Annoyingdad, I think you are right on. Maturity is still lacking unfortunately…
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and respond, I appreciate it. It tells me that our reactions are not totally off the charts. Thanks again.
Since it doesn’t sound like frosh year went so well grade-wise, I would insist that he go another year at the CC to prove himself.
Getting a low 2.X GPA would not be high enough for me to justify paying or borrowing or lending $20k+ per year.
He hasn’t EARNED the right for you to make this investment.
Others here have wondered if you’re being “extra harsh” because this is a stepson rather than a bio-son. If this son had been meeting reasonable expectations, then the answer would be, “yes.” But the truth is that this son hasn’t met virtually any of the reasonable expectations that parents would have…study for the SAT, get good grades, apply for scholarships, work a job, and so forth.
I also agree with @justonedad that he also needs to get a job. It sounds like he’s been acting like an entitled brat.
I don’t think your thinking is off the charts at all. My oldest daughter was a good student in high school, earned a scholarship and has done well in college. We are more than happy to pay all of her expenses at her OOS college. We would have been willing to pay full freight at another school had she chosen not to attend the school that gave her a full tuition scholarship. (We would not, OTOH, have been willing to go into debt for that). My next daughter was not a good student. She’s clearly not ready for college, and even she recognizes that. However, if she did want to go there is no way we would have paid for her to go anywhere other than our local community college until she demonstrated the maturity and interest in academics required to succeed at a 4 year university. If a student is not willing to put in the effort, I think money (whether it’s from parents, the government or otherwise) is wasted on that student’s education. Unfortunately, I think there are many students taking up space and resources at our colleges who do not belong there, because they don’t have the ability and/or the motivation to succeed.
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I don’t feel you have been too harsh. Based on what you wrote, you made a reasonable plan based on your son’s past performance. Most here would agree that a college education while necessary for a lot of jobs is still a privilege and not an entitlement in our country.
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I would not co-sign a loan. It is just asking for trouble. How would you react if he failed to make the payments and you get stuck with the bill? Would it strain your relationship.
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This is a tough one. I personally would lean towards giving the kid a second chance for one semester with strict rules about what has to happen to receive support for the second semester. I actually like your very generous plan about loaning the money and forgiving the loan based on performance. Another option is for you son to take a lighter course load and work to pay the bill. Your support would then be allowing him to live under your roof and eat your food. I would not support him transferring at this point. It sounds like you son needs more time to mature and grow up. The school that accepted him felt that his CC was good enough for the first year so he should be able to transfer after the second year.
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See 3. Have you consider that maybe college is not for this kid? Maybe vocational training would be a better option. Don’t underestimate a career in the trades. Another option is to take some time off and work and mature. Working at a minimum wage job full time might make him appreciate the value of an education.
Now for the unasked for advice.
You and the wife need to get on the same page and present a unified front about what you will and will not support. Your son’s actions indicate that he take advantage of your wife’s soft touch.
I would not use your emergency fund if that would deplete the fund. What was the original plan for funding the second year. You could use your other child’s 529 funds. Not ideal.
You asked about culture differences. As you read the forum here you will see that the posts indicate that the culture view ranges from a) Kick them out at 18, they are adults to b) doing everything possible to fulfill my kid’s dream no matter what the consequences. The reality (I hope) is most of us try to support our children and give guidance on what the long term consequences are without putting our own future at risk.
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You asked about culture differences.
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Is there a culture that supports the idea that parents are supposed to pay/borrow so that an immature adult child can go away to college?
I don’t think so.
I think he should work and go to CC one more year and live at home. The logic here is that working will help him save money for the university, CC will help him move him forward in his academic pursuits, and living at home is well safer than living away from home. Working an entry level job and going to CC is pretty strenuous and will also show him how focusing on school may really be easier than the alternative. Having no plan means living in your basement for a long time, it may be cheaper and less frustrating to just let him slowly move forward. 3 years in a CC is really not a disaster, if out of it comes a more mature student with either an AA or a decent chance at success in a 4 year university.
