<p>OP,
How much is your husband expected to pay? Has this amount been adjusted since his unemployment? How much does your step son’s mother pay? How much will it cost for him to finish at this school?</p>
<p>Whatever you end up deciding to do, realize that the implications will follow you much longer than the debt. A lot of important relationships are on the line right now - yours with your spouse and your step-son and your husband’s with all of the parties involved. Don’t make a decision that you will have cause to regret 20 years from now, long after all the debt is gone.</p>
<p>blossom, you put an awful amount of words into my mouth. I never said to demonize the kid, and I never said to stomp her foot like a toddler. Putting your foot down is just that - saying this is not something you’re willing to go along with unless you have a say in the matter. Family decisions should be made by the FAMILY. Just because she’s not a biological parent to the child doesn’t mean the husband should be able to spend any and all amounts of money on him without the wife’s input.</p>
<p>Let’s not pretend here that you, and nearly everyone posting in this thread hasn’t “put their foot down” on decisions a lot less important than this one. I’d treat this the same way as if a spouse decided to buy a home without consulting the other.</p>
<p>Edit: Also, to clarify, I’m not saying she advocate for cutting off the kid. Just that the decision of how much to contribute should be mutual, and not unilateral.</p>
<p>The idea that a parent in his 50s who is himself having to take on substantial debt in order just to have a chance of getting a pretty low-paying job should take on even more debt so that his son will graduate debt free is simply nuts.</p>
<p>The son has three decades more than the father to pay back debt and save for retirement. The fact that the son has a major that is likely to produce a decent salary only adds to the inequity. I am not “demonizing” the kid, but he needs to get real. No matter what his mother tells him, it is simply unethical for him to drive his father into the poorhouse in order to waltz away from college debt free.</p>
<p>I would not suggest that the father stop contributing, but I would suggest that the son ought to be taking on a modest amount of debt since his parents apparently cannot afford to cover his full COA.</p>
<p>It is unfortunate that the parents did not sit down and put together a rational plan to cover the son’s college expenses, but it is not too late to do so now. I think that the OP and her husband need to do exactly what Blossom suggests.</p>
<p>Collective, there is no question that the OP has a right to feel angry and hurt and concerned over the financial outlay. No question. But there is a substantial difference between marrying a 25 year old man with no kids, and marrying a divorced man with a family. A substantial difference. And the time to “put your foot down” IMHO is prior to the marriage- when you hash out who has which obligations, who owes how much on a credit card, what the child support situation is going to be, are there any obligations past the age of majority, etc.</p>
<p>To put your foot down now- when the husband has barely made it through a traumatic job loss, getting his act together, etc, to me sends a very loud signal, “I don’t care about your feelings when my money is on the line.” So yes- go ahead, put your foot down. But accept the consequences which are not likely to be pretty.</p>
<p>It is a better survival strategy for the marriage to work TOGETHER with nobody putting anybody’s foot down to come up with a solution that preserves the H’s natural desire to help his kid, maintains the OP’s financial future, and keeps this couple on the same side of the table.</p>
<p>As for the situation at hand, I’d say that considering the father’s financial circumstances, year/class standing of son in college, and the fact this IMHO is placing an unfair burden on the OP…who wasn’t privy to any agreements to pay for college…the son and his mother should lay off his father and figure out a way to pay off the last two years. </p>
<p>If they really need the father’s money, it should be given out in a form of an already no-interest loan from him outlined in a written contract stipulating repayment terms once the son has graduated and employed. </p>
<p>Granted, I’m coming at this from an angle of someone who had a near-full ride scholarship and never had my family pay one cent due to my working part-time/summers to pay the difference.</p>
<p>I see some middle ground here. I agree mostly with what Blossom has posted here, and I am a mother in a blended family, each of us having 2 kids so I can sort of understand the OP’s position. That being said, I don’t think it would be unreasonable for the child in school to take out some loans to help pay the freight. I imagine this happens to families (blended or not) frequently, where the parents who originally were able to shoulder the entire burden for college expenses find themselves in a position where they can no longer do that, whether because of a job loss, a sick parent, unexpected medical costs, etc.</p>
<p>I would like to suggest a slightly different approach.</p>
<p>Has your husband had a heart to heart talk with his son about his true financial status? Right now he might very well think that his dad can afford it. If he understands the situation, there could be a chance that the two of them could come up with a plan including loans that would be doable and acceptable to both. At this stage, the son should be able to understand the implications of student debt. Once that is done, maybe the situation with the ex-wife can be handled.</p>
<p>His son can also talk to the school about what the true employment picture is. For my former engineering school (also top rank), in 2010, 50% of the students are employed, 25% are going to grad school and 25% are looking. When I graduated, 95% had jobs. </p>
<p>I have been lurking here far a while. So many of the problems posted here stem from parents not discussing finances with their children and sometimes their spouse. We really should.</p>
<p>blossom, I don’t think you’re being fair or consistent here. The husband and his ex-wife didn’t agree to clearer plans for the future during the divorce and that’s ok, but the OP didn’t hash out every financial contingency before their marriage and all of a sudden she has no say in the matter? I’m sorry, but that’s a load of crock.</p>
<p>I think we’re interpreting the term “put your foot down” differently. It seems like you’re reading it as “Don’t do this or I walk,” which is not the way it’s generally used nor the way I perceive it. Putting your foot down is as simple (and innocuous) as saying “No, I don’t want to do this.” Which leads to negotiations. And I’m pretty sure everyone has done that in a relationship because it’s effective and appropriate to do so when one party has gone out of bounds.</p>
<p>
This. Also, dad is clearly not a deadbeat and has had a terrible and likely unforeseen turn of events. He and stepmom are making changes, why shouldn’t the adult son be expected to understand that when you are in a family that has had a problem, EVERYONE has to pitch in to help.</p>
<p>I wonder if the son would help support Dad in his old age if he is destitute from being unemployed at this time and paying money he doesn’t have.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t pay even in combined household income. It seems like the step-son and family tries to take advantage of you.</p>
<p>From what the OP has shared it is not clear to me that all alternatives have been explored. If this is a “prestigious engineering degree”, presumably its from a prestigious school–i.e., one that has a big endowment and practices full-need support. If the original basis for the school’s FA calculations have changed because Dad lost his job they should be informed of the new situation. Revised levels of financial aid might be the result.</p>
<p>I agree with Consolation that, if debt is to be incurred, far better that the student, with years of earning potential ahead of him, take on the bulk of it than the parent who is nearing retirement. While I side with her I would encourage the OP to not take a zero-tolerance stance but to stretch a little out of love. However, in this situation a resolution which does not leave the student with most of the debt is both nonsensical and unfair to her and her husband.</p>
<p>I hope Op comes back.
