To my mind getting offended by the “What do you do” question is a mark of insecurity with one’s choices. I’m primarily a SAHM and have many friends who are as well. I’m not sure why anyone wouldn’t answer that question directly. “I’m primarily a SAHM. Lately I’ve been taking a really great pottery class. (or reading an interesting book, or looking for work in X field, or volunteering at my kids’ school, or thinking about what I want to do when the kids go to college…)”
I honestly have never used the question to figure out where someone stands on the social ladder. “What do you do?” (as opposed to “What do you do for a living?”) is so open ended. It’s a way to get people to talk about themselves. Sometimes the answers are really fascinating and unexpected.
I did learn long ago to ask “Where did you go to school?” instead of “Where did you go to college?”.
I appreciate @doschicos’s list in #737 but those could just as easily be twisted to be seen as the basis for judgement.
How long have you lived in the area? (Do you really belong here?)
Seen any good movies/read any good books lately? (What’s your intellectual level?)
What did you think about (insert current topic of interest here)? (Are you well informed, or can I catch you unaware of world events?)
How do you know (however is hosting the event)? (Are you old friends from Princeton or are you the former babysitter?)
I try to see questions from people at face value and assume they’re actually interested in the answer to whatever question they’ve asked and not mining for social connections or looking for one-upmanship.