Maybe work 20 hours a week and then take 3 classes ? Nothing too terribly demanding or he will fail, but enough to cut down on gaming and hanging with friends and other distractions.
A computer science major should be taking a programming class and an appropriate math class. If Calc I was too hard, it is not shameful or a waste of time to take pre-calc in a CC, there should be placement tests. Or, maybe just take Calc I again with more awareness of the fact that you need to work to get a passing grade. With all the on-line tutorials and resources, a bad teacher is really a bad excuse, also there is likely peer or even professional tutoring available to get him through that class.
Most CCs are pretty affordable, so the assumption here is that you can pay for CC without undue hardship.
As far as the state university offer, it might be best if he formally requests a year delay in matriculation. Also, most states have several locations and tiers of state colleges, maybe there is one closer to home or cheaper, or maybe this is the right one but a year too early.
He really needs to personally realize that a “real” school will be a lot harder than CC, more competition and greater expectations that you will get it done without much handholding, etc.
And failing out of a “real” school is much worse than doing well at a CC, long-term. Even neglecting the money aspect.
A CC good student has lots of options …
Has your family been able to identify what happened in high school that caused him to lose interest in his studies? If not, then perhaps some professional counseling is called for here. If there is an underlying depression or if there is as yet unidentified addictive behavior (not just drugs, but possibly video games), then it is good to get that sorted out before sending him off to a more expensive university that is farther from home.
The un-studied-for SAT is a whole other issue. If he had excellent standardized test scores all the way through school, and it looked like he had the potential to score in merit-aid range with just a bit of studying, then yes studying could have been worth it. However if he had no track record that could have indicated this, then not expending a lot of energy on the SAT would have been a rational decision.
The SATs are water under the bridge, and he did get into a good college, just a year late.
The bigger issue is his poor performance in CC and his rationale for it. He really needs to step up his game and start working harder, for 90% of people, it is either lack of working or a lack of high school vigor that causes issues. Both have one remedy, work harder and smarter and use all the available resources from tutoring to study groups to professor office hours to make it happen. Time can also help, in that you can rationally take 3 years to complete 2 years of CC and all the prerequisites for computer science and work part time, if the academics are overwhelming or you just don’t feel like studying that much or are distracted or immature.
It also seems like he has been making this too hard, which can happen. If he had followed a more rational path, applying for scholarships, taking the SATs, he could have gone to a 4 year school right away. If he had done well in CC, he could have just gone to 4 year school now, sounds like. Somehow, he is taking weird shortcuts that are getting in the way of where he really wants to be.
A gentle reminder that this is his life to lead and that he needs to direct his energies to what he really wants rather than the easiest path … it might be good now. You can only help him for another few years.
You should have the ability to go to the 4 year school and discuss a plan forward for him to attend maybe in spring or maybe next fall. I think they are voting that he has the ability to attend … but they will also not be thrilled with his CC performance … it would also be good to know what credits if any they will accept as transfer credit. Most state schools have a very tight relationship with their CCs … you could also go to the CC advisers with your son and put together a plan.
I would try to figure out if there is any way to keep the 4 year acceptance active and let your son show his maturity and interest in school at the CC for another semester or year. That should be a big incentive to him to improve his performance and focus on his future.
How is he manage to get to the state school with poor grades from CC? If this were my situation, I would give him some money. I don’t think $15k per year is a lot of money for my family, but I don’t know your finance. Since he already done 2 years at CC to save money. But I would put a limit on 2 year and not 3 year.
Edit to add, it’s obvious that the tough love approach hasn’t worked out on this kid. Not sure it’s a good idea to continue.
@DrGoogle From the sounds of it, finances are too tight for that kind of college payment in this case.
Then why the wife is having second thought? If you have no money, you have no money.
Some kids really step up their game once they are taking courses in their majors…and not gen ed required courses.
I don’t know…this is a family decision. But I think I would be inclined to send him the four year school. See what happens after one year.
Also I would think make sure he earns something in the summer to help paying for the cost. Have an agreement ahead of time. If this kid use drugs then all bets are off. I do not want to fund such kid.