<p>I still need to apply for a few universities, and most of them ask "Why did you choose our university?" - so here's my draft for the University of Chicago. Here's what my college counselor said: "sounds too plugged in. Like you found some nice aspects and you matched them up with some points about yourself. Try being more real. Why did you choose Chicago as a place for you to study. Think more about who you are and what you are looking for in an educational experience and how they will provide that you. Remember that the university needs to fit you. You are very much an intellectual." The problem is that I can't seem to clearly see what I should remove/add/edit... I posted it a few times and got a few corrections on grammatical mistakes, but I'd like to improve the essay in itself (content) - Help!</p>
<p>I've been doing a lot of research on universities in the world, and while most of my friends limited their research to Europe, I would broaden my choices to the whole world. The University of Chicago quickly caught my attention.
Academically, the University of Chicago College is known to be a brilliant college; I was amazed to read about the school's numerous majors, the brilliant Core Curriculum and the incredible alumni. My skills in critical thinking and my broad academic and subject interests (such as philosophy, politics, jurisprudence, religions, sociology, economics...) lead me to read and investigate those topics for the pure joy of learning. Reading books by Goffmann and the "Chicago School of Sociology" really made me want to discover more about the prestigious sociology department of the university. The University of Chicago indeed seemed to be the perfect place to be for a knowledge-thirsty person like me; broadening my general knowledge was always a challenge for me, and I thus quickly fell in love with the schools motto "Life of the Mind".
Being a musician myself (I play both the piano and the guitar) and fond of musical culture, I was also thrilled to learn about the Summer Breeze. Another passion of mine is debating and forensics; the Chicago Debate Society would be an excellent occasion to help me consolidate my debating, public speaking and persuasion skills. I'll hopefully participate in the Urban Debate League City Championships one day, and of course keep the university in the top teams at the APDA National Championships.
The location is another reason why I chose the University of Chicago; the famous Michigan Avenue and Navy Pier are of course fascinating, but I know there is much more to Chicago than its tourist attractions. Places such as the Lyric Opera, the Field Museum, and Hyde Park are also very important to me considering my passion for Art in general.
I will also gladly share the traditional "Persian" side of my culture as well as my "European" approach of modern-day issues by joining student societies and participating in university events; something I've done for quite a few years now in three different schools. The University of Chicago College is truly full of brilliant aspects, both socially and academically. An incredible student diversity, lots of campus activities and strong academic demands; what more is there to ask?</p>
<ol>
<li>First paragraph makes you sound somewhat insincere. It’s quite irrelevant anyway. Think of another introduction.</li>
<li>U of Chicago isn’t exactly known for its many majors. </li>
<li>Too many adjectives, too much praise.</li>
<li>“Life of the Mind” is not the official motto</li>
</ol>
<ol>
<li>Will do.</li>
<li>Really? Guess I’ll have to do some more research ;)</li>
<li>I’ll fix that as well.</li>
<li>Ok, I’ll change that too.</li>
</ol>
<p>You use “brilliant” twice in the same sentence, and again in the last sentence. Don’t do that.
This essay is good in the sense that it makes the reader interested in knowing more
about you and why you have the interests that you do. Can you work more of that in?</p>
<p>My studies in political science, history, philosophy, sociology and economics have always fascinated me; knowledge in these subjects is crucial to the understanding of foreign affairs and global issues. Choosing a college wasn’t easy; but after doing some research I finally found a few that I really liked, and among them was the University of Chicago.</p>
<p>The University of Chicago is known to be a brilliant college academically; I was particularly amazed by the alumni list. Following the Economic & Sociological branch of the French Baccalaureate, on many occasions I had to read about the Chicago School of Sociology. Unfortunately, it seemed that I was the only one amazed by the works of Erving Goffmann and Milton Friedman in my class, and that’s why I chose to study in Chicago: I knew I would be able to meet more people like me. My skills in critical thinking and my broad academic and subject interests me to read and investigate a vast amount of topics for the pure joy of learning. The University of Chicago indeed seemed to be the perfect place to be for a knowledge-thirsty person like me; I welcome intellectual challenge, and I thus quickly fell in love with the schools motto “Crescat scientia; vita excolatur”.
But there’s more to a university than its academic excellence: I consider extracurricular activities and social life in college to be as important. Being a musician (I play both the piano and the guitar) and fond of musical culture, I was also thrilled to learn about the Summer Breeze. The city itself also seems to suit me well: places such as the Lyric Opera, the Field Museum, and Hyde Park are very important to me considering my passion for Art in general. Another passion of mine is debating and forensics; the Chicago Debate Society would be an excellent occasion to help me cement my debating, public speaking and persuasion skills. I’ll hopefully participate in the Urban Debate League City Championships one day, and of course do my best to keep the university in the top teams at the APDA National Championships.</p>
<p>I will thus gladly share the traditional “Persian” side of my culture as well as my “European” approach of modern-day issues by joining student societies and participating in university events; something I’ve done for quite a few years now in three different schools. The University of Chicago seems to be exactly where I want to study and live, because not only will I be able to learn and satisfy my hunger for knowledge, but I’ll also be able to share many aspects of my heterodox personality with the college, such as my passion for social activism and art, my multicultural lifestyle and the mix of Zoroastrian and Buddhist philosophy I live by.</p>
<p>okay, so you clearly know what you like about the college. That’s great, but now you have to show the adcoms more specifically and more personally, WHY you like it. In fact, it might be better to DETAIL a few of the things you mentioned- how you developed your love of music, or what attracts you about the core curriculum rather than just write a few sentences about four or five different areas of interest.
Again, instead of just saying “I’m a musician because I play piano and guitar, therefore I think I would enjoy X, X, and X,” say something that will show how and why you became a musician, like “I’m eternally grateful to my parents, who forced me to take piano lessons despite my sour protests. In fact, I never imagined that I would enjoy it, so I was instantly taken aback by the comfort and ease with which my fingers glided across the piano keys. etc. etc. etc.”</p>
<p>Hope that helps. And for future reference, it is NOT a good idea to post directly on the forum… random people will be able to find you essay via Google, and may snatch it.</p>