I agree with her, students should have buy in to their own expenses.
I think the maximum Stafford loans and contributing summer earnings is a responsible amount.
I know parents who then payoff their students loans after graduation, but only when they can afford it and it is a joint decision.</p>
<p>I wonder if OP has kids and if she has custody. I’ve never been divorced, and perhaps I have an idealized view of how I think it should be, but I think marrying a man with a family means you are marrying his family. That it is now your family, even if they don’t always act like it. Your husbands birth children, are your children.
Your husbands ex wife, is your ex wife. 
( I’ve known several women who are actually great friends with their husbands ex/new wife. They have a lot in common!)</p>
<p>I think you and your H can reach a compromise.</p>
<p>The way I see it, dad has no income, and thereforencannot afford to pay. Was son’s aid increased when dad lost the job? If so, and mom has same income, she should stillmpay the samenas she paid before. dad’s share is reduced by the added financial aid, since his drop in income is reponsible for the increased aid.</p>
<p>While it is wonderful to try to help the son graduate with no debt, it should not be done at the expense of the father incurring debt. Son should take out loans, not father.</p>
<p>The OP hasn’t really said how much she feels they should contribute. I would be curious about that…what does the OP feel is fair. As some have said I would advocate for the son to take out Federal direct loans since presumably there HH income is tight because of the father’s layoff and for the OP and her husband to pay all or some of it back presumably this could happen in a few years after the OP’s son graduates and when the OP’s h is employed again.</p>
<p>Well, even if the son does take loans, it doesn’t make sense that the full amount of the loan would be used to reduce the father’s portion of the expenses. </p>
<p>What I really wonder is what kind of income the father had all these years and was he saving for college? I know his income is low now and some may have been used up by unemployment but it sounds like it might have been healthy income. </p>
<p>I really do second the advice to run the school’s net price calculator on each family’s income. Another alternative is to add up both families’ incomes, establish what percentage of total income each family has and divide the college expenses based on that. (So if dad and stepmom make 60% of total income, they would pay 60% of billable expenses; if they only make 20%, they would pay that.) In general, I’m in favor of having the students pay their own spending money.</p>
<p>CTScoutmom, Financial aid is always based on household income. It doesn’t matter if the dad has no income because his wife does.</p>
<p>It’s unclear to me whether the wife feels that she doesn’t <em>want</em> to pay, or that they can’t <em>afford</em> to pay. Those are two entirely different things. There might be some of both, but the rub is going to be in the emotions associated with conveying each of those things to the husband. “Honey, I’d love to help junior out, but I’ve cranked the numbers and it won’t work” is very different from “I just don’t think it’s fair I should have to sacrifice my hard earned money to help junior.”</p>
<p>At the dad’s age, he does have to think of retirement, especially if he’s starting over at zero. I’m sorry to be harsh, but I think his retirement should take precedence. Now maybe if stepmom was fabulously wealthy, I would tell her to suck it up, but that doesn’t sound like the case and the money that might have provided a comfortable retirement for one might not allow for much if it’s spread between two. Frankly, I don’t think it speaks well of the son if he knows his dad is unemployed and he hasn’t addressed the situation. I would expect my kids to have that level of consideration and awareness.</p>
<p>I may be interpreting the OP wrong, but are OP and husband’s money kept completely separately? So he’s struggling to meet his half of expenses while she’s saving money? If their finances were more merged, would the tuition be affordable?</p>
<p>*
I may be interpreting the OP wrong, but are OP and husband’s money kept completely separately? *
It sounds like that’s the case. </p>
<p>*So he’s struggling to meet his half of expenses while she’s saving money? If their finances were more merged, would the tuition be affordable?
*
I suspect that is also the case.
Playing detective- I hear “prestigious” and I think $55,000.$$$$$$</p>
<p>Assuming the student wouldn’t qualify for a Pell grant with a poverty stricken household, I don’t think $5,000 per year is too much for his father to contribute through savings, income and loans. If it is a school with a COA of $55,000, that means $50,000 is being covered by someone else.</p>