding one’s role at 17 is problem enough, without being handed somebody else’s script.”
http://collegeadmissionbook.com/blog/rejection-and-course-none-it-matters-very-much-all
There is no such thing as a dream school, dream house, dream spouse, dream job. Life is a series of trade-off’s.
agree that giving your kid a day to mourn, eat mint chip ice cream, and watch dumb cat video’s on Facebook is the way to go. And then buy the T-shirt and get excited about one of his other options.
He sounds terrific and is going to have a terrific college experience no matter where he lands.
I agree a with a few days to mourn (not too many). If he doesn’t get into an ivy remind him that his school many have plenty of kids just as smart or even smarter than him probably in the honors program who chose the school because either not everyone can get into ivy league, has interest in applying to ivy league, or can afford to attend (there are people who simply earn to much for financial need but not enough to pay) and go where scholarships are better etc. Basically don’t feed into the I’m too smart for this school.
It is hard when you don’t get into your dream school no matter what level the school is so don’t focus on the ivy part. Instead pick out how good the outstanding school is for his personal interests and whatever appealed to him. Focus on what made him like the other school and try to show your own excitement. Tell him how proud you are that he is a wildcat or whatever.
It’s too late for the OP (although maybe OP has been doing this) but for others who may be applying next year or later, I"d have redirected away from a focus on those three schools from the get-go. I’d have been pointing out strengths and weaknesses of all the schools with a bit more focus on negatives of the ones least likely. I’d also be saying things like “You’ll probably not get into those schools so let’s focus on these that are more realistic” and “yeah, that’s not happening” and I’d redirect.
Did he apply to any schools in between Ivy and ‘easy to get into’?
I promise you that there are outstanding students at other schools. It is also true that not all brilliant kids have perfect grades due to boredom in school and other interests. So whether it be finances or not stellar grades they exist at other schools.
@cptofthehouse
I wish people didn’t lump all of the ivy’s together or didn’t use them as the gold standard. I frankly don’t think Emory, Tufts, and especially WashU are easier to get into than Cornell, or even Brown.
There are truly brilliant kids at just about every college. The notion that they only exist at elite top schools is just not true. The average stats of these elite school students is higher…but that doesn’t mean all the really smart kids go only to these schools.
Good luck this week!
Thanks for all the great responses. I think there’s a lot here to work with.
Our school is a very diverse public school with the same opportunities as anywhere else, but one has to really seek them out. The results are from profoundly hard work and dedication and not absolute raw genius. I think I’m most proud, though, of his common sense, work ethic and just being a good kid. I’ve likely described most of your kids as well.
We’re not even a musical family, but he achieved among the highest levels of accomplishment at the state+ level coming out of nowhere to do so.
We did a lot of visits (including the multi-day “death march” up Rt. 95) and have a good feel for the 7 selections (with 2 easy ones and 2 in betweeners) and your points above magnificent. I didn’t yet read the article in a previous post, but will later tonight.
I guess, when it’s all said and done, it’s not possible to be disappointed.
It’s just that it’s get’in real and I feel like, as much of an idiot as I am, I really did this one thing right.
Thanks.
Put his favorite kind of ice cream in the freezer. It is there if he needs to wallow for a couple of days, and there to celebrate if he gets good news. 
A couple of comments:
- Ivy league and similar schools come with terrible admit rates. Being rejected from them doesn't mean you're not smart, just unlucky in a sense.
- I say "in a sense" because rejection may actually be a good thing. There is a tremendous amount of pressure that one puts on oneself in one of those dream schools. Many a student at those schools won't do as well as they expect they would do and it can cause emotional issues. Doing well and being an outstanding student at one tier down can actually be quite rewarding experience.
- College is just a stepping stone to having a great career. It really doesn't matter as much where you went to college as what you did with your education after college.
Ivy schools are great but if you take a Ivy school or bust mentality you find heartache like thousands of other folks every year. Getting into a Ivy league school is like being drafted in the first round of the NFL draft. Some will be exceptional, some will have great careers and others will be a total bust. No one thinks about the 2nd rounders thru free agents who make allpro/pro bowl. There is simply no way the Ivies can select every outstanding student who submits an application. I many great GPA/SAT scores do you think they get every year. I wish your son the best but please don’t let him think he is settling if he goes any other place outside of ivy. You bloom were your planted.