Whew..just finished first essay ever! Can people share their thoughts?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Today I decided that I'm going to take an SAT practise test open-book, just to see how I do. Anyway, I just finished my essay, it took 26 minutes, but keep in mind that this was my first try... all the mistakes are as is (that is, I didn't change or add anything..) here is is:</p>

<p>Question: What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>Answer:</p>

<pre><code> Change is most often a result of outside forces. People must change in order to better suit their evironment. The constant judging that people undergo forces them to modify anything from their appearance to their work ethic in order to become more socially accepted or increase their aptitude for life.

An example of change undergone because of outward judging is well exemplified in the novel "Brave New World". In it, the protagonist sees himself as a misfit of the perfect soviety run by legal drugs and brain-washing. Even though all the people around him are happy, he is able to see through their false optimism and so can never be satisfied in life. He has a lone friend who was born "too-perfect" for the world and shares many of the same ideals. However, whe the protagonist discovers a "savage" - a human not born or raised in his society - he gains instant celebrity like status. With his newfound fame, he shuns his friend and becomes another member of the hapy society he so hated, gaining an effigy to all those around him.

A more personal example of change is my brother. Before reaching highschool he rarely completed homework slacked all the way through school. However, upon arrival to grade 9, he modified his habits due to the advice of his now-favorite teacher. He is now a dynamic character in the classroom, all because of the advice of someone with influence over him.

As shown through classic literature and my intimate experiences, change is most often a result of the influences of the people around you. However, change can be either a vice or a virtue to the people around you.
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<p>there. Yes, it sucked. Yes, I made up the example about my brother. Yes, I forgot the author's name of BNW and the protagonist's name. Yes, I accidently crossed out an "and" in the sentence (Before reaching highschool he rarely completed homework slacked all the way through school.) Yes, I forgot an "n" at the end of the word "when". I expect to get maybe an 8 or 9 for that answer. I didn't have a conclusion and my thesis could have been stronger (could have been that people change for better or for worse, or that the change people undergo could be considered either good or bad, or something like that)... anyway, thanks for all replies</p>

2

<p>4.</p>

<p>It needs better flow and development of examples.</p>

3

<p>I think you went a little off topic at times.</p>

<p>Look at your second example. The first sentence reads, "A more personal example of change is my brother." The essay topic was "What motivates people to change?" not "change." Your second example states that you are going to give an example of change. This sounds off topic.</p>

<p>Next time, restate your thesis statement when you begin your second example. Doing so will remind you to stay precisely on topic and it will signal to the reader that you are staying on topic. For example, start the second example (i.e., the third paragraph) with a simple sentence like:</p>

<p>Another illustration of how __________ motivates people comes from my personal experiences.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

4

<p>3/4- your problems were weak thesis, poor transitions, very weak flow, underdeveloped examples, use more transitional phrases</p>

5

<p>I'd say a 3. </p>

<p>Your thesis of "outside forces" was simply too broad. I guess I could see it theoretically working but its so broad that it makes you stray off the path of actually answering the question as others have said.</p>

<p>Also your personal example simply put was not very convincing. The Brave New World example seems like it could be really good but you spend a great amount of time explaining the plot and then at the end of the paragraph I don't get how you connect it back to the answer.</p>

<p>The key thing you should work on is a more specific thesis (maybe on this topic an example of a good thesis would be about how failure motivates change or something of the sort), more concrete examples with more analysis as opposed to plot rehashing, and connecting this analysis back to the question.</p>